


Take shelter within me.

by Myindepthmind



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Artist Clarke, Declarations Of Love, Domestic Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, Endgame Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, F/M, POV Bellamy Blake, POV Clarke Griffin, Protective Bellamy, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-27
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2018-10-11 11:42:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 90,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10464123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Myindepthmind/pseuds/Myindepthmind
Summary: Praimfaya waits for no one. Realistically they thought they had more time but they discovered they are very much out of it as Bellamy and Clarke are running for their lives. The last ditch effort to live a life they both thought they didn't deserve in the first place.The roar of the death wave on their toes and the last bit of faith they had left, brought them to the safe house.  A house only meant for worst case scenario, they were supposed to be on that ship. Now here they were, locked inside the safe house, sealed in for five years.Inspired by the concept and the song,  Neptune - Sleeping At Last.





	1. The din of the storm.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a concept I've seen floating around Twitter ever since the five year rumors surfaced so I figured I would play with the idea.  
> This will be a multi chapter.
> 
> Keep up with my shenanigans here:  
> https://twitter.com/BellamyscurIs  
> http://myindepthmind.tumblr.com/

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He never thought he deserved to live. His past haunts him and stays in his mind and tattooed fresh onto his skin. It was no different for Clarke and Bellamy knows that this was something they both shared. They both thought they didn’t deserve to live and here they were trying to do that. They were trying, a last ditch of effort, to live.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This concept came to me on Twitter and I decided to write it after days of planning out the chapters.  
> I adore it and the thought of Bellamy and Clarke battling their inner demons with one another, healing with one another and being trapped in the safe house had me intrigued.  
> I hope you enjoy reading this because I certainly am enjoying writing it. 
> 
> Keep up with my shenanigans here:  
> https://twitter.com/belIamyblake_  
> http://myindepthmind.tumblr.com/

She thought they had more time. Realistically, they both did. They both thought that they could set up this radio tower before the death wave hit. Now here they are running for their lives and they were damn sure of how wrong they were.

Clarke’s body is sore, her legs feel like led and her throat is on fire. She feels her knee’s buckling to the weight of her exhaustion but the call of Bellamy’s voice as they run together, just the sound of it, was enough to push her. “Come on Clarke, we’re almost there!” He sounded out of breath and completely destroyed too, his voice hoarse and full of worry.

 

They ducked through and under branches and jumped over fallen tree’s. The black rain came the night before leaving the forest damp and the dirt into pasty mud. Clarke’s ankle slips and buckles down, slipping and falling directly into the mud. Her screams of agony halt Bellamy and he runs to her. His eyes fall to the distance as the wave is quickly approaching.

 

“Bellamy just leave me!” Clarke’s voice is broken and unrecognizable for the moment.“No, I’m not leaving you, that’s not happening.”His brain falls back in to reality and he sweeps Clarke into his arms and begins to sprint. He can see the home on the horizon, it’s so close. They can make it, he just has to push himself.He feels his Bullop Rifle hitting off his back, as it is swung over his shoulder, and is certain it will be bruising later.

 

He could feel the speckles of black rain hitting them and he hood himself over Clarke as he ran.

He can hear Clarke’s whimpers of pain and he knows that they are more of worry and sorrow.

Out of all the things they went through together, he thinks that this one could take the trophy.

He can hear the sound of the wave, it sounds much like the black rain storms, only louder.

If it was under any other circumstance, he would find it enchantingly beautiful, however this can only be described as horror out of his most vivid nightmares.

He had nightmares in the past of losing Clarke or Octavia. He had dreamed countless times of Aurora.

He’s had dreams of Charlotte and Wells, Atom and Monroe, even sometimes Finn. Nothing out of his worst nightmares could compare to the thought of dying to this wave.

_He had to get them to the safe house._

 

He pushed with all his might, his legs moved as quick and quicker than they ever did back on the Ark when he was training to be on the guard. In honesty he would rather do those drills for the rest of his life than feel the burn he was feeling as he ran for their lives.

 

It was their lives now. It was set in stone when she wrote his name down and in return he wrote hers. They would live for each other. Bellamy wasn’t sure he deserved much of anything at all. Who was he to destroy lives and live for his own? he reminds himself daily that Clarke wouldn’t be able to forgive herself if she let him die. So he would live for her if he thought he deserved it or not. The last thing he would ever wish to do is let her feel pain. She’s felt enough of that when she lost her father, Wells, Finn, Lexa, everyone she has ever lost. Death brings pain to all who live, Bellamy never wishes to add to Clarke’s pain. So he would live along side his demons and ghosts, the voices in his head, so Clarke keeps her will to live.

 

He never thought he deserved to live. His past haunts him and stays in his mind and tattooed fresh onto his skin. It was no different for Clarke and Bellamy knows that this was something they both shared. They both thought they didn’t deserve to live and here they were trying to do that. They were trying, a last ditch of effort, to live.

The safe house was meant in case a situation like this were to occur.

 

They intended on meeting with the rest who were aboard the ship but plans went south as the wave picked up speed. The radio tower was put together and they were supposed to have enough time to head back.

 

However as it’s been since the radiation was known about, their estimated guesses on time were always wrong. They thought they had six months which quickly turned to two, to eventually only a week until this wave came.

 

Bellamy pushed his last bit of strength as the house was ten feet away now, he stumbled up the few pavement steps, swinging open the door only to practically drop Clarke and slam the door behind them. He hit the button on the wall which was meant to act as a seal. The solid metal beams slid down as the light from the windows began to fade into darkness from the contrasting wave of darkness and the metal closing them in.

As his knee’s finally gave out, he slid down the door, his head now leans on it and he is desperately trying to catch his breath.

 

The last sound they heard was a metal barrier thudding onto the ground, sealing them in for five years.

 

The only thing they could hear was the wave and the storm, the exhausted breathing and wheezing between the two of them and the winces of pain from Clarke.

They made it and she should be happy but she’s not.

 

Five years, they would be separated from their families, only a small radio to use as contact.

 

They should have known to leave earlier, they should have known that this would happen.

 

Clarke curses under her breath and it catches Bellamy’s attention, his head that was once hung low, is now looking up at her. His eyes wandered her face in search of how she was feeling.

 

Those blue eyes spoke of sorrow, she was sad for her people and the situation fate put them in.

 

Bellamy attempted to stumble over to her and he did much in the way he once did when he saved Clarke from Dax. He placed his hand onto her leg and the other onto her shoulder. Her head shot up to look at him. The sparkle that once sat in her irises was now gone entirely.

 

 _“Clarke...”_ Bellamy’s voice was still hoarse and he coughed between his words. “We’re safe, it’s okay.” Her face looked blank and pale and the settling feeling of pain from the black rain burns began to surface as his adrenaline wore off.

Drops hit his neck and hands and parts of his wrists.

 

Bellamy brought his knee’s to his chest and his hand to his neck and his winces of pain shook Clarke out of the state she was in. Within seconds she was stumbling to find alcohol, water or a health kit for Bellamy.

 

 _“Clarke please”_ Bellamy called out to her in agony but she didn’t listen. He now followed in the direction she was headed in, attempting to stop her. It was painful to watch them both stumble from different pieces of furniture in desperate attempts to keep them on their feet. Bellamy finally caught up to Clarke as she found the bottle of alcohol. He grabbed onto her as they both slid back down to the ground. The pain that ran through their bodies was too much to keep them grounded on two feet.

 

The way they fell together left Clarke against the island in the kitchen and Bellamy caught between her legs and his head sat on her leaned stomach. “Please Clarke... you’re in pain. Let me do it” he watched her hand reach over to the bottle. She opened it and Bellamy attempted to push himself up with his hands to hover by her.

He slugged himself next to her and held out his hands as she poured the liquid onto his hands. Bellamy’s screams were choked as he brought the leftover alcohol to his neck. Clarke’s eyes fluttered in worry and she leaned over to him. “Bellamy...” her voice was a mumble and his eyes met hers for a moment.

 _“It’s okay...”_ she whispered.

 

She would openly say it was okay but they both knew that it wasn’t.

They were safe but the situation itself wasn’t okay.

They sat there for what felt like forever, only the sound of breathing to echo the space they sat in.

 

Once the pain in Bellamy’s body subsided he gathered the strength to lift from where he sat next to Clarke and carry her once again. “Bellamy...” her voice was soft as she was slung into his arms. Her body was weak and her head leaned against his chest.

 

“We need to check out your leg.” there was no tone to his voice and it spoke of emptiness.

 

He sat her down on one of the chairs at the kitchen table and she leaned into the back cushion on it.

 

Bellamy wandered off to find a medical kit that was tucked away into the bathroom and came back moments later to find Clarke picking at the place mat, clearly lost in her own thoughts.

Bellamy placed the metal container on the glass kitchen table and slung his jacket off and over one of the other chairs. He was now back in front of her opening the metal box.

It had gauze and bandages, a bottle of alcohol and some sanitary wipes. A needle and thread, some tweezers, safety pins and a small pair of scissors.

 

He took the gauze out and the safety pins and placed them on the table.

His eyes found their way to Clarke’s unsettled form as she mindlessly picked at the mat on the table, her eyes zoned out and bloodshot

He didn’t say anything because he knew what she was feeling. He felt it too.

He lifted her pant leg right up just enough so he had room to work with. He looked up to her when he moved her ankle around and he tediously wrapped the gauze around her ankle.She winced in pain and it brought her back to reality. She looked down at him and she found him already staring at her in his crouched position. His eyes were glossy and empty, his brows furrowed.

Her eyes spoke a hurricane of thoughts and questions that he knows he can’t answer for her.

 

She sighed deeply and her eyes glossed over. Bellamy and Clarke always made eye contact and it was signature to their relationship. It felt like they were having a conversation short of words.

 

The sound of static woke them from the trans. “Clarke? Bellamy? do you copy?” Raven’s voice rang off the radio and their heads shot to it.

 

Clarke grabbed the radio and hit the button to respond. “Raven...we’re here, it’s okay..” Clarke’s voice was soft to comfort Raven.

 

It was soft to comfort everyone. It amazed Bellamy, the strength she had to show no sign of fear to her people.

“Thank God you’re both okay. You made it to the house?” Raven’s voice still full of worry.

 

“Yes we did.” she could hear her mother in the background.

 

“Clarke? is Clarke okay?” she could hear Raven give the radio to Abby. “Clarke?” Abby’s voice was what broke Clarke and she felt tears burning in her eyes.

 

“Mom..I’m here mom” Clarke’s voice was broken and sad as tears streamed down her cheeks. Bellamy rose to her side and placed his hand on her shoulder in attempt to comfort her he rubbed his thumbs into her.

 

“Thank God you’re okay.” Abby replied with light waves of happiness.

 

“Yes, I sprained my ankle but..” Clarke looked up to Bellamy. “but Bellamy saved me.” he half smiled.

 

“Thank you Bellamy.” he nodded in response still listening.

 

“Bellamy, can you please do a quick inventory check?” Raven’s voice came off the radio as a demand.

 

He nodded at Clarke and walked off to do just that. The warmth of his hand on her shoulder becoming cold as it dissipates. She was now left in the cold kitchen with the company of the radio.

 

“Clarke are you going to be okay?” Abby asked pressing into the subject which felt like pins and needles.

“I have to be.” Clarke responded quickly attempting to hide her fear.

 

“I know, it’s just, I worry.” Abby’s voice was honest and pure and it made Clarke muster up half a smile.

 

“I’ll be okay, I’ll just miss you all.” Clarke felt saddened to the thought of not having her mother’s warm embrace at dispose. “I’m not alone though” she continued confidently. “I do have Bellamy here with me.” her voice sounded like it could carry happiness.

 

“I know.” Abby replied.

 

“It’s going to be a bit weird without you here.” Raven added and Clarke nodded with a light chuckle.

 

“Same to you both.” she could hear more bantering in the background static.

 

“Where’s my brother?” she identified it immediately as Octavia’s voice and Clarke’s eyes widened as Bellamy entered the room holding a box, his eyes widened hearing her voice. He was so focused on getting to the house that he almost forgot about his own sister.

 

“Octavia?” Bellamy made his way quickly to Clarke as she handed him the radio.

 

“Bell? - Bellamy I’m so sorry I-” Octavia was crying and her sobs echoed through the kitchen through the radio static.

 

“O, please don’t apologize, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you, I failed.” Bellamy broke and tears flowed in the ducts of his eyes.

 

“You never failed, Bellamy.” Octavia pressed. “I’m so glad you’re safe.” his eyes widened to her confession, it had been the most she had said to him in weeks.

 

“Me too O, you’re safe too right?” he questioned.

 

“Yes, we’re all safe up here...just please...be safe down there.” Octavia’s voice came off more and more sad as the time progressed. “I blamed you...I blamed you for everything.” she broke again and Bellamy interrupted.

 

“No, don’t beat yourself up for hurting O. You’re allowed to hurt and I’m willing to take it...what else are big brothers for.” it amused Clarke to see Bellamy so vulnerable over his sister.

 

The way he could make good out of a bad situation, a crack in attempts to make her smile. Bellamy has done this with Clarke too. She takes note of it, he only does it with the people he cherishes. Even if the world has gone to complete chaos, if he can do good to the people he loves, even with just a smile, he’d do it.

“I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye.” Octavia’s tone was very empty and soft.

 

“No goodbyes, only hello’s from now on okay?” he spoke calmly nodding along with his statement.

 

“Okay...” she paused. “Clarke, please keep my brother safe.” Octavia spoke as more of a demand and Clarke expected no less from her.

 

“Of course.” Clarke only said smiling at Bellamy and he handed Clarke back the radio.

 

“Same to you Blake, you keep Clarke safe.” they could hear Raven in the background and Bellamy let out a small chuckle.

 

“Or else what, you come down here in five years and hit me with one of your wrenches?” his tone was sarcastic and lighthearted.

 

“Yes, precisely.” Raven’s voice was demanding and still as ever. When Bellamy and Raven weren’t at each other's throats, Clarke would classify their banter as nice and amusing.

“We will page back soon, get some rest.” Abby added to the conversation and Clarke nodded.

 

“you too.” and as soon as she spoke the radio went silent.

 

Clarke placed it back on the table and her head hung low. Bellamy knelt down again to meet her gaze.

 

“I failed... - our people. Some of them didn’t make it, I couldn’t save them.” Clarke was now in a state of emotional trauma.

 

She cried harder than she has ever cried. Her words reminded Bellamy of when the first of the Black rain hit and he couldn’t save Mark and Paul. He felt like he failed then too. He wanted to walk out into the black rain and he thought about it for a while but what stopped him was remembering Clarke. He knows she won't live without him so he chose his life. He chose for once that his life was precious. Not to him but to Clarke.

 

“You didn’t fail Clarke, we did all we could.” Bellamy’s voice was smooth and comforting as she looked to him. She tilted her head almost as if to nod.

 

“But Bellamy, if I just worked quicker, If I just did things in advance....we could have been on that ship.” Clarke’s was so drained and her agony drained her further as he sighed.

 

“How were you supposed to know this would happen so quickly? we ran out of options Clarke. It’s not like you chose any of this.” his voice was firm in attempts to reach out to common sense within her.

 

Her lips parted as she attempted to speak but nothing came of it as her eyes glanced low away from his face.

 

“You did all you could with what resources you had. Don’t blame yourself again.” he pressed on to extend his point. “don’t take this on alone and don’t blame yourself again for things you cannot control.” he was referring back to the aftermath of Mount Weather. She left to free herself of her thoughts, to attempt to forgive herself.

 

He knew what he had said got to her when her eyes followed back to him. “I don’t know if I can do that.” she replied softly.

 

“Then we will work on it together. You’re not the only one trying to forgive yourself, Clarke.” it was a reminder to her that he knows how she feels.

 

He’s been there from the beginning and on that day she tried to reason with Bellamy to forgive himself, she wanted him to forgive himself. They both know what it’s like to feel like you don’t deserve forgiveness. It was a pain they shared. This pain they would both share as time passes.

 

She fears the thought of being alone with her thoughts but pushes it aside and gathers a slow smile at her cheeks that Bellamy recognizes immediately as fake. “Okay.” was only her reply.

 

Bellamy rose from his position and slung her up in his arms again bringing her to one of the bedrooms. Clarke let out a little squeak as he did this.

 

“There’s two rooms, you take one and I’ll take the other, we should get some sleep.” those were his only words and he wondered or a while if it was even what he wanted.

 

He knew he wasn’t getting much sleep at all. His mind is too consumed by all the chaos that dwells inside him. He pushed the door open with his foot and flicked on the light. The room illuminated and Clarke remembers the first time she got here. She made it to the island to aid in the night blood solution. The first time she had a real shower in what felt like months. She didn’t think she’d find a point to call this place home but now, they had to. He shifted where he held her and placed her comfortably on the bed and Clarke attempted to move and fix herself, trying to find a comfortable position to lay in, not noticing Bellamy who was standing by the bed still watching her.

She looked up to where he stood and her eyes glimmered for a little and it looked a lot like longing. His deep brown eyes wandered her face and it looked like he wanted to say something. It looked like she wanted to say something too. She thought that maybe she should tell him to lay with her, or maybe just a please stay with me would be enough but before she could Bellamy shook himself back to reality and spoke.

 

“Get some sleep.” She watched him trail out of the room and she was left in silence.

 

All Bellamy wanted to do was find a way to aid her pain. Be it them working on things together or completely separate the way they were, or at least it felt like. From the moment they landed they were aiding one another and working together, now they sat in separate spaces and Bellamy wasn’t entirely sure what to make of it. Arguably it was healthy for him. He never told Clarke how he felt on that beach, he still hasn’t told her anything. It was a mound of words left unsaid that left an unsettling feeling in Bellamy’s stomach. He didn’t want her to push herself to be with him now that they were alone together. He didn’t even know how Clarke felt and that had to be the most frustrating point of it all. He had no idea where she sat. He was glad for a moment that they didn’t share a room because after all the events that have been happening lately he wasn’t sure he could bite his tongue.

 

It was a waiting game at this point for him, he knows he won't be able to bite his tongue for long.

 

_She needs to know how he feels._

 

Bellamy glanced around the room he was to stay in and it mirrored the room he left Clarke in. It was the same room, designed the same, everything down to the couch in the same place. He felt the soft carpet between his toes as he slipped both his boots off. I guess we won't be needing shoes, he thought to himself as he tossed them aside. He took a long, hot shower and checked the dressers to find some assorted clothing. Becca had truly prepared for the worst and the house was designed for a few people to live in. Clarke and Bellamy had more than enough food and resources to keep them alive and that had to be the only thing Bellamy thought, was keeping Clarke going. That and the simple fact that one day she would see the other survivors again.

 

He slipped a pair of fresh boxer briefs on and slowly sat down on the bed just taking in the environment. It was too peaceful for him. He had grown so accustomed to war and fighting for their lives that coping with this would be a degree of struggle all on it’s own. He leaned on the valley of his palms and let himself give in to the soft embrace of the bed sheets. It was soft and the feeling of it on his back once he lowered himself, could only be described as one of the most comforting feelings he has ever had. There was something indescribable about this house and he couldn’t quite pinpoint it. To him it all felt surreal. He knew that he wouldn’t be getting sleep tonight but he decided to try and give into the soreness of his core, just to get some shut eye.

 

Bellamy was in the state where he felt like he was sleeping but all awake at the same time. He tossed and turned as negative visions clouded his mind. The only thing he was feeling was complete numbness and the sound of the thunder from the radiation storm practically shook the house. Regardless of it being a radiation storm, Bellamy liked the sound of thunder. He felt like the storm matched the insides of him. His very core is a hurricane of thoughts and words unsaid. It was silent for a long while, only the sound of rain and rumbles could be heard, until a piercing scream ran down the halls. It took less than a second for Bellamy to be on his feet and darting to Clarke’s room.

 

He found her tossing and turning, her hands gripped the bed sheets and her sobs had her body shaking. He knew these nightmares too well, he got them too.

 

He closed the space between him and the bed and brought himself to Clarke’s side, sitting right next to where she laid. He was taught not to wake someone up from a nightmare so he let her be for a while to see if she could fight it on her own. It didn’t stop his brows from meeting one another on his forehead and his hands to try and caress her unsettled form. He hoped his touch and soft voice would be enough to rock her back to sleep.

 

“Clarke....it’s okay.” his voice was soft and delicate and his hand touched her arms gently trailing circles on her skin. “It’s okay...I’m here...” he spoke again, his eyes wandering her to find signs of relaxation. She stirred out of her sleep and her eyes flung open and she shot up finding herself face to face with Bellamy. His eyes were wide with shock.

 

“sorry - you had a nightmare...you were screaming and I-” he was interrupted by her as her tiny arms slung around him, pulling him into an embrace. He held her tight and his hand rubbed her back.

 

“It was just a dream, you’re alright.” he let go after a while and her pearly blue eyes were locked onto his once again, this time tear filled and broken.

 

“I failed.” she mumbled and Bellamy shook his head. “you never failed Clarke, you always did what you could to protect our people. You did all you could. Please stop blaming yourself.” he finished with a light sigh.

 

He hated the thought of her blaming herself for these kinds of things. The people of Arkadia were less than cooperative in the beginning and made it very difficult for Clarke to lead and aid. To Bellamy half of the people didn’t even deserve her help in the first place. She put herself on the line for her people every chance they got and sometimes they were ungrateful to her.

 

He wishes people appreciated her the way he did. Clarke didn’t say much of anything after Bellamy spoke those last words. He wishes she would just understand that there was literally nothing she could do. The world was dying again and it was natural, there was literally nothing she could do, she couldn’t save every human being that walked the earth.

“Try to rest some more...call me in if you need me.” he said, lightly touching her shoulder before he slowly paced himself to the door.

 

Clarke called out to him. “wait” she paused unsure about how her question would be handled. “could you stay here...with me?” she let the question out and immediately regretted asking.

 

She found herself looking away from him. He only nodded in her direction before he walked over to the other side of the bed and slipped under the sheets onto his back, his head hitting the soft pillow below him. She laid next to him on her back and they both sat in silence just enjoying the company, or so she thought. She knew Bellamy would do anything to help her and she couldn’t help but feel guilty. She was just so heavy in his arms no matter what she did. Metaphorically or not.

 

She felt like a burden to him and to have him do all he could for her from the moment they landed. She laid there for a while and listened to his breathing steady to what sounded a lot like sleep. If he was or not was entirely questionable but Clarke couldn’t sleep at all. She could hear the din of the storms around her and the hurricane inside her own head matched it accordingly. A wave of emotion took over and she felt tears prickling. She wasn’t sure if it was maybe just the sound of him safe next to her was what was making her this emotional or the entire situation itself. She figured it was just the entire situation at hand. She turned her head to look over at Bellamy who was already laid and faced in her direction. She hadn’t seen him at peace like this since she was creating the list and he was resting on the couch. His dark curls a mess and the rising of his chest even and steady. She reached her hand out to play with a curl at the side of his face. Bellamy was always handsome and she had the sneaky suspicion that he always knew it but he’s humble about it and doesn’t take pride in much of anything he does at all. He used to, back when they first landed. He was self serving and now, he was selfless.

 

His freckles were the simplest of details that Clarke loved. Scattered across his face kissing the tiniest of places on his nose. Her eyes glowed in admiration to the sleeping figure next to her. For the first time she got to look at Bellamy this close as he laid there this vulnerable. He wasn’t fighting or angry, wasn’t sad or strong willed, he was asleep and dead to the world around him. She guesses they will have a lot more time to do these kinds of things now. She agree’s with the thought of being perfectly okay with this situation. She doesn’t want to think about being “stuck” with anyone else. Bellamy was someone precious to Clarke, if he believed it or not she did not care. They had been through so much on their journey and it even brought them to separate places but here they were, together again.

 

Clarke’s father told her stories as a child of witches who granted wishes. He had told Clarke to never make deals with them because along with a wish comes with a curse. She would never wish to be with the other survivors because she knew life was going to take her the ways it should be. Maybe it was fate that it was Bellamy, of all people, who was with her, to go through this, together.

 

She was afraid of this journey but she knew she wouldn’t be alone. She had Bellamy. She would always have Bellamy. This thought eased her into sleep.

 

Bellamy had a dream about Aurora that night. That she was up in space with the other survivors and that thought toyed with his emotions well enough to wake him from his slumber. He stirred, his eyes fluttering open to find only a small lamp illuminating the room. It took him a moment to register but when he did, he realized Clarke had him held close to her. She was right close to him with her warm body against his and her hands against his chest. His arms held tight to her. An immediate blush rose to his cheeks. Immediate panic as well. What would happen if she woke? he didn’t want to make things uncomfortable so he searched desperately trying to find a solution that wouldn’t end up in hot water. He thinks that maybe she got cold in her sleep and found the warmth of his body and held to it. His face was in her hair and the scent of her was overwhelming. It was a smell he recognized but having it this close was an entirely different story. The proximity between them was little to nothing. She didn’t feel the same way as him, she shut him down when he went to tell her, he thinks. This is when he tries to move his arm off her wiggling it away gently to move himself from his hold on her. He figures that if he slips away he can get up quietly and ignore the entire situation. He did so accordingly and it left a slight ache in his heart. He wanted to hold her but he knew that it wasn’t his place.

 

Bellamy manages to slip away from her warmth and decides to head back to his room to throw on something other than just his boxers. He finds a pair of grey track pants and throws on a white tee shirt. This place still left an unsettling feeling in the pits of his stomach. It was too perfect, too high maintenance, too clean. These were all things that were scrapped and tossed out when he landed on Earth. These were considered luxuries. The concept of a clean home is a luxury on Earth and here he was, to live here, contently?

 

He takes his shoes and Clarke’s and places them at the door way on a mat. It’s the tiny things like seeing their shoes at a doorway that sends his heart fluttering but the fluttering feeling is molded with the other things he was feeling and thinking: They wouldn’t be needing them for a long time.

 

He lets his bare feet get used to the hardwood flooring and the cold kitchen tile as he made his way into the kitchen to make them something to eat.

When the Earth wasn’t absorbed and consumed by the death wave, the trades made between Polis and Arkadia were decent enough to stock some of the home but Becca already had a fair amount stocked into the basement cellar. She was a mighty prepared woman and at this present moment Bellamy could only thank her. He took out a pack of oats and some dried up fruit, boiled some water and made an oatmeal with a bit of mixed cinnamon spices courtesy of the grounders. He would miss learning home remedies and spices from them, at least they were good at something, he thought to himself.

He figured letting Clarke sleep was the best choice he could make. He knows well that she is exhausted because he feels it to. It’s a different level than physical exhaustion. They were mentally drained and it was going to take a while to feel okay again.

As he sits on the stool and leans on the kitchen island, deep into his bowl of oats, he reconciles with himself.

 

_He knows that no matter what happens, they will make it through, together._


	2. Find me reason.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You don’t have to pretend anything. It’s okay. I want you to find peace with yourself. I’m trying to do the same thing okay? this wont be easy, this is going to be very hard, but please, just be you Bellamy...just be you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First I want to say wow, I cannot believe how many of you actually liked the first chapter! I love to read what you guys have to say about it to please definitely let me know what you think, reading the comments make my day. I'm going to try to post and write them as quick as I can with what time I have when I'm not working. Feel free to read other things I have written in the mean time if you're waiting for chapters for this one.  
> Thank you so much for all the positivity. - Brooklyn.
> 
> https://twitter.com/belIamyblake_  
> http://myindepthmind.tumblr.com/

For the first time Clarke woke to the silence of the room and the only noise she could hear was the sound of her own heart beating, and the short breaths that left her chest. Ever since she landed on Earth, she didn’t sleep easy. They had to fight for their lives, adapt to the nature that enclosed them and adapt to one another. Truthfully, she hasn’t slept easy or if at all since before her father discovered the Ark’s flaw. The fate of the Ark was quickly changed after her father discovered that they didn’t have as much time left as they thought. The life support on the Ark was failing at a quick rate and Clarke’s father wished to act on it and go public. Once he discovered it she found him sleeping hardly ever, desperately trying to find a way out of the pending doom that he felt responsible for, which left Clarke with that trouble of sleeping too. The nights they couldn’t sleep they would spend cuddled on the couch, sometimes watching old cartoons to put them at ease. However, Clarke’s mother disagreed. Instead of going public he was arrested and floated for his said “crimes.” The reminder that it was her mothers doing left a coiling feeling in her stomach and burning in the back of her eyes. She knows why Abby did it but she doubts she could ever forgive her mother for putting her through that and taking her father away from her. Clarke had to put her feelings for what her mother did aside because surviving on Earth was more important but as the feelings settled and bubbled beneath her skin, she suddenly hates the peace this house brings.

Clarke’s eyes adjust to the room and she turns to find the space beside her empty and cold.

Right, Bellamy stayed with her that night, she though to herself. Clarke trails her hand over the bed sheets to touch where he once laid to find it cold, he must have gotten up a while ago. Clarke wonders if he slept alright too or if he was just acting asleep to numb the pain the way she try's to. Clarke decides she isn’t quite ready to leave the warmth of the bed sheets so instead she lays there staring blankly at the ceiling wondering how the other survivors are coping.

 

Bellamy finished his fruit and oats and decides that it’s a decent enough breakfast that he could get used to, that he would have no choice but to get used to. He figures tomorrow he might explore some other kind of option. Was this what it was like to live a normal life on Earth before the bombs? some kind of twisted domestic - what kind of bread am I eating type of lifestyle? he’s amused at the thought of that kind of lifestyle. Maybe, it was because he was that used to running for his life and surviving off whatever will to live he had and the need to protect those he cared about. Bellamy’s brows knit in realization that he no longer has to look after the hundred. It became a part of him to look after the other delinquents, it was a role he took to use as power once and it quickly turned into the need to protect others. When he boarded the drop ship his desired fate was to leave with Octavia and live off the land and here he was instead deciding on tomorrow's breakfast reminiscing on the fact that he was once a self serving jack-ass that quickly turned into a loving caretaker of the people he considered family. The hundred were family to him and that thought makes him happy. Would Aurora be proud?

 

Bellamy places the bowl in the sink and runs the water, taking the small bright yellow sponge to clean the dishes he used. The little tedious things he was doing reminded him of his mother. He remembers the times he would help her do dishes after breakfast or dinners. He’s reminiscent on the breakfast more than anything and remembers the fluffy pancakes Aurora used to make when they could afford it. Even sometimes, chocolate chip cinnamon ones, which happened to be his favorite even still to this day.

 

Just thinking about breakfast reminded Bellamy of the morning smell of coffee and that thought alone had him wondering if this house had any. Once he was finished cleaning his dishes he quickly dried his hands on one of the hanging towels off the stove and busied himself from cupboard to cupboard until he found the pantry which had little bags of coffee. One of them read “Van Houtte - Eclipse Blend” and another read “Jittery Joes - French Roast” that one made him laugh because he remembers the jitters coffee used to give him when he had little to no sleep after long nights on the Ark. One that read “Nescafé - Classic” which had an amusing little red coffee cup design on it and his eyes eventually found several bags that all held the same symbol and design that read “Starbucks” - one of them was a Medium Pike Place Roast, that name alone made him roll his eyes. There was a Dark Italian Roast which peaked his interest and another that read Breakfast Blend then another that said Blonde Veranda Blend. It annoyed him that they all sounded delightful and he now had to choose between them. However during the choice he found a new annoyance over the fact that just the other day he was deciding life or death outcomes, yesterday he was running for his life and now he’s deciding on which dorky coffee blend to try first.

If he rolled his eyes any harder they would more than likely fall out of his skull. So he decides on the French Roast because of it’s Jittery amusing title. He boils the kettle and puts a small bit of sugar in the cup followed by a spoon and a half full of the blend. He sat leaning on the counter listening to the water bubble in the kettle. His arms were crossed and his figure leaned half comfortably and he learned that the hard way the first time he tried to lean, only to feel the burns still clear on his skin.

 

The kettle finally finished boiling and Bellamy decided that it would be a decent thing to wake up to, so he makes Clarke a cup too. She seems like the kind to like coffee sweet so he assumes she would like a bit more sugar than him so he takes another mug and pours her one too. The smell is no less than intoxicating and pleasant and his mind takes him to places only his memories know. A slow smile crept to his lips and his mothers good mornings rung in his head. Her little cheerful voice when she was still happy. “Good morning Bellamy, did you sleep well?” - his eyes closed in contentment and her voice that he still remembers clearly echoes in his mind. His eyes open slowly after a few moments of silence and he stirs the coffee for a few seconds letting the sugar dissolve in the brew.

 

It was time for him to go check on Clarke.

 

Bellamy took both steaming, hot mugs of coffee to Clarke’s room. He’s careful not to spill and burn himself further and he remembers being clumsy as a kid. He’s dropped several mugs in the past.

He trails up the few steps that leads to the bedrooms and finds Clarke already awake and smiling sleepily at him as he leans on the door frame with the two hot mugs.

 

“That smells really nice.” she murmurs sleepily, rubbing her eyes and it causes him to smile a bit. He makes his way over to her and sits on the bed in front of her passing her the mug.

“ careful it’s still really hot.” he mumbled watching her pupils dilate to the sight of what was being passed to her.

She brought it to her nose to smell and the little sparkle he noticed in her eye made his heart skip in all sorts of directions.

He decided to take little notes on these simple gestures that she seems to like.

 

“I wasn’t sure if you were hungry - I made this oat and fruit mixture and it was kind of alright” he mumbled taking a sip of the coffee, looking to her for response. He coughs a little and Clarke looks to him, “it’s still a little hot.” he said choking on the hot coffee, which caused a light chuckle to rise from Clarke’s chest. The laughter fades and they find themselves very short of words. After all that has happened he finds himself truly unsure of what to say at all.

 

“Thank you” she mumbles after a while of silence. He turned to her in confusion, awaiting reasoning. “Thank you for staying with me.” the smile she had from earlier returned with a light blush on her face.

He nodded accepting her thanks, he really wasn’t sure what to say when he was thanked by anyone.

“Hungry?” Bellamy let the question out quickly once he heard her stomach make noise. She flushed once again and laughed “yeah maybe a little.”

Clarke swung her feet over as slow as possible to meet with the floor and within moments Bellamy was at her side which prompted her to laugh once again.

 

“Bellamy...I can walk” he sighed at her.

“hardly, you hobble.” he remarked pulling her arm around his shoulder. It was a challenge to walk with coffee in their hands but Clarke knew that walking on her own wasn’t an option just yet and she wasn’t sure if there was any crutches around for her to use either.

They made their way to the kitchen and Bellamy helped her up on one of the stools and she leaned her elbows on the island, drinking her coffee.

“Can I try what you made?” she questioned as he took out one of the bowls.

“sure, cinnamon and sugar?” he replied “Is it the one the grounders showed us how to make?” he nodded,

“Yes please” she said almost wiggling in her seat. He’s beginning to think that the grounders put some powder in it that induces drug like symptoms because everyone loves this mix.

She watched eagerly, still sipping her coffee.

“This coffee is exactly the way I take my coffee, how did you know?” she asked watching him move around the kitchen, prepping her breakfast.

“wild guess.” he said with a little smirk tugging at his left cheek. She half rolled her eyes at him as he passed the bowl to her.

She took the spoon he placed in the bowl and brought it to her lips to try. He was now leaning on the opposite side of the island watching her hum in contentment as she ate her breakfast. “This is really good.” she said as she finished chewing, he shrugged.

“Clarke,?” Abby spoke, the noise and static off the radio caught their attention as it sat on the kitchen table where they left it last. Clarke struggles to get off the stool but Bellamy walks around the island and puts his hand in front of her to stop her and then goes to get it. She appreciates the gesture and finds it amusing when he’s like that. - The let me and stop being stubborn look. He passes her the radio and she presses the button.

 

“Hi mom, how is everything?” Clarke asked already intrigued by the contact.

“Things are well and people who have never been up in space aren’t taking it well. The Med-bay is swarmed so I’ll have to make this short, how are you both.” Clarke glanced over to Bellamy with a confused look and Bellamy shook his head unknowingly.

“Why are people getting sick?” Clarke pressed the question anxiously. “SAS - Space Adaptation Syndrome, it’s a lot like motion sickness. Some of the patience are experiencing claustrophobia, nausea, some illusions and mild disorientation.” she paused and Bellamy and Clarke exchanged glances “All of our people are alright, if that’s what you’re wondering.” Abby responded again. Clarke sighed with relief.

“Okay.” she replied slowly. “Everything is okay down here it’s just kind of weird to have soft pillows.” she laughed a little and so did Abby.

“Such trivial things to worry about now.” Abby replied and Clarke’s face went blank. Bellamy noticed immediately and she looked to him, his eyes softened and he gave her a calming look for her to relax. “Anyway, I have to get back to Med-bay, I will talk with you later.” Abby’s last response and the radio went from static to silent.

 

Clarke’s eyes fell and hung low with her head. _“Clarke...”_ Bellamy spoke reaching out to her. She shook her head.

“I’m fine.” she mumbled and her empty eyes met his. “Can we look around the house, I want to explore it a little.” she spoke quickly before he could press the issue.

 

He nodded and went to her side, helping her up again, swinging her arm around his shoulder and his hand around her waist.

 

They started in the living room which had an open door to the kitchen. It was relatively large with a big couch in the center, a love seat and a single couch. A table in the center and a fireplace below and a tv above it, mounted to the wall. A shelf sat in between the fire place and the tv, it was small and had frames on top of it and a small succubus plant in the center. Clarke walked to the frames only to find them bare and empty. It pains her to think that she may never be able to fill these with her own memories. She trails her fingers along the frame and looks to Bellamy as he watches her curiously.

 

She walks to him and he meets her halfway, helping her to the next few rooms they visit. They realize just how big this place actually is. Empty bedrooms and closets filled with boxes upon boxes of god knows what. They also come to realize that this place could have filled a lot more people than they thought. It leaves Clarke feeling uneasy at the thought that they could have actually had more than just the two of them here.

Bellamy can’t help but appreciate the structure more than anything now. It was keeping them safe yes but the interior was nothing less than flawless and it was very modern. There were some paintings in here that he recognized as important pieces of art history. He wonders as he walks with Clarke, just how this place could have stayed so maintained, so clean and contain all of this?

He lets her go for a moment staying close to her as she opens a door to finds a small office room that had shelves upon shelves of documents and file folders. Her eyes widened. “This place has everything.” she said with a curious tone. “This must have been Beccas.” she continued walking a bit forward before stopping in front of the desk. She found a small picture which looked to be Becca and a woman and a man standing on both sides of her, a smile as wide as can be. She figures that they must have been fellow coworkers of hers or maybe even family.

 

The longer Bellamy spends in this place the more uneasy it makes him. It raises more question than anything else. He couldn’t focus on his questions any longer. This was their home now and he had to teach himself to accept that. He knows that Clarke is trying to accept this fact too.

She places the frame back on the table after looking at it for a while and turns back to Bellamy who was already waiting for her. He helps her walk again and she can’t help but appreciate just how gentle he is with her. They walked down the hall for a while before they reached a room with double doors. Bellamy opened it and to their surprise the room was giant and within it held a library. It was the biggest room they've seen so far, and the roof was very high. It looked very old and out of place compared to the modernization of this house. It looked like a library from the old films he used to watch. An old brick fireplace that was unlit, a giant picture frame above it which held a painting which he recognizes as The Creation of Adam. Two single person couches sat across from one another with a little table and a lamp in the center and they both faced the

fireplace. He felt Clarke fidget with excitement as she wiggled from his hold. He let her go smiling a bit. It seemed he wasn’t the only one that was a fan of books, he thought. He watches her walk to the right of the room. He wanders to the left of the room trailing his fingers over the old books, they seemed to be the only thing that collected dust around here. He looked for familiar titles which lay few and far between but the keywords of History or Mythology he paid attention to as he read the spines of the books. For the moment he remembers his Iliad that Gina gave him that was now nothing but probable ashes.

 

Trailing his fingers along he finds many titles he takes interest in but one stands above the rest. It reads “The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran.” His brows knit to the knowledge of it being out of place. Someone had to have picked it up and placed it here. The tiniest little things about this place, he swears, calls out to him. He finds the left seat and next to it sat a pair of standard prescription reading glasses. To amuse himself he try's them on. They are big frames and they sit nicely on his face, he opens the book and realizes that he can see the book better with them on. It puzzles him and then he is left with the unspeakable truth, the radiation he’s been dealing with has caused nerve damage.

 

Clarke finds her way to the right chair carrying this rather large, beige book. She sits across from him and looks at him, puzzled by the glasses on his face.

 

He shrugs. “I think the radiation...it ruined my eyesight a bit.” a sigh escapes his lips preparing for Clarke’s worry.

_“Bellamy...”_ she starts and her eyes gloss over, her brows knitting in sorrow.

“Clarke, don’t, I’m alive and that’s all that matters.” he interrupts her and she only nods.

She knows that he knows she worries far more often than anyone else about everyone, including him. In fact she finds herself worrying about him the most. She even remembers a point where Lexa said it herself and she began to realize her inability to live without him. She’s incapable of not worrying when it comes to him. When she’s in need of help she turns to Bellamy and he is already there. He’s always been there for her and she wants to return the favor any chance she can but he would never let her. His humanitarian, altruistic personality that leaves him running after Clarke to make sure that she’s okay.

 

She never wanted to burden him with her existence and she was starting to feel like she does.

It was silent between the two of them and the only sound between them was turning pages. Clarke is nose deep in her own book, it’s a full book with the art and descriptions of Robert Bateman. She had never heard of him before or his pieces but having a look at the book had her intrigued. It was acrylic work of animals and the fine details had her enthralled, wanting to paint and draw again herself. She wonders if there are any art supplies hauled up in this house and decides that later, she would go looking.

 

Bellamy is intrigued by the writing in this book and it was unlike anything he had ever read before. It always impacted him to find a book that left him thinking. He didn’t read the book from the beginning because it wasn’t a normal book. It didn’t necessarily contain a said story, it was literature. It was poetry spoken in ways much of a philosopher.

 

“I go with the wind, people of Orphalese, but not down into emptiness; And if this day is not a fulfillment of your needs and my love, then let it be a promise till another day. - It was the boundless in you; The vast man in whom you are all but cells and sinews; He in whose chant all your singing is but a soundless throbbing. It is in the vast man that you are vast, And in beholding him that I beheld you and loved you. For what distance can love reach that are not in that vast sphere? What visions, what expectations and what presumptions can out soar that flight? Like a giant oak tree covered with apple blossoms is the vast man in you. His might binds you to the earth, his fragrance lifts you into space, and in his durability you are deathless. - You have been told that, even like a chain, you are as weak as your weakest link. This is but half the truth. You are also as strong as your strongest link. To measure you by your smallest deed is to reckon the power of the ocean by the frailty of it’s foam. To judge you by your failures is to cast blame upon the seasons for their inconsistency.”

 

Bellamy reads these words continuously over and over, and finds it changing his opinion on a lot of different things he was struggling with, not entirely, but it speaks to him differently. Bellamy spent his entire life measuring himself on his failures and what made him less of a man. So it was different for him to read this. He found himself enthralled by Greek Mythology but never would he call himself a man to worship only one deity, this man who wrote this was a Prophet, who believed in a God, and this man who wrote this spoke to him clearer than he thought possible. The way this man wrote had him thinking on a level that was outside of his inner workings. He remembers Thelonious talking with him about forgiving himself. Bellamy is a man that doesn’t believe he deserves much of anything at all let alone forgiveness, but he may be considering the idea of changing that thought. Maybe if he focused on forgiving himself for what he cannot change, he would live with his sins instead of letting them control him. He had blood on his hands but with enough effort it will not stain forever, he thinks.

 

Clarke found herself staring at Bellamy once every few minutes, he was sitting what looked to be comfortably, one leg crossed over the other and his nose buried quite deeply into whatever he had grabbed off the shelf. She noticed he was lost in thought and figured whatever he was reading had to be good. The silence however, bothered her. She wanted to try to talk to him and ease the naked tension in the room. She waited until he stopped focusing so hard and took an opening shot at a conversation, praying that maybe, she could open up to Bellamy.

“Can I show you something?” Clarke asks him quietly, her eyes wandering away from him still looking at the book in front of her. His attention is caught and he’s looking at her, his eyes go soft to her the moment they finally meet with her wandering eyes. He nods slowly as he catches himself out of this trans he finds himself in if he stares at Clarke long enough.

 

“I’m reading about the Art of Robert Bateman, he was a Canadian artist in the 1930’s...back before the bombs. He did acrylic paintings of animals and” she turned the book around to show him a photo of the piece. “This is a Goshawk. The piece is called Goshawk and Ruffled Grouse, the Grouse is a primary prey of Goshawks. The detail he put in this piece is beautiful.” she points to the details in the Onyx feathers of the bird and what stands out most to Bellamy is the red eye of the Goshawk.

 

It’s so full of depth and he can’t help but understand why she’s intrigued as much as she is with this piece.

 

He nods “I used to read about Hawks and Raven’s oddly enough” he remarks a little and she turns the book around to find the next page she eagerly plans to show him and it has Bellamy smiling now.

Watching her this excited about art work that doesn’t even belong to her, reminds him that she was always one to enjoy simple things, he notes that down for later along with the oats and coffee.

“This one” she says with a tone of excitement, he now put his book down to listen to her. “This one is called Evening Snowfall - American Elk. I love the details in the antlers and the fresh snow that sits on it’s fur and antlers, this one is done with acrylic paint too.” she finishes looking up at him and her eyes met his with a sparkle. She feels her cheek flush when she notices his full attention was now on her.

 

She catches herself from burying in his deep gaze and speaks up.

 

“Hey Bellamy, I don’t think I ever asked you your favorite animal.” it wasn’t necessarily a question and he chuckled lowly. “I’m serious” she pressed. “I want to know what animals you like.” he was quiet for a while and he finally looked to her once again.

“I like wolves.” he confesses lightly with his signature smile. He watches her eyes light up and she flips furiously through the pages and turns the book around to show him another piece, this one had wolves on it, two of them, hunting in the night.

“This one is called Wolf Pack in Moonlight.” he smiles again, this time it carries more genuinity. “Why do you like wolves though?” she questioned turning the book to herself to look at the art.

“They are sly and smooth, they hunt in packs and are stealthy. They are powerful alone but even more powerful in numbers.” he catches himself confessing a bit more than he thought he would and retracts himself slowly.

“What about yours?” he asks, avoiding any other questions she could ask about him.

“I like Polar Bears” she confesses. “They have this beautiful white fur but they went extinct before the bombs. The polar ice caps were melting and unfortunately the habitats they stayed in died with them. It’s really sad.” she continued slowly. “I also like Lions, they are fierce and their manes are rather pretty.” she went from sad sounding to cheerful and Bellamy notices this every time. She is so quick and able to hide what bothered her and in return it bothered him.

“you like lions, that’s rather funny actually.” he spoke and she shot up to look at him, her brows knitting.

“why” she asked.

“Your hair in the morning is wild like a lion's mane.” he laughs lightheartedly and she laughs too. “It does not” he nods. “Yes, yes it does, Clarke.” - It had been so long since either of them had a laugh, or rather, could even find a reason to laugh.

 

_Could they find those reasons in each other?_

 

A silence fills the room eventually as it always did between them as of late. It bothered her that Clarke couldn’t quite bring herself to be open with him. She didn’t understand what held her from doing so but she did know she’s hurting and maybe in time she would forgive herself and that could give her the courage to open to Bellamy. That was the plan, she thought to herself.

“What about you Bellamy, what did you pick up to read, you looked intrigued by it.” she asked tilting her head with a brief smile. - _She had been looking at him reading?_ he thought to himself and it left a flush feeling to sit in the skins of his cheeks.

“Oh” he caught himself, now stuttering. “ The Prophet by Khalil Gibran, it’s a Prophet who writes poetry and it’s all very philosophical, I didn’t think I’d like it but I couldn’t stop reading. I almost felt the need to read it, it wasn’t in the right shelf. “ he confessed, taking the book in his hands and moving it around nervously.

“Can you read something from it, to me?” Clarke asks eagerly and her eyes sparkle in admiration at him.

 

He could hardly muster up a no, even if he wanted to.

 

“Okay, what do you want me to read you?” he asks, opening the book. “anything that you think I might like.” she replies with a little smile.

 

He nods to her reply and looks at the contents page which contain all the titles of the pages that start on a new topic. Bellamy clears his throat and begins to read a small part that he found himself smiling at earlier that reminds him of Clarke.

 

_“People of Orphalese, beauty is life when life unveils her holy face. But you are life and you are the veil. Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror. But you are eternity and you are the mirror.”_ he finished and his eyes glow while he looks at her and he watches the blush creep to her porcelain cheeks.

 

“That’s really beautiful, Bellamy. - Did you read any of this kind of thing when you were growing up?” she asks now closing her own book to listen to him. He’s caught of guard for a moment. He doesn’t ever recall telling anyone much of his past. Bellamy wants to open up to Clarke. _He wants to put all his pain aside and maybe, this was an opening to do just that,_ he thinks.

“I actually like History and Mythology. It was something I would read to distract myself as a child, it interested me so much that I would read some of it to Octavia before bed, it definitely put her to sleep.” he confesses in amusement, thinking about his sister.

“We didn’t have much on the Ark so when she wanted something different than her books to read the only option we had was the few that I read.” he finishes and he catches himself feeling conflicted. The moment he feels himself beginning to open up it’s like the gates deep inside his mind clamp shut into nothingness that prevents him from continuing a conversation with her.

Clarke takes note of his body language and she can tell that he could be struggling with the exact same thing she is.

“Bellamy. These things take time. I’m struggling too, to open up.” Clarke speaks confidently and it catches Bellamy off guard, it was as if she was in his head. He exhales heavily and looks to her.

“I’m trying, Clarke. This house, this life, everything is too new, too quiet. This morning I had to decide what brand of coffee to drink. When just the other day, I was making life or death choices. I feel ridiculous.” his laugh he lets out of hoarse and sounds a lot like frustration.

 

He’s flustered about this entire situation.

 

“The worst part is, I can’t even talk to you without clamming shut.” he was rambling now and his voice grew louder and louder as he spoke.

_“Bellamy”_ she said softly.

His eyes shot to her and he found himself softening to just her look alone.

 

“We will get through this okay. This is not easy for me either. I don’t even know what to say half the time. I do know that this is something that we can get through, that’s what’s keeping me going. So keep trying and so will I.” this was far less than a suggestion, she wanted him to see the potential light that she saw.

It’s true that they went through this all together, making decisions, but she knows that Bellamy handles it differently. He isolates himself and gets to boiling point before he explodes.

“Clarke, how am I supposed to sit around in this house and pretend to be happy.” he said, still flustered as ever.

“Bellamy.” she spoke again, this time louder.

“It’s not like I can just pretend-” Clarke cut him off and she was raising her voice over his own.

 

_“Bellamy!”_ he stopped and his eyes found hers again. “You don’t have to _pretend_ anything. It’s okay. I want you to find peace with yourself. I’m trying to do the same thing okay? this wont be easy, this is going to be very hard, but please, just be you Bellamy...just be you.” her voice was soft and careful but spoke like a warm summer breeze.

 

His eyes were wide to her confession and the frustration that this situation brought him almost diminished into what seemed like thin air.

_She was kind and loving and he was explosive._

He was lucky to have her and in this moment, now sitting across from her, he realized something very important. The woman that sat across from him, wanted him to stay who he was regardless of what he has done. What he did, what they did, she never labelled him for it the way the others did.

Even if this was to be, she would always put him back together, that’s what Clarke would do for him.

_A broken man in search of himself in hopes to one day be whole again._


	3. A melody to connect us.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The house holds secrets and so does he.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took a long while, I apologize, I've had so much going on in the past little while in my personal life that I've been non stop.
> 
> Anyway hope you enjoy! 
> 
> Keep up with my shenanigans here:
> 
> https://twitter.com/belIamyblake_  
> http://myindepthmind.tumblr.com/

It doesn’t take long for Clarke to grow hungry in Bellamy’s current silence after her pleads to get him to realize his worth. The thing about Bellamy is he always worries and sometimes a bit too much. This house is different for both of them and she knows that it will take them a while to get used to. It doesn’t make it any less stressful but, for Bellamy it’s worth it to her. He needs to realize that he doesn’t have to change to make her happy or to live in this house and pretend. She doesn’t want that, she wants him to heal.

 

“I’m hungry.” Clarke’s voice was a mumble as she noticed that Bellamy remained in this trans he was put in after her confession of what she wanted from him.

For what it was worth and for all the truths it spoke, Clarke only knew the Bellamy she met on Earth, why would she want him to change? why would she wish him to be this roommate - domestic ball of hysteria?

 

His eyes stared blankly into space eventually looking to her.

 

_“Bellamy please...”_ her voice was soft and caring and graced his ears.

However Bellamy wasn’t ready to have this talk, he wasn’t ready to face anything. He was frustrated, so frustrated with this entire situation. There has to be something in this house that he could put all of his energy into. Something that would work out the frustration hidden deep in his blood stream.

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” he spat, delivering that frustration.

Clarke frowned and rose from her seat. “I just want to go eat...that’s all.” she mumbled and he instantly felt regret after speaking to her in that tone and he let out a sigh.

She didn’t deserve any of this. There had been countless times where he had saved her but she was the reason he carries on living, just simply by existing, giving him a reason to live rules over anything he could possibly do in this life time. She shouldn’t have to deal with his piss poor attitude over the situation that he could literally do nothing to change. He should be grateful that he’s even alive he supposes. Alive and well for the most part, with Clarke.

 

“Okay.” he mumbled, slipping his glasses off his face and placing them on the table, flipping off the light switch to the lamp and finding his place beside her walking before slinging her arm around his shoulder to help her walk.

“I’m fine” her voice was cut and simple, to the point, she was irritated and he was the one to provoke it.

“Don’t be so stubborn, Clarke.” he said almost laughing.

He’s not shocked. She remained true to her roots and that be it stubborn ones. It did shock him when she didn’t protest further, he had guessed she must have been still very much sore from beforehand. She also did more walking today than she probably should have.

 

The thing with Clarke is, she doesn’t let people order her around. So even if Bellamy asked her to sit down and relax, once she saw this library, there was no stopping her.

 

“All this walking is going to make your leg worse you know.” he said softly as he helped her walk down the hall back to the kitchen.

“I don’t want to sit around” she blurted out. “I’m going to have a plentiful amount of time to do that since we’re stuck here.”

 

_That stung him. A lot._

 

He understands why she’s hostile, this place is getting to him too and it hasn’t even been that long. There is still so much about this place, so much to explore, so much that they do not know. He puts the stinging feeling that her words made him feel aside for the moment. He knows she doesn’t mean it the way he’s thinking.

 

He helped her down the three steps to the kitchen and helped sit her on one of the island stools. She zoned out a little staring blankly at the marble island counter she leaned on.

 

“I was thinking, we have some old pasta noodles here and some sauce.” he was opening the counters then looking to her for an answer.

“Is that stuff even any good?” she asks.

 

“From what I understand this entire house has preserved a lot. I’m assuming it is.” Bellamy replied nonchalantly placing both the sealed sauce and noodles on the counter. He brought the pot to the sink to fill it up with water. He placed it on the stove top and found the oil, pouring some of it in the water and sprinkling a little bit of salt into the water.

 

“I didn’t know you knew how to cook?” she questioned, now intrigued.

“I did back on the Ark. I used to help my mother cook.” he replied, flicking the burner on.

 

He opened one of the sliding drawers to find a stack of cookbooks and he pulled one out placing it on the table. He began to skim through it quietly.

Clarke was quiet for a while watching him skim through the book. His mother was a touchy subject and she was having a bit of trouble trying to find things to converse about. She felt like she knew so much about Bellamy, yet nothing at all.

 

They were both struggling with this new life they had to adapt to. They both reasoned with one another that this will take time and it will not be easy. They were both struggling to even look at one another for longer than two seconds before trying to find something else to wander at. Clarke knew she had the capability of opening up to Bellamy, but did he want that? maybe he wanted to keep closed and live these years simple and closed off.

 

_That thought alone haunted her._

 

She had mixed emotions toward the situation at hand and Bellamy himself. She had always felt a way about Bellamy that she couldn’t quite describe. She loved him sure, she did always admire him and she always had a soft spot for him. She never saw them as any more than platonic and that feeling felt like it was set when he left her that night he told her to get some sleep after writing the list. She saw it as mere rejection, that he didn’t feel the same way or if he did he suppressed it until it was no longer visible. Bellamy was very easy for Clarke to read, she could calm his worst of moments and found him at peace when he was with her. However now she wasn’t really sure she could read him. This Bellamy she sat across from was scattered and almost empty. He was trying and she could tell but he was angry. He was sad and he was confused. She just wanted to reach out and help him in any way she could but she knew that, that may never be her place. She was no Gina after all.

 

She watched him skip through different recipes and his eyes would glow when he found something he was fond of. The tiny details on his cheeks that his freckles kissed, his curls a mess and his laugh lines present when he would look up and muster half a smile. Being in his vicinity, this close, was intoxicating. Clarke always moved away from him when she got too close to prevent provoking her feelings for him. She truly thought she suppressed it all after he rejected her touch but now seeing him here, having him here, living with him. It’s becoming more of a problem.

 

It’s only been roughly twenty four hours, maybe a bit longer and she was already finding her feelings tied up in knots, deep inside her heart. She had passed lovers, ones she loved very much, even throughout all this time. Both her and Bellamy had lovers but there was something that kept the both of them together. They gravitated toward one another and it was a magnetic pull she knows he feels too. How many times did they say they needed each other, or claimed to refuse to live without one another, how many “togethers” before one of them gives in. Maybe that’s what it was, she thought to herself. Maybe her love for Bellamy all this time was deeper than she thought. Now she’s left with this confusion as she feels herself suffocating in his presence.

He’s just too much.

“I think I’m going to wander a bit more.” she blurts out after coming back to reality. She’s watching him now opening the can of sauce and pouring it into the little pot on the small burner.

 

He turns to her. “Clarke... you’ve been walking on it all day.” he’s concerned but he knows she’s more than likely to ignore his caring tone and go on with what she wished to do anyway.

“I’ll be fine.” she wiggles out of the chair and disappears into the hallway. There’s no way she’s dealing with these feelings when she can’t even pinpoint them properly.

Bellamy watches her back until she leaves the room and he stares blankly at the door frame she left to. He’s not entirely sure what to do at this point. This is all too much for both of them.

Clarke wanders down the hall slowly at the pace she can handle without harming herself. The hallways she wanders are all very lit up and it leaves Clarke curious as to how this place holds electricity. This home is riddled with secrets and she would be lying if it didn’t bother her in the slightest. The paintings that littered the hallway, they were all breathtaking. She passes one with a small couple on the side wandering through what looked to be a forest and it instantly reminds her of when they landed. It reminds her of Bellamy.

 

She shakes that thought off along with the rest. She finds herself gravitating towards one of the few doors that lay in sight. There are four parallel to one another. She assumes they had to be either offices or bedrooms so she finds herself on the left to start. She opens the first door on the left and flicks on the light switch and her eyes gape to the sight before her.

The room is littered with canvases and art supplies.

It looks like it was abandoned, left in a rush as if to escape.

Clarke had noticed that a lot of places she had visited on the planet that were left standing were abandoned in a rush, she remembers the bunker that Finn discovered and sighs a little bit to herself in attempts to keep her composure on the subject. Anyone she lost was a sensitive subject and things reminded her of her people at almost every glance.

 

A canvas still sat on an easel in the center of the room. It had a stool to sit on, and on top of the stool sat a paint palette with dried old paint. Clarke wandered into the center of the room as the hardwood floors creaked at every step she took. Looking to the canvas she found the painting unfinished, only the back ground was water-colored a light blue. She found her eyes searching the room for the rough draft of what was to be on the painting but instead,her eyes found a round music player and it made her heart skip with joy. She recognized it immediately because her father had one just like it. Clarke darted to the other side of the room ignoring the shooting pain in her leg just to get to the player. A bunch of old disks were on the table in disarray. It fascinated her to find titles she recognized from back on the Ark. She picked one up that was labelled “mixed CD” and popped it in the disk tray. She closed it, hit the on button then hit play.

It seemed like a mix of soft music that she could most definitely enjoy, so she did. Clarke found a blank canvas and some paints. She scraped off the old paint off the palette and took one of the few brushes and began to paint.

 

She was trilled with the contentment that this setting brought to her. The voice from the CD player left chills down her spine as she dragged the bristles of the brush down the canvas.

 

_“I found love where it wasn’t supposed to be, right in front of me, talk some sense to me.”_ it sang loud, she left it loud as the beat of the song picked up.

She found herself swaying, senselessly, she didn’t care. She painted without an agenda and a smile crept to her face.

 

_This was the first time Clarke felt content on Earth._

A melody flowed throughout the house and Bellamy’s head shot up the moment he caught it.

 

He was beginning to worry prior, the house was silent and he was beginning to contemplate looking for Clarke. Maybe she had fallen and he didn’t hear it. He always worried and common sense came later.

 

The song was simple and beautiful and he couldn’t quite make up what was being said in the lyrics but he knew Clarke struck a gold mine of some sort. The pasta was just about finished so he took the pot off the stove and strained the water out. He took the pasta sauce he seasoned by himself and mixed it in the pot with the noodles. He popped the lid on top of it and placed two plates and a set of cutlery on the table for him and Clarke. He decided to light the two candles that sat on the table, they smelt like an assortment of fruits. After he was finished setting up, he looked to the table and he smiled in contentment. He knew this would make her smile.

 

Bellamy went to search for Clarke and he followed the music to a room that had the door half open and the light creaked through. He poked his head to find Clarke sitting on a stool in front of a newly painted canvas. She was singing and swaying, she was painting. Bellamy found himself breathless, she looked so content, so completely pure, so beautiful. He leaned against the door frame and for a while he decided not to disturb her. “Wise men say, only fools rush in, but I can’t help, falling in love with you.” sang off the CD player. He remembers the tune, his mother used to sing it. He found his eyes closing in contentment to the sound of Clarke’s voice and the fleeting feeling of his mothers touch.

 

“Oh hey Bellamy, look what I stumbled upon.” Clarke’s voice pulled him from his thoughts to find a vibrant smile and sparkling blue eyes now turned toward him. She had a spot of red paint on her nose and it caused Bellamy to let out this pure laugh she had never heard before. Her eyes widened in surprise. He was smiling, he was happy?

The two of them were both too confused to understand the sudden happiness of one another. Clarke too began to laugh at this new contagious laugh that was gracing her ears.

 

“Stop this is contagious!” Clarke howled and Bellamy looked to her, his hands on his knees bracing himself. He walked towards her to close the space between them and stood between her legs on the stool.

He brought his finger up and poked her nose with his index finger, she frowned. He then took that finger and pressed it to his nose and Clarke’s eyes widened once again to the sight.

“I have paint on my nose?” it was a shout and her face went flush red to the sight but she was laughing, she was smiling.

This new found light was overwhelming to her. She was watching Bellamy smile to something so simple as red paint on her nose. She was the one to make him smile this way. How on earth did she get paint on her nose?

 

_She didn’t care how._

 

Clarke looked up at him and their eyes met with a spark. He was still laughing, he was still smiling.

 

“Dinners ready” he says through a laugh, reaching for her hands to help her up. She accepts and as soon as she does she wraps her arms around his shoulders into a tight embrace. She was off the ground and buried deep in his arms. His eyes closed to the feeling of her being so close. This new found happiness and energy that radiated between them was astounding. He was worried that it would vanish in seconds of it showing, and it did.

He felt her body shiver and light sobs shook the small form in his arms. She was crying, sobbing even. He pulled away, still holding her in his arms.

His eyes softened. _“Clarke...”_

“It’s nothing...I just....I feel really happy right now and I don’t remember what it feels like.” she confessed smiling almost brokenly.

 

He nodded and brought her back into his arms, he spoke no words, he had none to describe how he felt. Seeing her this way had happiness radiating throughout his body but it did not stop the underlying feeling he had of frustration. He pushed those thoughts aside for the moment, it wasn’t the time to be dealing with his own.

 

“Are you okay?” she asked softly into the valley of his shoulder.

 

He brought his face to her hair and nodded in response. They stood there like this for a few minutes, just drinking in the temporary happiness that still lingered. Bellamy was used to happiness being temporary so this went as no shock to him that the moment ended as fast as it came to light.

 

“Let’s go eat.” he said after a while, he was starting to smell the scent from the candles.

Clarke only nodded. He walked over and switched the radio off and met at her side. She didn’t protest this time either, when he pulled her arm around his shoulder. He was starting to sense parts of comfort from her. He figured her ability to lean on him physically may be no different than her leaning on him in general.

 

They walked to the kitchen and Clarke gasped to the sight of the candle lit dinner. “Bellamy” she breathed and he could see a light tinge of blush on her face. He didn't know if it was from the embarrassment of paint on her nose or the sight of his gesture.

He took her and sat her down on the chair across from his at the table and made his way around to sit. They sat in silence eating and Clarke had a few hums of pleasure leave her mouth while she ate. They didn’t need to say much but Bellamy found him watching her far more often than he would like to admit. Every time he did, her blue eyes would flash to his.

 

She sensed uneasiness within him and placed her fork down. “Are you alright?” she question.

 

He was beginning to wonder how she can do that. How she can reach into the corners of his mind only he knows and yank the thoughts fresh from their roots. There wasn’t a true sense to fight any of this anymore but he continued to press the idea that it wasn’t the time to tell her how he felt. However Bellamy was a man of many sore thoughts, his mind drifted to how he felt about Octavia and he used that instead. It was still an example of one of the many things he felt misery towards, he just chose the lesser of the two.

 

He shook his head to her question and his eyes fell to his plate. He twirled the fork creating a ball of noodles and waited for her to ask as she always would.

 

“What is it Bellamy?” he arm reached out and her hands grazed his hand. Her gentle touch left shivers.

“It’s just O. I wish I could apologize to her in person. - I blame myself, for everything, for Lincoln...” he stuttered and he felt his body developing a pain in his stomach to the subject.

_“Bellamy”_ her voice was soft _“that was Pike, not you, you didn’t kill Lincoln, Pike did.”_

 

“I didn’t listen to you when you told me that Arkadia needed to make things right. I was mad at you and everyone else who stood against him. I thought I was helping my people but I should have listened to you.” his voice was broken and full of fury toward his own actions. He had been stewing on this for a while.

 

Bellamy tuned away from his food and his head hung low. Clarke rose from her seat and found her way to his side of the table returning the gesture of finding herself between his legs.

 

“I can’t save anyone. I can’t save my own sister, I couldn’t save anyone from the hundred, people died and I couldn’t control it, I can’t save anyone.” he repeated this line far too often and Clarke hated that he believed these things. Clarke wrapped her arms around his head and shoulders, bringing him to her stomach. His hands wrapped around her body and she could feel him shaking.

 

“Bellamy...you _always_ saved me.” she whispered as her fingers ran through his curls.

She felt his body go stiff and he looked up to her. His eyes were blood shot and empty and hers were full of something he couldn’t quite identify. Her hands found their way to his cheeks and her thumbs wiped his cheeks.

 

They stared for a while and Bellamy thumbed at her back while she played with his curls. “Do you ever stare at the ceiling and wonder what everyone is up to?” she asks quietly as her eyes look to the ceiling, her arms now on his shoulders.

 

“All the time.” his voice is low and rough.

“Their lives are considerably normal to hours.” she adds almost smiling and he nods in agreement.

“Do you ever miss it, being up in space I mean.” she looks back down to him for his response and he smiles softly leaning into her touch.

“I don’t miss space, however, I do miss hair gel” he replied cheekily prompting her to laugh.

“There’s no way you of all people used hair gel on this.” she gestures to the hair she’s playing with.

“My hair was gelled back when I landed, thank you.” he replies rolling his eyes.

The radio goes off in static and it shakes them from their longing embrace. “Clarke?”

It’s Abby’s voice off the radio.

 

Clarke looks to Bellamy and he nods, she grabs the radio off the island counter and presses to respond. “Hello, everything is okay down here.” Clarke replied.

“I wish I could say the same, two people have died up here.” Clarke felt her heart in her throat.

“To the same illness?” Clarke stuttered.

 

“Yes and some patience are getting worse. We have taken weapons from everyone but one of the grounders completely lost all sense of control up here and killed one of their comrades. Jackson and I are doing all we can for these people but the entire station, everyone is afraid.” Abby responds quietly but her voice is full of nothing less than anxiety and Clarke can hear the fear in her mothers voice.

 

She felt Bellamy stiffen and he pulls the radio from Clarke’s hand. “Are our people alright? is Octavia alright?” he pressed.

 

“Our people are sanctioned off from the grounders until we know it’s safe. It feels like we’re on a second Ark up here ever since we closed places off. - You and Clarke really were glue to our people, to everyone.” Clarke looks to Bellamy and she smiles at his sigh of relief.

 

“Get things under control. Tell Miller to be at yours, Raven, and Octavia’s side, any time you need it. Orders from Bellamy” he barked this order smoothly and it made Clarke smile to see that still left in him, even if it was broken and weary from all they had been through. He was a good leader and she was glad to have him at her side.

“Will do, and Bellamy? keep Clarke safe.” Abby replied and the static went silent signifying that she had left to do just that.

 

Clarke was stiff and Bellamy looked back up to her. “I’m not very hungry anymore.” she gestured to her food and Bellamy rose from his seat in front of her.

 

He walked around her picking up her plate and his own. She watched him walk into the kitchen and place the two plates in the small microwave. He stacked them both strategically. The beep from the microwave left an unsettling feeling in her stomach, it reminded her of home but that wasn’t what she was feeling.

Clarke’s brows furrowed.

 

“Hey Bellamy?” he turned to look at her. “Do you ever wonder how this place has power?” she questioned and she watched his brows now furrow too.

He nods. “actually I’ve been wondering about this since we got here.”

“Let’s go look.” Clarke insists and Bellamy half rolls his eyes and looks to her leg. He gave her a pout of a gesture that she too, rolled her eyes at.

“Bellamy I’m fine.” she steady her feet and walked - limped toward him and he was at her side as he normally would be. It was something he was growing used to, he can’t say he minded.

They wandered down the hall to where that office was and decided to check there to start.

 

Clarke skimmed through the papers as she sat at the desk and Bellamy looked through filing cabinets and drawers. They were searching for any kind of lead on the house. They only assumed there had to be something written about this house somewhere.

Clarke found a little red folder and it read “Panels.” She flipped open to find small diagrams of the roof of a house and gaped in excitement. “I found it” she exclaimed almost throwing the folder in excitement. Bellamy leaned over her and they read the document together.

 

It was written in what Clarke only assumed to be Becca’s handwriting.

This home was built for the future when radiation returns.

 

_It is built to withstand all forms of known radiation and contains all needed for survival when the time arises. It is made as a strong hold for myself in case I needed it in my time on Earth. If you are reading this, know that this solar power works throughout the house. There is only one defect to this: Pockets of radiation storms will be too thick for the sun to reach the panels. If the storm grows to be too much, the sun will not reach and the power will fade until it is clear enough to restore._

_This is the only defect of this home, it is built to withstand. If you take shelter here and are reading this, pray that the radiation storm does not turn. If it does the power to the house will be no longer._

_Turning in the storm will make it too thick to let any sunlight through. The potential to damage the panels is possible._

 

 

  * __Signed Becca.__



 

 

“This place...has more secrets than we thought.” Bellamy mumbled.

Clarke only felt her heart sink. This place was a safe haven in case of an emergency of course, but how were they to fix it if the storm turns?

She felt herself dry swallow and she looked up to Bellamy in worry. If this happens they could die in here.

They thought they were safe from the radiation and they were but they could have landed themselves in another time clock.

Another count down that could happen in seconds.

Bellamy dropped the papers and placed his hand on her shoulder and she leaned in to it immediately.

“Clarke...we’re safe. It’s not going to happen.” Bellamy’s voice was reassuring but he felt her body shiver.

 

How long until they possibly die again?

 

This place might be a trap of it’s own and they landed right in it.


	4. Yuanfen.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuanfen - a relationship by fate or destiny; the binding force between two people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to apologize for how long this took. My grand father is in the hospital and I've been having trouble finding time to get to my computer to write this so I apologize.  
> Thank you for your patience.

There was something truly unsettling about this entire situation.  
It hasn’t been normal since they got here. Realistically the thought of being stuck in a relatively enclosed space was enough to warrant worry but now that they knew it was possible to lose power entirely, to possibly die once again....  
Clarke wasn’t okay.

All Bellamy could do is attempt to calm her down with a series of deep breaths and reassuring speeches. It was something Bellamy was used to doing at this point.

When Bellamy had his fits of blind rage, Clarke would be there to soothe his strongest of storms.

When Clarke couldn’t carry her usual burdens on her own, Bellamy would keep the walls around her up so they would not crumble on her.

They were each others wonder wall. - _Someone that saves you from yourself._

After they read the notes in the office, Bellamy carried Clarke to her room. She didn’t protest when he lifted her, no, she was completely dead to the world. Clarke is a lot of things. She is brave, she is kind, she is cunning, she is brilliant and artistic but Clarke is never easy to break and what information she was just given, broke her.

It’s like she was a hollow shell.  
Bellamy felt it too.  
To the both of them even though they were alone, they found salvation, a safe haven.  
Now it has the potential, like everything else that has ever been precious to them, to be ripped right from their very hands. He doesn’t blame Clarke for a second for her to feel this way. They’ve been trying since they landed to find peace. Some kind of peace that will let them sleep easier and now he’s not sure they will ever sleep much at all. It was like they were destined for greatness but the greatness is only the ability to survive. The greatness does not come with a home or a smile, happiness or purity. Had they become nothing more than empty shells? just passing by along with time, making it from point A to point B?

Bellamy wanted Clarke to be happy. It didn’t matter where he was, alive or six feet under, so long as she was happy he would be okay. He carries her to her room and lays her on the bed and his heart sinks and pulls like the worst of hyper-extension. As he watched the tears stream down her face, god he wishes there was something he could do.

After Bellamy places her on the bed, she only sits there staring blankly. He joins her and sits in front of her, his eyes searching her face, any sign of Clarke’s will is gone. His hands come up to her knees and he’s mindful of her injury.  
“Clarke...” he speaks softly to her.  
He hopes his voice will reach her as it usually does. She looks to him. It doesn’t take words to help her speak, the sadness that fills her eyes speaks enough. It couldn’t be called sadness anymore realistically. Clarke is exhausted, mentally, physically, in every possible way.  
He searches her face and finds that exhaustion. He knows she just wants to live in peace.  
She wants to live without fear of what’s around the next corner or what knife lays close to her spine. He gets it and if he can, he will always stand in the way of those knives, those potential horrors. He thinks Clarke knows this at this point in time. It was something they both shared. It became instinctive for them to save one another, to throw themselves in front of one another, just so the other could live another day. He didn’t know where Clarke sat but, he knew he loved her very much, so much in fact that if he had to die every day so she would be happy, he would.

Bellamy’s been in love with Clarke for as long as he can remember.

Her eyes glisten from the bedroom light. _“Please stay here with me.”_ she asks.

It comes as little to no surprise that she doesn’t want to be alone and quite frankly he doesn’t blame her. It doesn’t stop him from feeling sparks. The feeling of being needed. Bellamy’s eyes soften as they look to her and he nods with a half smile.

He rises from where he was sitting and makes his way over to flip the light switch off, Clarke flips the lamp light on in sync. He walks over to his side and pulls his shirt off. He pauses and looks to her and she’s already got her eyes on him.

He flushes. “force of habit, I can keep it on if you like.” he mumbles, tripping over his words.

“It’s alright.” is her reply, soft with a hint of blush to her cheeks too.

He slips under the covers facing away from Clarke. He feels her get up and head to the dresser, finding herself the shorts she wore the night before. She slips into the washroom leaving Bellamy for a few moments.

Was it always going to be like this for them? he could only ask himself these kind of questions.  
The feeling of these bedsheets on his skin made him want to give in to sweet release of slumber but he knows he can’t, not until Clarke is sleeping soundly. He wills himself awake, for her.

“A good little night by his queens side.” Allie’s voice clouds his mind and his eyes shut as he mentally wills the thought away. Bellamy tried to make his feelings for Clarke seem obsolete. If they actually were or not is entirely out of the question because they still existed throughout the time him and Clarke were on seemingly separate sides.

It was a time on the ground he hated. It was the first time since he met Clarke that he truly disagreed with her decision making and felt almost as if she was a stranger. They eventually put aside their differences and picked up on one anothers intentions leaving them with the ability to grow stronger together.

_We need each other Bellamy_.

No words could speak this kind of truth.

Clarke felt so alone.

It wasn’t because of Bellamy. If anything he was her anchor and he kept her balanced. She just couldn’t quite pinpoint why. She runs a warm cloth against her cheeks wiping away all access dirt and tears left over from how many times she’s cried. The warm cloth on her face feels nice and takes her to a place for a moment. A few seconds of peace. She wonders as she looks herself in the mirror, if her and Bellamy could find happiness. It was a question she found herself asking.

Be it with chaos or not.

She just wishes she could rest. Close her eyes and lay with Bellamy. Forget the toxic planet they’re stuck on. Forget that their family is so far from them. She feels like she’s in a parallel universe here with him. These days pass by slow sometimes and others speed through. She can’t find herself complaining about any of it.

All Clarke wishes to do right now is lay with Bellamy. So she does with caution. She reminds herself to think clearly around him. Reminding herself that he may not love her the way she loves him, it keeps her thoughts for him at bay for the time being. Clarke started to notice the little things he did and she thinks that maybe he does feel something for her. She just doesn’t want to be loved because he feels like he has to now that they’re seemingly stuck.

She knows Bellamy used to have some kind of feeling toward her she just doesn’t think they stayed after all they had been through.

Clarke opens the bathroom door and flicks off the light. Her first sight is Bellamy laid facing his side, he looks like he may have fallen asleep. She slips under the sheets quietly, fluffing her pillow and fixing the corner of the bedsheet that seems to flip up every time she sleeps. Clarke lays on her back now and lets out a deep sigh. She’s calmed down from earlier and her thoughts are in clearer view.

She turns her head over to look at Bellamy.

She hadn’t noticed so many freckles.  
Bellamy had so many damn freckles.  
They kissed every part of his body. His olive complexion topped with his deep brown eyes and messy curls. She smiles softly and finds her finger tracing lines between his back freckles, creating the constellations she can remember.

“That tickles.” he mumbles and rolls over to look at her, she’s frozen where her hand was stretched out and blushing accordingly.

“Hello.” he say’s softly putting her frozen hand back down on the bed. “It’s fine, you didn’t wake me.”

“Sorry” she manages, stuttering.

He shakes his head. “Octavia used to do that to wake me.” he smiles.

Clarke’s smile peeks at the side of her mouth only for a short lived second.

“Clarke...” he says softly, his hand is brought up to her cheek as he pushes a curl back. His eyes are soft and full of meaning. “we’re going to get through this.”

Clarke nods. “I know, I just worry - happiness doesn’t come easy for people like us.”

“I know that, that’s why I’m reminding you.” he replies smoothly. “Get some rest.” He shifts and rolls over again to how he was laying.

Clarke smiles at his back and finds herself relaxing again. It’s quiet between them and his gesture has left Clarke a little stumped on words. He was gentle with her in a way she didn’t recognize.

Bellamy felt like for once he didn’t mess up talking to her, he was half proud he didn’t trip over himself as he knows he normally does. - Be it bad possibly going to die jokes or just the inability to create the right words. Bellamy was really great at being that one person to make everything completely tense or blatantly awkward, or so he thinks.

“Bellamy...” Clarke speaks after what feels like a few hours of silence. “are you asleep?” she asks.

“Everything alright?” he replies quietly, it’s almost a mumble. It’s silent again between them.

“Can I - may I lay closer to you?” she stutters and her turns to look at her.

He nods. “sure.” he moves closer to her so that they are almost touching.

“It’s going to be difficult to get used to this.” she speaks softly, their heads lay close to one another. His eyes dance on her face and hers sparkle as they normally do.

“It’s too quiet without Murphy or Jasper.” Bellamy adds with humor. Clarke nods along in agreement.

“Raven too.” she adds.

There’s a light pause before Clarke speaks again. “I’m glad - I’m glad it’s you I’m here with, Bellamy.”

His eyes widen and he smiles to himself, his heart is racing. He only nods as a reply, his body does the rest. He finds his arms around her and she responds, burying herself into the caves of his arms. His warm flesh against her finger tips, she smiles into his chest and he feels the curl of her lips.

“I’m glad I’m here with you too.” he mumbles into her hair.

For once in Bellamy’s time on Earth, he’s holding Clarke in a way he never could.

“I was wondering what it would be like, if I was separated from you.” she speaks into his chest and Bellamy is taken aback by her sudden want to say more than a few words.

He lifts his head to move and look down to her. The sight is something all on it’s own. Her curls a mess, splashing onto the pillow and the bed like new rays from the sun peeking over the mountain tops. The glow in her eyes he finds only when she looks at him. He drowns every time.

“Why’s that.” he asks curiously.

“I just figured if you were up there, maybe you could control the chaos, you were always good at that.” she answers shrugging a little.

“Isn’t that a bit of an oxymoron?” he asks teasingly, smiling at her.

She smiles back almost with a bit of a smirk if you look closely, “I guess it is.”

He smiles at her and pulls her close again. “Get some sleep.” he mumbles into her hair.

With that, he felt her body relax into his.

Clarke finally drifted off to sleep and once she did, Bellamy finds his eyes heavy, he gives in to slumber too.

The second time Clarke dreams, it’s unsettling.

Clarke is walking through the camp by the drop ship and a woman in red she recognizes appears to her.

“Good to see you Clarke.” Allie speaks.

Clarke scoffs. “hardly.” she walks away heading in the opposite direction, attempting to put space between her and the nightmare alone that is Allie.

“You doomed everyone.” Allie speaks in monotone. Clarke spins on her heel to look at the red dressed figure.

“You don’t know anything.” Clarke spits.

“Must be nice to finally be alone with him.” Allie remarks. “Isn’t that what you wanted?”  
Clarke’s brows furrow. “What could that possibly mean?”

Another figure appears, Clarke recognizes it immediately, it’s Becca.  
“Ignore her, please.” Becca pleads. “don’t listen to her.”

“The truth is not appropriate?” Allie asks turning to look at Becca.

“Clarke deserves this after she doomed the planet. The city of light was a safe haven and she destroyed it.” Allie presses.

“It’s not...like that.” Clarke says softly, her eyes finding the ground.

“You got to be alone with the boy, isn’t that enough?” Allie asks.

“Clarke don’t listen.” Becca pleads.

“Again what could you possibly mean by that?” Clarke asks turning to look at Allie.

“You mustn't have forgotten? I can see into your deepest dreams, your wells of desire.” Allie almost smirks to Clarke.

Clarke gapes and stutters under whatever breath she had left. deepest desires? could she be talking about her feelings for Bellamy this entire time? She plays it off.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Clarke sighs irritably.

“You thought about this boy when you pulled the lever to shut down the city of light, you know very well what I speak of.” Allie presses.

“Clarke she’s trying to get in your head. She’s trying to make you feel guilty for surviving and shutting down the city.” Becca’s tone is soft and genuine. Clarke knows that Becca means well.

“It would be a shame if he were to die, wouldn’t it?” Allie remarks.

Clarke stumbles in worry. “don’t touch him.” she barks as her voice cracks.

“You can’t save everyone, you can’t save him.” the voices disappear and Clarke shoots out of bed, tears already streaming down her face. She was held so close to Bellamy’s arms and ripping from them wakes him immediately, he’s gasping at the sight.

Clarke is screaming and sobbing, she shakes uncontrollably as Bellamy sits up desperately trying to hold her. He sits against the bed’s headboard and cradles her close to his chest as sobs echo the room and rack her body.

“Clarke it’s just a dream, it’s just a nightmare, it’s okay...I’m here.” he mumbles softly, his hands finding her body and rubbing to soothe her. She doesn’t respond, her tears drip on his flesh. He’s frightened but keeps a cool outer shell. He expects her nightmares and his heart races from being woken up so suddenly.

Clarke sits up removing herself from his hold, he sits up with her too.

“I’m going fucking insane.” her hands come to her temples and she pulls at her hair, tears still prominent.

“Clarke listen to me.” Bellamy pleads, his hand comes to her back.

“This has to be some sort of god damn cabin fever, get out of my head.” she shouts and her tugging on her hair gets worse.

“Clarke!” he shouts, his hands cup her cheeks and he looks directly at her. “Look at me.” her eyes don’t find his face and he shakes her in his hold. “Clarke” he repeats and her eyes finally find his.

She buries herself into his arms and he lays her back down in attempts to rock her to sleep. He doesn't ask what the dream pertained, he knows it’s nothing good. He traces circles on her lower back as she lays against his bare chest. He feels her give into sleep, he’s worried but he knows if this continues, he will need sleep too.

It’s hours later and Clarke wakes from her rest. She’s careful not to wake Bellamy when she removes herself from where she fell asleep. She looks to him and he looks so peaceful. The way his curls fall in his face, how he had her held so close.

She had a few moments of peace before the thoughts of her dreams returned. She had dreamt of Allie and Becca. Was it a sign? was someone trying to tell her something? was the city of life still existent in some way? maybe not the city but Allie? it left chills to run down Clarke’s spine.

After peeling herself off Bellamy she finds herself pacing around the room so anxiously. She’s attempting to grasp at straws, anything she could think of that could correlate to her dreams.  
It wasn’t Allie appearing that causes her to feel panic. It’s the threats she used, she threatened Bellamy. While pacing she glances over to Bellamy’s sleeping form, he’s relaxed and soft. Something welled up inside her. Maybe it was the look of him at peace, maybe it was the sheer thought of her losing him, she doesn’t know but in between all her clouded thoughts and harmful visions, Clarke is crying again.

Bellamy deserves peace and Clarke is chaos.

Clarke isn’t a quiet crier either and it doesn’t take Bellamy long to stir from his slumber.  
His eyes slowly peel open and he adjusts to the lighting, taking a moment to wake.

 

_“Clarke...”_ he mumbles. _“what is it...what’s wrong.”_ he asks, he leans up, sitting up on the bed. He leans on his palms and Clarke is almost taken aback by the sight of him.

She shakes her head.

“don’t be like that.” he reply's sighing.

“I think I have some kind of cabin fever. I don’t know what’s going on. I’m dreaming of things I shouldn’t be.” she replies finally.

Bellamy pulls the sheet off and rises to meet her across the room. He puts his hands on her shoulders. “what is it?” he asks, his head tilts to the side and his brows furrow in concern.

“I dreamt of Allie.” she says softly as she looks to the ground. She feels his hands tense around her shoulders and his eyes widen. She knows how Bellamy feels about that entire situation, that entire chapter of their life was nothing less than disastrous.

“What about her?” he hesitates in fear of the answer.

“She said that I doomed everyone....because I destroyed the city of light.” she starts talking softly, her eyes not meeting his.  
“Becca eventually appeared there too...but Allie kept saying I couldn’t save you. That I can’t save you...I-” she pauses and her eyes finally meet his.

“Bellamy I’m so scared.” her voice sounds like the pleas and sorrows in the deepest parts of her. “What if I made a mistake, destroying the city?”

Bellamy shakes his head in response. “God no, Clarke...you saved us all.”

“The entire earth is uninhabitable and I got us stuck here.” her voice of sadness turning into upset.

“Clarke. The Earth, the way this worked out, is not your fault.” he pulls her close to him.  
“We did this together. We made these decisions together. If anything it’s my fault then too.” he attempts to reason with Clarke that it’s also his doing.

“No I made the bigger decisions, the nightblood, everything...” her voice grows soft and her eyes go out of focus, her bottom lip quivers.

“Clarke, look at me.” her eyes dart to his lips, then his eyes. For a moment she can smell the muskiness that is Bellamy. He has this scent that feels like home, something original to him.

“It’s....” he notices her wandering eyes and it leaves a flush tint to go to his cheeks. “It’s going to be alright, let’s just go talk to Abby okay?” He pulls her in and presses a light kiss to her forehead.

Bellamy takes Clarke’s hand and she complies easily, he helps her walk to the kitchen where they left the radio.

Clarke sits at the kitchen table while Bellamy stirs around the kitchen boiling the kettle to make Clarke a tea and him a coffee. He decided on the breakfast blend this time, making his way through his options of coffee that he still found excessive.  
He takes out a small red mug for Clarke and a grey one for himself.  
“sugar?” he asks softly from across the kitchen, turning to her, she nods smiling slightly.

Clarke presses the button on the radio. “Mom?” she asks, it’s a dead static response.  
Clarke was flush still from Bellamy’s gesture, she had never felt this way before. He’s never opened up quite like that either, never to touch her the way he does. He was gentle but mindful and kept his distance.

Bellamy looks over in concern when Clarke’s eyes go from the radio to his across the room.  
“Mom?” she pages again.

“Clarke?” Raven’s voice rings off the radio.

“Raven? where’s my mother?” Clarke asks, now worried.

“She’s taking care of our people...Monty isn’t looking well...” Raven speaks sadly.

Clarke’s looking to Bellamy now and her heart sinks, he feels it too. His eyes soften to her sadness as they always would. It was their connection to one another that caused this. He’s become so used to her and vice versa that they feel each others pain.

“The illness?” Clarke asks quietly.

“Yes, it’s not affecting everyone but I’m concerned.” Raven paused. “What about you two?”

“We have been okay but I’ve had these dreams, the first one I could hardly make out but this one was almost...real. I dreamt of Allie, she spoke of the city of light.” Clarke spoke with fear.

“I’ve had them too...” Raven replies.  
Bellamy’s head shoots up from the cup he was stirring, he went from leaning comfortably to his eyes darting in Clarke’s direction in worry.

“What?” Clarke asks in curiosity with a mix of worry.

“I think it has to do with taking the chip, she is still connected to some of us...somehow. Becca spoke to me more than Allie but, I think that’s it. If things were to go wrong and Allie’s City of Light plan were to go south, I think she chose specific hosts to keep her connected. - It’s a little messed up now that I’ve said it out loud.” Raven sighs. “I don’t think it’s anything to worry about though.”

There was a long pause before Raven spoke again. “Do you ever get the feeling like some of this was planned?” Raven asks curiously. “The second Priamfaya, Becca knew about it and so did Allie.” Raven finished trailing off softly.

“How is that possible?” Clarke presses angrily.

“It is.” Luna’s voice rang off the radio like a song. Clarke tensed, awaiting the possibilities of what Luna could have to say about this.  
Bellamy finished making their beverages and found himself at Clarke’s side now. His immediate panic very visible now as his facial features melted from potential happiness.  
Clarke held out her hand and intertwined her fingers with his. He looked to his hand then to her with a half smile.

“Long ago when our people followed the first commander, legends say she told a story. The story of a man and a woman, a second coming of man kind. Two human beings who would change mankind's ways indefinitely.” Luna spoke confidently as if she’s told this story a hundred times, thought Clarke was certain she probably has.

“A man who knows bravery as swift as a sword, cunning and motivated. Strong like a gladiator and brave like a king. The man would lead his people with his will and strength. He carried strength but carried love equally. His smarts would inspire the masses, his knowledge on ancient history, the fall of man kind, to change the very world itself. The man had a heart so big, he would love us all, inspire us all.” Bellamy looked to Clarke already reading his mind. Luna was single handedly describing Bellamy.

“He would bow to only one, that would be the woman to co-lead the human race. She spoke as the two would lead us and bring us full circle and bring about peace between our clans.”

“The woman was the brain, she was all leadership and strength. An amazon warrior as beautiful as the goddesses themselves from ancient times and mythology. The creativeness that would flow through her would be endless. She would remove any obstacle with her will to survive alone. The people follow her, rejoice in her presence. They would look to her in belief that one day she would save us all. That they would both save us all.” - “I did not know who they would be or if the stories were true of the first story but ever since I met you both I started to believe that the first story may be true. That is why the commander designed this home. The home alone was a myth, an urban legend that tied to the story...then when we traveled here for the nightblood solution I began to realize that we were living that story. That would be why our old commander, Lexa, may have been drawn to you.” Luna finished confidently, telling her story that she could remember since she was a child.

“How is any of this even possible.” Clarke asked, completely baffled by Luna’s story.

“We used to hold documents of the story in Polis where the flame was held but all is long gone now.” Luna replied.

“So you’re saying Clarke and Bellamy were some kind of destiny?” Raven asked curiously.  
Bellamy scoffed.

“The first commander believed that the humans who reside in the sky would save us. She believed that two people would band together, two leaders of multiple strengths, would change our lives.” Luna replied smoothly. “That is all I know.”

“Why didn’t you tell me when you saw the house, when you started to realize the story materializing right in front of you?” Clarke was practically yelling and Bellamy winced closing his eyes. His frustration coming to a boil beneath his skin.

“Would it have changed anything?” Luna asked, her voice not wavering to anger.

It was silent for a moment before Bellamy barked. “Where’s Abby.”

“She’s tending to patients, Bellamy.” Raven replied quickly.

“Get her, now.” he replied angrily, now demanding.

“Bellamy..” Clarke whispered softly, still holding his hand. His right hand came to her shoulder and his grip tensed around her shoulder as his eyes clamped shut in irritation. They heard mumbles on the other line, what sounded like shuffling feet and papers. They assumed Bellamy’s demand was clear.

After about twenty minutes of silence and tension, Abby’s voice rang off the radio. “Hello?”

“Mom.” Clarke said softly.

“Is everything okay?” Abby asked worried.

“No.” Bellamy scoffed. “It’s not okay. Clarke is having visions of Becca from that god forsaken chip everyone took, we’re apparently destined to be stuck in this hell hole, some kind of prophecy bullshit, how do the dreams stop, Clarke isn’t sleeping properly.” Bellamy practically spat this out, his cheeks flush from anger.

“Bellamy, it’s okay...” Clarke gave a reassuring squeeze to his hand but he yanked it away.

“No it’s not okay, Clarke.”

Abby sighed. “Okay, look, the way we’re helping patients up here is by helping them reach a state of peace so their mind doesn’t wander to what is bothering them. You’re not the first person to feel Allie. There are several reports up here. There isn’t anything you can do further than jogging positive memories through her brain. Creating new ones causes them to diminish over a period of time.”

“That’s just great.” Bellamy sighs irritably, walking away.

It’s silent for a while and Raven finally comes to aid.

“Your mom apologized for cutting it short, she was needed elsewhere. Clarke?” Raven spoke quieter this time.

“Bellamy has always been like this, always been this protective. He just doesn’t show it.” Raven almost laughs. “Don’t worry Clarke, he’ll come around. He’s a worry wuss. As for the dreams, I’ve been doing what Abby suggested, it’s been working for me. Just take it easy, I’m always here, just a call away.” she could hear Raven’s smile over the radio.

“Thanks Raven.” Clarke smiled too.

Bellamy walked the halls of the house, ever tiny detail leaving him angrier than before. It was like there was nothing he could do, he felt useless again. Every time Clarke is in danger be it physical or mentally straining, he could hardly do a thing. It was all Bellamy truly knew how to do, to protect the people he loves. Now he had to watch Clarke suffer through countless nightmares. There are only so much “it’s going to be okay’s” he could say. There had to be something more that he could do.

His frustration sent his fist flying through the drywall next to him. Directly through it, an almost perfect hole. He yanked his hand out and groaned irritably. Looking through the hole he found himself surprised to find gym equipment.

It was like a sign.  
He needed to blow off some steam or this house alone was single handedly going to kill him.

The weights felt good, the burn felt good and the music even better. He blared it until he felt like he was going to go deaf.

Clarke wandered slowly and aimlessly to the library, hoping to find a possible lead to this so called story, hoping maybe Becca left something for Clarke.

She pulled out a bunch of titles, some read: Facts of God, God’s From Outer space, Those of Myths. She wasn’t looking for anything in particular but she found humor in the fact that she was a so called myth herself. She figured brushing up on the subject might bring light to the chaos that surrounds them. Was it chaos or is it radiation? both, both sounds accurate.

She curled herself onto her seat in front of the fireplace that she decided to light. She pulled a warm wool blanket and found herself reading for a long time. She wasn’t sure how long time had passed, she didn’t think to look for Bellamy.

They needed a few hours of space.

So a few hours passed between them.

 

Bellamy finally exhausted his efforts, his body burned and his face held satisfaction.

He shut the music player off and head back to the kitchen. His head swiveling left and right, Clarke was no where to be found. He then checked the bedroom and she wasn’t there either, swinging open the bathroom door not caring for privacy. He felt sudden panic.

His pace quickened as he made his way to the office, then to the art room, then finally to the library.

He let out an exhausted and relieved breath when he found Clarke curled up, sound asleep, buried in books.

He smiled slightly. The sight of Clarke at peace made him feel warmth well up inside him.

He walked his way to her quietly. Finding himself next to her, his fingers trailing down her exposed arm, peaking out from the blanket.

“hey...” she mumbled, Bellamy retreated his arm away.

“hey.” he said softly.

Her eyes opened hazily and they glowed in the light of the fire.  
Even half asleep she was breathtaking.

She rose from her seat and yawned walking the two steps in front of him.

“I’m sorry...for earlier. I panicked.” he confessed, his eyes meeting hers.

“It’s alright. I was worried.” a smile reached her cheeks.

“I hate the thought of not being able to protect you, Clarke.” he confessed again, his head looking away from her and a light blush kissed his cheeks.

A long pause.

Clarke brought her hands to his cheeks, pulling it to look at her.

“You have always protected me, Bellamy.” her proximity was so close, it was too close.  
He could feel her breath on his lips.

With that he felt his arms around her waist, the pads of his thumbs finding her skin.

She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, her eyes melting with his own.

Her fingers found his neck and the dark curls above it.

Bellamy pulled her closer, she leaned in softly, their bodies melding together.

“always.” she said softly.

Bellamy’s left hand wandered the underside of Clarke’s shirt.

She didn’t feel shock for anything other than the tenderness of his touch. She craved this kind of closeness with him.

She was worried it wouldn’t last.

She had to tell him how she felt, was he ready to hear it?

Clarke pressured by his neck, pulling him close.

Her lips pressed against his softly, Bellamy had a second of shock and realization before his finally answered hers.

  
_Did Clarke just kiss me?_

  
He pulled away, making eye contact with her, looking for reassurance that this was okay for her, and her eyes glistened from what looked to be happy tears, with that his lips crashed back into hers. Every second the kiss deepening further. She found herself clinging to him and he wasn’t much different. She never pictured their first kiss quite like this.

It was more than perfect.

__They got lost in each other for a while._ _

__For once not a care in the world._ _

__It was just Clarke and Bellamy._ _


	5. Find me in the garden.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke did know that this feeling welling up inside her, was love. It was a familiar feeling but it was always fleeting or misguided for her. This was different. Clarke felt a way in which love was glowing inside her. She had passed lovers but she chalked it all up as one simple statement: 
> 
> They weren’t Bellamy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is short and there is good reason for it.  
> There is build up to something big and it's to come in the next chapter.  
> Stay tuned.

“What did you do to your fist while you were gone?” Clarke asks curiously quirking a brow.

“It met the drywall.” Bellamy replies dryly, holding her waist as she runs her fingers down his chest, he leans in again pressing his forehead to hers.

There’s a pause and a content-like stillness in the air they couldn’t quite recognize. They were starting to feel more comfortable than anything else. - It worried Bellamy, every time he felt content or close to comfort he had a habit of either A: ruining it or B: someone gets hurt in the process.

He would be lying if he wasn’t worried. - _He was hardly ever wrong when these feelings set in._

“We’re going to be okay.” he mumbles softly. “I promise.”

“Bellamy Blake makes promises now? what day is it, I think I need to write this down in my little book next to the rest of the tiny details I wrote since we landed.” she replies sarcastically, her hands coming from his chest to rope around his neck, her fingers graze the bareness.

He laughs with a small smile that could match a smirk. “I keep my version for you all in my head, it’s documented as princess.” he deadpans.

A small laugh escapes Clarke’s lips, then to follow with more laughter, it didn’t take long before she couldn’t stop laughing. It was contagious.

“Stop laughing - This isn’t healthy, I can’t stop.” Bellamy says in between breaths, he began to laugh too, his head tilts back and his chuckles are genuine. To him it was more of Clarke’s happiness that had him on this new found cloud nine.

Her laughter, her smile, her happiness, he never wanted to go without it.  
Not for another day in his life.

After she finished her fit, her eyes glisten from the tears of happiness from earlier. “I think I should shower.”

“Alright.” he smiles, letting go of his hold on her, leaving one hand to rope around her waist.  
He lead her to the bedroom slowly. Clarke admires his patience with her healing, he’s ever so gentle with her and it always played a little with her heart. His genuinity spoke words so profoundly.

“I’m going to make us some dinner, alright, if you need me just whistle and I’ll come running.” Bellamy gives his light nod he always does and with a gesture of his hand, he leaves the room.

Clarke finds her way into the bathroom, peeling off her pajamas she finds herself living in, and slips into the shower.

 

_Just whistle._

 

What was to come of us? she thought to herself as she idly runs her index and middle finger down the center of her lips. She smiles softly at the left over sensation of Bellamy.  
He returned the kiss and he held her so close, his smile was like he just came across a gold mine, or a new gun, she laughed to herself.

She had never seen him smile so often in one sitting. Sure, she’s seen him happy but hardly. The world they lived in didn’t breed happiness.

Clarke did know that this feeling welling up inside her, was love. It was a familiar feeling but it was always fleeting or misguided for her. This was different. Clarke felt a way in which love was glowing inside her. She had passed lovers but she chalked it all up as one simple statement:

_They weren’t Bellamy._

She’s had him in her life since they landed and she had always admired him for multiple reasons. Be it his strength which guided him, his strong leadership qualities, his charm and good looks, his smarts and his ability to adapt. Bellamy was a one of a kind man and Clarke knew this.  
She was starting to think that her love for Bellamy happened early but she knew one thing about herself that was certain: she pushes people away.  
She remembers herself starting to feel that deep love for Bellamy, it was recognizable and it was becoming hard to perform simple tasks around him without giving him heart eyes. It was when she told him she couldn’t lose him. After the events with Finn she realized just how precious the people in her life were. She had her mother Abby, she had those of the hundred who she chalked up as family and she had Bellamy who was the closest of them all.

She pushed it aside as a weakness but that didn’t stop Clarke from putting him first.  
She knew that if she got everyone out of Ton DC, Bellamy would have been caught and possibly killed. That was something she couldn’t handle, losing Bellamy.

That thought of losing him drove her to make choices based around his well being and she did it subconsciously.

_“Love is weakness.”_ \- what she used to tell herself when she knew it would take over.

She drove Bellamy away from her, inch by inch, until they were fighting in that office room.  
He told her that people die when she’s in charge. Was he right?

She pushed those thoughts aside because that wasn’t important anymore. The words he spoke were ones of anger and sadness, because she left him and he wanted her to understand just what it was like to not have her around.

 

The long nights she stayed up in Polis, just staring at the ceiling, wondering just how fine he was without her.

She was always under the impression that she was expendable.

_\- but she always had Bellamy to tell her otherwise._

After Bellamy left her to shower, he decided he wanted to surprise Clarke.  
Bellamy grew up reading stories to Octavia. One in particular he remembers was a romance novel and of course Octavia being a little girl, she believed in princesses and princes. The kind of man to sweep a woman off her feet and take her to places she had never been. Show her a world only he knows and make her his own.

Bellamy wasn’t a prince, he was of no royalty, he believed in no magic and he hardly believed in love. - but Bellamy wanted to be all of those things for Clarke.

He didn’t believe he was a good man but he did believe that Clarke made him one. It was ridiculous, he thought to himself. That his own self worth was hardly visible unless someone told him it was still there.

It came with the territory, he didn’t want to be on the list, he truly thought he would die to the radiation soaked planet, now he’s here with Clarke, setting up dinner for her.

He rolled his eyes at the domestic display in front of him. He found a nice white table cloth to go over the table, he found candles and evenly placed them on parts of the table. He stood back admiring his display and went to finish cooking.

He decided he would just make a simple stew with the sealed meat they had stored and some of the herbs and spices from the grounders. - crafty bastards, he thought to himself as the aroma filled his senses, leaving a home like feeling to settle in.

_Was it always going to be like this?_   his mind wanders.

It wanders to the time he almost told Clarke how he felt. When he thought he may never see her again and he’s reminded that he hasn’t told her how he feels yet. His lips did sure, but he wanted her to hear it and more importantly, he wanted to hear himself say it.

He dumps the dry pasta into the broth and goes to find something decent to wear.  
He peeks into Clarke’s room, the light still on in the bathroom, leaving him enough time to check her drawers and closet. He’s careful to be quiet.

In the closet he finds a small dress, to his estimated guess it would fit Clarke perfectly. He would be lying if he didn’t already have her figure memorized. The dress is short and would come to about her thigh, an open v-neck at her chest and two medium sized straps.

He smiled a bit as he held it out in front of him, admiring his choice.  
He rummaged through one of the dressers to find paper and a pen to write with. He left the dress on the bed, on her side, and a small note to sit on top of it for her to read when she gets out.

He hears her shut off the tap and he slips out quickly and makes his way to his room just across he hall. It was time for him to find some kind of dress shirt to wear.

Swinging open the closet door he finds a variety of button up dress shirts in multiple colors.  
For a few moments he contemplates the color and sighs. Of all things, coffee flavors and what to eat for breakfast, this takes the cake. He was deciding what dress shirt to wear for a poorly put together dinner for the girl he loved.

He rolled his eyes at himself this time. - He begins to think what he’s planned is dumb.

he decides that black dress pants were a go and to compliment he went with a black dress shirt too. - Bellamy was not a man of formalities unless it had to do with the guard. He wore his uniform, listened to his fellow guardsmen and those above him in ranks. However, Bellamy would never put on a dress shirt. Even when Aurora could afford to get photos done, he would make a fuss until she stopped pestering him and he’s been the same way ever since.

The one significant difference that Bellamy noticed about both his and Clarke’s room was that his had a mirror across from the bed. - He would call that poor interior decorating. Instead he dresses in front of it, making sure he looked half decent, whatever that meant, he thought to himself.

He buttons up his shirt, his chest disappearing into the dark fabric, he leaves two buttons undone and rubs any remaining lint off his shirt.

His bathroom was hardly touched but he decided to try a hair brush. He played with it a bit, combing it back but his curls wouldn’t allow it anymore. His hair was always straight but he assumed the earths atmosphere is what caused it to curl and change. He didn’t hate it but he found it hard to work with. He did like to gel his hair back on the ark, he found the slick back look easiest to handle.

However this was infuriating. He rolls his eyes at himself in the mirror and drops the brush letting it hit the sink. There wasn’t much of anything he could do with his hair anymore. So instead, he groans and ruffles his hair with his hands.

This was the first time in a long time that he was actually trying to look decent. It made him mumble humorous phrases, he even laughed at himself. Clarke didn’t care what he looked like and he knew this. There was just something about dressing nice around her. It was different for the two of them. Another very different feature being added to their lives. Instead of using his pistol to impress, he would gel his hair instead. God damn this house, he thought to himself.

God damn this house and it’s coffee and horribly colored dress shirts.  
Clarke was feeling refreshed like never before.

Showers were an escape to her and the feeling of water running down her skin always lets her escape, even just for a little while.

Clarke shuts the shower off and finds a fresh towel to wrap around her body. She wipes the mirror of the steam and has a look at herself.

She notices that she’s starting to feel healthier and what goes hand in hand with that is looking healthy too. Her face no longer had left over dirt or blood. The dirt under her fingernails no longer even noticeable.

She sighed in contentment and made her way out of the bathroom and into the bedroom.  
She’s shocked to find that same black dress on the bed with a little note that says. “Clarke.” - she was half surprised it didn’t say princess. It was indeed Bellamy’s hand writing and she takes her finger and runs over her name written on the paper, she finds herself doing this often. Anything that came from Bellamy, even a piece of paper, she had to touch. His gestures always so raw and used to be few and far between. Savoring became her specialty after a while.

She looks over to the dress and back to the note in her hands. She flips it open and reads: Put this dress on, pamper yourself, spend some time getting yourself all prettied up.

 

_I have a night planned for us so don’t peek into the kitchen or you’ll ruin the surprise._

_I know that’s exactly what you were just thinking to do and now, you’re rolling your eyes._

_I picked out this dress from the closet, put it on and let your beauty compliment it._

_Once your ready find yourself in the art room or somewhere else that’s not the kitchen._

_I’ll come find you when everything is ready._

_\- Bellamy._

 

Clarke’s entire body felt tingles of excitement.  
Bellamy planned something for them to do together. She had to admit that it sounded delightful. It’s been nothing short of misery for months on hand, even getting used to the house was draining. Bellamy was taking Abby’s advice and helping Clarke create new memories.

She started by brushing her hair. Her curls going lose and wavy, sitting nicely on her shoulders. She slipped fresh undergarments on, just solid black ones to go with her dress.  
The dress sat so perfectly around her curves. Nice and snug, leaving enough room to breathe.  
She went into the washroom and looked into the mirror.  
I’m missing something, she thinks to herself. The idea pops in her head to look for some kind of makeup. She finds no such luck, just some old mascara. Shrugging, she uses it anyway.  
It highlights and bolds her lashes, just enough to compliment her dress.

She found it foolish that she was doing all this in hopes to impress Bellamy.

Shaking her head and laughing to herself, she decides to wander the house.  
She wanders passed familiar rooms, looking to see if she could find something new, something different. They’ve been so distracted that they haven’t even had a look through the entire home yet.

Clarke was slowly starting to feel at home here, more at home than she ever did on the ark. Luna spoke of the destiny like it was a sweet song delivered to her gently. The said fate that binds Bellamy and Clarke together started off as unsettling until Clarke found comfort in the fact that she was meant to live along side Bellamy. - The whatever the hell we want, no rules no regulations, strong and empowering Bellamy Blake she met the day she landed on earth. They went from enemies to allies to co-leaders and now...she was falling in love with him. - She always was and she knows that now. It was force of habit to push her feelings aside, in truth she was afraid that everything she touched died. She knows now, that’s why she pushed her feelings for Bellamy to the far reaches of her mind.

As she continued down the hall letting visions of Bellamy dance in her mind, she was hit with a smell. It hit her like a ton of bricks. It was a smell she didn’t recognize but in the same breath, it smelt a lot like the scents of the Earth. Her pace quickened, she walked as fast as her sore leg could carry.  
Two large glass blurred doors laid before her, swinging them open quickly,  
Clarke’s mouth gaped at the sight.

What lay before her was a garden. By the looks of it, it’s self sustaining green house.  
A small bridge led a arch at the center of the room with a small bench to sit. Vines covered the arch and the sound of rushing water caught her attention. There was even a small waterfall and the tiny brook like stream ran underneath it. Her feet carried her over the bridge. This sight before her felt like a dream. Her father used to tell stories about the people who lived on earth before them. How they had places much like this. From her understanding alone, this place was a habitat that sustained itself. Small fish swam in the brook, she even heard the sound of birds. Only two she could see, small humming birds that flew with one another. Her eyes glowed like it was the first time she was seeing nature. The flowers that bloomed all around her, the sound of water. Things she thought she wouldn’t hear for years from now. It amazed her. This house continued to have surprises. Though this room was self sustaining she found her neck craned and her eyes searching the glass roof above her. In between where the glass sat and the room, there looked to be lights shining through. It came as no surprise to her that Becca found a way to make a green house like this self sustainable. It felt like she was standing in a small piece of earth, hand picked for her.

This prophecy that Luna spoke of, just all made sense.

Her fingers trailed along the wooden bridge and her eyes closed to the sounds of sweet birds and rushing water. She begins to hum and sway, finding herself at peace.

Bellamy finished cooking the stew.

He took a spoon and tasted it, just to make sure it wasn’t vile. He wasn’t a cook and he hardly knew much of anything but he was trying to learn some of the recipes inside the cook books. He had a knack for learning new things though the domestic moments of it all, bored him.

He took a ladle and poured some into both bowls. He smiled at the set up once again and decided it was time to fetch Clarke from whatever she’s found herself in now.  
Some things just never change.

He checked the usual rooms and it came as no surprise that she had now wandered to find something new. She was full of adventure beneath her tough exterior. Bellamy only wishes to help her see that light that still flickers within her. He wishes to illuminate the life within her. The happiness, the love and the Clarke she was before the world turned her into the person she is today. He knows she fights with herself, she struggles to find peace within her. If he can help her find the light, he might find it within himself too.

Bellamy trailed down the halls, opening doors that lead to spare bedrooms, some offices and storage closets. He wonders how far she wandered. The door ahead of him was left half open and he gently opens it, revealing the green house to him.

Clarke sat on the bench, her back to Bellamy, staring at the flowers and the trees.

He couldn’t believe his eyes.  
He slowly walked through the room listening to the sweet sounds of nature that loomed around them. He could hear the birds and rushing water. Closing his eyes for a moment, he breaths in deep, allowing the fresh scent to overload his senses. There were small butterflies that flew by delicately, his eyes go from looking to the flowers and the nature surrounding them to where Clarke sat.

He could feel the cobblestone on his feet, it was cold but he didn’t care. His feet carried him forward to Clarke.

He stopped in the center of the bridge before her.

“This is....” he mumbles.

“beautiful, right? - I can’t believe I found a garden.” she cocks her head to the side to look at him.

He smiles slowly as she rises from the bench, walking around it to meet him.

“You look beautiful.” his hand touches her arm just above her elbow. His eyes aglow with happiness and something else.

She blushes. “Dinners ready.” he speaks softly, taking her hand. Small talk as he leads her back to the kitchen, she complimented him and thanked him, he told her as he always did that it was no problem and that she never needs to thank him.

“This smell, it’s really nice.” he feels her hand shift in his and her mouth waters.

“Almost as nice as the flowers.” he remarks.

Clarke’s eyes widen to the sight of the dinner table. The lights were off and the only thing illuminating the room was the flashing red light from the radio and the six candles illuminated at the table.

“Oh Bellamy, this is beautiful.” she turns to look at him and he smirks that Bellamy like smirk.

“Go on.” he gives her a gentle push down the two steps that lead into the kitchen. He pulls out her chair and she sits down quietly. He was happy that the steam still came off the bowl, he was half worried it would grow cold in their absence.

He watches her pick up her spoon, scooping the broth and bringing it to her lips for a slow blow to cool it off. Her hum in contentment had Bellamy’s lips parted. Maybe it was the light illuminating her curls, maybe it was the glow of it on her face, maybe it was how beautiful she looked or maybe it was just her being with him, she took his breath away.

“This is lovely.” she pauses and her eyes meet his. “Thank you.” He only nods lightly and begins to eat as well.

He hated that he had nothing to talk about, that they had nothing to talk about at all. They weren’t preventing a war or planning one, they weren’t keeping grounders for interrogation or hiding the hundred behind the walls of camp, they weren’t saving the world or ridding it from war and cruelty. It was infuriating that the silence between them was almost comforting, however the air was also thick and he could feel just how tense she was too. It was something they were both feeling. So Clarke broke the silence with an open ended statement.

“Don’t do these things for me just because we’re alone.” she surprised even herself.

Bellamy gaped and held the spoon still full of liquid away from him. He sighs “What?”

“I don’t want you to be this way to me just because you think I need it.” It was how she was feeling.  
She sat in the garden contemplating about a lot of things. However Clarke had a habit of overthinking, maybe that’s where this took her. Her thoughts started out positive, she was happy that she was meant to find him but her darkness inside her overwhelmed her, before Bellamy showed up, she was even in tears. She didn’t want him to do this just for her, it was such a Bellamy thing to do. Put her feelings first even if he didn’t feel the same way.

He scoffs a half laugh. “you’re joking right?” he accuses. “You have to be joking, of all things, of all times, really Clarke?”

Her mouth parts and her brows furrow. “I’m not, I’m not kidding. I don’t want you to do this for me. You’ve been doing it since we got here. My nightmares and tremors, my god damn leg.” she gestures downward.

Bellamy tilts his head back in disbelief shaking it, he rubs his eyes. “You seriously think that’s what this is? that I’m just doing this for fun, without reason?” he pauses, looking to her, his voice is broken from anger. “You think this is fun for me Clarke? this place is a god damn hell hole and I feel myself going insane bit by bit as I decide what coffee to drink next. Of course I look after you Clarke, it’s because I care, I’ve been doing it practically since we hit the ground.”

his voice is harsh and growing louder by the second. It wasn’t fair that he was being this way but Clarke also understood it in a way. He’s been so busy looking after her that he forgot about himself. He was feeling the side effects too. The fear and regret, the cabin fever like symptoms. It would explain his eruption over her nightmares from earlier too.

“I didn’t ask you to look after me. Again, stop doing it. If it’s such a big deal then please” she gestures. “By all means Bellamy, look after yourself for once.” She rises from her seat, her spoon falling and clanking against the ground.

“Nobody asked me to. I choose to, Clarke. That’s the difference here. I don’t sit around and watch over you because someone god damn well asked me to. I’m not going to argue with you. Do what you have to, convince yourself of whatever, I don’t care.” He uses his hand to gesture away from him as his other hand rubs his eyes again, he sighs and hears Clarke’s slow and broken footsteps away.

“Where do you think you’re going.” he asks, looking to her and sighing again. “You need to stop walking around.”

She spins on her good heel to look at him. “Away from you.”

He said nothing and he watches her leave. He grunts in frustration sending everything on the table off, onto the ground. This house was getting to him and he was taking it out on Clarke. It wasn’t really fair for her to accuse him of just straight babysitting, as if he was some kind of care taker. However he shouldn’t have blown up, he knows that she doesn’t truly know how he feels.

He’s reminded again of when he tried to tell her and his anger boils inside him. He questions himself, why can’t I do anything right?

Clarke didn’t think asking that question would go quite like the way it did just now.  
That was always why she consulted a person before she made decisions because when she would make them on her own, they would be ideal in her head but never go quite as planned.

Clarke wasn’t sleeping tonight and Bellamy sure as hell wasn’t either.

Clarke walked, she just kept walking, the house had so many rooms, so many halls...she felt empty. She didn’t know how long she walked or if she would even stop. Her leg hurt but she ignored the pain.

Instead Bellamy made his way to Clarke’s room, waiting to hopefully talk to her.  
This can’t happen. They can’t argue like this every time the going gets tough.  
There was no running away from this, not after what she just accused him of.

_Bellamy was getting ready to tell Clarke that he loves her._

Hours passed and he felt sweat on his forehead as he waited in anticipation, going over and over in his head what to say to her.

He decided to go to her instead, he checked the usual places.

Clarke was no where to be found.


	6. True to nature.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This house wouldn’t be able to demonize him further, or at least he hoped. It was suffocating to deal with being in an enclosed space but he did feel some kind of safety here, he knows the feeling of safety came from being next to Clarke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize that this took so long but the polls for the Alpha Male Madness took up all of my time quite literally.  
> I tweeted recently that once we won I would start up a new story so when I do decide to post that please take a look.  
> I would like to update that my grandfather was in the hospital, which is why most of these have taken so long to post. He is doing well now and I thank everyone for the kind well wishes. 
> 
> Keep up with my shenanigans here.  
> https://twitter.com/belIamyblake_

Bellamy walked the halls for what felt like decades. Did Clarke have to pick now of all times between the apocalypse to behave like this? He wanted to talk this out. He truly didn’t have time for this kind of thing. The house was irritating all on it’s own and it’s almost temping to boil in the radiation than to be stuck in this god forsaken house.

More than anything he was frustrated with himself, frustrated that he let this get to a point where she doesn’t understand his motives. For a while he’s irritated until he comes to the realization that Clarke hasn’t had anyone who has loved her to a point where the relationship is stable. She found herself loving people with ulterior motives. At this moment he can no longer blame her. He can’t blame her for building walls as tall as the tower in Polis. She’s been layering bricks down since Finn, since Abby got Jake floated, since Lexa betrayed her and left them all in the mountain to die. Clarke is tucked away, terrified, of love.

It suddenly all begins to make sense. Why she didn’t let him finish on the beach that day. She had a little bit of faith left in love and if he spoke that day, she would be worried that she would lose him. It had to be all over before she could hear it, she couldn’t afford the distraction. She kissed him and he melted into her, it was very clear how she felt toward him and it was the same as his own feelings. It was time for Bellamy to tell her. It was time for him to tell her that he loves her. With more than just touches or kisses, with more than together's and protection. With his words, out of his very own mouth, _he wanted to hear himself say it._

_“I love you.”_

Where the hell is she? he thinks to himself as he practically stumbles down the hall, reaching from door to door, swinging it open viciously to find more empty dark rooms. He groans in frustration. The halls illuminate further and he finds himself entering laboratory rooms now. The halls went from modern to pale whites and blues. The air felt still in these halls, as if he was in an actual hospital itself. The thing about the Ark he remembers is that every room felt like this. A prison, a laboratory, a hospital. It had the plain colors and illuminated hallways, it had flashing lights and you could always hear the sound of your own footsteps. It would make sense to have a lab here, considering the house seemed to have everything else.

He walks passed a glass window, the room has the light on and Clarke is inside. He stops and wiggles the door handle, it’s locked from the inside.  
“Clarke?” he hits the window. She turns to face him, assuming she either heard his voice or the noise he was making.  
“What are you doing?” he asks curiously, a pitch of worry running throughout his words.

“I’m just reading some files, I wanted to be alone. I just needed some time to think.” she mutters loud enough for him to hear.

“Are you okay?” he asks quickly, his eyes darting to the handle he was still wiggling.

“Bellamy I’m alright just please relax.” she tries to reassure him but words don’t reach him.

“Just unlock the door at least?” he asks as his eyes find hers.  
“I don’t know how.” she explains. “I walked into this room to have a look at the files I saw on the desk but it closed behind me. I’ve been struggling to find out how to get out, it’s not a normal door.”

Bellamy shakes the handle viciously now. “I’m going to get you out.” he grunts to the feeling of the metal doorknob pressing into his palms. “Look around to help at least?”

She nods and begins to wander the room searching for any possible key, switch, leaver, anything to get her out. She was starting to feel claustrophobic. She knew that Bellamy would eventually come along. When she originally got locked in, she began to panic. She scrambled around the room knocking things over in attempts to find out how to open the door. She had to sit down and reevaluate her game plan. Becca wouldn’t just have a room that locks without some way to open it. It seemed like a normal office room, there were a few test tables but nothing she would classify as out of the ordinary.

As she begins to look around for what counts as the third time, she hears Bellamy hit the glass window again, and again, and again. She looks to him and his pained expression was of pure frustration. His grunts of anger echo everything around them.

A loud cracking noise comes from the glass, Bellamy’s theatrics were growing by the minute as sheer panic flooded his system. He could see the fear growing in Clarke minute by minute, the longer she was stuck in there, the worse she was going to get. He had to do something.

CRITICAL ALERT. CONTAINMENT BREACH.  
ACTIVATING PROTOCOL 616.

Clarke’s eyes shoot to Bellamy’s and their eyes wide in sync as loud gas pressure noises echo from all corners of the room. Red lights flash from the ceiling as Clarke runs to the window, her hands go up in worry pressing against the window as she tries to hit it now herself. “Bellamy!” she’s shouting but her voice is choked as the smoke fills the room.

Bellamy panics. “Clarke stay with me! Stay with me! I’m going to get you out of there!” hes frantic as he looks up and down the halls to find something, anything to get this door to open, anything to smash the window.

He looks to her and her face is growing pale, the smoke is filling the room and the red flashing lights blind him. Her body is growing weak and hitting the window is becoming harder to do, her body is giving out on her. Is the room suffocating her? what kind of room is this? she thinks to herself as her eyes grow heavy. The last thing she see’s is Bellamy before her knee’s give out. She hears his panicked voice call to her and the sounds now simulate the feeling of listening to voices under water. This is what it’s like to lose your hearing, this is what it feels like when you suffocate to death. The loud ringing you hear in your ears, the siren noise she hears, the flashing lights and the sheer panic in Bellamy’s voice. It all sounds echoed now.  
She’s on the floor laying on her side, choking, the smoke fills her lungs and it burns.

 

Is she really going to die here? of all the ways she has escaped death, be it behind the door as they lit fire to the soil beneath the drop ship or escaping mount weather before becoming a test subject. She has escaped death and now she’s giving into it as the air escapes her lungs and Bellamy’s muffled calls to her echo in her mind. At least it’s his voice she will hear last, she thought to herself.

Bellamy’s body burned, his hands bled from hitting the window so hard. He had to do something. He looks down and he can see Clarke almost lifeless on the floor inside the room. He grunts in frustration and panic. He wouldn’t let her die, he can’t let her die, not like this.  
“You might as well have just shoved Aurora out of the air lock yourself, do you think she would be proud of you now?” the words echo through his mind and consume his thought process as the people he lost call to him in muffled screams. He has lost too many, some too soon. This world bred nothing but chaos in his life the moment he landed. His decision to be a leader, his choice, his sister his responsibility, the delinquents, Clarke...

Of all things he had ever done wrong, Clarke was the one thing he got right.

Bellamy turned to the wall next to him and found pipping running up and down the walls. He quickly pressed his hand to it to see if admitted any heat, it being cold to his touch he figures it’s safe to use. He uses all the strength he has to pull on it, ripping it from the wall and off the hinges that held it. A light puff of air admits from the open wound of the pipe and Bellamy gets to work on the window. His knuckles hurt from all his wasted energy on hitting the window with enclosed fists. To him, as everyone knows, when Clarke is in danger, he panics to the third or fourth degree. All logic goes out the window and is no where to be found.

He begins to smash the window, it clanks once, twice, three times. He uses all his left over strength, everything he’s got. His mind focused and his eyes on Clarke.  
It finally smashes and shards of all sizes fly in directions all over. He doesn’t take his arm to shield himself, instead he reaches into the window around the broken cuts of glass still attached, he’s applying pressure and reaching for the doorknob. He doesn’t feel the shards of glass cutting into his skin when he does. His arms bleed as the blades of glass press into his arms once, twice, then three times as he finally gets the doorknob to move. He pulls it open and rushes to Clarke. He drops to his knees hard, pulling her into his arms. He shakes her and his body shakes too. He feels for her pulse as he calls her name, his voice so broken and fearful. He stops and his eyes widen, she’s not breathing.

“Clarke?” he questions, he shakes her as he holds her close in between his legs. He makes haste to lower her to the ground, his mind is running a thousand miles per minute. Of all the things that used to scare Bellamy as a child, none ran a chill quite like this. He pulls open her shirt, ripping it, giving him room to work with. He has to resuscitate her. Her body is so heavy, it’s limp and lifeless - _he’s terrified._

He presses, doing all the exercises he was taught on the Ark. How to revive a person, only this time he was fighting for her life. He breathes air into her lungs and repeats. “Come on, Clarke!” he shouts desperately. Sweat pools at his temples and the creases of his forehead, his curls stick to his forehead. Tears flow like a river onto his cheeks. He wont give up.  
_“Please Clarke, I can’t lose you....I can’t.”_ he pleads.  
With all of his effort, another last ditch, she’s finally breathing and stable again. He slumps down with her in his arms, sobs rack his body to a full. Her body was so cold, so frail and weak and all he could do is shake with her in his arms. His words were hardly audible, he would mumble her name here and there, holding her face in his hands, pushing the curls away, a complete disaster. - That was Bellamy’s life to him, it was disastrous. He couldn’t keep the people in his life safe, he made mistakes that were detrimental to his existence, he can hardly save the woman he loves and here he is, holding Clarke’s body as he’s broken, tears kiss his cheeks and splash onto Clarke’s. He pulls himself and Clarke closer to the wall so he can lean.

Bellamy eventually begins to feel the pain in his arms, but not a care in the world for his own well being came to him. The blood from the cuts on his arms soak the shirt to a point where it sticks to his skin. He refuses to move off the glass below him, the lights above on the ceiling still flash and flicker. This place looks like a complete disaster and after what it did to Clarke he has zero intentions on entering this wing of the house ever again.

He drifts off for a while into his own thoughts. He had to admit that the thoughts he had weren’t pleasant. Lately when he falls asleep next to Clarke, he worries he will wake and she wont be there. The few times he’s stirred in his sleep and she’s gotten up to use the bathroom, he’d find himself almost shooting up to look around in an uncomfortable lean. It was different now, he had Clarke to look after more so than usual. There wasn’t a hundred other people, there wasn’t Arkadia or Skaikru, his sister or the people they considered family. There wasn’t Azgeda nor Trikru, there were no clans. It was like the entire world they once had didn’t exist in the first place. It was just Clarke and Bellamy now. Even though the tension can be high he could hardly muster up a complaint. It was ideal for him and he always lead the idea of having a comfortable and content life. He’s a simplistic kind of man, in fact he never spent much time doing anything on the Ark. He would go to training for his position on the guard, come home and spend time with Octavia. He would read to her or write with her, tell her about his day, only to have the same sad conversation about how she can’t leave the room. He didn’t have much, he never really looked at girls so much as dated one, he was simple, too simple. Maybe that’s why he became a recluse once he landed, no rules and regulations, whatever the hell he wanted.

All of those things were true to their own nature, until he met Clarke.

Bellamy finds himself looking down at Clarke’s resting form, slouched directly into him. His fingers trail into her sunny curls.

Clarke was a hurricane. From just moments after they landed on Earth, she had been a light to those around her. “Stop, the air could be toxic.” - it was all she had to say for Bellamy to know she was a giving human being, someone who cares for others. He would consider that a form of weakness back then, he only had intentions to look after himself and Octavia. She cares too much. She cared too much to let Jasper die, she cared too much to let Wells death go unjustified, she cared too much to let Bellamy sink into his own wrongs.

It was in her nature to care and that being said, it left her vulnerable and Bellamy picked up on this quickly. It was a desirable urge that pulsed through him, it made him want to protect her.  
It was unorthodox and he fought with it for days on end. What would it take for him to forget the blonde who sought to challenge him time and time again? He wasn’t a fan of having his authority challenged and he sought to extinguish that ability in the camp very early on...but not with Clarke. She enthralled him and her gravitational pull left Bellamy sleepless some nights. He would think about her on accident and the likelihood of getting her out of his head became slimmer and slimmer as days went by. The intrigue as it started eventually grew into mild irritation, then to admiration. It’s now to a point where Clarke is a part of him. The hundred, those who were left, are like family to him but his bond with Clarke surpasses even that. He fell uncontrollably in love with Clarke so early on. - For a while he even tried to ignore it but a vast majority of the time his body would move impulsively to protect her. He eventually stopped fighting the urges to back off and now he’s physically incapable of going on without her, that’s why he wrote her name on that list too, he didn’t want to live without her. To face his sins means she had to face hers too. They both had demons and shaken values but if they worked together they could see it through, just like they always did.

Bellamy didn’t know why he couldn’t stop crying. There was something so unsettling about her laying here on him. He figures it’s simply because he almost lost her, again.  
Seeing her body almost lifeless, feeling helpless. That was definitely it. He didn’t know what kind of man he would become if he lost Clarke and he never wanted to find out. The sobs that still shook his body showed just how vulnerable he can be. It was a truth to Bellamy as a whole. Of course his weakness was Octavia, his only sister and all he had left of his family but Clarke was his entire world and sitting here with her, feeling so helpless, he can no longer attempt to deny that now.

Bellamy had done so many unspeakable things and to him, Clarke was the only light left.

This house wouldn’t be able to demonize him further, or at least he hoped. It was suffocating to deal with being in an enclosed space but he did feel some kind of safety here, he knows the feeling of safety came from being next to Clarke. Every night he spent here, he was by her side, the one time he wasn’t they ended up here on this glass covered floor.

Bellamy was startled out of his thoughts when he felt Clarke’s body shift in his arms. His eyes widened in response and his heart raced. A light groan escaped her lips,  
“Clarke?” his voice cracks and his eyes spill more tears.  
She lifts herself with one of her hands to look at him.

“Bellamy?” she says sleepily as she looks around the room.  
“What happened? she asks curiously.

“This gas filled the room and I couldn’t get the door open so I had to break the window...and here we are.” he half laughs for a half smile. One even reaches her lips too.

“You waited for me to wake up?” she presses with the same curiosity.

“Where else would I be?” he replies casually, still smiling.

Her eyes wander his form and find his drenched shirt, soaked with blood from the cut he got on his arm from reaching for the door handle.

“Bellamy you’re bleeding, why didn’t you patch yourself up.” that serious tone returned to her voice and he knew now that she was indeed okay.

He laughs. “more important things.” he tilts his head to gesture to her as she rolls her eyes.

Clarke attempts to lift herself up. “Woah there.” he meets her gracefully as she stands up.

“Speed racer slow down, you still have a sprained ankle.” he says cheekily.

“Let me at least patch you up.” she deadpans and he nods lightly sitting on the medical table behind them. She moves around the room finding gauze and other materials she would need, his eyes watch her at work. It was like nothing had ever happened to her and it amazed him every time.

Standing in front of him, she wasted no time to get to work on his arms. His wound was deep and more than likely filled with all kinds of germs and bacteria. She used sanitary wipes to remove the dried blood and the fresh that followed. Carefully and not missing any spot, she sanitized it well. Taking a moment to analyze she realized he would need stitches. Possibly two, maybe three depending on what she could get done.

“I have to stitch this, the wound is too deep.” she informs him and he nods slightly. “This will hurt.”

She weaves the needle through his skin with precision, making sure to seal it tight. A few moments of silence pass before she speaks. “You really should be more careful.” She takes the gauze and wraps it carefully around his arm, he watches in admiration.

“As I said.” he starts with a smile. “more important things to attend to.”

Her only reply is a smile. - He’s reminded of their conversation from earlier.

“All done” she says quickly.

“That was quick.” he replied with confusion.

“It was like three stitches Bellamy?” she replies sarcastically, he’s caught off guard by the cheeky smile that appeared on her lips. There she is, there’s that Clarke he knows.

They made their way away from the disaster of a room. He helped her walk of course, not missing a step. Even though they weren’t on the best of terms, there wouldn’t be a day where he would refuse to help her.

“I’m going to need to change that bandage every few hours.” she speaks up as they walk together down the hall.

“Okay.” he mumbles as his eyes travel the side of her face.

They make it to her room and Bellamy parts ways with her at the door frame. He took her silence as an indication that she wanted to be alone so he granted that with no issue.

Clarke didn’t want him to go but she couldn’t gather courage to ask him to stay either. After the blow up from earlier she figured he didn’t want to, so staying silent was her answer, be it a stupid one.

She was being ridiculous. He clearly cared and she was just over reacting. She felt her skin boiling in anger towards her own actions. Clarke had always felt like a burden to others so when they do help her, she occasionally, almost always, feels like a burden. She changed out of her dress and pulled on some pajamas, she’ll deal with how she felt later.

Bellamy changed into something more comfortable as well. He let his body give in and he laid on his back, sideways on his bed. He raised his arm high enough so he can see his bandage. It was craftsmanship at it’s finest. Done by her very own hands. Watching her tediously wrap gauze around his hand was fascinating. Seeing the Griffins at work truly was a sight, he could see why Kane was enthralled by Abby. They had differences, both women, but they both worked hard to get things done. A hard working, well rounded woman was a rare find these days, he laughed to himself.

His thoughts go light and Bellamy lets himself give into the soreness.  
His eyes shut heavy and he falls fast asleep.

Clarke figures there isn’t a point to sleeping, not yet at least. She has to change his bandages soon and time passes quickly when she’s lost in thought.

She thinks about a lot of things.

How the situations they had to deal with on the ground seemed minimalistic in comparison to dealing with her feelings.

She had to tell Bellamy how she felt, there was no sense in hiding it, not when they were to spend the next five years together.

She gathered her strength both physically and mentally and prepared.

She was going to tell Bellamy that she loves him.


	7. Not now, not ever.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I need you to know that..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I firstly want to say thank you for all the positivity, I don't have too much to say, just enjoy the chapter!  
> Next one will be spicy. 
> 
> Keep up with my shenanigans here, I post about my work here too. -  
> https://twitter.com/belIamyblake_

This was it, Clarke thought to herself as she readied herself. She subconsciously rolled her ankles and flattened her feet on the ground. It was symbolic because she felt like she could float.

Maybe he was sleeping and she would have to come back later, no she couldn’t, she had to change his bandages. She sighed to herself in irritation, she was trying to find just about any way to avoid the scenario.

It was typical for Clarke to spend time arguing with herself over the inevitable.  
She has to tell Bellamy the truth, even if the truth warranted a response she didn’t want to hear.

Clarke retrieved the small medical kit from her bathroom and paced slowly to Bellamy’s room. Peeking through the door she found him asleep over top of his covers, it’s like he laid down in frustration and eventually gave into sleep. If she wasn’t so paranoid and if her heart wasn’t in her throat, she would find this pleasing to look at. She stood there for a while unmoved.

Maybe it was her nerves or the fact that she didn’t wish to wake him.  
She was reminded of the night she wrote the list and cursed to herself for crying so loud he woke to it. He looked a lot more at peace this time around, since the weight of the world and the peace of twelve clans didn’t rest on their shoulders any longer. - It was so in character for him to refuse to let her deal with any conflict alone. She guessed it was a trait he picked up early in life, given the fact that he had a sibling. Sharing the burden of life is easier than handling it alone, I think he realized that fresh into the first years Octavia had been born. He would always say “My sister, my responsibility.” Clarke’s heard it a few times. It was in character for him to help Clarke, she knows that now more than ever.

Clarke moved quietly to the bed, being careful not to wake him just yet. It became almost like tradition for her to watch him rest. The way his chest rose and fell out of sync, to the way his brows would occasionally furrow, to the sound of him breathing and his curls a constant mess. She loved seeing him at peace. She would curse this house a hundred times over if she was alone, she started to like the house, it brought peace to Bellamy’s soul and she was watching it become healthy for him. He’s broken occasionally by the peace of their surroundings and of course they were both struggling to get used to it but Bellamy radiates how he feels. When he’s upset everyone in his vicinity feels a burning sensation from the rage he could radiate, or when he cries, which is rare but you feel that sorrow. His soul is powerful, as strong as his voice and the very muscles in his body.

Bellamy was like the ancient God’s, Clarke’s father used to read about to her. He was strong and radiated that strength, he did not waver his resolve often to anyone other than Clarke. He encouraged the weak and fought against the damned. There was little he let out, not many knew him other than what he would show. The fearlessness and leadership that he carried with him. He does not break to anyone, not anyone but Clarke. He started off arrogant and smooth. His carelessness and arrogance caused him trouble far often but as he learned to balance everything he carried, he became a strong man, a strong leader to their people. Clarke always wished to have him by her side and now she could.  
She sat on the edge of the bed looking in awe to his features, lost in her own thoughts of the man before her. How much he’s changed, that sleek hair no longer and his clean face adapted to much of a change. It was how much less they slept, it was the weight of the sins they carried. He now had scars, his scars had scars, the bags under his eyes more prominent and the callouses on his fingers pronounced.

Clarke took her hand and gently held his, trailing spirals and circles into his palms. She feels the roughness of his finger tips and the softness of his palms. The contrast and difference between his olive complexion and the paleness of her own, it mixed well, it was beautiful. She was his light and he was hers. They mixed so well, the pureness of that love was warm like the rays of the sun.

She wonders what it would be like if she had met him on the Ark.

It’s true, the Bellamy she loves now is a different man. However it humors her occasionally to think that she could have met him some time, on the rarity. He was from factory so the chances were slim but she remembers him mentioning Shumway, so that means he was associated with the guard in some way. It clues into her just how little she knows of Bellamy Blake. It enthralls her, she wants to know everything about him.

“Hey...” she pulls herself from thought and whispers to him so quietly. He doesn’t respond but his brows furrow she guesses to the sensation of her tickling his exposed palm.

“Bellamy...” she says again ever so softly.

“Bell...I need to change your bandages.” you could hear the contentment in her voice when he groans to the outside noise.

“I didn’t ask for room service.” he speaks softly, it’s almost a groan.

“I need to change your bandages, don’t be a pain.” she deadpans with a slight giggle.

“I like pain.” his eyes flicker open slowly. “nothing like a little pain to remind you that you’re alive.” he smiles sleepily and a light flush rises to her cheeks.

Her lips part slightly and she marvels in his presence. “come on now, the bathroom has better lighting.” she stutters and rises, making her way to his bathroom without a word further.

He rolls over onto his back for a moment, his curls sprawled out, wondering what has her in this mood. She seems different all of the sudden, he figures it might just be his imagination, he did just wake after all.

He then rolls off the bed and stalks slowly to the bathroom, she has the kit already open and the tap running, he slips passed her and her curls tickle his right arm, he sits on the closed toilet seat and watches her prepare the rest of what she needed to, to change his bandage.

No words are exchanged and the thought of earlier's conflict rises to Bellamy and he feels it in his stomach, it could floor him. He’s reminded that he almost lost her and a tight pull yanks at his insides. She’s so gentle, so delicate to watch, the way her fingers move so fluidly, it’s as if she was a spirit. Watching her do what she knows how to do best is a spectacle on it’s own. He thinks that maybe it would be just him, the way he loves everything she does...would it be a right time to tell her now? that was his plan originally, he wonders for a while.

She carefully picks up his wounded arm and her fingers trail over his skin, he watches intently.  
She doesn’t unravel the old bandage right away. - He looks up to her and back to her handwork, he recognizes what she’s doing right away because he finds himself doing it far too often. She’s memorizing his skin, the feeling of it. She’s thinking about what he did to get this wound. He subconsciously did this when wrapping her arm a few months earlier. Her touch leaves him short of breath and he wonders for a moment why she’s doing this. It’s not like she would never touch his body again, even a simple graze here and there. They did sleep in the same room now, she has a hard time dealing with the nightmares when he isn’t there. So why now is she choosing to touch him in such a manner.

It takes her a moment before her finger trails under the bandage and she beings to unravel it from his arm. His heart races and his palms grow soft from heat. The pool in his stomach comes in waves of nervousness and curiosity. He knows she’s thinking about something. The way her brows meet in the center of her forehead, or the way her touch is fleeting. She could be bothered by a number of different things, but somethings different this time and he can’t quite pin point what could be bothering her. On the spectrum of bothersome situations, none of them could bother her quite this much. He’s debating on asking, then comes to the conclusion that she’s probably bothered by what he did to save her, his wound on his arm spoke volumes of desperation and courage.

It wouldn’t be the first time Bellamy has gone this far for Clarke.

As she begins to use the sanitary wipes, that look on her face doesn’t fall. It has to be more than his actions that are bothering her now, he just doesn’t know what. Clarke is a sea of courage and strength, she does not cave unless she’s at a breaking point, which he’s only truly seen maybe once or twice.

Whatever's on her mind, is bothering her to the third degree, he knows Clarke, he feels it.

Clarke takes out the new bandage and calamine lotion for the possible irritation he could have from the bandage, she lathers his wound and begins to wrap intensively as she usually would. Her focus clear to the cut and her patience visible as ever. The healing process is quicker with any wound he’s relieved, when Clarke is the one to handle it. It’s always handled with care and complete accuracy.

She heals him in more ways than one.

Clarke finishes wrapping and pins the fabric of the bandage together with a safety pin. Her hands do not move from his arm once she finishes.

However when they do, they move to his cheeks. He watches them move up to them and almost winces on contact. His head slowly moves up to look at her, and tears kiss the ducts of her eyes.

“Clarke...” he speaks softly, his facial features giving into his tone.

“Before....Priamfaya...” she begins to speak in between muffled cries. - He watches her intently, desperately trying to read her face.

“You wanted to tell me something on the beach. I-I don’t know what...” she pauses for a moment taking a deep breath. “I don’t know what you wanted to say but I know I have something to say.”

His heart is in his throat. - _What could she possibly have to say?_

A ring off the radio is echoed through the house and it’s clearly Raven.

“We should go get that” Bellamy begins to rise and Clarke lightly pushes him down back onto the seat.

“No.” she half demands.

“Clarke it could be serious.” he presses.

“I don’t care...I don’t care this is important.” he hears her pleas and his brows meet in the center of his face. What could be more important than a call from Raven, at this very moment?

“Clarke...it could be about our friends.” he presses again, pushing his luck.

“No I don’t care, I’ve held this in long enough, I can’t do this anymore, I can’t hold this back from you.” her voice cracks and his heart races, thumping over and over, he can hear it in his ears now.

“What is it, Clarke?” he asks curiously though his tone speaks worry.

“I-” she stutters. “I-” his hands find her hips.

“What is it..” he speaks softly. “Clarke...tell me what’s going on with you, you’re acting strange.”

“I need you to know that...I love you.” her voice is elegant and like the wind it knocks him directly in the center of his chest. His heart pounds, he hears white noise, he hears her so clearly amongst all the noise his mind makes. His eyes widen and his fingertips press into her sides. His shoulders tense and he becomes unaware of the world around him.

“It’s okay if you don’t feel the same. I just needed you to know that.” she smiles so sweetly.

He comes back down to earth for a moment only to chuckle under his breath.

“Clarke Griffin, you have no idea.” his tone softens to a degree she’s not familiar with.

“I’ve loved you since the day we landed. I didn’t know then but now looking back, I knew all along. - I love you Clarke Griffin, I always have.” he confesses so clearly and the flushness of her cheeks grow a deep red.

_“Really?”_ she asks curiously

_“Really.”_ he answers sweetly.

Her arms pull his head into her chest and his arms find her back as he leans into her warm embrace. He stands in one smooth motion and lifts her off the ground, swinging her around slowly. His embrace grows stronger and she lets out a little squeak of laughter.

_“God I love you.”_ he mumbles into her golden locks.

“I wish I said this sooner.” she mumbles too.

“Me too.” he smiles so genuinely. Letting her down slowly, his finger tilting her chin up to him and his lips find hers.

The kiss deepens and the world around him disappears once again.

Her tongue dances along the bottom of his lips and he lets out a soft groan as he lifts her up, her legs wrap around his waist. He pushes past the bathroom door, swinging it open away from them. Lost in a deep kiss, the pace between them quickens and his hands find their way up her shirt. Her hands find his neck and her fingers press hard into the sweet spots.

He lays her gently on the bed, his mouth finding the open parts of her stomach and one of his hands not leaving her bare back. Her noises are sweet and her skin almost salty from sweat.  
His tongue trailing in places Clarke has never been kissed before.

_“Bellamy...”_ she whispers a half moan, he makes a noise in response, clearly fixated on the new world he’s discovered. Desperate to discover every inch of Clarke.

“We should go get that radio and respond before Raven has a fit.” she laughs, his nose tickling her stomach.

“True...” he mumbles into her stomach, still kissing. She can feel his hot breath on it and her cheeks flush again.

His hooded eyes look up to her and they are darker than usual.

 

_“but I don’t care...”_ his lips trail from her stomach and in one smooth motion he’s over top of her, one knee between her legs and both his hands on opposite sides of her head.

“There’s a five year time span between me and her wrenches, I’ll fight that battle when the time comes.” he replies sarcastically and smirks that ever so Bellamy smirk. Her hands find their way into his hair and his eyes close slowly in response.

“I’m serious.” she laughs sweetly, her eyes glossy from something very close to pleasure. A lust, a longing for him.

“I know.” he smiles, one of his hands find hers and he kisses her palm.  
\- “Lets go talk to Raven.”

Bellamy lifts her off the bed, aiding her in walking once again, they head to the kitchen where the radio was left.

Clarke notices the mess immediately. The one Bellamy made from earlier and her brow peaks and she looks to him curiously.

His hand comes to the back of his head rubbing subconsciously. “Just don’t ask.”

She laughs suddenly, so purely. “I leave you alone for five minutes.” she replies dryly.

He scoffs under his breath giving her a light pat to her lower back, just above her butt. She flushes at the act.

“Go on.” he mumbles and her eyes don’t leave his face, she turns to him and kisses his cheek.  
She smiles and turns back toward the radio now, walking to it, it goes off again.

_“I swear to God Blake.”_ Raven’s voice of full blown irritation rings loudly and Bellamy sighs.

“Hey, Raven.” Clarke replies half laughing and half out of breath.

“Clarke? there you are I’ve been trying to get ahold of you for the last like thirty minutes, what have you been- never mind, don’t want to know if it’s between you two.” Raven trails off mumbling.

Clarke looks to Bellamy and he smiles and shrugs a bit. “They’ve known how I feel.”

She smiles. “some knew about me too.”

“Hello?” Raven’s voice answers to the quietness.

“We’ve just been exploring, I got locked into a room and the room gassed me? I don’t know what it was but Bellamy saved me, I thought I was going to die.” Clarke’s voice wavers.

Bellamy feels that sensation he felt in his stomach again, the one he’s felt a few times since this has happened. It’s still fresh in his mind - the thought of her lifeless body. It leaves him paining, it leaves him hurting in a way he felt before. The thought of losing Clarke was far more than he could bare.

“That’s actually what I wanted to warn you about. I talked to Becca in my dream last night and she told me that certain rooms in the home were meant for different things. I’m guessing you got one of the test subject rooms. Regardless, any room that looks like that, avoid, she used them for nightblood and sometimes the patients were clinically insane.” Raven finishes firmly.

Clarke’s brows furrow and she looks back to Bellamy. “Why is it that I can’t talk to Becca the way you can, I met her in the City of light but all I see is ALIE, why do you think that is?” Clarke asks curiously.

“I think that because I merged with ALIE in a different way than you did, Becca stuck with me. I can’t quite pin point why but I’ve wondered this myself. When you told me you dreamt of ALIE, I immediately found that strange because it was almost as if your dream was reverse and completely parallel to my own. It’s like you got the ALIE half and I got Becca’s half.” Raven answered as if she had been waiting weeks to speak on this subject.

“Do you think they’ll stop?” Clarke’s tone is worrisome.

“It’s possible, but like Abby said just focus on positive memories and create new ones.” You could hear the happiness in her voice. “I don’t doubt that Bellamy has any problem with that either.”

Clarke smiles to Bellamy and his is already prominent on his face. She presses the button to respond but Bellamy is at her side very quickly., he lifts her up and she squeals.  
“No problems here, wrench queen.”

Clarke was taken aback by Bellamy’s sudden happiness. The sheer joy he radiated caught her off guard, all this time this Bellamy existed in the love he had for her, she just had to say it.

“Jesus it happened didn’t it?” Raven deadpans.

“What did?” Clarke finishes laughing.

“Blake got the balls to tell you how he feels.” she replies sarcastically and Bellamy sighs.

“Don’t sigh Blake, all of Arkadia has known for God knows how long, everyone but Clarke.” Raven laughs and Bellamy doesn’t answer anything more than rolling his eyes in embarrassment.

“What I’m trying to say is it’s gross and I’m happy for you.” Raven says honestly, you could hear the smile on her face.

“Thank you Raven.” Clarke chooses to respond for him.

“I also called to say Monty is doing better, everyone seems to be healing okay. There are some irrational people but they’ve been detained.” Raven confirms what they’ve been waiting to hear about.

“What about you Raven, you and Luna?” Clarke teases.

“Shut up or I’ll come down there.” Raven replies irritably.

“Don’t wait too long.” Bellamy responds casually as if he didn’t do just that.

“What like you? I think we’ve proved where on the balls scale I stand and I think I have a bit more than you.” Raven mocks him.

“Do we need to speak about biology here or can you figure that one out yourself?” Bellamy deadpans.

“Okay okay, that’s enough you two.” Clarke looks to Bellamy, her legs wrapped tightly around his form. “Go get Luna.” her eyes refuse to break the contact with his.

“Gladly, you’re weirding me out with this sudden hur-ah nature, Reyes out.” Raven finishes and the silence of the room ensues where she left it.

Bellamy’s hands come to her cheeks and he pushes a strand of hair out of her face.

His voice becomes weaker than usual and Clarke can tell he’s still upset from earlier when his eyes don’t directly find hers after a while.

“When you weren’t breathing, I felt like I couldn’t. I can’t stop thinking about the thought of losing you, the weight of your body, you were so heavy and lifeless Clarke...I was so worried.” he confesses.

She shakes her head and smiles brokenly. “You wont ever have to feel that way again, because I’m not going anywhere.” her grip around his neck tightens a bit more.

_“Not now, not ever.”_ the smile doesn’t leave her face and little tears pool again.

His arms pull her close into a tight embrace and her legs press tighter around his waist.

“How long until chocolate cake turns into being hung upside down and drained for their blood?” he mumbles into her hair and she chuckles so lightly.

“About as long as it took for me to tell you that I love you.” her laugh tuns into a light giggle.

“I think it took me longer, don’t you? now I won’t stop reminding you. Not now, not ever.” He replies with a low chuckle and tightens his hold on her.

_He wasn’t going to let go,_

_not now._

_and most certainly not ever._


	8. You're enough for me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is rated M.
> 
> “We don’t have to live the normal life you’re worried about. Clarke I’m okay with this, as long as you are.” His hands find hers and his fingers play in between hers. “We don’t have to be anything....pretend to be anything...we can be what we are, Clarke and Bellamy.” He half smiles lazily and her eyes finally meet hers after minutes of watching their hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone.  
> I hope my notes are read, this ones relatively important.  
> I just wanted to apologize for the long time it took to write this. I've had very bad writers block and it's been frustrating. The reason why believe it or not was losing Jasper. Now it wasn't a normal death for me, in fact it brought back so much into my life. I lost someone to suicide in 2015 and I'm still dealing with the loss of him so it's been very difficult for me to find inspiration. Given that Jasper was my first favorite character you can imagine for a second how much this reminded me of what it was like to lose my friend. Unfortunately my grandfather was also put in the hospital so it's been rough in that department too..  
> I'm going to write about ten chapters I believe for this, maybe more depending on how my brainstorming goes for the next little while.  
> If you're not upset and still reading, thank you so much for your patience.  
> Lots of love. xo  
> \- Brooklyn.

Some days pass in between with moments of clarity and happiness.  
Bellamy and Clarke are struggling in attempts to appreciate themselves.

“Bellamy, do you ever think about the fact that we might be the only human beings left on earth right now?” Clarke sit’s across the table sketching as they eat their morning oats. The breakfast that’s become a ritual because Clarke can’t seem to get enough of it, and Bellamy can’t exactly complain. His coffee keeps him awake which allows him to keep up with Clarke’s unusual spurts of happiness. There has been a change in the energy between the two of them and her lightheartedness helps Bellamy temporarily forget the voices in his head.

Bellamy stops moving his spoon in his bowl and looks to Clarke, his face softens, then he speaks softly with only truth in his words. “We are, though.”

Clarke’s eyes finds the food in her bowl despite looking to Bellamy with happiness just moments earlier.

Bellamy finds himself tripping over his own words often and he wishes he could stick his foot in his mouth half the time. He finds it hard to find any solace in the fact that they could be the only two people left on earth.

_Who would want that?_

Bellamy notices the shift in Clarke’s behavior, the little sigh of displeasure forms in her throat and leaves just as soon as it arrives.

“I’m sorry, I really am trying this just isn’t easy for me. I know this isn’t easy for us. You have to understand that even though I’m with you, at the moment I couldn’t be happier but Clarke....you don’t silence all my demons.” he sighs and looks to her sincerely.

It was the raw truth and something she needed to hear. All in all Clarke knows this and it goes as no surprise when he’s honest and doesn’t gloss it over with those rose colored glasses.

“Will I ever be?” she asks softly. “Enough...to silence your demons.”

Bellamy’s eyes widen and his heart races to her sincerity. It’s almost as if Clarke’s become a foreign language to him only to leave him confused and misplaced in his own thoughts.

The words finally reach him. “You have always been enough to me, Clarke.”

She lets out a sincere smile and begins picking at her food again.

After Clarke and Bellamy finally spoke up about their feelings, naturally the dynamic between the two of them had changed, however Bellamy felt more closed off than ever to her and he was having trouble finding out why.

 

The thing about Bellamy is, he fears that everything will shatter to his touch. Just holding Clarke as she slept, the idea of falling asleep meant that his brain can push him to fear the absence when she wakes. When he wakes up and she’s not next to him, his heart races as if he’s run for hours.

The problem is he became so dependent on Clarke.

He couldn’t tell her that he didn’t want to rely on her, he feared it would hurt her. He knows Clarke. She will spend every waking moment making sure everyone is okay but herself. He wants her, he craves her but he knows that deep down they need to slow things down before they become co-dependent on one another to a degree that’s unhealthy.

It was so normal for them to wake and search for the others warmth. It was so normal to look for one another in the crowds of Arkadia, now they look for shelter in one another. He’s okay with that but he wishes he knew how to love himself. He was hoping that loving Clarke and receiving her love would teach him that.

“I’m going to go draw for a while.” her voice wakes him from his thoughts and he nods watching her leave. A pesky thought enters his mind, what if he can’t silence hers?

“Bellamy?” an unfamiliar voice echoes off the radio and it belongs to Bellamy’s close friend, someone he considers like a brother to him, someone who’s been his right hand man almost since they landed.

“Miller” Bellamy speaks into the radio.

“Hows it going man? I’ve been busy helping keep the chaos at bay up here I haven’t had a chance to check on you.” Millers voice is refreshing to Bellamy and he’s truly happy to hear from Miller.

“Things are as good as being stuck on a radiation soaked planet, probably one of the last people on this thing.” Bellamy sighed irritably still hating his thoughts.

“That doesn’t sound good. I saw the house before, it was a sweet set up. How you liking it?” Miller asks curiously, he remembers staying on Becca’s island to aid with the nightblood solution.

“It’s a tomb.” he pauses and hears Miller sigh on the other end. “It’s a tomb and we’re stuck in it.”

“You’re stuck with Clarke at least, if it was anyone else I’m certain you would have lost it by now.” Miller laughs to the truth of his own words, Clarke’s presence was the only thing that kept Bellamy from spiraling out of control.

“Hilarious.” Bellamy deadpans.

“I’m serious though, have you told her you love her yet?” Miller asks curiously.

“Miller” Bellamy replies irritably. In all honesty he didn’t think about how everyone else would react. They hadn’t told anyone anything yet. He had guessed that everyone already knew because according to Murphy it was blatant and obvious of how they felt toward one another but Bellamy wasn’t entirely sure he was ready to let this out to the public yet. He hardly processes it himself, he was still learning the concept of love even though he was buried six feet under in it. He was hopelessly in love with Clarke Griffin and he knew that she shared the same fate. It didn’t stop things from being complicated because now that they knew, it was like new things were added for him to trip over.

He acknowledged his love for Clarke, he spoke about it, he just doesn’t know how to handle it.  
He holds her at night, she keeps the nightmares from becoming too horrendous. He feels her hold tight to his form when she thrashes from fear from her own. It was like their love kept them glued, they were fragile and could break so easily, he didn’t need to add to that, not until they were ready.

He wasn’t going to say a word to anyone. “No.” Bellamy finally replies, preparing for the worst, however what he didn’t expect was the response he got.

“These things take time, I’m just glad she’s there with you, I’m glad Clarke is the one with you. The love she’s had for you is unmeasured.” Miller’s voice is sweet and his response leaves Bellamy feeling a pit of warmth boiling in the depths of his stomach. Her love was obvious and shown from her dedication, the lengths she went to keep him safe.

They were too similar sometimes.

“I’m glad I have her with me too.” Bellamy smiles in response.

“She’s lucky to have you though, you both don’t function properly apart.” Miller replies with humor and Bellamy is puzzled by his words.

“Clarke’s fine without me, she can handle herself.” Bellamy doesn’t exactly know how to respond any other way.

“Whatever you say man. - Anyway, everyone is doing well up here now. People are healing quickly. The survival guilt hits home with some of the grounders and group therapy lessons are being held. Your sister is actually teaching them, it’s a big step for her, she’s become quite the little leader.” Miller smiles and Bellamy hears it and smiles too.

“I take it O’s okay then. She learned a lot from Lincoln, I’m proud of her.” Bellamy hate’s to bring up what he feels guilt toward but Octavia became something so extraordinary with his influence. Bellamy used to say she was playing grounder but he knows now, ever since she won the conclave that she was so much more than that.

“We all learned from Lincoln, just as we learned from you.” Miller try's to lighten the subject.  
“All I did was get people killed.” Bellamy sighs.

“You never gave yourself enough credit. Isn’t it time you forgave yourself Bellamy? I mean come on. It wasn’t just Clarke that saved our asses countless times, it was both of you. Take some credit because it’s due, you kept us all alive right from the beginning.” Miller finishes with a clear and honest voice.

“Even if you were a self serving jack ass in the beginning.” Monty’s voice graces his ears and Bellamy smirks a humored smirk at the thought of who he used to be.

“Monty, nice to hear from you.” Bellamy smiles wide.

“Only came to get Miller and say hello. Jasper needs some help and everyone but Miller is occupied at the moment.” Bellamy could hear movement over the radio.

“How is Jasper.” Bellamy asks almost hesitantly, the last time he had heard about Jasper, he had to say good bye.

“He’s healing. It’s a slow process.” Monty sighs to the thought of his friend. He loved Jasper so much and the healing hurts to watch. He’s recovering slowly and he can’t help but be there no matter what. They would always be together, he would always be by Jasper's side.

“That’s good.” Bellamy mumbles into the radio.

“Looking after Clarke for us?” Monty asks in a curious manner.

“Always.” Bellamy smiles into the speaker. “I’m going to go check on her anyway, I’ll talk with you all later.” Short goodbyes are heard on the other end of the radio and Bellamy slips off his chair and heads to the art room.

He hears humming and to no surprise does he find Clarke completely tangled in her art. However what does shock him, was to find a portrait, not just any portrait but one of him and Clarke. The music she has blaring is unrecognizable and he hates that it is, he wishes his past life carried more musical luxuries, he could have taught Octavia so much.

Clarke taps her brush along the side of the canvas and her head moves to the beat, her body follows it gracefully. Bellamy can’t help but find a smile on his face when he see’s her. He leans on the door frame and for a while he just watches the beauty before him. He had never known Clarke before all of this. Before the chaos and the unholy, before the things that destroyed their lives. He guessed the Clarke he could have met would have been like the one before him. Happy and artistic.

The blessing this house did give him, was that he got to watch Clarke bloom into a different person. From her sins, from their sins, they rise from the ashes of their lives.

Would he still love the Clarke before all of this? he doesn’t doubt that for even a split second.  
Of course he would.

His eyes go from the lose braid at the back of her head to the canvas before her. It amazed him to see her talent. It was so raw and so pure. He wonders if her holding cell was this covered in art too. The tiniest details of him she knows are on this canvas, she even got the freckles right.

“You got my freckles right.” Bellamy speaks softly and Clarke jumps to the sound of his voice.

“Oh Bellamy, yeah I kind of just started to draw and went from there...” her eyes trail away from the youthful and happy couple on the paper.

Bellamy walks and closes the space between them, he leans his chin on her shoulder as she paints. “I hate my freckles, ever since we landed on earth my hair hates gel and my freckles invade my face.” he sighs almost irritably.

“Your curls are my favorite part, as well as your freckles.” Clarke responds confidently as she dabs more onto the painting of him.

“You even got the one that's a bit bigger on my nose.” he smiles into her shoulder placing a kiss on her clavicle.

“The one on the right side, yes.” she confirms smiling, still focused on her art.

“We look really happy...” Bellamy says approvingly, his hand grazing her left side.

“One day, I’ll make you this happy.” Clarke’s voice is full of that determination he recognizes and he sighs at her words.

“Clarke, I told you, you already make me this happy.” He rises from where his head rested and moved to her side to look at her.

Her brows furrowed in concentration and upset and a glimmer met her eyes.

_“Clarke...”_ he repeats.

“No Bellamy.” she sighs. “I don’t make you this happy, not yet, not until you’re okay again will you be this happy. Not until we’re okay again....” she trails off and the brush is now still on the canvas.

Her lower lip quivers and tears form in her eyes. “What if...” she starts brokenly. “What if I can’t ever...what if we can’t ever be happy Bellamy...”

He sighs because he’s had these thoughts too. What if they can’t be happy? what if he’s incapable of being the happy man she wants? what if he can’t ever silence those demons that haunt him when he closes his eyes? Earth made him a man he didn’t recognize.  
“Clarke...” he speaks softly again, preparing his words as he normally would. He kneels down in between her legs now, his face not far from hers, his eyes dancing across her face desperately searching for something, anything, he could say.

“We don’t have to live the normal life you’re worried about. Clarke I’m okay with this, as long as you are.” His hands find hers and his fingers play in between hers. _“We don’t have to be anything....pretend to be anything...we can be what we are, Clarke and Bellamy._ ” He half smiles lazily and her eyes finally meet his after minutes of watching their hands.

_“Just Clarke and Bellamy...”_ she repeats slowly.

“That will always be enough for me.” He confirms with a light nod and his lazy smile makes Clarke’s heart race. Her fingers find his cheekbones and her thumbs graze over them with light sensation.

She nods and smiles brokenly. Bellamy closes the proximity between the two of them and kisses her softly. He feels her still then soften just as quick as she lets his tongue explore her mouth, the kiss deepens further and her fingers get lost in his curls. He rises from where he knelt and lifts Clarke in a smooth motion, the action doesn’t leave any room for them to part for long. His hand danced the bare skin of her legs and those legs were wrapped tightly around his waist. He has one snaked around her form and the other hand blindly searches for a blank space on the wall.

He finds it and presses her hard into it, small gasps escaping her as the fingers in his hair wind tighter. His mouth slips passed her lips, down her cheekbone and to her neck as he plays with the flesh beneath it. Her soft moans echo over the soft music playing and it overloads Bellamy’s senses.

Before he knows it, he’s reaching for the door knob. The heat between the two of them has him more than just distracted so when he moves it’s lazy and unintentionally sloppy. Her hands search his skin and his hands now hold her and snake up the back of her shirt as he wanders the hall with her in his arms. They bump into tables and walls, the passion fills the hallway and it’s loud from gasps and pleasure. Bellamy’s sure he hears Abby off the radio but he could truly care less this time around.

He had never known a woman to be so fierce and graceful all at once. Holding Clarke, exploring her with his hands alone had Bellamy in ruins, the kind where he wants nothing more than her. He knew that the moment he touched her in any way other than traditional body language that it would set him on fire, directly from his soul. He was melting and Clarke was melting into him too.

There isn’t an itinerary and Bellamy only wanders with Clarke to find somewhere to lay her down. The bedrooms are too far so he finds himself wandering toward the library, or so he thinks. He’s too lost in Clarke to tell.

The kisses are heated and full of lust and Clarke’s fingers wind so tightly in his curls that it drives him wild.

They make it to the library but _hardly._

He carries her toward the warmth of the fireplace and scoops the blanket off the back of his couch with his free hand. He lazily tosses it to the floor and cradles her down to meet the floor, hardly letting her go and his body melting into hers as it hits the warmth of the blanket below.

Buried in deep passionate kisses, she rises to meet him as he lifts his shirt off, his fingers tangle in her hair and make their way down her back and slip under her shirt. The warmth of her back setting fire to Bellamy’s core. His fingers play for a second and her bra clips off. His hands move to the sides of her body and toward her breasts. He pulls her onto his lap and lifts her shirt above her head. She wraps her legs around his waist and sits in his lap, gently grinding on his body as his fingers tangle in her blonde curls and his mouth and tongue play at her neck.

Soft moans of his name escape her lips and he pulls her deeper into his arms.  
He holds her as he flips them over to lay over top of her. He stops for a moment as she lays below him and his eyes flicker like they are on fire, the way his core body feels. The illuminated fire dances off his eyes and the darkness inside them make Clarke’s heart flutter to a beat she doesn’t recognize.

The look of lust in his eyes was new to her entirely.

Surely she knew Bellamy had been with another long before her, she knew she wasn’t the first, but the way he looked at her, it erased everything from her past. As he brought his hand to take hers, his other holding him up, he peppered kisses in her palm and down her wrist. She couldn’t help but laugh and that laugh sounded melodic.

_“Bellamy...”_ she said smiling and lightly chuckling to the feeling of his lips tickling her.

“mmm” he mumbles as his eyes close to the sensation of the skin below his lips, every new area his mouth touched.

“That kind of tickles.” she tries to say through laughter.

His eyes wander her body to her face and his hands go back up her shirt to finally lift it off her, it slips through her arms and off her head and after, his eyes don’t leave her face.

_“God, you’re beautiful.”_ he says softly, his eyes not moving from hers.

She flushes and her thumbs play at his freckled kissed cheeks.

“You think?” she asks playfully.

His eyes are challenging. “I know.”  
“Do you want this?” he asks suddenly, a tone of concern in his voice.

_“Bellamy...”_ she replies questioningly.

_“_ I’m serious Clarke...these are things I need to know. I don’t ever want you to do something you don’t want to do.” he says genuinely.

She smiles at this. “I’ve always wanted you.”

It appears that was enough for him because he hardly let her finish speaking before his lips crashed into hers again.

His waist pressed into hers and her legs wrapped around it. Her hands and nails played at his back and soft groans escaped through heated kisses.

The two hungrily explored one anothers bodies. Her hands trailed down his chest to his waist line and she greedily pulled at the buttons on his jeans. He let out a chuckle between their kisses and guided her hand below.

Once he finished guiding her, the feeling of her hand had his senses wild and his pupils blown. He pulled away from her for the moment and pulled her pants down her legs leaving her only in panties.

He hovered over her on his knees and he could see the bruises blooming on the parts of her body he sucked on. He loved marking her and from what he felt on his body, she too shared that pleasure.

It amused him the way they were indeed that similar.

His mouth found itself on her knees and he peppered kisses down her leg to her thigh, gasps from Clarke had Bellamy chuckling deeply.

Her senses flashed like lightning. She had never known feelings this strong. This overwhelming sensation of having Bellamy this close.

The way her hands feel on his skin and the way he feels pressed so heavily into the dips of her body makes her feel like they were meant to be together. As if they were specifically crafted for one another.

His mouth finds her pantie line and his tongue plays underneath the fabric, letting quiet whimpers to leave Clarke. He hooks his fingers into them and pulls them down her legs, leaving them just out of the way.

Her fingers claw through his messy hair and he smirks at her playfully.

 

His tongue plays at her heat and Clarke’s moans get louder the more he finds the right spots to work her. Her body twitches under his control and the feeling of her climax has him buried in guilty pleasures. He never thought he’d enjoy seeing a woman coil so much. The way he worked his fingers inside her, the way she wound so tight, the way she breathed his name.  
There was something about Clarke and Bellamy knew now more than ever that he was never coming back from this love alive.

It would kill him, it would bury him six feet under, before he would let it die.

He loves Clarke and he will love her forever, no returning from this and it’s a fate he accepts with open arms.

She melts as he eases her out and her hands pull on his hair to bring his mouth up to her. She can taste herself on his lips and she hums in pleasure. He smirks wildly and goes for his pants to finally undo them. Clarke reaches for his hand he used on her, pulling it away from his pants and into her mouth. Her tongue plays with his fingers and Bellamy’s eyes go darker than they have ever been. He’s stilled by the gesture and watches her. His eyes so intense and her’s so glimmered and full of lust. She pulls him toward her and she eagerly wraps her legs around his waist again, pressing his form into her. She can feel the hardness beneath them and one of her hands go down to play with him further. Her eyes sparkle with amusement when his eyes clam shut in pleasure as she works him in her hand.

_“You’re going to be the death of me.”_ he breathes.

If he wasn’t so caught up in what she was doing to him she would have heard her chuckle clearly. She wasn’t completely innocent and god he loves it.

He finds her hand and wraps over top of where it sits on him, he finds her entrance and presses into her. Light gasps escape her and he fills her, her insides tighten and her eyes find his as he gently finds a rhythm they’re both comfortable with.

The way she feels, and the way he feels, is like they were set aflame.

The way they were crafted, it was all so clear now.

He’s slow and passionate, making sure to hit every place that drives her wild.

The feeling of her body squirming in pleasure beneath his fingertips, the way her eyes tear with lust. She looks to him lovingly and it makes him lose control.

Bellamy has felt the adrenaline rush through his body, it’s not an unfamiliar sensation to him, however being this connected to Clarke, this close to her, it’s cosmic energy.

The way the tears form in her eyes from lust, makes him drown in them like they are oceans.

The noises she makes are unholy, but when did Bellamy ever believe in a god?  
She was the closest he would ever get to something like heaven.

Somewhere in between his thoughts of past adrenaline, the gods that would never compare, and the love he has for the woman beneath him, he’s pushed over the edge.

He’s breathing heavy and his lips press to her damp forehead, the mix of salt and sweetness of Clarke have him slowly grin to smile.

She feels the smile form on her forehead, his lips wet. “What is it” she breathes.

“Nothing.” he kisses her again. “nothing at all.” It really was nothing, it was a sensory overload for him and he was coming down from that high.

They lay on the carpet, a blanket draped over them. He leans on his elbow and Clarke lays facing him on hers. He pushes a curl back behind her ear and she smiles slowly.

“Hows this for normal?” he asks cheekily.

“I think It’s pretty alright.” she smiles and pokes his nose with her index finger.

“Want to go back to our room, or would you like to lay here instead?” Bellamy asks as he lays on his back and stares at the high ceiling.

She curls into him, half her body molds into his and her fingers play and intertwine with his. The feeling of his calloused finger tips reminding her that he is her home.

“Here’s fine.” she hums.

“Would you tell me a story?” she asks sweetly.

As if he could say no.

_He told her about The walls of Jericho._


	9. Atychiphobia.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While she watches him, she’s reminded of just how perfect he actually is. 
> 
> She only hopes that one day he see’s it too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter nine is here!  
> I want to thank everyone for all the positive messages I got on my Twitter, people wishing my grandfather well. It must have worked because he is out now, he is walking again and he is healing. I will be seeing him this weekend and I am very, VERY excited.  
> I have lots of fics I will be writing over the hiatus so please look for them!  
> Thanks for everything guys. 
> 
> \- Brooklyn. 
> 
> Twitter - https://twitter.com/belIamyblake_

For the first time in his life, Bellamy woke feeling different. A warmth tickled his back, it was the flames from the fireplace. Suddenly, Bellamy remembers where he is. His eyes peel open slowly and he’s greeted porcelain skin. The bareness of Clarke’s back and the sound of her breathing amidst the crackling from the fireplace.

_For once Bellamy felt home._

He thinks back to when they first got here. All of the small things, the little things he was worried about. His inability to forgive himself. His worry. It all seemed to evaporate from his fingers. For now his fingers held Clarke and the calloused tips of them that touched her soft skin found no rhyme or reason to feel anything else.

Bellamy didn’t know forgiveness the way Clarke did. He never really took the time to forgive himself, of course he had no issue forgiving anything Clarke did. It was second nature in him. The thing about being this close to Clarke is simple, Bellamy was finding peace.

The storms were worse today it seemed. He had only been up for a short period of time but the sounds were horrendously loud. Clarke startled awake, her back tensed and she shot up, holding the blanket to her chest in fear.

“Easy, it’s alright.” Bellamy’s hands graze her back and her head shoots to look at him. Within seconds her eyes soften and she feels a lazy, half asleep smile on her face.

“I wish it wouldn’t get so loud sometimes.” she mumbles, rolling onto her side and cuddling close to his chest.

He laughs and wraps his arms around her. “Would you like me to ask it to stop?” he asks sarcastically, looking down at her head.  
She looks up to him with a sinister glare and he laughs harder, poking her nose. “Someone’s grumpy.”

“Forgive me, I forget who I wake up to.” she deadpans and gives in shortly after, laughing at Bellamy’s puzzled almost offended faces he makes to her comment.

“I’ll write that one down too, but you’d never mean that.” he smiles.

“Did you sleep okay?” she asks as she peppers a few kisses on his chest.

No he didn’t, he woke feeling different but Bellamy hardly sleeps. In honesty he’s not okay, he wont tell her that. He doesn’t want to scare her. “yeah, I slept well.” He hates lying to her, he’s hardly ever had a reason to.

He should know he could talk to Clarke, they had been by one another's side for so long that he told her everything, even the things he feared most. Now he’s afraid to tell her that he doesn’t sleep, he’s worried more than anything that she’ll blame herself for it.

Clarke had this bad habit of taking on everything herself, blame included.

She nods slowly and then the sound of a familiar voice is carried down the hall to them. It’s the radio. Bellamy sighs and sits up almost as quick as Clarke does.

“In a hurry princess?” Bellamy laughs at her wrapping the blanket around her body instead of grabbing her clothing.

“It’s probably my mother, it’s been a few days since I talked to her.” she replied quickly heading for the door. Bellamy sighs and lays back down for a moment recalling the night before.  
The feeling of Clarke....God....he shakes his head in attempts to rid himself of the thoughts running a mile a minute. He has a muscle memory of Clarke, he can feel her on his fingertips. He sits up quickly and slips his boxers on rushing for the door to follow Clarke.

When he enters the kitchen she’s already talking with Abby.

“Mom I’m alright” Clarke sighs into the radio. “It’s not like you can do anything from up there.”

“Clarke, Raven should have told me what happened to you. I can’t have you keeping these things from me. I’m worried about you.” Abby voices her concern and Clarke’s irritation is growing fast. Bellamy decides to stay out of this one, he makes them breakfast instead.

_“I have Bellamy.”_ She says softly.

He stops what he’s doing, he felt that. He looks to her and she’s already staring. A small smile at her cheeks, she’s smiling for him. He nods and turns back to what he’s doing. He feels he saved her, but hardly, she almost died that day and if he was any second sooner, he could have lost her.

Bellamy remembers back to the bounty, when she was being hunted. Chills run up and down his spine and he grows angry to the thought of the amount of times Clarke’s been hurt and he’s been incapable of stopping that harm from getting to her. He feels he fails her, regularly. His thoughts overwhelm him so quickly.

“I know you have Bellamy.” Abby says. “I know you do but Clarke you need to be more careful, what if he’s not there to get you in time.”

Bingo, she said exactly what he was thinking and that was enough for him to snap.  
Bellamy walks to Clarke’s side grabbing the radio harder than he realizes from Clarke’s hands, he presses the button and says something he feels he may regret.

_“I get to her quicker than you did, I do every time. I looked after her the moment we landed and where the hell were you? oh that’s right. You were the one who sent her down here to die. I was the one with Clarke, I ran with her in my arms and I got her here alive. Abby I told you in the bunker, no harm will come to Clarke. I’ll be damned if you think otherwise.”_ He snaps and Clarke places her hand on his arm, he looks to her and tears form in his eyes. Brushing off her touch, he leaves the room.

“Mom, I’m okay alright. Bellamy’s had a really hard time, he cut his wrist on the glass trying to save me, I know he’s struggling to live here. Just take it easy. If it weren’t for Bellamy I wouldn’t be here. I fell” Clarke speaks calmly.

All things considering she has no idea how she’s staying calm. She wasn’t angry with Bellamy because the words he spoke were true ones. Her mother did send her down to die, for a while Clarke only felt like she could trust her friends. Bellamy had been the closest to her the entire time she had been on Earth. She didn’t like him at first of course, but he had what it took to be a leader, she knew this and they co-lead ever since. Now, she can’t picture her life without Bellamy. Her mother, should know this.

“Sorry if I upset him, I just worry Clarke, can you understand that?” Abby asks sadly.

“Don’t worry about Bellamy, I got this.” she smiles. “I’ll talk to you later, I promise to check in with you more often.”

Clarke’s words remind her of Bellamy’s, he was always the one to say he’s got this.  
He hardly ever did have it, that’s what humored her.  
“Thank you, Clarke.” Radio silence followed her mothers words.

Clarke put the radio down and hobbled to the bedroom. Her ankle was still very sore and her pace quickened the longer she worried about Bellamy.

“Bell?” She called out to him.  
“Bellamy?”

She entered her room and he was sitting on the edge of the bed, his elbows on his knees and his hands held tight to his hair and his head hung low.

_“Oh Bellamy...”_ she whispered and she quickly crossed the room to him. She placed her hands on his shoulders.

“What is it...” she asked slowly, wondering if she would even get a response from him.

His head slowly tilted upward and his eyes were bloodshot read. “I’m just tired.” Another lie.

Clarke knew there was more to this but prying wasn’t the answer. She knew he wasn’t sleeping right, she felt him toss and turn. To respect him, she waves it passed, accepting it until he’s ready to talk.

“We just got out of bed but, how about we lay down?” she smiles at him.

He nods, no smile graces his face, just an empty stare.

They slide into bed and he lays close to her, hardly touching her. She’s afraid to touch him so she stays distant. She knows that whatever is bothering him, he will have to be ready to talk about. He clearly wasn’t. Whatever had been bothering him has hit a boiling point. Clarke knew how he felt, this house had been driving her in directions she had never felt before. Bellamy shoulders things in a different way than her, in his way he’s reached the point where he just needs to take a while to reestablish himself. It wasn’t like the moment they got here things calmed down either. There is still so much they do not know, so much about this house that worries her. She had almost been killed earlier alone from that room. It’s like their life never stopped going. It never stopped being chaotic, it only had small moments of peace.

Clarke was done trying to figure herself out, all she wanted to do was help Bellamy.

When he’s ready.

She walks to the dresser and picks out some new pajama’s, as much as she would like to walk around naked with just a blanket, she was getting cold.

He lays on his back, staring at the ceiling and Clarke slips under the blankets and lays on her side staring at him, she watches him drift off into sleep. While she watches him, she’s reminded of just how perfect he actually is.

She only hopes that one day he see’s it too.

Bellamy doesn’t dream as often as he used to. The constant nightmare that was his life was enough that it almost no longer invaded his dreams. Tonight was different.  
He figured it had to be his conversation with Abby that did it.

He’s running faster than he has ever run before.  
The forest is green again, it’s so green.  
There is no Praimfaya.  
He doesn’t know where he’s running but his legs carry him forward. He looks down at his arms and swings the rifle on his back up and over his head, holding it in case. He recognizes his jacket is different, it’s the one he wore just shortly after he handed. He was dreaming of who he was when he landed. The self serving part of him that only had good intentions when it came to himself and his sister.

He stops for a moment to catch his breath and when he does the sight of golden hair finds his peripheral vision. A woman he recognizes so quickly as Clarke.. However she’s different this time, the Clarke before him was the woman he met. The one who challenged his authority, the one who stood at his side and believed in him when he couldn’t believe in himself. This is when it all started, he thinks to himself as he finds it hard to breathe.

Her hair is so clean, was she really this blonde? he had noticed her hair changing color as time progressed on the ground. It went from this pure blonde before him to an almost dirty blonde. In truth he liked both. For the moment he hates himself for forgetting just how beautiful she was back then. The way she put her own insecurities to sleep.

“Bellamy?” she questions him as he stares at her, still struggling to find words.

“Hey” he mumbles.

“Have you seen Wells?” she asks curiously, scanning the area around her.

That was a name he hasn’t heard in a while and he is reminded of the events that took place that day. The distraught on Clarke’s face, hanging Murphy, it all seemed like it happened years ago. The Clarke before him was a dream, she was a figment of his imagination, but he couldn’t let her down, he couldn’t see that look on her face again.

“No, but I will help you look for him.” he answers her and she nods, turning to walk away from him, he jogs to meet her and follows along behind her.

It’s quiet for a while.

“Watch your step.” she mumbles as she brushes over the log below her. Her foot catches on a vine and she almost comes crashing down to hit the muddy forest floor, but the thing about the Bellamy he was in this dream is that he’s had so much experience with Clarke now that it becomes second nature to have reflexes for her, he catches her in one smooth motion. With the amount of trouble Clarke gets herself into he had to.

“Walk much.” he teases as he holds her up, she was held tight to his chest.

Her cheeks go flush red and she stutters out a “thank you.”

She slips out of his arms and the feeling of holding her made him smile. The life he lived outside this realm, that Clarke he could hold.

“Do you have any idea where you’re going?” Bellamy asks her, idly watching her back as he trails along behind her.

“I sent him out to collect firewood hours ago, he’s not back yet and I’m worried. It’s not like him at all.” she answers and he can hear the worry in her voice.

He never knew much about Wells, the only things he did know is he was the son of Thelonious Jaha, and he loved Clarke.

Bellamy is reminded of the advice he gave Wells when he was trying to get Clarke’s attention. He laughs to himself wondering why he couldn’t just give himself this pep talk too. Now he trips over his own words any time Clarke looks in his direction.

He’s caught in his own world of thought before he hears Clarke yell all to familiar words. “Run!” he looks on the horizon and the familiar looming of acid fog heads in their direction. His eyes widen and he subconsciously grabs Clarke’s hand, she doesn’t have time to ask about it and he doesn’t much care to answer.

This fog is different from Mount weathers, it moves quicker and he can feel it burning at his neck and the backs of his hands. Clarke shrieks of pain and Bellamy presses on forward a lot quicker. The sounds she was making weren’t new, it sounded a lot like when she hurt her ankle when they were running from Praimfaya.

Thinking back to running on that fateful day, he swoops Clarke into his arms and runs faster. This was all to familiar.

He glances at Clarke who was cradled in his arms, burn marks grew on her cheeks, her eyes flew to the back of her head. Droplets rained from the sky, that all to familiar black rain.

He isn’t sure where he’s running to, the ground below him feels like it’s giving out. As he’s running his foot hits something hard. It halts him and he looks down, it was a vehicle door. It was a buried vehicle, it had to do, they were out of time.  
He takes his jacket off and places it over Clarke as the rain hits his skin, burning his exposed flesh. He pulls at the door, once, twice, and it opens. He quickly grabs Clarke, hops in the car and slams the door. He lays her down on what’s supposed to be the left wall of the car, he tries to ignore his own pain.

_“Clarke...Clarke look at me.”_ her eyes flutter as she cries in pain.  
His eyes widen in realization of what was taking place.  
“Clarke stay with me, please stay with me!” he grabs her face trying to get her attention.

_“Bellamy..”_ she manages to choke out. _“It’s okay._ ”

_“No, no”_ he repeats. _“It’s not okay.”_

_“Maybe”_ she coughs _“maybe Wells found shelter too.”_

He moves her and cradles her in his arms. She’s puzzled by his gesture.

_“Bellamy...why are you being nice to me.”_ she asks immediately.

He lets out a broken laugh. _“cause you and I are going to be great friends.”_ he looks to her and tears slip down his cheeks. The painful realization that she was dying in his arms hit him all at once. The acid fog and the black rain, two nightmares in one combined.

she whimpers in pain, she cries, she holds him closer. _“I thought earth was supposed to be perfect...”_

“Me too.” he mumbles.

His pain is all the more apparent but it takes the back seat in comparison to the way he feels as he holds Clarke. He feels her body giving up and he hopes he wakes up soon. He hopes shes there when he wakes up.

“Looks like you aren’t as much of an ass” she coughs a violent cough. “as I thought you were.”

He lets out another broken laugh. “maybe not.”  
He could tell she was trying to distract herself from the pain so he let her continue.

“Bellamy do you regret coming to Earth?” she asks.

He can tell she’s asking based on what this Clarke new. All she knew was that he came down to Earth to protect Octavia. Judging by the fact that Wells is alive, she doesn’t know what he did to get here yet. For a while Octavia was a handful to deal with on Earth but in all honesty it was learning how to lead the hundred that had been the most daunting task.

The question was directed in the way where he was being asked if he regrets coming to Earth to protect Octavia but he can’t help but think about the time he’s spent with Clarke.

“Not at all.” he smiles at her and she tries to smile back. There is so much this Clarke didn’t know, so much they had gone through that she was only just starting the journey on. This Clarke he dreamt of would never get these memories. Her body gives up on him, he feels it weigh in his hold and he sobs the hardest he has ever sobbed before. He only prays he wakes up soon, he cradles her so close, his lips press to her forehead. This Bellamy he is dreaming of being is a Bellamy of the past, the one that fell in love with her in the first place. He learns tonight that some things cannot be prevented.

Clarke is woken up by Bellamy’s constant thrashing. It startles her awake, she sits up and watches as he grips the bed sheets. This was his first time experiencing the nightmares and she was expecting them. She went over what he did with her and prepared for when he would wake.

However it startled her to find tears slowly trailing down his cheeks.

She brought her hand to his cheek and slowly caressed with the pad of her thumb, hoping to calm him in any sort of way.

_“Please”_ he pleads.

She waits awhile and when he wakes he shoots up from where he once laid, gasping for breath leaning on his palms.

_“hey it’s alright, I’m here.”_ she crosses her legs and faces him reaching out her hand to touch his arm.

_“Bellamy”_ she speaks calmly. _“It’s okay now, I’m here.”_

He looks to her, his eyes blood shot and tears soaked his very cheeks. _“Clarke...”_ it’s almost a question.

She nods. “I’m here.”

He surprises her when he moves to face her. His hands come to her cheeks and his forehead rests against hers. “I thought I lost you.” he mumbles. “The black rain...the acid fog. _I couldn’t...”_ he chokes on his tears. “I couldn’t save you Clarke.”

She shakes her head and repeats all too familiar words. _“You always saved me, Bellamy.”_

Her hands come to his cheeks too and his eyes meet hers. _“Always.”_ she repeats.

She refused to ask but he could tell she wanted to know so he answered. “We were looking for Wells. You sent him out for firewood. We got stuck in between the acid fog and I assume black rain.”  
She closes her eyes and breathes deeply to the thought of the name being mentioned and the terrible memories of the acid fog that killed Atom.

“Wells huh.” she asks sweetly.

“All I could think about is the advice I gave him on how to get your attention.” he lets out a broken laugh through his tears.

“To get my attention?” she questions.

“Where else do you think he got that gun from, princess.” he smiles and she smiles too. The memories of Wells, her childhood best friend. It warmed her heart that Bellamy remembered him, even after everything.

He gently kisses her through the smiles.

Bellamy only prays to never dream a dream like that again. He realizes that his biggest enemy has always been himself.  
The one Clarke has always saved him from is himself.  
His nightmares in the present are on hold for now.

For now he’s living with Clarke, he was breathing the same air as her. He was loving her in ways he never thought he could.  
She was his home.

With Bellamy, however, he believed bad things happen in threes.

It’s only been two.


	10. Stardust.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING:  
> This chapter contains serious themes not meant for everyone.  
> Please read the notes at the end of the chapter.  
> Please.

Clarke dreams for the first time in a while.  
A different kind of dream, this one isn’t full of needless nightmares. This one didn’t have Alie, this one didn’t have Bellamy.

This one had a field full of flowers.

Clarke wakes to a warm summer breeze. Her eyes flicker open and the sun kisses her porcelain skin.  
She sits up slowly and the breeze takes her curls with the wind. She’s wearing a red and white polka dot sundress, small red flats to match. She recognizes it as her favorite childhood outfit and it makes her smile ear to ear. It was a dress her father got for her when she was only six.

She wore it any time she could and Abby had to fight to get her to throw it in the wash.

She smiled at the thought of her family, what it once was, what it is now, what’s left of it. All she has is her mother biologically but she reminds herself that she indeed has more family than she realizes. She has Bellamy who is her heart and home, her friends Raven and Monty, Harper and Jasper, Octavia and Miller, the list goes on. Even Kane is family now. She closes her eyes and her memories drift to her loved ones ever so far away from her.

She lays back down and lets the thoughts of all she loves take her to whimsical places.

“The weather is nice here.” a voice calls out from behind her, she recognizes it.

Her eyes open quickly and she sits up to turn to look behind her.

There stood her father, Jake Griffin.

_“Dad...?”_ she questions in disbelief. She can’t believe her eyes. Her body wills her forward and emotions flood out of her. She cries so hard, she closes the distance and her body collides with her fathers.

_“Clarke...”_ he smiles into her hair and one of his hands find the back of her head. He can hear sweet sobs of joy from his daughter.  
“You’re real! you’re here!” she cheers. “I’ve missed you so much...” she speaks sweetly.

He gently places her down and brushes a curl away from her face.

“I’ve missed you too my little princess.” he smiles so genuinely and Clarke sighs.

“What is it?” he asks.

“Nothing” she smiles again. “Just forgot you called me princess too.”

“Too? who else calls you princess. I’m pretty sure that name is father trade marked, no?” he asks playfully.

Clarke blushes to the thought of a man not too far from her, outside of her dreams, tangled so close to her. “Maybe not anymore.”

“Is it your mom? she always called you peanut.” Jake laughs a laugh that’s music to her ears. The laugh makes tears form in her eyes again.

“Surprisingly no.” she says daringly.

Jake takes Clarke’s hand and sits her down with him, they stare out into the open field together. “Tell me all about it.” he says sweetly in that ever loving father tone.

“Tell you about what?” she plays dumb for the moment.

“The person lucky enough to be allowed to call you princess.” he replies giving her a small poke to her cheek. She smiles wide to just the thought of him alone.

“His name is Bellamy.” she replies and that smile doesn’t waver.

“A boy, I guess it’s a bit late for the talk huh.” he’s playful at the subject.

“A little” she retorts.

“This is the same boy you told me about, months back, if I remember correctly.” Jake replies in a questioning tone.

Clarke completely forgot that she’s seen her father more than just once. The first time she was with Bellamy and they were hopped up on Jobi nuts, she talked to her father about the burden of trying so hard and feeling like a failure. The conversation about forgiving her mother for the horrible decision that she made. How she lost her father in the first place. The second time was when she left Arkadia after the events of Mount Weather, she had been alone for a month and dreamt of him. She told Jake how she feels like she let Bellamy down, that she thinks that she loves him, Jake gave her advice then too, never forget that love.

“That’s the one.” Clarke hums.

“He’s been in your life since you got to earth, you must be very fond of him. Tell me about him, would you?” Jake asks as he plays with a few strands of her hair.

Clarke finds herself more nervous than anything when she talks about Bellamy, mainly because she hardly knows where to start. She finds herself picking at the dandelions and the daisies that littered the grass around them.

“Hes...” she pauses and a smile graces her lips, her cheeks aglow with love. “Bellamy is like the gladiators you used to read to me about. The kind that is strong and brave but loves so deeply. He’s kind of a big history and mythology geek too.”

she laughs and continues.

“We didn’t like each other at first but once we started to understand each other we learned how to lead who was sent to the ground with us. He’s been by my side ever since...he’s brave when I can’t be...he’s been the one person I have always run to - even if sometimes I didn’t deserve it.” she chuckles at her own thoughts. “He’s kept me alive all this time and thrown himself into harms way to do just that; he has these freckles dad.  
They litter his cheeks like the stars you used to show me on the Ark. When he’s brave you feel it, you feel brave too. He empowers people to do better, to be better..he’s.....” she pauses again losing her train of thought just thinking about everything Bellamy is. “You would love him so much dad.” she smiles again.

“My my” he laughs at his daughters almost-speech about this boy Bellamy. “I love him already if he makes your face light up like that.”

She looks to her father and he smiles sadly. “I’m sorry I can’t protect you the way I should be able to.”

_“Dad...”_ she says sadly.

“However it seems he’s got things taken care of, would you tell him thank you for me?” he asks sweetly pushing her hair behind her ear.

“Of course.” she nods and searches for conversation. “Mom’s back up on the Ark.”

“Is that so? what a hell hole.” he laughs and his brows furrow, she hums in agreement.

“I can’t tell what’s worse, being here in this house...or possibly being up in space.” she questions to herself not entirely looking for a reply.

“If you’re with Bellamy I’d say that it has to be okay down here.” he replies happily.

“I do miss my mother though, I miss my friends.” she nods.

“That’s natural, before you know it they will be back. You two will be okay so long as you’re together.” Jake’s voice calms the worst of storms inside her head.

_“Always..”_ she smiles.

With that her dreams fade and her eyes open to find the dim light of the bedroom. Her hand trails across the bed over to where Bellamy lays and she finds it cold.  
“Bell?” she calls out - no response. “Bellamy?” she asks again this time more worried.

“Bellamy!” she calls again. She hears his footsteps walking toward the door and she sighs in relief.

He appears at the doorway with the radio in his hands, the color is drained from his face and the smile she had to greet him fades.

_“What is it...Bellamy what’s wrong.”_ she demands immediately.

His jaw clenches and his eyes close tight to her voice, he takes a deep - needed breath.

_“Something...”_ he pauses and his eyes peel open. _“something happened...”_

_“Bellamy please, what’s wrong...you’re scaring me.”_ she pleads, she gets up and stands across from him.

_“It’s....it’s Jasper...he...”_ Bellamy looks to her and winces.

_“No...”_ she mumbles. _“no...please no.”_ she breaks. _“It can’t be....you’re lying no....”_

He puts the radio down on the desk and walks toward her slowly.

He can visibly see her trembling. _“you’re lying...”_ she repeats and sobs rack her body. A cold chill fills his own and he almost regrets for the moment, telling her this.

_“He’s not...he can’t be....no, no.”_ she repeats the same words over and over and her knees give out.  
She’s on the floor now, she chokes back screams. Bellamy is down on the floor as fast as she is.

He holds her as she trembles, her fists curl and hit his chest, she has no energy to make a proper fist. “He’s gone....he’s gone....” she cries into his chest. He has her held between his legs, he leans against the bed frame. The sound of her crying was enough to break him, he holds a hand at the back of her head while she thrashes aimlessly. “I could have done something!” she chokes on her sobs.

_“I could have said something...I could have saved him!”_ she cries so loud it makes Bellamy wince.

He wishes there was something he could say, anything, to make this better. Monty told him that he was doing well. When he woke to make them coffee he didn’t expect this call, the call to change their lives forever. Jasper hadn’t been the same since Mount Weather. Bellamy was aware of this. He was also aware of what everything on the ground had done to Jasper, everything had changed him from the happy spirit he was to the man he became. Abby called it Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and of course depression to follow it, only making Jasper even worse. The nights Bellamy remembers bringing Jasper in from a drunken stupor, the nights he would find him under tables.

He remembers it all.

He had faith in Jasper, even more so when Monty told him that things were looking up.

He got the call, it was Monty.

Monty’s words were simple. _“he’s gone.”_ It was enough to make Bellamy understand what was happening. “He wrote a letter...it was addressed to me but some of it to Clarke.” Monty pauses and Bellamy’s breath is caught in his throat. “Mostly just saying how he forgives her and he loves her., he told us not to blame ourselves....” he stutters and Bellamy’s only reply is an “Okay.”

That was it, he knew what he had to do. It didn’t make any cold step on the floor easier, the closer he made his way to Clarke...the worse it got.

He knew she’d blame herself. - For not being there, anything.

_“Clarke...”_ he tries to speak slowly and hold her tight, her thrashing only made it worse. Her sobs echoed the room, louder than he ever imagined.

_“If I was there...”_ she says brokenly. _“maybe I could have saved him...”_ Jasper was set on his choices, there wasn’t anything she could do. Bellamy fears that he had been planning it for some time.

_“Clarke...”_ he repeats pressing kisses to the top of her head, his tears drop and hit her skin. She looks up to him and her hands come to his cheeks. “Bell...” she says slowly.

Chaos always surrounded them but there was something about Clarke, no matter the situation, she could pull a smile, be it a broken one, out of thin air and onto his face.

She doesn’t smile back and her lower mouth quivers. - He hates that. He hates seeing her cry.

He repeats all to familiar words once spoken to him. _“you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.”_

She shakes her head in response. _“I could have....if I was a better friend...I should have called I should have-”_ she breaks again.

_“We all could have done more...Clarke...”_ he replies through his own tears.

_“He’s gone...”_ she chokes.

_“He’s gone....”_ she repeats and he cradles her and attempts to rock her in a soothing motion.

It’s not like they had plans or anywhere to be. No army to stop, no land to protect. A small little piece of heaven on an Earth a lot like hell.

It’s silent for a long time and they sit there for hours. Visions of their friend dancing between them.

_“Clarke....”_ Bellamy finally says softly, pulling hair away from her face to look down at her.

She only looks at him, that sparkle gone - _again._

“He loved you very much, he forgives you, okay?” he says sadly

“How do you know....Jasper hated me...he” she goes silent.

“He left a note, Monty told me. I don’t know much...I just know that.” Bellamy replies now leaning his head back.

“I remember...” she starts to speak. “when we first landed....we went to search for Mount Weather. We took Octavia too, remember?” she asks and he nods.

“Jasper tried to impress her by going first across the river, I remember his voice like it was yesterday.” she smiles a broken smile.

“He saved her too didn’t he?” Bellamy questions.

“Yes he did.” she says quietly.

“He was braver than me.” Bellamy says confidently and Clarke lets out a broken laugh.

There’s a pause before Clarke speaks. “Take me to the garden?” she asks, he looks to her in surprise that she wanted to do anything.

He nods slowly and lifts them both up from the floor. He places her down. “I’m going to change, wear something nice?” she asks heading toward her dresser.

“Why?” he questions.

“Just do it please.” he could hardly say no to her broken voice.

He leaves the room to find something “nice” to wear for whatever she had planned. He guessed something simplistic for Jasper, a small funeral of sorts.

It was in Clarke’s nature to search for positivity even if she was having a hard time finding it alone. He meets her in the hall and she’s wearing a small white dress, it looked to be some kind of sundress and she was glowing the way she usually did. - Something he would never tire of.

“You look beautiful...” he mumbles sweetly to her, she places her hand on his chest, desiring that warmth he brings to her. He takes the few steps forward and kisses her forehead. He hooks his arm around hers and they walk slowly to the garden.  
No words exchanged, just a slow and steady pace for the two of them. Need no rush.

The doors to the garden open and the smell floods their senses. That fresh smell that wasn’t considered familiar any longer. She walks slowly across the cobblestone floor toward the bridge. She doesn’t cross it, instead she walks to the side of the bridge that has a small path to the little river below. She picks an assortment of flowers feeling almost guilty for taking that life, but she felt she needed to do this. She kneels down along the small riverbank and Bellamy is now behind her, watching her carefully. His brows almost furrow in confusion.

The thing about Clarke is she always caught him off guard. She hardly ever did the same thing twice. This was new. He watched her slowly pick petals, she hummed a familiar tune. It’s that same tune she hummed when she....he recognizes it. Atom...when they lost Atom she hummed this too.

He almost wanted to laugh to himself. Maybe he had been around her so much that her surprises weren’t becoming all that surprising anymore. Her ways were becoming natural to him.

_“In peace may you leave the shore.”_ she speaks slowly and begins to cry, it wakes Bellamy from his thoughts.

He hesitates and then his body wills him to help her speak. _“In love may you find the next.”_ he continues for her and she turns to look at him, she smiles sadly.

_“Safe passage on your travels...”_ she speaks slowly and he can hear her cries.

_“Until our final journey...to the ground.”_ it takes all of his energy not to cry again but the tears come naturally.

_“May we meet again....”_ she cries and plucks petals one by one. Bellamy moves to sit by her side, he picks up a flower and joins her, she continues to hum and to her surprise this time...he hums too.

_Third_ \- he thought to himself. This was the third thing he expected.

There was something so brokenly beautiful about Clarke in this very moment.

Bellamy was completely captivated by her when they lost Atom. His pressure on her to make hard choices, she only further proved him wrong that day. Now here she was sending another person she loved off, it became almost a norm to her.

He hates that - he wants her to live in peace. This house was supposed to be a break and now Bellamy see’s just how impossible peace was to obtain.

“You think too loud..” she mumbles and it catches him off guard, he laughs lowly.

“is that so?” he asks smiling to her.

“What is it? what’s on your mind?” she looks to him.

“I was just thinking about potential peace for us.” he replies without thinking.

The word us sits well with Clarke and it warms her heart. - us.

“One day...maybe...” she says sadly.

“Together...right?” he asks knowing the answer.

“Together.” she replies. He watches her place petals in the water, they follow the stream and he watches every single one flow.

“I saw my father...” she catches him off guard again with the sudden want to speak.

He listens contently to the sweet sound of her voice. “I told him about you..” Bellamy’s hand trails down her back now. She shivers to his touch.

“All good things I hope.” he laughs nervously.

“Just that you’re one big nerd.” she’s playful with her words and he pouts.

“Hey” he mumbles irritably.

“That you call me princess too..” she continues.

“Too?” he questions. “That’s breaking a father boundary.”

“That’s what he said but he didn’t mind once I told him how wonderful you are...” she says sweetly and he smiles to her words, his cheeks flush.

“He told me to thank you for looking after me.” she finishes and she looks to him again, awaiting his response. His eyes widen to her words, he’s honored.

He can only nod for a moment before he lets out a simple word. “Always...”

She reaches over to run her fingers through his hair and he hums in contentment, his eyes close and he smiles slowly.

“I was thinking of a name I could use to describe your freckles.” she talks for a moment and he hums in question.

“Stardust.” she lets out and his eyes open slowly.

“Stardust.” he repeats.

“I think that’s best suited.” she replies.

“Stardust is a lot nicer to look at.” he mumbles bashfully.

“I beg to differ.” she remarks and he smiles a lazy smile.

“So long as you like it.” he replies sweetly.

She puts the last of the petals in the water and carries on humming.

Both tragic and beautiful, this woman to be the death of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who don't know me personally I lost someone to suicide. I did mention this in previous chapter notes.  
> This chapter I wrote in dedication to who I lost. Almost word for word this chapter is written from my own life events.  
> What took place when I lost my friend, William.  
> In honor of him and the fact that I truly believe that the writers did no justice to Jasper, I wrote this. Please do not leave me hate on this chapter. I poured my heart into this and it was something I felt I had to do.  
> I miss you more than words can say, this ones for you. xx


	11. The kings dear lion heart.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy isn’t a caged soul, he wasn’t meant to live cooped up in a house like this. He blames his free spirit, she blames his inability to sit still - maybe they were the same thing. 
> 
> A love that bloomed and burned like fire in a dry field.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluffy chapter for you all. 
> 
> Keep up with my shenanigans here.  
> https://twitter.com/belIamyblake_

**SIX MONTHS LATER.**

“Bellamy! Octavia is on the radio, she has news!” Clarke calls out to Bellamy from the kitchen. She can hear him padding down the hall as soon as his sisters name is mentioned.

“Tell him if he doesn’t hurry up, I’ll come down there myself.” Octavia warns playfully and Clarke laughs to that all to familiar banter.

“What is it? is she okay?” he’s out of breath as he enters the kitchen.

“I’m fine, it’s all good news I promise.” Octavia’s smile could be heard through the static.

Bellamy joins at Clarke’s side and places a loving hand on her shoulder.

“So what is it O?” he asks casually as if he didn’t just run a mini-marathon.

“Harper's pregnant!” Raven bursts on the phone and you can hear Octavia’s whines over the laughter and cheering.

“I wanted to be the one to tell them!” Octavia cries out in anger.

“I’m sorry you were taking too long!” Raven laughs and you can practically hear Octavia’s pout.

Clarke can feel Bellamy’s fingers tense around her shoulders, her brows furrow and she looks to him with a soft expression. His eyes find everywhere else to look but her.

“It’s true, it’s a little too early to tell the gender yet, but she’s healthy.” Monty’s voice shows through the bickering of the women.

“I’m really happy for you both Monty.” Clarke’s voice is full of love and admiration.

They never thought anyone would be looking at the idea of children. They were sent down to Earth in hopes to one day repopulate, but it never felt like that day would come. Now the first of the Delinquents, were to have a child. This would change so much for what was left of the human race. Harper is the first pregnant woman on the Ark. The first pregnant woman since long before Praimfaya.

“Have you decided on names?” Clarke asks curiously.

“We had a few ideas.” Harper's voice graces them now too. “We were thinking of Jasper if it’s a boy.” She pauses and sighs, Clarke goes weak to the thought of her friend and she can feel Bellamy’s hand tighten more. “To honor him.”

“And a girl, we were thinking Hannah, after my mother.” Monty finishes Harper's sentence.

Clarke looks to Bellamy and he only looks empty, his fingers press harder and harder before Clarke snaps. “Bellamy? that hurts.”

He shakes out of the hold his thoughts have him in and he pulls his hand away quickly. “sorry” he mumbles and Clarke only looks all the more confused by his actions. She turns back to the radio and continues the conversation. Bellamy wanders off out of the room quietly.

“Those are lovely names.” Clarke’s voice comes off sad and those on the other end of the radio pick up on it rather quickly.

“Everything okay with you, Clarke?” Octavia is the one to ask and Clarke is taken aback by her worry.

Octavia and Clarke had a complicated relationship. - The kind where they would do just about anything to save one another but their opinions often left them on opposite sides of the fence.  
However it was loving, they looked after one another like family. It was more than funny to her now, considering they technically were.

“Yeah..” Clarke manages. “why?”

“You’re a lot of things Clarke, but you aren’t a very good liar.” Octavia is playful and tries to cheer Clarke up with what would normally get her to muster up a smile.

Clarke is quiet and attempts to figure out what to say.

“Trouble in paradise?” Octavia asks curiously and Clarke gapes.

“no.” she stutters - at least she thinks there isn’t, but Bellamy is acting awfully strange today.

The last few months have been ones of a fairy tale. Something in Bellamy’s aura changed. She doesn’t know when it happened or how quick, but Bellamy Blake was happy again. She had to guess it was from all the love they’ve been sharing. Both on such an intimate level, but not only physically, emotionally too.

After losing Jasper it was very difficult for them to start again.

A vicious cycle of repetition. Death would loom upon them and sweep them directly from under their feet. They would wonder when something would happen next.  
The next never came after all.  
They began to develop a peaceful routine.

That didn’t always ease the nightmares but slowly, they started to dissipate, as did their problems. Peace for once, was a topic of interest, one they could actually talk about.

Clarke healed well and slowly guided Bellamy out of his own darkness. The only thing that made him upset was his need to wear glasses a bit more often now than usual. He curses the radiation and he still curses the house.

Bellamy isn’t a caged soul, he wasn’t meant to live cooped up in a house like this. He blames his free spirit, she blames his inability to sit still - maybe they were the same thing.

_A love that bloomed and burned like fire in a dry field._

He would tell her stories of times where she wasn’t with him. Times where he thought she was brave and beautiful, times where she took his breath away.

Bellamy got into this habit. When he wanted Clarke, he hardly ever took her to the bedroom.

It was always in front of the fireplace.

He said it was something to do with the fact that it’s where he first felt at home with her. When she read to him and he read to her. It was the start of him feeling that glimmer of hope. It was the first place he made love to her. It was a foundation.

She would paint and he would read.  
Even sometimes they would have aggressive chess matches. - You could imagine how that went.  
Clarke quickly learned that he loved to get her fired up. - You could also guess why.  
This house was finally bringing peace of mind to the both of them.  
However Bellamy woke today far different than his usual days.

Today he wasn’t all there and Clarke couldn’t quite figure out why.

“Has my brother even told you how he feels yet?” Octavia pulls Clarke from her train of thought.

The thing about this question was simple: they didn’t tell anyone yet. It was a wild guess she presumed, she heard one time in Arkadia when she was unloading baskets of fruit, that people had a bet on how long it would be until the two of them got together, so it would really come off as no surprise to anyone. Specially since they’ve been locked in a home together, unable to avoid one another any longer. Clarke however, enjoyed the privacy of their love. She debated for a moment on if now was the time to tell them, to tell their loved ones.

“What?” Clarke plays dumb.

“You’re both pretty moronic.” Octavia retorts.

Clarke sighs at Octavia’s words, wondering if what she was about to do would cause an argument with the newly upset Bellamy. There wasn’t anything wrong with them knowing, she thought to herself. It’s not like things would be any less private.

What would her mother think. - She shakes that one off too.

“Moronic because?” Clarke asks cheekily in attempts to dodge the question.

“If there’s something going on and you aren’t telling me I will come down there.” Octavia presses.

“Yes and you’ll kick our ass, we get it.” Bellamy returns to the room and reply’s to Octavia with smooth sarcasm. It startles Clarke almost completely out of her seat when she hears his voice, he’s got a towel swung over his shoulder and another wrapped around his waist. Still soaking wet from his shower.

That’s where he went, she thought to herself. Her eyes dance over his body, she forces herself not to touch him and he smirks at her. He had caught her staring and waved in her zoned out face, she laughed and flushed.

“You’re both gross.” Octavia can hear Clarke’s little bits of laughter.

“the cute kind.” Bellamy replies cheekily.

“This is getting weird, I’ll call later.” Octavia finishes quickly and all they can hear is radio silence.

“You okay?” Clarke asks quickly and her eyes find his.

“I’m sorry, I should’ve...never mind.” He sighs and kneels down in front of her. Clarke’s hands find the dampness of his curls while she plays with the wet strands. His eyes close in contentment. The sensation of her touch nothing less than overwhelming.

“The topic of children is very...off putting to me.” he looks to her for a response and her brows furrow.

“Is it because of Octavia?” she asks curiously, remembering that Bellamy helped raise her.

“Yes. - I never thought many of us would actually want to have children, not yet at least.” Bellamy responds almost casually, the hint of worry in his tone is noted and Clarke can’t help but pry a little further into this conversation. This had to be the first time she’s ever heard the word “children.” in this context out of Bellamy’s mouth. It makes her wonder of her own future...with Bellamy.

“Raven and I had a small bet going on that those two would be the first out of all of us to conceive, so I guessed this was coming.” Clarke smiles confidently.

Bellamy almost chokes and Clarke frowns at him.

“These things happen Bell..” she tries a reasoning tone and feels a feeling almost like anger boil in her lower stomach.

He makes a noise of acknowledgement and stands, he pads off to the bedroom and Clarke follows along behind him. She stops him in the hallway, pulling on his hand.

“Would you tell me what’s bothering you?” she demands.

_“Clarke....”_ he turns to her slowly. It almost overwhelms her the way he towers over her, the warmth of his body so close she can feel the late heat of his shower. His hands find the sides of her face, his thumbs caress her cheeks.

Her eyes glimmer with a love he’s now familiar with.

“What is it Bellamy...I need to know what’s on your mind.” He sighs kisses her forehead.

“I worry about you, that’s all.” he says softly.

“Why.” she asks.

“Let me tell you a story.” he takes her hand and leads her to the bedroom. She finds herself wandering toward the bed and he follows shortly after with a fresh pair of boxers.

He leans against the bed frame and crosses his legs, he pulls Clarke into his lap.

“Story time” she says playfully and his eyes smile for him as he brushes her hair off her shoulder.  
“When I was still a boy, I helped deliver Octavia.” he started and Clarke settled in his lap once words left his mouth. Bellamy wasn’t always open about his past but when he was, Clarke could only listen, praying she doesn’t miss a detail.

“The months leading up to it I practiced with my mother, we prepared for it. I knew I wasn’t allowed to have a sibling and I was worried my mother would be taken away from me. I always had this constant fear of death, it loomed over my life. The days passed on and it felt like an eternity. Once my mother went into labor it was like I forgot everything I knew, everything she taught me. My mind went blank. I was so afraid I might hurt her, or worse, hurt the baby.” Clarke’s fingers dance along his skin as he talks, it eases him into words.

“She taught me all I needed to know and I felt like I failed her. I was so afraid. I had to be strong for my mother and I had to help her. I did all I could given my age. When my mother passed out after Octavia was born, I felt so useless. I held O in my arms and she was so helpless, so small and perfect.” he hums in contentment to Clarke’s touch.

“That’s very brave of you Bellamy, your mother must have been so proud of you.” Clarke smiles genuinely.

Bellamy stills to her words for a moment and looks to her. “I’m afraid” he manages.

_“Bellamy....”_ she mumbles.

_“I’m afraid that if you, if we...”_ he winces.

_“Bellamy...it’s okay.”_ she tries a reassuring approach.

His fingertips press into her sides and he tenses. “If something were to happen to you, if you were to want a child...what if something happened to you? what if I freeze again.”

Clarke chuckles lightly and it catches Bellamy off guard. _“Dilly dally, shilly shally.”_ she mumbles and she kisses his cheek, his brows furrow.

“What” the puzzled look on his face is Kodak.

_“Dilly dally, shilly shally.”_ she repeats, his look doesn’t waver.

She laughs now, a cheerful glow to such a dark topic. It amused her when Bellamy worried this way.  
_“We, us.”_ she gestures to the both of them. “We will be okay.”

He grunts in frustration. “Clarke for God sakes, I’m worried about you, not me.”

“Yes and Bellamy, I will be fine when that time comes, okay?” she reassures.

_When._ \- Those words hit them and it seems in uni-cent that they come to the realization of the topic. Small flush stains kiss both of their cheeks and Clarke presses her forehead to Bellamy’s.

Laughter erupts from Bellamy’s chest, it seemingly comes from no where and his laugh is contagious enough that she does too.

“You worry too much.” she manages.

“To be fair, you’re someone worth worrying about. In fact I haven’t stopped since we got to Earth.” he’s playful and he presses light kisses to her cheeks.

“Miller called it Clarke radar.” Clarke chuckles to the thought.

“That would be the best way to describe it.” Bellamy agrees.

A light pause between the two of them.

“Let’s take a bath.” Bellamy gives her a light tap to her leg, a gesture for her to get up.

“Bellamy...you just showered.” Clarke deadpans.

“Okay, and?” his lips find her shoulder and she smiles, he gives her a light tap on the butt. “Go run the water.”  
She slips off his lap and walks to the bathroom.  
He hears the bath run before he sighs to himself. It didn’t matter how much she tried to reassure him, he was worried. The concept of a baby, worried him. The possibility that she could want one some day, worried him. The fact that he doesn’t know the first thing about how to be a father of course, worried him.

He’s afraid more than anything that he’ll lose Clarke. This house wasn’t a lucky one. Bellamy wasn’t a lucky one.

“Everything that’s gone wrong, is because of you.” His sisters distant voice, his memory of those words. They speak truly to him. He feels like everything he touches, he can break just as easy.

_“Bell...”_ she calls him from his thoughts. His eyes trial from the floor to her. The way her curves sit in that white towel, the way she calls him Bell, it makes his insides coil.

His body wills forward and his hands find the sides of her face, he kisses her hard.

“Bell” she manages, all but a mumble.

He picks her up and her legs wrap around his torso, the kisses deepen the longer they explore one another. He presses her against the wall, he takes both of her hands and pins them above her.

_“Bellamy...”_ she mumbles again as his lips trail down her cheek and his tongue plays at her neck.

“The bath will get cold.” she practically moans her words out.

He doesn’t speak, instead he kisses her again, carrying her to the bathroom. She moans into his mouth when his hands find her breasts. The friction of the towel leaving her feeling the sensations, they tingle down her body.

He sits her on the sink and parts her legs, standing in between them.

She doesn’t know what comes over her.

She grabs at the waistline of his boxers, he chuckles darkly and lets her pull at them, they don’t even make it down his legs.

She pulls him closer with the strength of her thighs, they feel like a vice grip. She slides the closest she can to the edge of the sink.

“Make love to me.” she demands, completely out of breath and through rough kisses. He lets go of the kiss and his eyes meet hers, they challenge one another's stare. It was so in their nature to challenge one another, even at times like this. His eyes are so dark and powerful, she wants nothing but him.

He hums in amusement and a grin meets his face.

Her legs tighten again.

His thumb finds her sore, very red lips, her tongue chases it and he chuckles.

_“Brave Princess.”_ he challenges.

Clarke laughs. “You were a pain then too.”

He had her right there, and hand prints were left on her left ass cheek.  
He indeed was a pain in the ass, a tingly one at that.  
The bath was cold as she said it would be. Clarke called it karma for him being a tease.

She may have pushed him in the bathtub, he may have dragged her with him.

Either way, nothing was getting done that night.


	12. Mother of the sun, moon and dawn.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oh woman of the sea, challenge me to be good, challenge me to be better. For I am not the man you seek, I am rough and riddled. I call to you in hopes you will show me light, for I am not the man you seek, I am not the man you seek.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've mapped out the rest of this story and I believe we will be getting twenty chapters, possibly even more out of it depending on how far I wish to take it. Thanks for reading and keeping up with me.
> 
> Keep up with my shenanigans here. -  
> https://twitter.com/belIamyblake_

Clarke has another dream and for once she wakes with that all too familiar breeze and breathes heavily, mostly an exhale in irritation and hardly any contentment. “I’m tired of having dreams.” she sighs.

“If you didn’t have dreams, you wouldn’t see your loved ones.” a female voice practically sings behind her.

She shoots up from the grass and turns to look in the direction the voice calls to her and she see’s that red dress. _That goddamn red dress._

 

_“Oh wonderful, not even good company.”_ Clarke spits.

“I have something to show you.” Alie speaks in that tone that makes Clarke cringe.

 

“Now why should I even bother when I could just wait here for myself to wake up.” Clarke retorts.

 

“Because that’s not how dreams work and you know that.” Alie replies smoothly and Clarke complies with no words. She rises to her feet and sighs following along behind the red dressed figure.

 

They duck through trees and common forest obstacles. She can hear the rush of water. _A water fall?_

 

After a few moments they enter a small clearing and in that clearing a cabin sat next to a waterfall. It was something out of a fairy tale and the sound of the waterfall was almost poetic. The environment she was in felt soothing. The cabin had a fireplace and the curls of the smoke reached and evaporated. _This was somebody's home._

 

“You wanted to show me a cabin?” Clarke asks sarcastically.

“Go in, Clarke.”

 

She complies again but this time hesitantly. She wanders toward the cabin and the smell of something other than firewood hits her senses, it’s fruity and delightful. She counts _one, two, three_ , before she reaches the front door of the cabin.

 

The door handle is cold beneath her fingertips and she worries what could be beyond this door. With Alie it could be anything and she could hardly understand why she was interested in following orders. For some strange reason, Clarke felt this dream meant no harm. It was something she felt inside.

 

A twist of the doorknob, she enters the cabin.

 

It’s so wonderfully comfortable. It’s soothing warmth rushes to her senses, _that smell_ so familiar yet so new.

 

Her eyes wander the room before her. It was a tiny cabin, looked to be made for a small family. A wool rug and a two seater couch sit by a fireplace, the kitchen attached in the same room. All made from wood except the walls of the kitchen and the lit fireplace. Frames of artwork hung on different parts of the walls, she recognizes them, _they are hers_ , this is her art. They were old paintings she did back on the ark.

She thought that maybe Alie was trying to show her something to do with her parents.

“Thea! Come get washed up for dinner!” _that voice._

 

The door swings open violently and in the frame sits a small girl, completely out of breath.

 

She had dark brown hair, it was curly. Her eyes a gorgeous hazel and freckles she _recognized._ The girl doesn’t react to Clarke, she breezes by her.

 

_Can she see me?_

 

She follows the figure with her eyes across the room, she pulls out a small floral step stool and begins to wash her hands in the sink. She hears heavy footsteps come up the stairs and right in front of her stand her entire world.

 

_Bellamy._

 

His curls are a complete mess and his freckles are much the same. He has oil and dirt on his face, a red plaid shirt and blue jeans, also covered in that dirt and oil mixture.

 

He doesn’t see her but his smile is so vibrant.

 

“Thea, careful on the stool.” He breezes past her as well.

“Mom taught me, it’s fine.” she snips at him and he laughs. He comes up beside her and smothers her left cheek with kisses, the giggle that escapes her is intoxicating.

“My brave little princess.” he smiles and walks over to the oven. Taking the gloves that hung alongside it, he opens it, pulling out a tray of what looked to be some kind of pie, and another tray with some kind of pasta dish.

“Hey dad, is mommy and auntie O, coming home soon?” the little girl sighs and hops onto one of the kitchen chairs.

 

He chuckles and turns to her after reaching into one of the cupboards for plates.

 

“Yes, she will be home in a few days. Auntie really needed her, you know mom doesn’t like leaving you.” he replies happily and Clarke flushes at this statement.

 

She knows he’s talking about _her._

 

“I bet I’m more excited than you.” Thea challenges.

He laughs with her and places the plates on the table. “I doubt it.” he challenges back to her and she sticks out her tongue.

“Would you tell me a story of you and mom?” she asks in that all too familiar curious kid tone, it reminded Clarke of herself.

 

He cuts into the food and places a small portion onto Thea’s plate.

 

“I think I’ve told you just about every single one.” he replies cheekily.

“Oh come on dad, please.” Thea pouts.

 

He chuckles through his mouthful of food and takes the towel to dab his mouth. “Okay, okay. A new story or an old one?”

“New please” she practically wiggles off her chair in excitement.

He watches her in complete adoration and he leans over the table and gives a wicked smile. “This isn’t too big of a story but I thought it would be fun to tell. I used to call mom princess too.” he starts.

“No way” she giggles. “I bet she didn’t like it.”

He laughs too. “No she hated it. Every single time I called her it, her eyes practically rolled out of her head.”

“You mean the face she makes when you do something she doesn’t want you to?”

 

“Yes that one. So one day, we were walking through the forest, hoping to find Jasper. It was when we first landed so we still had those clunky bracelets. I wanted her to take it off so the silly people wouldn’t come down. The more I took off, the less likely they were to follow us. So I challenged her and told her to take it off and that’s when I called her _brave princess._ Later that day, she almost fell into a trap and I saved her life. Your mommy didn’t like me very much.” he finishes and takes a bite.

 

“You call me that too! I’m just like mommy. I like you though so that’s different.” she giggles. “To be fair I don’t think I would like you either. Mom said you were a _big meanie._ ”

_“Oh did she.”_ he laughs and his cheeks go a flush red. “Your mom and I, we’ve come a long way. You know the best part?” he asks her.

“What, her not completely destroying you?” she asks cheekily and he tilts his head back in laughter.

“Well yes.” he replies and calms to his thoughts. “But no that’s not what I’m talking about. What I’m talking about is how much I’ve loved your mother. Ever since that moment.”

Thea hums in adoration. “That’s cute but ew gross dad. Auntie O always tells me about how much you love mom, she says it’s gross too.”

“I bet she does.” he smiles.

“You see?” Alie asks.

“Why are you showing me this.” Clarke demands, her eyes don’t leave her family.

“This is what Bellamy’s City of Light dream was.” Alie replies smoothly.

“What have you done to him.” she snaps.

“Nothing, a simple tap into his mind is all I need.” Alie looks to Bellamy then back to Clarke. “Lovely isn’t it.”

 

Clarke tenses as she watches them talk about Uncle Murphy visiting the next day. “Just showing me what we will never have, is that it? Because I pulled the lever to save my people from your treachery, because I decided they deserved their memories?”

“No, because these are never things he wishes to vocalize.” she replies smoothly and she watches Clarke’s face soften.

“That’s okay if he doesn’t want to tell me, I know Bellamy. He just wants to be happy.” Clarke replies and her smile widens when he teases Thea about the small smudge of pasta sauce on her nose. He puts his finger into his own and puts some on his nose to match her. The laugher between the two is a mix between the softest of giggles and the laugh she’s just getting to know now.

 

What got to her the most is the way he _looked_ at her.

 

“Time will tell.” Alie says.

 

Clarke only wonders when she will wake.

 

* * *

 

 

Bellamy wakes to the warmth of Clarke tangled in his hold. Waking before her was always mesmerizing.

 

When he first met Clarke she was unexplainably beautiful. He wanted to know her, he wanted to know _every inch of her._ The way she would walk by, the way her blue eyes challenged him. He was enthralled from the moment she refused to let him touch her wrist band. He remembers hearing stories of why she was sent to Earth. What she held against her mother, that mighty grudge for all but valid reasons, he was almost proud when he heard she took it off herself. Even if he wasn’t trying to get them off anymore.  

 

It was more than inches of her he wanted to know. She spoke with elegance and strength, she was smart and cunning. God he wanted to know Clarke. Watching her with Finn made his skin crawl with jealousy. This was something he remembered, he never truly liked Finn. Word spread quickly around camp so when word came around that Finn cheated on Raven, it pissed him off and he wanted to get Clarke as far away from him as humanly possible. The one thing that did change, Clarke was smart enough to know better and distanced herself on her own. That’s when the dynamic between her and Bellamy truly changed. The way she trusted Bellamy spoke volumes on it’s own, but more than anything Bellamy sat down with himself one night and decided that _he would do anything to protect her._

 

It’s been this way ever since.

 

He kisses the top of her head and mumbles her name into her hair. “Clarke…”

Giving her a little shake he laughs. “Clarke.” he repeats that motion a few more times.

 

I guess she isn’t ready to get up, he thinks to himself.

 

Instead he places her gently down on the pillow. He pushes her hair from the sides of her face, gently touching her cheek. When he does this he’s reminded of when he found her, quite some time ago when she was taken by Roan. When he found her and saw her for the first time in months, _she looked breathtaking then too._

 

He busies himself with miniscule things and tries that gym once more.

 

However when he returns to the bedroom he finds her asleep still. He smiles a bit and walks over to her. “Clarke.” he nudges her. “Time to get up.”

 

Nothing.

 

This worries him.

 

He rushes into the kitchen and grabs the radio, he pages. “Hello, anyone please this is Bellamy.”

“We know who you are stupid.” Raven responds cheekily.

“Get Abby, now.” he demands.

“Okay, okay…” Ravens tone changes to worry. He hears shuffling and then Abby’s voice.

“What is it, Bellamy.” she asks.

“Clarke won't wake up. I shake her and she doesn’t respond, not so much as a noise. She always makes a noise.” he’s panicking.

“Calm down, when did she fall asleep.” Abby replies in the calmest tone she can make out. She’s worried too but she needs to calm Bellamy down.

“Last night, Abby it’s been all day.”

“Maybe she’s just tired, I wouldn’t be surprised if you kept her up all night.” Raven tries to be playful.

“No, Clarke is awake by now this isn’t normal.” Raven laughs at this, only because it’s gotten to a point where he _knows_ her sleeping patterns.

“You’re in deep, Blake.” Raven chuckles and Abby attempts to dismiss the banter.

“Let's go to her, Bellamy.” Abby insists.

 

He walks quickly down the hall and she’s moved from the position she’s laying.

 

“She’s moved from where she was laying, this is good right?” he asks.

“Yes this is good. It’s possible that it may be a form of sleep paralysis.” Abby thinks aloud.

“So I shouldn’t wake her.” he mumbles and she could hear the concern in his voice.

“No, let her wake on her own. I will call to check or I will send someone to call and check on her. It will depend on how busy I get.” Abby sighs.

Bellamy softens to the stress in her voice. “Hey Abby...it’s going to be alright.”

 

He hadn’t talked much to Abby since they blew up at one another but something in this moment made him feel that he needs to be there for her. This was different for him. This wasn’t Kane, this was the woman he loves birth mother, someone who has helped him in many ways. They had a connection and for even the split second between their differences, he realized how precious a connection like that would be.

 

“Thank you, Bellamy. You take good care of her, I’m not surprised she loves you.” Abby confesses and Bellamy flushes on spot.

“I knew it, I knew you two wouldn’t be able to stay in that house without-” Raven is interrupted by Abby’s groan of disgust.

“Okay too much information” Abby’s laugh is faint.

He laughs lightly. “That obvious?”

“Shut up, of course it is. You two better tell Octavia or she will find a way down there.” Raven expresses.

“I know, I know.” he smiles. “Talk with you soon.” the silence of the radio spoke to him and it made his skin crawl.

 

He looks to her sleeping form and her brows meet the center of her face in a frown. He decides to head to the library to find something to pass time, that was if his nerves would let him read or do anything without his mind wandering to Clarke.

 

He picks up a book about vikings and slips his glasses on. He finds the glasses still helping with his vision. It’s difficult to read without them.

 

_“Oh woman of the sea, challenge me to be good, challenge me to be better. For I am not the man you seek, I am rough and riddled. I call to you in hopes you will show me light, for I am not the man you seek, I am not the man you seek.”_

 

He assumed the book he picked up was an old tale, one that the people before the bombs read in history class. He couldn’t make out the writing on the frame of the book, it was bare and burgundy. The title was on the inside of the book, simply named _“A Viking's Tale.”_

 

He laughed at the irony of the man's words.

 

_How accurate._

 

He wanders back to Clarke and at the door frame he stops and sees her sitting up on the bed, her hair a complete mess and a frown so big it made him laugh.

 

“Hey you..” he tries to disguise his relief.

“Alie” she mumbles and the color drains out of his face. The book slips out of his hands and drops to the floor, he hears the spine break.

 

He rushes to her side and scrambles, touching her face. “Are you okay, did she hurt you.” he was lifting parts of her hair and checking her neck as if there would be physical harm done to her, she let out a nice laugh that had him edge away from her to get a look at her face.

 

“Bellamy, I’m okay.”

“You have been asleep for a long time, no you’re not. What happened?” she can hear that familiar worry.

“Trust me, I’m okay.”  she smiles softly and it warms his heart. He knows she’s hiding something but he decides at that moment not to pry any further, he knows she will tell him when she’s ready.

 

“Okay.”

 

* * *

 

 

He makes her dinner and they sit and talk about the peanut butter cookies his mother used to make. The stories he did share when he was ready to share them, made her so happy. Her mind however, couldn’t stop wandering to Thea.

 

_God she was so perfect. The way he looked at her. They were perfect._

 

“Clarke?” she’s called from her thoughts, he blinks at her.

“Sorry.” she mumbles looking to her food, playing with it with her fork.

 

He rises from his seat and walks over to her. He takes her hand and pulls her suddenly. She’s enveloped in his warm embrace and he lifts her off the floor. She laughs into his shoulder.

 

“Bell..”

 

He surprises her now more than ever, he places her feet on his own and begins to sway with her. The feeling of her bare feet on his rough socks.

 

_He’s humming._

 

She wraps her arms around his shoulders and lets out a content hum. She decides to hum with him and he smiles.

 

“What’s gotten into you.” she asks curiously and he smirks.

“Sometimes you do this kind of thing to me.”

“Is that so?”

He nods. “It’s been this way for such a long time now.”

“I know.” she replied smoothly exchanging that same smirk.

“You know?” he questions.

“I saw you in my dreams.”

“Where were we?"

“You couldn’t see me, but I could see you.” he frowns at this and she shakes her head.

“Alie was showing me what your dreams were...your City of Light dreams.” he stills at this and his eyes widen.

_“Clarke…I”_

“Bellamy, I loved it.” his lips move to the side, that classic Bellamy thing he does.

“It’s embarrassing.”

“Let's build that cabin when we get out of here okay?” she asks and it’s more of a want than anything else.

 

His eyes widen then soften to her words. “Before Praimfaya was even heard of, I used to have these dreams. I would always return to the same open space.” he stops himself and frowns. “Wait, how is Alie capable of reaching into my mind?” he asks not expecting much of an answer.

 

“I really don’t know. I’ve been trying to figure this out as well.”

 

They are interrupted in that moment by Raven’s call of the radio.

 

“Blake is she awake yet.”

 

He flushes and Clarke frowns. He shakes his head in response.

 

“I may have gotten a little worried.” He lets her go and she immediately misses his warmth.

 

He goes over how Clarke’s feeling on the radio with Raven and in this moment Clarke loses herself to her thoughts again.

 

He mentioned all but Thea, so she guessed that he either didn’t want to mention the girl or that was what Alie was intentionally trying to present in front of her.

 

If he did know, _why wouldn’t he tell her about Thea?_

 

_Was he afraid?_

 

She couldn’t get her mind off the girl, she felt so real.

 

It left Clarke to feel this sickness in her stomach, it was uncomfort, it was knots so tight she could burst. She wanted to know more of Thea, she wanted to meet Thea the way that Bellamy knew her.

 

It was distracting, so very distracting. She doesn’t even notice Bellamy take her hand, she doesn’t notice them dancing once again.

 

It takes his voice to call out to her. “Clarke...Earth to Clarke..”

“Did you just make a Earth joke? Bellamy the Earth is on fire.” she deadpans and he laughs accordingly.

“Sometimes I think I’m funny.” he replies and kisses her cheek.

“One Sided.” she laughs. “Who taught you how to dance?” she changes the subject in hopes to steer her thoughts out of her heart, the deep parts that were trying to make connections.

“We didn’t have lessons in factory as I’m sure you’re aware.” he laughs at the unfortunate past of the Ark. “This little old lady across the hall used to teach me. Told me that it would impress the girls. She taught me twice a week for three straight years.” he finishes his story and it immediately warms her heart.

 

_“Bellamy…”_ she says softly.

“Grandmother I never had.” he mumbles and kisses her temple.

“Thank you for sharing these things with me.”

“You’d be a first.”

She pulls away from him and her eyes glimmer. “Really?”

“Yes really, princess.”

 

In this moment her hands find his cheeks and she presses her lips to his.

 

_“I love you.”_

 

_“I love you most.”_

 

They didn’t make it to the library this time.


	13. The Brontide.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There’s a long very naked pause between them. She didn’t want to start crying, she did all she could to hold these feelings back. She swallowed the thick feeling in her throat. It’s not an alien sensation to her, she’s felt this ripping sensation of fear countless times since they landed on Earth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Going to be posting a lot of work over the hiatus so please go have a read of some of my other things! thanks for keeping up with me. Hope you're enjoying. xx
> 
> Keep up with my shenanigans here -  
> https://twitter.com/belIamyblake_

It’s been two months since her last dream of Alie.

 

The last dream she had of _Thea._

 

The imaginary girl was so breathtaking, but what she wanted the most was to see Bellamy’s dream world once again. The man she knows so well doesn’t open up, not as quickly as she wants him to. She understands it and it makes sense. They both have demons they have to face. If anything, Clarke just wants to know him more than she already does.

 

_She’s eager to find more parts of him to love._

 

He does tell her about his past now and he’s quick to tell her things he remembers about them. The times of their now distant past. The way it felt to hold her for the first time as she launched herself into his arms after reuniting with him after she was taken by the Mountain Men. He loves to talk to her about all of their memories, even sometimes the bad ones. The ones that give him nightmares. He tells her that he’s alright to talk about them now but only because _he has her._

_Though it never stops._

_The nightmares never stop._

 

She has tried to will herself to sleep just to reach that memory again but nothing works. It causes her to be restless one night and naturally, it wakes Bellamy up.

 

“Are you alright?” her body is held tight to his and his hand rubs circles on her stomach to soothe the tremors that shake her. His voice a soft whisper into her neck as he peppers light kisses.

“I...I don’t know.” she mumbles.

 

“Want to talk about it?” he suggests because he knows when she’s upset the best thing for her to do is to talk it out, even if she feels like she shouldn’t or can’t. He’s always been the easiest for her to talk to and he knows this all too well because it’s the same for him.

She hesitates for a moment. It’s been so long since her dream of Thea, she wonders so often if he knows of her. She’s tried to will herself to speak of it more than once and the words fall short. If she could talk to somebody about it maybe she could get a good night sleep without wondering if she will ever see that dream again.

 

_She wants to know that Bellamy._

 

“Remember…” she starts speaking as she rolls on her back to face in his direction, his hand still plays at her stomach and his eyes are soft to greet her, she half smiles and he responds with one too.

“Remember your city of light dream?” he tenses and his eyes widen.

“Is it Alie?”

“No..no she’s not here.” she reassures him.

“I didn’t tell you everything about it when I talked about it last.” she sighs and his brows furrow in curiosity. He sighs for a moment.

“You met Thea, didn’t you.” he answers her and her eyes widen.

“So you do know about her.”

“I’ve been seeing Thea for a very long time.” he mumbles and he glances away from her piercing stare.

“Why haven’t you told me about her Bellamy?”

“What am I supposed to say Clarke? _\- Oh by the way since Alie was introduced into our lives I’ve been dreaming about us having a child?_ ” He replies sarcastically.

“It’s been that long? Since when Bellamy?” he sighs irritably to her question.

“Clarke, you loved somebody else. There was no way in hell I was going to spit out this kind of nonsense.” he pauses and tilts his head back to look at the ceiling, his hand drifts away from her and she groans internally.

 

“Bellamy…”

 

“What do you want me to say Clarke? I’m not about to just… _I’ve loved you for so long okay? It hurt. It hurt to look at you sometimes._ Why do you think I got so mad at you when you came home to me and asked for my help. _It was because I loved you._ The stupid decisions I was thinking of making, _the ones I made,_ along with the fact that you left me. Of course I dreamt of us... _it was the only way I could see you_.”

 

Her lips parted in response, she was surprised and all in all not surprised at all. She was ignorant to Bellamy’s feelings because they _terrified her._ The split between the two of them is what made her forget, or at least temporarily forget those feelings. They never went away, as Raven would tell her, you could see it in the way she looked at him. The words never not stump her, the ones she remembers from her past.

 

_You care about him._

 

Even her past lovers saw how she favored Bellamy, though because she was that avoidant..she hurt him.

 

“Whatever” He lays his head in his hands and stretches, he tries to fluff off the subject picking the worst of times to puff out his chest and behave like nothing bothers him. She knows all too well that it does.

 

“I was ignorant.” she blurts out and his brows furrow, he half looks to her.

“Clarke please, I don’t want to be reminded of who I used to be.” he presses irritably.

 

This irritates her, he’s closing off again.

 

“No we need to talk about this.”

“Why exactly?”

“It’s important to me.”

“Why now?” he retorts.

 

_This stung a lot._

 

“I know I never talked about us, I know I avoided it.”

 

He scoffs at this, he’d admit that maybe he was being a bit of an ass but he could hardly care, this was not what he wanted to wake up to. His memories of loving her were tough ones, how many nights he slept under the starlit sky just wondering if she was even alive, _wondering if she would ever love him._ The memories left a bad taste in his mouth.

 

“Like the plague.” he answers.

“But I loved you. I always chose you, if you didn’t notice that was okay too. I did most of what I did out of your best interest.” she sighs.

“I know. It didn’t make loving you hurt less.”

 

Her hand reaches out to his face and she caresses his cheek bones with her thumb, naturally he leans into it and his eyes close.

 

“The first night I dreamt of Thea was the night we had to save Raven from Alie’s control. I was on edge for a lot of different reasons and your presence surely didn’t help it but the night we sat on the beach, the night O wouldn’t speak to me. When we took those vials and you passed out, I lay beside you and I was the last to give in to the mixture. I lay next to you and watched it ease you to sleep, I wondered if it was the last time I would ever see you, if this was a possible death instead of mere passage. I looked at you and what I hated the most was I saw Thea in you. The dream I had the night before I tucked her into bed, well we did...and you looked just like her. When we woke in that shipping container I was desperate to look around and find you and when I did, the relieving feeling was unbearably thick in my throat. I wanted to cry. The reason I wanted to cry came from dreaming of Thea when we passed out, I asked her if I had died and she just laughed...she said no and told me to relax and find you when I woke. The dreams are so realistic so when you told me that you had that dream, I wondered if my twisted fantasies were what would be my dream if I were to enter the City of Light, I was even tempted sometimes, I wanted to live that life.”

 

Bellamy finishes his thoughts with a sigh and he closes his eyes again.

 

“I haven’t seen her in so long I was almost jealous that you had been shown it, just wondering if you got a glimpse of her.”

“I love her.” Clarke mumbles and tears form in her eyes.

 

Her words move him and his eyes peel open to look at her. “I don’t understand why Alie wanted to show me her, I really don’t. I’ve been trying to figure it out.” she cries softly and he sits up. He pulls her into his lap and cradles her running his fingers through her hair and leaving light kisses on the top of her head.

 

“She just wants to get into your head.” he replies calmly.

“If she wanted to get into my head, she would have done that when she threatened to torture you in front of me.”

 

He goes still to her words.

 

_“What?”_

She takes a deep breath. “That’s what they were going to do in order to get me to talk about the Flame, they were going to hurt you...I couldn’t let them. That’s when they tried to hang my mother...but you saved me.” she tries to muster out a laugh. “You and your impeccable timing.”

 

The world around him seems to disappear as he listens to her. He suddenly regrets telling her all he did. The parts where loving her hurt. To put it simply he thought when she said she put him first, she may have been referring to TON DC and aiding him from outside of Mount Weather, or even choosing to share the living space with Azgeda in hopes to save his life when he was held hostage.

He realises it’s so much more than that.

 

“Clarke...I’m so sorry. I’m sorry that they put you through that I had no idea..” he holds to her tighter and she cries harder, wrapping her hands around his body, fingers pressing into his bare back.

“It’s okay..” she stutters cheerfully trying to make out happiness through her tears. “You were worth it.”

He presses open kisses to her palm. 

 

_You were worth it._

 

_He kisses her passionately, he makes love to her, not forgetting to make her feel worth every second that he breathes, being with her is where he belongs._

 

 

Clarke eventually comes down from her high and Bellamy tells her not to worry, to go draw and he would make them dinner.

She wanders to the art room and she begins to draw what she remembered of Earth. Different types of trees and the gorgeous plants that lay on the forest floor. The ones she misses running her fingers across.

A ripping pain tears through her body, a burning sensation. She’s ripped from her stool and she stumbles landing on the floor. She hopes Bellamy doesn’t hear it and she’s lucky when she hears no noise from the other room.

She lifts herself with what body strength she had and jet to the bathroom. Now that her leg was healed she could consider herself thankful that she no longer limped places.

She wraps her arms around her stomach trying to press the pain elsewhere but it doesn’t move.

This pain didn’t come from last night's dinner. This was different.

She searches her mind for possibilities and is rendered speechless when she realizes exactly what’s going on with her. The implants she had in her body were long expired.

 

_She’s pregnant._

 

There was nothing else it could be. She expected her period to eventually begin again but she knew it would take time. The implants paused the cycle and it would take some time before it would begin again, long after they expired.

 

Here she was, laying on the bathroom floor curled into fetal position.

 

She wanted to scream, emit some noise out of her mouth, make herself feel alive again. All she could feel is that numb sensation of disbelief.

 

The cold tiles felt nice on her body, it cooled her down from the heat pooling inside her.

 

This wasn’t good.

 

Upon laying there, listening to her heart beat, she realized something else.

 

This was why Alie could reach Bellamy’s thoughts. It’s clever but she could reach him through DNA. It was a short strand and the connection was weak, that’s why the dream never returned.

 

_Had she been shown Thea for this intention?_ She wonders. It was if Alie was giving her a warning. A straight and very clear indication that her future was to change once she left that dream.

 

How was she supposed to tell Bellamy after the incident earlier? Or the one where he completely panicked over the birthing procedure, the one where he almost lost it entirely?

 

_Goddammit._

 

“Clarke?” a knock at the door, she stumbles to her feet and winces from the uncomfortable feelings being shot through her body, she reaches to the toilet handle to mask what she was doing. She clears her throat.

“Yeah? Sorry I was just using the restroom.” she stutters, - _shit._

“Is everything okay?” he asks and you could hear worry in his voice.

 

She opens the door with the biggest fake smile she could muster up. “Of course.”

 

He smiles and pulls her close, giving her a kiss so soft it could only be described as intoxicating.

 

“I made soup, harvest vegetable and paprika, your favorite.” he leans his forehead against hers and she blushes.

“Stop doing that.”

“Stop doing what?”

“Being so good to me.”

“That’s not going to happen, besides we need to keep healthy.”

 

_Now more than ever and he has no idea._

 

He walks with her to the kitchen holding tight to her hand telling her about almost cutting his finger off with one of the knives. She laughs and mocks him in a Raven tone - _Bad shot Blake._

He lets her because he knows that she’s very aware at just how skilled he truly is behind a weapon. His accuracy impeccable.

 

He pulls out her chair for her and she sits down smiling contently, her mind clearly elsewhere.

 

“Is everything okay?” he takes the ladle and pours some of the soup into her bowl. His eyes still looking to her for a response.

“Yeah, just a lot on my mind that’s all.” she hums as she pulls the spoon up to her lips to blow and cool it down. “This smells delicious.”

“I will admit, I’m getting a bit better.” he laughs. “Magic grounder ingredients.”

She laughs too. “They were good for more than just spices Bellamy.”

 

He deadpans and rolls his eyes at her. She laughs at this too. The feeling of being across the table from Bellamy just talking about the tiniest things, all of it made her so happy.

 

_Three chairs soon._

 

That thought pulls her from her appetite and the smile wipes clean off her face.

He notices and reaches his hand across the table to hers.

 

“Together, right?” he mumbles and gives her a smile. She flushes.

“Together…” she mumbles back, trying to get something into her stomach. The soup is delicious but her appetite is lacking and it’s distracting her. She has to eat now more than ever.

 

There’s a long very naked pause between them. She didn’t want to start crying, she did all she could to hold these feelings back. She swallowed the thick feeling in her throat. It’s not an alien sensation to her, she’s felt this ripping sensation of fear countless times since they landed on Earth.

 

_None of them involved a baby._

 

Her mind wanders to possible reactions that could occur when she does tell him. All she could feel was worry.

 

“I’m going to go back to drawing if that’s okay.” she rises and he watches her.

“Alright..” she could hear worry and she tries to block it out.

 

He didn’t understand where the distance was coming from. From the moment she woke up she seemed absent minded it and it worried him more than he would like to admit. It wasn’t like Clarke to be this way, if anything between the two of them it was more in character for him to close off. This was different and he knows pushing himself to tell her would do no justice.

 

So he decides to call someone who may know the answer.

 

“Raven.” he speaks into the radio.

“What is it Blake, I’m busy. Your damn sisters students broke a few chairs, did you know I build chairs now? Ridiculous.” she mutters and Bellamy laughs.

“I just needed to talk to somebody.”

She stops what she’s doing. “Don’t you have Clarke for that? You know her right? She didn’t hit you on the head hard enough yet?”

“She’s distant with me, I’m worried.”

Raven sighs “Bellamy, talk to her about it. She’s clearly bothered by something. Whatever it is, it must be important. Clarke doesn’t just go absentminded on everyone for no reason. You of all people know this.”

“I know I know.” he mumbles and sighs. “I’m not good at this stuff.”

“Perfectly aware of that one too.” she deadpans and he laughs nervously running his fingers through his curls.

“She loves you so much, you know that right?” she asks knowing that he knows the answer.

“I do, and I love her too.”

“I know Bellamy. Now just go and talk to her alright? It could very well be something small, or you could be over reacting which you do quite often when it comes to Clarke.” she trails off

“Hey..” he mumbled irritably.

“I’m not lying and you know it.” he laughs at this .

“Yeah yeah, I know. Thanks Raven.”

“For what?”

“Your honesty, your ear, thanks for listening.”

She doesn’t remember the last time she heard Bellamy speak so genuinely to her. They but heads so often that decent conversation is avoided or impossible to make happen.

“Always Bellamy.”

 

The room is met with radio silence and he sighs contently, moving the radio in his hands absentmindedly.

 

_Clarke._

_Who she is._

_Who he is._

 

Never did he think that he would deserve her, he knew he needed her and he always will. She keeps him centered. Even if she had never loved him the way he loved her. He would go to every extent no matter what to make sure she was safe. He would put his life on the line for her no matter the cost.

 

His mind wanders to her even when she's in the other room.

 

He thinks to go to her and when he gets up to do that, all of the power goes off around him.

 

_He’s left in darkness._

 

Clarke’s scream echoes down the hallway.

 

He’s never moved so fast in his life.


	14. Light, fire and resfeber.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke realizes something here too. If this was any other day or moment in her life, she would be okay with dying here. However now that she knows she’s pregnant she could not sacrifice herself for Bellamy. She had to come home no matter what. She had to come home for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have double the projects I'm working on so I apologize if I'm not updating as regularly as I was before.  
> Check out my season five reunion fanfiction as well, it's been a long time coming now and a lot of my time is going into it as well as this.  
> Keep up with my shenanigans here.  
> https://twitter.com/belIamyblake_

He moved as quick as his legs carried him, the sound of her scream was chilling. He doesn’t know truly doesn’t what’s worse, the darkness or the eerie emergency lights of the home that lit up small parts of the hallway. 

He makes it to the art room and he finds Clarke on the floor, he rushes over to her and he’s at her side, his hands scramble all over her body to make sure she’s physically okay. Her hand is at her stomach and she winces. 

The irony of it all is much more honest. The lights went out all around her and she slipped off the stool causing her to tumble, and the canvas which had to be the size of her, came crashing down with the easel it was propped on. The impact crushed her and she cried out in pain, which was what Bellamy had heard from down the hall. _ Irony.  _

 

It all happened so quickly and there was no time to react. 

 

“Are you okay?” he asks frantically. 

“Yeah” she groans, “that easel is heavy.” a little laugh escapes her.

“Clarke that’s not funny you could have gotten seriously hurt. What’s wrong, did it hit your stomach?” 

She finds his constant need to be serious amusing. “It’s okay really, it’s not that bad. It just hit me pretty hard. I’m sorry for screaming.” 

He frowns and rolls his eyes, she’s avoiding the question and he takes note of it. “You and your dramatics. Is your stomach alright?” 

She realizes a lot of things in these few moments. She doesn’t know how far along she is, she could have potentially injured the child depending on how far along she is, and she still has to tell Bellamy. 

“I’m okay.” she mumbles and his suspicions don’t take him any further. 

“We need to talk to Raven.” she says as he helps her up. 

 

They make their way back to the kitchen slowly, avoiding the furniture as best as they could. He picks her up and sits her on the stool, she laughs and combs her fingers through his hair before he goes to get the radio. 

 

“Raven, come in.” all they receive is static. He tries again “Raven?” 

The static isn’t normal radio silence that they were used to, this was different and much louder. 

“Hello?” they hear her voice but hardly. “Bellamy I can’t hear you properly.” they manage to make out her words through the static. 

“The power went out in the house.” 

“The power? No wonder I can’t hear you properly.” 

“How do we fix it?” Clarke sounds a lot like the Clarke he was used to. The sound of her ordering others around was refreshing to hear.

“It has to be the tower.” Bellamy’s eyes widen and Clarke’s lip quivers in fear. 

 

The two of them can read one another's thoughts. They were thinking of that day.

The burning sensation of the black rain and the roar of the wave. Bellamy remembers her cries and he winces to the thought of it. The blood curdling sound she made when she hit the ground. He carried her, he ran, he ran _ so quickly _ . If they had waited a second later they would’ve died. 

 

“What about the tower.” he can hear the fear in her voice and his hand is comforting on her shoulder. 

“Something must have happened to it. You’re going to have to fix it. Clarke, you’re going to have to fix it.” The radio is in and out of thick waves of static.

“No” Bellamy’s voice is firm and angry, he tenses his hold on her shoulder and he makes his point with a simple word. 

“I’m a nightblood, I’m the only one who can go - you know that Bellamy.” she tries to reason with him. “I can do it, you can’t.” 

“I don’t care.” he snaps.

 

“Bellamy you’re picking a mighty fine time to be a pain in the ass; Clarke is a nightblood. She’s the only one who can do it.” Raven has always had Clarke’s back so it comes as no surprise to her that they have to reason with Bellamy. 

 

Clarke’s hand idly goes to her stomach.  _ Of course _ she thinks, _ of course these things would happen now that I’m pregnant.  _

The nightblood should be strong enough to protect the child but she couldn’t help but worry about the conditions of the planet. It hasn’t been that long since Praimfaya and the likelihood of it still being hazardous is high. All she could see is fear in his eyes, she hasn’t seen this fear since she stood head on against the Azgeda army. 

She would consider this fear in his face a new addition to the things she’s seen from Bellamy. He’s a man who hardly knows fear and now he stares it in the face, head on. 

 

“I’m going to be okay Bellamy.” he frowns at her. 

He looks to her in all seriousness and his eyes water. Raven’s voice calls off the radio before he could speak. “Listen Bellamy, I’ve seen how this nightblood works. She’s going to be fine, the tower is more than likely knocked out of position. It will take maybe a half hour tops.” 

He says nothing and he only stares at her. “Okay Raven, can you get Murphy?” Bellamy’s brows furrow at this. “He knows where the suits are.” 

“Okay, give me a minute. God knows what he’s up to at the moment.” Raven is off the call as soon as she finishes her sentence and Clarke is left with the cold stare of Bellamy. 

 

This time it’s different. He’s not angry or able to protest, _ he’s silent and afraid.  _

 

This situation was terrifying. Between all of the events that have happened since before Praimfaya, Bellamy wasn’t there to witness Clarke make herself a nightblood. Abby told him of the horror story, she even implied that she wished he was there to talk sense into her. Now here she was, about to use this nightblood and walk out into the radiation soaked planet and there wasn’t a single thing he could do. 

 

“Bellamy…” she whispers softly as her eyes search his face. She wants to say something,  _ anything, _ to ease him. 

“I can’t lose you…” his voice is hoarse and very rough. He sounds on the verge of a complete melt down and as the seconds pass he begins to cry. The tears even shock him, he’s never felt like this before. 

“I got this” she mumbles an ever so Bellamy set of words and if you looked close enough you could see a very small sad smile appear on his face. 

“You know every time I say I got this, I never had it. I always made some kind of mistake.” he tells her sadly. 

“You’re Bellamy Blake, you always got this.” she smiles at him and for a second he doesn’t feel anything at all. 

“What is it?” they hear Murphy’s voice off the radio and they are called from the conversation they were attempting to have.

“Murphy, where did Becca keep the radiation suits in the home we visited?” 

“Oh you’re living in the shit hole I forgot, sorry not shit hole I bet it’s cozy down there in pound town. Anyway, very far back of one of the lab rooms, I think in the two hundreds if I’m correct.” Murphy answers nonchalantly and Bellamy rolls his eyes and almost musters a laugh to his friends ever so sarcastic moments. 

“Thank you.” Clarke replies happily.

“Clarke...be careful.” Murphy’s tone is soft and it shocks them all.

“Murphy’s grown soft up here.” Raven laughs.

“Shut up Reyes.” he barks and for the moment that the laughter fills the room, everything feels okay. 

 

Raven goes over her hypothesis and tells Clarke exactly what she needs to do in order to fix the tower. It isn’t a lengthy process and it can be completed so long as she focuses on the task at hand, not whatever runs throughout her brain. Raven loves to emphasize how distracted Clarke gets when Bellamy’s on her mind. He laughs at this comment for only a moment. 

Clarke realizes something here too. If this was any other day or moment in her life, she would be okay with dying here. However now that she knows she’s pregnant she could not sacrifice herself for Bellamy. She had to come home no matter what. She had to come home for _ them.  _

 

 

* * *

 

They find the lab not too long after Raven is off the radio. Clarke begins to suit up and Bellamy paces the room, desperately searching for something he could come up with to change the situation at hand. It was a given but generally useless this time around, there was no avoiding it. 

 

Bellamy doesn’t look Clarke in the eye, he only paces out of the room to grab the radio, then paces back only to circle the room in frustration. 

 

“I’m ready.” she seals the helmet onto her suit and Bellamy’s wide eyed gaze is now on her, the heartbreaking feeling of leaving his side for the first time in months, even if it’s only for a half an hour, he was only ever a shout away. Only ever a  _ whistle. _

Bellamy crosses the space between them and unbuckles her helmet. “Bellamy what are you doing?” she’s caught off guard when he kisses her softly. His mouth says things he couldn’t put into words. 

 

_ I’m sorry, please don’t go, please, I need you. I can’t lose you too. _

 

“Let me do it instead.” Bellamy says hesitantly as his lips hover over hers.

“No, you’re not a nightblood. Would you stop trying to be the hero for once?” she snaps at him with more hostility than she planned. 

Her words hurt him and it stings directly to the core. “As if you’re one to talk.”

“Stop behaving like me saving us is a bad thing.” 

“It’s not” 

“Then what is it, Bellamy?” her tone is cold and unforgiving. 

“God damn it Clarke, you’re risking your life! You could die the moment you step outside and it’s like you’re not even flinching...you’re not even worried about dying. Why don’t I get a say in this?” his irrational fear takes over him and she sighs. 

“If you don’t let me go, we  _ all _ die. Is that what you want?” her eyes are an icy stare, she tries to push him away, to do anything to get him to let her go. She wouldn’t call it her most strategic move but she has to try. 

“No...I don’t want us to die, I don’t want you to die.” he pleads and he takes her hand.

“Bellamy you’re making this harder than it already is for me. Please, I will be safe okay?” her hand comes up to his face and her thumb brushes gently across his freckle kissed cheeks. 

He nods into her touch and she places her helmet back on. She looks over to the airlock she has to enter to get outside and she’s reminiscent of all of the bad memories that come with it. She remembers losing her father, she remembers losing almost all of her friends at once to Emerson. It leaves a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. Her hand comes to her stomach subconsciously again and Bellamy notices. 

 

“Still hurting from earlier?” he asks as he comes to her aid, he places his hand over it. 

Sparks fill her bloodstream and she feels her entire body light on fire from the sensation of having Bellamy’s hand over the baby. 

 

“I uh.” she stutters. “A little but I’ll be okay.” he rubs his hand in a circle motion on the fabric of the suit and it leaves her body feeling all new kinds of warm sensations she’s never had before. Motherly love and the feeling of family, the feeling he didn’t even know was happening. It still never stopped the biggest smile from appearing on her face. His eyebrows meet in the center of his face and she laughs. 

“Clarke...every day you confuse me more.” she laughs harder at this. 

“I’ll be back, okay?” she tries to smile at him to get one back, she expects nothing but receives a half smile anyway. 

 

He lets her go. 

 

* * *

 

When she enters the chamber she turns to look at him. For the first time in her life she watched Bellamy’s lip quiver in fear. She puts her hand up in ease much in the way she did when he was worried in med bay. It calms him, it puts him at that ease he needs to be at in order to make this decision. To push this button he had to push in order to let her go. 

 

So many scenarios ran through his mind - but what could he truly do? He had no say in the choices she was about to make, he had to  _ let her go.  _

 

She gives him a small nod to indicate that she’s ready and his hand hovers over the button to the airlock. He doesn’t know what he feels when he presses it, all he can hear is the roar of Praimfaya, what’s left of it. 

 

He watches her leave and he ever thought he’d be the one to break so quickly, and he  _ does. _

 

The suit proves useful and it keeps Clarke safe. The radioactive ash still drenches the planet, it acts like snow, sometimes light and sometimes heavy. She doesn’t miss these god awful red suits and she laughs to the thought of Bellamy’s hair after he’s removed his helmet. It leaves light on the subject as she makes her way back to the tower. She follows old hardly visible footprints that undoubtedly belonged to them. It feels different to walk on ground again but it terrifies her. 

The world was already beginning to heal even if it was at the slowest pace possible. She could see it changing even in the tiniest ways. Praimfaya had its hold on earth and it would take the years for it to heal. The sky was a dark yellow, it illuminated like fire itself. She couldn't believe the phenomenon before her. Tragically beautiful. She only wished the world could see fire like this without the flame and disaster it came with. If she could live in a world like this she may have been the only one left and she wouldn’t want that - she wouldn’t want to be alone, she wouldn’t want to live in a world where she would be away from Bellamy. 

Her legs feel heavy as they drag through the ash, the tower comes into the clearing and she sighs of relief. She goes over to the panel and as Raven guessed, the dish was no longer aligned as it should be. She guessed the velocity of the wind must have knocked it out of place. 

It glows and flashes red and yellow, the same monotone computer generated words are repeated. “DISH UNALIGNED.” She sighs and grows irritable by the second. She knows she has to climb this tower. She doesn’t know how high the tower is and she cannot see the top. It is smothered in smoke that weighs heavy in the atmosphere. She takes a deep breath and she thinks of Bellamy. She thinks of all they’ve been through together. He saved her life by getting her to the safe house, it’s time for her to save his. She takes a deep breath and grabs onto the bar, one by one ever so carefully, she climbs. 

Left foot, right foot, she climbs. In these moments she fears heights and her stomach feels queasy. She tries to distract herself with positive thoughts of Bellamy. How his freckles kissed every inch of him, how one in particular sat on his waist and only until she found herself kissing his stomach one night, peppering a trail to a particular spot, did she find and love that specific freckle. Her love bruises he loved, his freckles she loved. In that moment she never wanted to be anywhere else. Sometimes he would giggle, and Bellamy doesn’t _ giggle.  _ She guessed he was sensitive and ticklish and she would be lying if it didn’t result in a fight for tickle dominance. If there was a fly on the wall, the fly would die and be smothered by the corniness that was the love they shared. She’s thankful in moments like those that they’re alone in this house. 

Bellamy wasn’t always a man of words but he knew how to love her, he knew different ways of telling her that he loved her. Tucking a curl behind her ear, pressing kisses to her forehead, telling her stories of his past voluntarily, telling her that she’s beautiful, pulling the chair out for her to sit, washing her hair in the shower. All of these things were Bellamy’s way of saying I love you, I need you, I appreciate you. Sometimes he didn’t need to act at all, his eyes spoke to a profound nature and Clarke realized from the beginning that sometimes they don’t even need to speak, sometimes she can see just how he feels with one glance. It was the same for him, he read her like a book. He knew every page, every detail. He knew  _ her. _

Clarke finally see’s the top of the tower and a very quick sigh of relief is due, she just wanted to be done with this already. She knew that when she returned home that she would have to tell Bellamy about the baby. She figures that telling him may ease him after she comes home. He will undoubtedly be anxious and still upset. She also knows it’s impossible to wait any longer. If her calculations are correct, she will begin showing in just a few short weeks. She came to the conclusion on her own that one of the nights he couldn’t have enough of her, was guaranteed to be one of the nights she conceived. She tried not to think about his warm calloused hands all over her body. 

She reaches the top of the tower and the wind is so strong she has to hold on for the moment onto one of the thicker bars. She waits until the gust passes in order to pull on the dish. She looks below her to the hardly working screen that flashes that familiar red sign informing her of the alignment. She has to admit she feels weaker as days go on. She had only just found out she was pregnant but she can’t say she’s been eating for two, she didn’t know she had to. She pulls with all her strength and she’s reminded of pulling the lever in Mount Weather with Bellamy. That feeling of his hand on hers gives her the strength, it feels like his hand is there with him. She pulls and she groans in pain, she could feel it on her hands. The tension building in her muscles carry all the way to her palm that’s pulling on the hinge of the satellite dish. 

The dish served a dual purpose. It allowed connection between the radios and it allowed power to the home. She was surprised that she could hear anybody of the radio but luck was on their side. Finally she reaches the point it’s supposed to sit at and the screen below her glows green. She wants to shout yes but she’s too weak. 

She begins her descent and she’s afraid of falling, but she has to make it for him, for them. The three of them have so much to talk about. She wants to smile, she wants to see him again. So she descends with all of her courage. 

 When she sees the ground she prays that she could move fast enough to get to Bellamy. She wants to see that look of relief, she wants to see him glow. She wants to tell him about the baby. She finally feels her feet sink into the ground and she walks as fast as she can. 

 

She wonders if for the moment, what gender the baby is. Maybe Thea was that informative dream that she needed, the one to tell her that maybe that same child was on the way. It wouldn’t be  _ her _ , but she couldn’t say that it was a mere coincidence that she had this same dream of Thea that Bellamy has had before, then find out she’s pregnant not too long after. 

She doesn’t know the true extent of Alie’s power on her but she hopes it’s something she could figure out when she gets inside. Something she could possibly figure out with Raven. 

 

“Bellamy...I’m on my way...I’m almost there.” she’s out of breath and struggling to keep herself moving. She feels the weight of the world on her shoulders for the moment and it reminds her of the past life she lived where every decision she made with Bellamy had to be made carefully. Dating back to when they had to lead the hundred, back to the camp, back even to the moments where Wells was by her side. She could hear Bellamy’s voice call out to her,  _ Brave Princess.  _

She doesn’t doubt for even a second he’ll be calling her that when she gets home. 

Just as the house comes into the clearing she can see the airlock in the distance, open and waiting for her. 

She walks faster and she can feel the burn residing in her thighs as the ash on the ground got thicker in certain parts of the ground. She passes by dead trees and tries to keep up that pace entirely. 

As she gets closer to the door, her eyes trick her. She blinks hard once, twice, three times. 

 

_ No.  _

 

Her eyes do not deceive her. 

 

Another red suit lays face down in the white ash that litters the ground.

 

_ Bellamy… _


	15. Petrichor.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All he could think about is getting out of here, getting back to Clarke. He was an idiot to go after her, he should have just trusted her judgement, trusted Raven’s words. Anything to not land him in this hot water, now here he is in between what once was and what could very well be his fate.
> 
> He could die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for such a long wait, I've had ridiculous amounts of writers block and it's been nothing less than frustrating. Thank you for the patience and the love.

_“Bellamy…”_ a voice calls out to him with grace, it’s fleeting and sounds distant.

 

_“Bellamy, you need to get up Bellamy.”_

 

His eyes open to the white expanse around him, he sits up immediately in panic. It’s pale and white, he feels nothing around him, nothing below him. It’s empty. A vast expanse of nothingness and he’s caught in it.

 

He groans in frustration. “What did I do?”

“Be the hero, like always.” a familiar voice calls to him and he is greeted with a figure who sits next to him, he hadn’t noticed him the entire time.

“Jasper…” Bellamy breathes.

“Hey Captain.” he smiles and pats Bellamy on the back.

“Where am I, why am I here?” Bellamy looks around him, searching for answers.

“ _Easy there big guy,_ you can’t go anywhere. Not yet at least.”

“What do you mean?” he tenses.

“You’re not alive, not exactly.” Jasper sighs. “You went and did the idiot heroic thing you do and got yourself into trouble, now you’re here in a comatose state.”

“The suit…” Bellamy runs his hand down his face. “It didn’t work.”

“Clearly not” Jasper deadpans and Bellamy sighs into his hand, he pulls at his curls in frustration.

“You can’t be surprised though, you do just about anything for Clarke, even if it means your life is on the line.” Jasper finishes with a little smile peeking at his left cheek.

“It’s all I know how to do. I couldn’t just let her go out to die.”

“So you risk both of you? Nice to see that hasn’t changed between you two.” Jasper laughs and Bellamy’s brows furrow.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Bellamy grows defensive.

“You two always had something, the fact that you’re both personal meat shields to one another, it doesn’t surprise me.” Jasper stands up and stretches. “Come, I have someone waiting for us.”

Bellamy looks up to Jasper and rises to meet the occasion, he knows he may be a while. He doesn’t know when he will wake. Anything is better than the loneliness of this expanse.

“Where are we going?” Bellamy follows after the quick paced man in front of him.

“I have some people who want to see you.”

 

_People?_

 

Jasper stops dead in his tracks. “Don’t question it, trust me.”

Bellamy swallows hard and follows along again as requested.

All he could think about is getting out of here, getting back to Clarke. He was an idiot to go after her, he should have just trusted her judgement, trusted Raven’s words. Anything to not land him in this hot water, now here he is in between what once was and what could very well be his fate.

 

_He could die._

  


* * *

 

Clarke is sobbing as she drags his body into the chamber. She wails his name over and over and she gets no response by shaking his weight. He’s so heavy and she worries he’s gone. Thousands of questions running rampant through her mind and none of them being answered nor silenced. For all she could hear is her own cries.

 

After closing the door to the chamber, she flips him onto his back to get a look at him. She has never seen something so horrific in her life. The man she loved is covered in boils and burns, hardly recognizable.

 

She checks for a pulse, it’s faint, _he’s dying._

 

“Oh God, please no, Bellamy please…” She pleads and her pleas are muffled by her cries. In a sudden moment of impulse she runs to find the radio and a gurney. She sheds parts of her suit off in the process of running down these halls.

She’s dragging the gurney from one of the office rooms as she calls on the radio. “Mom, Raven please!”

“What is it?” Raven’s answer is immediate.

“Get my mom, it’s Bellamy, please!” she doesn’t hear a response, only shuffling on the other end. Raven could hear the distress in Clarke’s voice.

“Clarke, what is it?” Abby’s voice was calming

“Bellamy, he went out when I told him not to! Mom he’s dying.” she cries, she’s hooded over him and sobbing, her fingers touch his face. The boils on his skin are rough at her touch, he’s bleeding and she could feel it soak her skin.

“How do I save him, _say something!_ ” she yells to her mother.

“Clarke, there isn’t much you can do.” Abby’s voice is sad.

“Yes there is, we can save him! I can!” Clarke is practically yelling but her voice is so strained she can’t speak without stuttering, without breaking.

 

It’s silent for a moment and Clarke brings him into one of the patient rooms.

“I think I know what to do.” Clarke’s voice has changed. It’s almost as if a sudden thought appeared to her out of thin air, it called to her, his voice called to her.

“Clarke, he’s dying.” Raven said sadly.

“I’m a nightblood, I could use my blood.” she replies as she makes her way around the room searching for medical supplies she would need.

“You would need more than one dose though, Clarke.” Abby voices her concern and Clarke puts it aside with only one concern on her mind.

“I’m not concerned with that right now.” she sighs to her own thoughts and she realizes this may be more complicated than she once thought. A normal procedure would take no issue, if that person receiving wasn’t deadly injured and Clarke wasn’t pregnant. All of these things apply and she’s worried and unsure of what steps to take. She has no choice but to tell her mother.

“What’s concerning you Clarke?” Abby asks, this time her voice changes to something a lot more familiar, it’s worry.

She takes a deep breath before she speaks. “Can I still give blood if a third person is involved?”

“What do you mean a third person…oh shit.” Raven mumbles.

“I’m pregnant.” Clarke adds and she hears her mother sigh.

“You’ve gotta be shitting me.” Raven says, this time with another sigh.

“I don’t have time for this, I’m giving him the first dose.” She takes the syringe from the metal tray and she feels the pinch of the needle as it hits her vein.

“You have to do it in doses.” Abby says hastily. “Or you’ll both die.”

“I figured.” Clarke tries to hold back her tears, she winces to her mother's words. It’s painful.

 

She begins to transfer the blood to Bellamy, a needle at a time, every hour. She only hopes to a forgiving God as she cries at his side, _please don’t leave me. I need you._

 

* * *

 

“Jasper I don’t have time for this.” Bellamy huffs irritably as he follows along behind Jasper through a forest. He ducks under tree’s and avoids large patches of mud and puddles. A fog lingers in the air and the world around him illuminates an Earthy green.

“Not like you’re going anywhere bud. Just be patient.” Jasper waves him away.

 

They enter an all too familiar clearing. The waterfall, the cabin. It brings him back, a home like feeling he only got when he was with Clarke. Everything seemed untouched, left exactly where it was last. Although this time it was different. On the swing that held tight on the porch sat his mother. In the field two figures ran chasing one another. Thea and Wells.

 

“Dad!” Thea shouts, it doesn’t pull him from his wide eyed gaze. He looks to his mother, who sits peacefully, as if she knew he would be there. He can’t believe his eyes, it’s actually her.

Thea practically tackles him and Wells smiles at him, but his eyes don’t leave his mother when they both come to greet him.

 

She waves and gets up to walk to him. He stills in these moments. He does not know what to say.

 

“Bellamy…” her voice is a melody that carries so beautifully across the way to him. She wears a pale blue dress that drags behind her.

Thea holds his hand and swings it in hers, he says nothing to those around him. He only stares longer.

 

“Are you real?” he finally speaks.

“Only for the moment, only until you wake.”

Jasper and Wells both give him a pat on his shoulders to gesture him toward the house with Thea and Aurora.

“Little stumped there friend?” Wells lets out a little laugh, he hardly remembers much of Bellamy other than his “Whatever the hell we want.” persona. Seeing him so caught off guard was amusing.

Bellamy scoffs. “A little?”

 

They sit him down on the porch, Thea sits in his lap, Jasper sits crossed legged on the brick path in front of him, Wells joins at Jasper's side and Aurora sits next to Bellamy.

 

“God I’m an idiot.” Bellamy mumbles and rubs his hand down his face. Thea makes a point to play with Bellamy’s curls.

“You’re not.” His mother replies smoothly and smiles at him.

“You just love her.” Jasper responds. “This is nothing new.”

Bellamy lets out a genuine laugh. “I guess not.”

“I haven’t been around, but Jasper has told me stories. Thank you for looking after Clarke.” Wells thanks him genuinely and Bellamy plays with Thea’s hands as she sits quietly with him.

“I really don’t know what to say, _to any of you._ ” Bellamy admits.

“That’s alright. This must be a lot for you to take in at once.” His mother hums sweetly.

“I let each and every one of you down, is this an omen or something?” he asks.

Jasper lets out a small laugh. “No, just people Clarke would want you to see. You arrived and we decided it would be best if we kept you as comfortable as we can. Please don’t blame yourself.”

“Clarke would want me to see?”

“You don’t think we sit around and do nothing, do you?” Wells teases.

“No…” he sighs and his mother finds her hand on Bellamy’s back.

“She would want people to be here for you, would she not?” his mother asks.

“I don’t even know if she’s alright.” his voice sounds a lot like a cry.

 

“Well if you’re here, that means you’re still alive.” Wells tries to reassure him. “My guess is Clarke is treating you.” Wells takes this moment to nudge Jasper playfully and Bellamy’s memories of Clarke treating him from his spear wound lay prominent in his mind. They were all there that day. Wells, Octavia, Monty and Clarke all looked after Jasper, while Bellamy and the others wanted to rid him of his misery.

 

“Clarke…she misses you all…so much.” Bellamy smiles sadly.

“We see her sometimes too.” Jasper returns that smile.

“Tell me about her.” Aurora says in a motherly tone.

“What did you want to know.”

“Everything.”

“Well she’s....brave. Her heart is strong.” Bellamy smiles and tucks one of Thea’s curls behind her ear, she giggles accordingly. "Clarke is like the summer breeze we only used to be able to describe. She's...my entire world. I would give my life so long as she could breathe." 

“Saved our asses countless times.” Jasper mumbles.

Bellamy gives a half smile to Jasper. “She saved me. She continues to save me, she keeps me centered. - You would have loved her mom.”

“I think I do, if she makes you this happy.”

 

Bellamy only wonders if he will ever be able to see her again.

 

* * *

 

“Clarke, how are things going..” Abby asks through the radio, it echoes the silence in the room.

Clarke is slouched next to Bellamy, leaning on him and one of her hands are on her stomach. She feels weak.

“Everything's fine.” she coughs.

“No, it’s not. I can hear it in your voice.” Abby replies. “You can’t keep doing this, it will kill you and the child.”

“He only needs one more....I can do it.”

 

Abby says nothing and Clarke breaks down. She sobs uncontrollably. “Bellamy….come back to me, we need you. I need you…” She looks to him and he looks to be healing. She worries it won't be enough to save him.

 

If she didn’t have the child, she would give her life for him. She has to be strategic, she has to be smart about her situation. If this was any other situation dear God she would put her life on the line, she has before, it’s Bellamy after all.

Her fingers touch his cheeks, the parts of him healing are pale. His freckles...they still thrive. She kisses his cheeks where they lay. Ever so beautifully sprinkled on his face. Her tears soak her face and his own, puddles she could only imagine would sting if he was awake.

 

* * *

 

“I made you something to eat.” Aurora says cheerfully as she walks toward Bellamy with a freshly baked pasta dish.

Bellamy leans against the table as he watches Wells and Thea put together a thousand piece puzzle with ease. She teases him and her levels of sass and attitude remind him of Clarke.

He’s zoned out and Aurora’s voice calls him from his thoughts. “It’s Clarke isn’t it?”

“What?”

“Clarke, you’re worried about her.”

“I’m always worried about her.” he sighs.

“I know. If the things you say about her are true, she will find a way to bring you back.” Aurora rubs his back and Bellamy feels a rush from his childhood.

“I should have listened to her. I panicked, I was worried about her. She was acting strange, more so than usual. She’s grown distant in the last little while and she pretends to be okay when she’s not. She does...this thing where she holds her stomach and when I touch her there she almost...flinches?” he vents. “I don’t know…”

Aurora lets out a sweet and genuine laugh. “You’re always searching, you’ve been this way since you were very little. I won’t tell you why, but I think I have an idea as to why she’s behaving like this. I know you’ll figure it out.”

He frowns. “I don’t want to play a guessing game.”

“No....you won't have to guess. She will tell you what’s going on when the time is right. If you love her, give her that. Trust that in due time, she will come to you. She will seek you. From what Jasper has told me, the bond between you and Clarke is very special, unbreakable was the word he used.”

“I feel like she doesn’t want me to touch her. I feel like I scare her.” he sighs and plays with the strands of hair in his face.

_“Dilly dally, shilly shally.”_ Aurora says while she cuts into the pasta _._

_“What?”_ He quirks up and looks at her.

“Dilly dally…shilly shally.” she repeats. “What is it?”

“Clarke....she says that.” His heart races.

“That means whatever she’s doing on the outside world is working.” Jasper calls over to them from the couch. “When somebody enters this part of the world unfairly, the only way to tell if you’re healing is if you start to recognize phrases. She’s healing you.”

He sighs with relief and tears fill his eyes.

“You see, everything's alright.” Aurora hums sweetly.

“Will I just wake?” Bellamy asks aloud.

“You’ll hear her.” Wells adds. “For now come help with the puzzle.”

 

* * *

 

Clarke finishes giving him the last dose of her blood. Her face is pale and her lips are a blue and purple, no longer giving the lush pink they once had. She feels cold and the monitor that gives feedback of his process flashes viciously. It’s monitoring his healing process and it seems to be going better than she had originally anticipated. What she expected was to fight for it, but it seems he’s fighting it on his own. It’s like he knows, his body subconsciously fights to live because he knows she’s outside. Which was what was happening. His body was healing.

 

“Please...come back.” she mumbles. “I need you, we need you.” she repeats.

 

Her head is leaned on his body, her arms are draped across him. She’s sore and exhausted. “I don’t want to live in this house without you....I know, our love was like glass right? It was always so close to being shattered...it was fragile; but you kept us together. You keep me centered...I can’t do this without you.”

 

She doesn’t notice his hand begin to move.

 

* * *

 

“I can hear her talking to me.” Bellamy mumbles as he kisses Thea on the forehead.

“Looks like it’s time for you to go friend.” Jasper gives him a pat on the back.

“Take care of her.” Wells says smiling.

“I love you.” Aurora presses a kiss to his forehead.

 

_He vanishes._

 

* * *

 

“I’m so sorry…” she cries. “For everything I have ever done that’s hurt you. I was such an idiot and you still loved me just the same…I need you...please.” she cries.

 

_I forgive you._

 

She doesn’t notice his hand move, her face is still buried in his chest to muffle the sobs coming from her. She’s in pain and she rubs her stomach.

 

“I should have told you....maybe this is my karma. I deserve this....but they don’t.” she pauses.

 

_They?_

_Clarke I can hear you._

_He tries to speak but no words come. He can feel his body, he gets no response._

 

“Bellamy...you have to come back to me. I’m going to need you now more than ever okay…” she stutters.

 

_Clarke talk to me…just tell me what’s wrong._

 

“Bell....we’re having a baby, okay? I’m so afraid....more afraid than I ever was when we pulled the lever in Mount Weather...or when we had to protect the hundred...when we made our final stand against them. It’s funny I wasn’t as afraid as I am now. Who would have thought that a tiny human would be the only thing that spooked me.” she laughed to herself.

 

“A baby…” he mumbles. “Spooks the brave princess?”

It startles her and she looks at him. “Bell…” she cries.

“Hey...saved my ass again huh?” he chokes and she nods while she caresses his face.

“You’re back.” she mumbles.

His body is weak and it feels like it’s filled with led. “Sit up.” he mumbles.

She sits up a bit more than she already is and she moves toward him. “You’re healing…” she smiles. Tears still wrack her body and she shakes.

“You’re pale...how did you…” he mumbles and he searches her with his eyes. _"Clarke..."_

“I had to use my blood” she pauses and hesitates. “It was the only way to save you.”

 

She watches him tense. “We will be okay, I just need to rest.” His eyes are still wide. She can tell he’s still attempting to process what he had heard. She wanted to tell him differently; but one thing Clarke never forgets is how spur of the moment their life has been since the moment they landed. How could she have expected something so grand to be simplistic she would never know.

 

He looks all over her body and he can see just how much she has had to do. He feels terrible for it. She had to haul his lifeless body, give her own blood and somehow provide for both him and the baby. He sighs to himself as he looks at her, that broken smile she gives is one of relief and his is guilt. “I couldn’t let you go...I panicked.” His voice is apologetic.

 

“I know.”

“I sat with my mother, Jasper, Wells and Thea. I told them about you. I told my mother that I was worried about you and she said she knew.” his eyes fall to her abdomen.

“What was that like?” her question is cut short when she feels him.

 

He gathers the energy to lift his hand and when it does reach, it finds her stomach.

“We’re having a baby…” he mumbles.

She nods and smiles through the tears. “Yes Bell, a baby.”

“Don’t be afraid.” he tries to reassure her but the fear pounds in his mind, he can hear it.

“Together right?”

_“Together.”_


	16. Faith in an Iris.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The baby will be safe.” He tries to reassure her.  
> “How do you know?” She pulls away from him.  
> “I'm trying to have faith. It's not entirely working but it's getting there...I let my fears get the best of me. I'm sorry.”  
> She smiles. “Faith is good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had such a busy work week that I haven't had a chance to update until now, thank you for the ongoing patience and support! lots of love. xx

“So when were you two idiots going to tell me you were even together?” Octavia spits through the radio and Bellamy can practically hear her pout.

“It's not that simple, O.” He laughs. “I'm sorry we didn't.”

“Not that simple but baby making is?” She pauses and lets out a heartfelt laugh “well I guess the entire camp saw it coming so what else is new exactly.”

“Entire camp, huh.” Bellamy deadpans and looks to Clarke, who's sitting on the couch reading out loud. She started to get into the habit of reading out loud, reading to the baby. It's been a week since his injuries, a week since he found out about the baby, and in all honestly he doesn't know what to think. To him it hasn't set in, which is what made it easier to process. Even if the entire situation _wasn't_.

“How goes the healing? I swear next time you pull a stunt like that on us I will come down there.” Octavia threatens in a half playful manner, he knows that she's partially serious. If she had a way, she would come down and give him a piece of her mind. She means well, it's her fear of losing her brother masked with playfulness; Bellamy could only relate.

“I'm almost healed entirely, this nightblood works magic. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for Clarke.” He smiles over to her as she sits comfortably. It catches her attention for a brief moment as she smiles at him, then back down to her book.

“Thank her a thousand times over. It's nothing new though, Clarke always saves our ass.” Raven teases.

Ever since what had happened, Octavia has called on the radio daily with Abby and Raven to monitor his healing process and to check on Clarke and the baby. It made him laugh at how quick all three of them went parent mode the moment the “cat was out of the bag.”

Everything that didn't make sense about Clarke's distant behavior came to a close the moment he heard about the baby. She was afraid too. They both were afraid. He would admit that she's always been braver than him, but this was on a new level of courage. Something she had mentioned earlier, is that she cannot stress or sweat the small things anylonger, it could hurt the baby. So Clarke is learning different forms of meditation, remedies for sleep and her attempts to find peace within herself posing a challenge.

Bellamy would take part in it and he’s even taken a liking into reading books about pregnancy and what Clarke is going through. The development and change in her body is a need to know so he learns what he should and shouldn’t be doing.

“Whatever I’m happy you finally got the courage to make a move on her, more than anything I’m an auntie when I get down there!” you can hear just how happy Octavia is and Bellamy blushes when Clarke looks over to him. The finally getting the courage part is what caught her attention, having her wonder just how many conversations they’ve had about loving Clarke. He told her how long it’s been, but it doesn’t make it any different hearing it from another voice.

“Alright, alright. I’m hanging this up now before you embarrass me.” Bellamy sighs. He was embarrassed, and knowing Clarke she’d want an explanation. From the corner of his eye, he see’s her eager and ready to listen to what he has to say.

 

“Fine but I call Godmother!” he hears Raven shout over Octavia.

“No? That’s not happening?” Octavia snaps.

 

Bellamy rubs his hand over his eyes and sighs deeply, he turns the volume of the radio down slowly until both girls could no longer be heard.

 

Clarke was laughing at him, full blown laughter. “I regret telling her.” he laughs on his way over to her on the couch. He snuggles in behind her while she hums in contentment. He has her sitting between his legs. He hums along with her when he leans his chin on her shoulder.

 

“What’s being read to the little one today?” his hands come under her shirt to her stomach.

 

She clears her throat and begins. _“People of Orphalese, beauty is life when life unveils her holy face. But you are life and you are the veil. Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror. But you are eternity and you are the mirror.”_

 

He recognizes this immediately, it’s the same book, the same line he read to her in the library. The Prophet by Khalil Gibran. The same lines he read to her that reminded him of her. He couldn’t help but blush when she turned to look at him.

 

“I know it’s not original but I loved it when you read it to me.” She smiles and snuggles back into his hold.

 

Bellamy stills for a moment and she feels it at his fingertips. There was something so breathtaking about this moment, it rendered him speechless. Maybe it was the way her voice carried those very words, maybe it was his love for her, maybe it was the fact that she didn’t forget that moment. After they read to one another something had changed, they wanted to work together to heal each other and they did just that. He didn’t know if she caught on to his choice of what to read, but all in all he was trying to tell her that he found her beautiful. It seemed she knew after all.

 

“Read more.” he insisted, his voice much of a stutter. His eyes don’t leave her. She intrigues him over and over, it is countless, endless.

 

She flips to page eighteen and reads _“You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and he bends with you with his might that his arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness; For even as he loves the arrow that flies so he loves also the bow that is stable.”_

 

He doesn’t know what causes him to feel such a stillness he’s never felt before. He relates it to when he first held Clarke. There is something about this moment that has him held so tight. He figures it may be him finally realizing that there is so much more to this than simple reading; she’s reading to the baby, _his baby._

 

“Bellamy...are you alright?” her soft voice calls him from his thoughts.

He clears his throat, stuttering still. “Yeah...yeah I’m alright.”

“You’re not, what’s on your mind?” she shifts in his hold again, tilting in his direction to look at him.

He sighs “This whole baby thing..” mumbling now, his hand runs soft circles on her stomach and around her waist, his touch is ever so gentle. “I think I’m just trying to get used to it.”

“Me too.” her hand covers his. “I’d be lying if I wasn’t excited though.”

 

_Excited, when all Bellamy can feel is nervousness, fear._

 

“You’re not afraid?” he asks curiously.

“No, I’m not, are you?”

“No.” he lies “I’m not.”

 

* * *

 

Bellamy spent the remainder of that day in the gym. He was doing all he could to distract himself from the thoughts he was having. His vulnerabilities caught up to him rather quickly. His inability to stop worrying about Clarke being one of them. He thought he could pass it all, that it would pass given time. It hasn’t and it only grows worse. It’s not only Clarke he’s worried about of course, but it’s her body, it’s her life. If she dies, the baby dies. He hates himself for the thoughts he was having but it couldn’t be helped. As he lifts the weights in the room, as he does push ups, he comes to terms with the fact that he can no longer go on like this. He can’t come here every single time he feels this way. He has to face it, like Clarke taught him all those days ago..against that tree.

 

_You have to face it._

He swings his gym towel over his shoulder and decides to head to the library. His frantic behavior wasn’t going to get him anywhere, so instead he decides to read. The books he’d usually go for weren’t going to cut it.

 

_Sorry Alexander The Great_ , he mumbled to himself as he trailed his fingers over the spine of the books. Reading the spines one by one to find just the right ones.

 

He picks up a few and they aren’t just any books. Holding them in a stack he carefully brings them to the front of the fireplace and sprawls them out in a haphazardly manner before taking the small notepad on the nightstand and his glasses.

 

The pen was held over the paper for a moment, he shakes his head from the uncertainty and writes.

 

“Notes for the baby”

 

_No_. he scratches that out.

 

~~_"Notes for the baby."_ ~~

_“Notes for Clarke and the baby.”_

 

_Better._ He smiles confidently.

 

He flips through numerous books that have to do with pregnancy, the baby and the overall process in general. He doesn’t want to miss anything that could be potentially important. He’s made mistakes in his past and he knows how to correct them, and by god if he could help it he wanted to prevent anything that could possibly come as harm to Clarke. He would never let anything he could prevent touch her, he would do anything for her.

 

He goes through the do’s and don'ts on how to hold a baby properly, he laughs at the illustrations. He even jots down points of what to do for Clarke. Heating pads, comfortable sleeping positions, even ways to massage and comfort her.

 

He pushes his glasses up his nose as they slipped every once in awhile. His curls fall in his face and he couldn’t could care less. This was all for her.

 

He hates the fact that he has to read the negative parts too, things that could go wrong even if he’s cautious. He worries for Clarke and now he has even more to worry about. If he has to spend every night in this study space preparing for this, then he would happily.

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke puts on a beautiful nightgown she finds in her closet; it’s a dark navy blue. It surprises her that she hardly has a belly, but the parting between the nightgown at the stomach leaves room for her fingers to rub where the baby sits. She decides to make Bellamy a coffee, not too much sugar for the sweetness that is him. She remembers something he said to her.

 

_I get all my sweetness from you, so I don’t need a lot of sugar._

 

Or so he claimed anyway. She takes a herbal tea for herself and adds mixed berries into it. She misses coffee but she knows that it’s no good for the baby. The tea helps her sleep and puts her anxiety on a controllable level. In truth she was worried, she was scared, but she didn’t want to tell Bellamy. Telling him would mean he could worry even more than he probably is; which she guessed he undoubtedly is and won't tell her either.  A trait they shared and it wasn’t entirely a good one. They helped one another through everything but hated the idea of burdening the other with problems.

 

Clarke walks the halls and the feeling of the hardwood on her feet was cool to the touch. The warmth of the beverages in her hands matches the warmth she feels in her heart for the boy she loves. The closer she gets to where she knows he is, the smile creeps on her face.

 

She leans against the doorway and the sight she see’s is not entirely shocking.

 

Bellamy has his legs crossed, his nose buried in a book, a pen on his ear and he looks to be mumbling. He puts down the book and writes down something on a full notepad and goes back to repeating the process.

 

She waits for a while. “What are you up to in here? You’re awfully quiet.”

“Did you know babies can taste the food you eat?” his voice is quirky. “That’s so cool, I better cook like a professional.”

Clarke laughs. “Yes, they seem to enjoy berries so I add them to tea now.”

He looks up from the book and smiles. “Berries huh.”

“Yes, and a hankering for this professionals pasta.” she pushes off the wall and walks to him.

“You made me coffee, I swear sometimes I think you can read minds. Mine in particular.” she joins him on the floor and he takes the coffee from her, he kisses her cheek. “You look lovely.”

“I found it in the closet, it looked comfortable.”

“You look like a berry, yourself.” he teases as his eyes follow along the lines of the book he’s reading.

“You like berries too.”

He looks to her and his little laugh turns into a grin. “Miss know-it-all.”

“I learn from the best know it all there is.”  He quirked his brow as he takes a sip of his coffee.

“Implying something?”

“I’m implying that I’m in love with the biggest history junkie in all of what’s left of humanity.”

 

He genuinely laughs at this. Maybe it was listening to her voice tell him how much she loved him, that she was in love with him; or maybe it’s how she looks tonight.

 

“Well that makes me the man who’s in love with the only artist left of humanity.” He moves closer to her and she puts her head on his shoulder.

“I think we make a great team. - so long as, you know, you don’t try dropping me into a pit of spikes again.” she grins.

“Listen here princess, you were a pain in my ass.” he smirks as he tucks one of the long blonde strands of hair back behind her ear.

“You liked it.”

“Maybe I did.”

 

There’s a pause of contentment before Clarke asks a question that leaves him stumped.

 

“Do you think it’s Thea?”

He stills at this. “Clarke, I don’t think that’s possible.”

 

Her emotions are playing games with her, she knows his words are true.

 

He watches a tear trickle down her face.

 

“Clarke...I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.” his fingers caress her jaw and he kisses her gently.

She laughs through the tears. “It’s just hormones, ignore me.”

He picks up a book and points to a page. “I read about those, this one says massages help.” he puts the book down after he says that and takes her legs, pulling them so she lays down.

She giggles at this. “Bellamy what are you doing.”

 

He sighs “Smartest girl I know and still can’t figure out the tiniest things...” he pokes her nose.

“Hey..” she frowns. “You’re not the easiest human being to figure out.”

He takes her hand and kisses in her palm, her knuckles, down her wrist. “You figured me out, I’m in love with a genius. Clarke Griffin, the puzzle master.” He announces proudly.

He leans over her now, his knee is between her legs.

“I know who Oppenheimer is.” she mocks. He leans down and kisses her softly.

 

They get lost for a while.

 

They walk to the garden, hand in hand; they talk stories of the friends they miss and how eager they are to see them again.

 

They decide that both Raven and Octavia will be godmothers, because _lord_ knows they wouldn't ever be able to pick between the two of them.

 

As he walks her across the bridge, Bellamy stills to the sight of her, she notices him stop.

“Bellamy?”

He sighs “sorry, still a lot on my mind.” His eyes wander her form and land on her stomach.

“Still worried?”

He's stutters, a constant wonder of how she knows what's on his mind no matter what. “Something like that.”

“What is it?”

“Everything I touch” he starts and he breathes a heavy sigh. “It shatters. Everything I touch shatters.”

“That's not true.” She protests. “That's not true at all. I'm still breathing and you love me. All parts of me. You touch my skin and I'm still whole.”

“That's not what I meant.” He rubs his hand through his dark locks and grows flustered.

“Then what is it Bellamy?” Something in her voice changed. It was harsh and bitter.

“What if the kid turns out like me. Clarke, how are we supposed to raise a child in _this?_ ” He gestures to the room around him and she knows full well he's talking about more than just the house. He's talking about their _life._

“Bellamy...things will be different when everyone comes down.” She tries to calm him and the hostility within him, the hurt, the harm, the weight comes crushing down.

 

He doesn't mean harm to her personally, but this has been held in. He's contained too much inside, it all comes out and his insides hurt.

 

“Clarke. - our life will never be normal and you know this. When _they_ come down, you honestly believe that everything will be at peace?”

 

She knows what he's referring to. The ongoing conflict between the thirteen clans had come to a pause due to the events of Praimfaya. It's true, his point is valid and it is something to fear even if that fear is minuscule.

 

“They’ve changed and you know this. They listen to your sister, they have been listening since the conclave.” Clarke sighs.

“Once they are given freedom; the right to choose how to live, they will seek to take it as soon as their feet hit the ground. - whither you like this or not, you're still Wanheda to them.” He's honest, though his words feel like poison. The thing about Bellamy is he's incapable of being dishonest when it comes to the safety of Clarke and his people. It's a trait he always had. He's worried for her safety, he knows grounder traditions. Even though she saved them once again, the bringer of death, the woman who killed the men of the mountain, that wouldn't be forgotten easy.

 

“And what of you?” She frowns and she spits. “You aided in the mountain assassination. This is your child. This child is nothing but one of killers.” As quick as she is strong, she breaks. It doesn't take long for tears to fill her eyes. “Our child is one of death.” She repeats her words.

He closes the space between them, forgetting all of his thoughts for the moment. He holds her close and her cries muffle into his shoulder, the tears dampen his shirt.

“Clarke...I will protect this child with my life.” He whispers softly into her hair. “I'm scared too.”

She didn't have to speak it to tell him she was afraid. It was something they shared.

“I'm terrified. The grounders, they know of us. They know of Wanheda, they know I love you. They know what we did. Our child will be feared.” Bellamy winces to her words and he rocks her slowly. His hand finds the back of her head and his eyes close shut.

“The baby will be safe.” He tries to reassure her.

“How do you know?” She pulls away from him.

“I'm trying to have faith. It's not entirely working but it's getting there...I let my fears get the best of me. I'm sorry.”

She smiles. “Faith is good.”

“I just don't want our child to be feared the way we are. I want them to live in peace. I'm afraid we will never get that.” He sighs and half smiles back.

“So long as we never stop trying for peace, we can obtain it.”

“It's worth a shot.”

“You're definitely a good one.”

“Not according to Raven, I'm a bad shot.”

“Well Raven wields wrenches so who is she anyway.” Clarke teases.

“The godmother to our child.” Bellamy sighs.

“You're so over dramatic.” She pokes him in the stomach.

He leans down and kisses her on the cheek. A glimmer, something familiar, something warm catches in his eyes when he looks at her, she _feels_ it.

“What is it…” she whispers softly,

“A garden.” He mumbles.

She reaches up to play with a curl at his forehead. It tickles his face and he scrunches his face. He blows the curl away and she goes to move her hand, before she gets the chance he takes it in his own.

“You're a garden. A garden in which a flower blooms. Though we don't know it's color, I know that it will be the most beautiful flower I've ever seen.”

“Are you getting poetic with me, Bellamy Blake?” She smirks.

He kisses her hand all the way down to her wrist, over top her knuckles and her palm. “Maybe this house is getting to me, maybe it's those baby books....maybe it's you.” His hand comes to her waist and stomach now. It sets fire to her core.

“Or maybe it's the flower.” She finishes his sentence and her hand comes atop his.

He leans his forehead against hers.

“Definitely our flower.”

 


	17. Call upon Caerus.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Happy one year.” She chirps with a fork full of pasta in her face.  
> “One year?” He quirks his brow.  
> “It's officially been a year since we got here. I know it's grim sometimes but...I found happiness here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is shorter than normal but for good reason.  
> I've opened up several possibilities with this story line, stay tuned! xx

FOUR MONTHS LATER.

 

When Abby calls, Clarke finds herself in one of the medical rooms more often than anywhere else. Of course to check on the baby no less, but Clarke grows tired of the feeling of being monitored. She knows it’s in her best interest to follow as she’s instructed, but she’d admit that this house weighs heavy upon her shoulders, and so do the people who worry far too much.

After Abby’s check up call, Clarke sits on one of the medical beds and talks with Raven.

“So you and Luna have been spending a lot of time together..” Clarke teases.

“Yeah I can't deny that” Raven says happily. “I really fell for her, pretty hard at that. I'm happy though, happier than I've ever been.”

Clarke smiles at this, her friend deserves so much more than she's ever been given and as of late Raven is the happiest she has ever been.

“I'm really glad Raven, you deserve that happiness.” Clarke smiles too.

“Same for you Clarke. I can't believe I just needed to lock him up with you in order to get him to finally admit defeat.” Raven makes cheeky remarks about the all too familiarity with Bellamy’s feelings for Clarke. As they said; the entire camp knew.

Clarke’s smile continues as she listens to her friend further. “I mean, if you're pregnant he must be doing something right.”

“Hey...hey now. None of that talk.” Clarke waves her hand in front of her face. “I can't even think about that stuff anymore.” Her hand goes to her stomach which feels like it's grown six sizes. She's four months along or so and she feels like she's already ready to pop. Clarke likes the feeling of the baby being there, but she worries, she feels like she should be feeling the baby move by now.

“That's normal and one of the few things I learned. Your mother has me reading what feels like a thousand baby books. As if we’re going to be there.” Raven huffs to the thought of a very overprotective Abby. It seems like both Abby and Octavia had become drill sergeants with Clarke and Raven was feeling it in full force too.

“Hows Bellamy handling it?” Raven asks curiously.

“He’s moody.” Clarke answers.

“Why’s that?”

“He’s worried that the grounders won't accept the baby; because I’m Wanheda. He brought it up a few months back and he’s been worried ever since.” Clarke’s eyes wander to the door half expecting him to be there. He spends most of his time reading and the other half sleeping. She could tell he’s stressed but he won't say a word.

“That seems like a reasonable thing to worry about though Clarke. The grounders believe traditions far more often than anything else. It’s difficult to get them to use tech, let alone disregard traditions and such.” Raven answers honestly.

“Do you think you could get Octavia, I need to talk to her.” Clarke hesitates for the moment. Octavia isn’t the easiest person to talk to, but she feels of all people she can trust her now more than ever. They had their differences in the past sure, but that wouldn’t stop Octavia from protecting her future family.

“Yeah, definitely. Take care Clarke.” The radio goes silent as Clarke waits for Octavia. It takes her a while to finally come in contact with the young leader, and when she does a surprisingly chipper voice appears.

“Hey Clarke.” It’s Octavia, and happy as ever to speak to her.

“Hey Octavia, how are things?” Clarke starts off with easy conversation.

“Being a leader is difficult, but your mother works magic with people so she’s been a great help. What about you? How's the little one? Hows my brother?” Octavia asks as if she’s been waiting to pry all day.

Clarke chuckles “The little one is good.” Her hand rubs circles on the bump. “Your brother is well...being your brother. That's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about.” The radio goes silent as Octavia listens in closely.

“Your brother is worried that the grounders won't accept the child because of where the child comes from. I'm still known as Wanheda.” Clarke sighs after she finishes speaking.

“I'm worried about that too, to be honest. I haven't announced it yet because I felt the same worry.” Octavia's answer startles Clarke more than anything. She was half expecting Octavia to go on a rant defending the grounders as she normally would. This time Clarke could hear that Octavia was worried too.

“The grounders, they expect me to lead them ever since I won the conclave but...I'm not you, or Bellamy. I don't know how willing they would be to listen to me once we get down there. They still heavily believe in tradition. This thought has crossed my mind more than once.” Octavia finishes what she has to say and Clarke feels her fingers press into the mattress below.

“What are we going to do…” Clarke asks, she's now worried.

“I will have to figure something out, but for now, this child needs to be kept a secret. As much as it's a child, you're Wanheda and my brother is the man who assisted you all this time. They know who he is and who he is to you.” Octavia tries to laugh. “As bad as this sounds, you're both bringers of death in their eyes, they fear you both.”

Clarke tries to find humor in it. “If they fear us they ought to leave us alone.”

“I wish it was that simple. It's amusing how they think that if two people of “power” come together, that their child could be some kind of immortal human being. - Bell used to tell me about Achilles, his story is a lot like that.” Octavia smiles and Clarke can hear it in her voice.

“I get that story time now. He likes to read to the baby.” Clarke's hand plays at where the baby sits.

“Grade A nerd if you ask me.” Octavia teases. “He's always been like that, right from when I was a child. He used to let me get on his back and he would run around our home and pretend to take me places I would never be able to go.”

“He's told me.” Clarke smiles.

“He got a job on the guard to keep food on the table. I could hardly say I deserve him.” Octavia sounds regretful.

“He loves you very much, that's why he would do anything for you.” Clarke answers. “Don't feel guilty for things you can't control.”

“It's stupid I know, I just wish I could repay him for all he's done for me.” Octavia sighs heavily and Clarke could hear the burden of leadership in that breath. The stress is an all too familiar one, mixed with something else. It was different, nobody ever had siblings, the Blake’s were different.

“You do repay him. You're good to me, you're going to be even better to the baby. He's never going to expect anything from you Octavia.” Clarke answers honestly and the tone of sweetness to her voice is settling to the wicked thoughts that cloud Octavia's mind.

“I've been ungrateful. Hell I wouldn't be surprised if he loves you more than me at this point.”

“That's not possible, you're his sister, you're blood. That's special and that's something I will never be. Don't forget where you're from now that you're a leader, you're still Octavia Blake.” Clarke smiles now, it's genuine and she can hear the chuckle from Octavia.

“You're right Clarke.” She pauses. “Thank you, I really needed this. After Lincoln died, I didn't think much of myself or the people around me, especially Bellamy. I was unkind to him and I didn't realize where the blame was supposed to be put back then; I took the easy route and used him as a punching bag...literally. I have been half the woman you are to my brother, and for that, I not only thank you...but I consider you family too.” The softest Clarke has ever heard Octavia’s voice, she wishes she could record this moment forever. The warmest feeling radiated through her body, and just as it did, the baby kicked.

Clarke squeaked with joy. “What what is it?” Octavia asked with a mix of panic and confusion.

“O, the baby kicked!” She cheers. _Finally_ , she thinks.

Bellamy is at the door rather quickly, it comes as no surprise to Clarke. “What? What is it?” He's out of breath.

“The baby kicked!” Octavia cheers of the radio. His eyes glance to the radio, then to Clarke in a questioning manner. The easiest guess is he ought to be questioning why his sister and Clarke were talking, given the past disagreements between the two of them it would be questionable.

“Come here!” Clarke waves in his face. He walks to her and she drags him by the hand over to where she sits. She places her hand where she felt it.

“Oh Bell, I'm so excited for you!” Octavia’s voice is cheerful and a thousand questions ran through his mind. As much as him and Octavia had worked things out, they still had a lot of healing to do. Things weren't the same and never would be. So for him to hear her in such a state of bliss, he couldn't help but question the atmosphere in the room. His eyes go to hers and Clarke's are glistening with fresh tears of newfound happiness.

He feels movement and his eyes widen. “I'll be damned.” He mumbles and it turns into joyous laughter. This laughter was different than anything she had ever heard before. She watched his cheeks go a tinge of pink, and his eyes glistened too.

“Isn't it great? God I wish I could be there to feel those little toes!” Octavia continues on. “You take good care of her, or I'll come down there.”

“Yeah” Bellamy hums, his brows still furrowed in confusion. “I will.”

Clarke's fingers play at his and the movement below it. “O, you're family too.” She says quickly before Octavia leaves. She hears a hum of contentment followed by radio silence.

“What was that all about?” He looks to her still stricken with waves of confusion.

“Your sister and I just had a talk, that's all.” She smiles contently.

“About?”

“Everything.”

“That's descriptive.” Bellamy rolls his eyes.

“Bellamy honestly, it's nothing too serious. She just needed somebody to talk to.”

“Nothing meant to offend you, but I would like to know.” Bellamy's glare is hard.

“We talked about the baby...and you. That's all. She regrets the way she treated you, she regrets a lot of things she's done in the past. She's learning how to be a leader, she's worried about the baby’s well being too. What else do you want me to say?” She sighs. “We need to keep the child a secret.”

Bellamy lets out an irritated noise before he speaks. “You've got to be kidding me.”

“What?” She asks.

“How are we supposed to keep this child a secret, when it will be four and running around?” She didn't think about that at all.

“We’ll figure something out. We have a lot of time until then, okay? You're panicking.” Her hand comes to his and he tenses. “You're worried about things that we have more than enough time to figure out. Bellamy look at me.” Her fingers graze his chin. “We'll figure something out.”

He sighs heavily. “Will we?”

“Yes, we always do.”

“I'm constantly worried about everything and I know it must be making things worse for you. You've always been a bit more level headed than me anyway.” He half smiles.

“It's because you have such a big heart. You love and you worry. There is nothing wrong with that Bellamy.” Her hand finds were his heart sits on his chest.

“So...Octavia said something about family?” He says quietly.

“She said she considers me family, she thanked me for taking care of you when she did what she did to you.” Clarke braced for it. In all her moments with Bellamy, she never asked where he got all his scars. Mostly because when he got them, he still hated Clarke for what she did.

Bellamy took her hand and kissed her knuckles. “I let her beat me up, after Lincoln died.” He closed his eyes to the sensation of her skin on his lips. “I let her beat me senseless for something I didn't do.”

“Why Bellamy?” Her brows meet at the center of her face.

“It was the only choice. It's what happens when you're a sibling. You do things, unspeakable things, you take on burdens you shouldn't. That's what it is to be family. I'll be damned if I let anyone touch you.” His hand grazes overtop where the baby sits. “Or our child.”

“I know you won't.” She smiles and it's brighter this time.

He leans his forehead against hers. “Now, let's get you something to eat.”

“Good thing too, I'm sure that's why he’s kicking.”

“He?” His eyes widen.

“I think so. Just by how my body is feeling. My mother says depending on the gender sometimes you can feel it. He's getting strong.” She grins. “Just like you.”

Bellamy grins back, it's wild and fierce. It's almost as if she could see confidence brewing in him once again. His heart ten times its size.

He kisses her softly and sweeps her in his arms. She squeals and the room echoes with laughter and glee.

“Better feed him, then.”

 

* * *

 

Bellamy cooks for them, he makes the traditional pasta she and the baby seems to favor. She wiggles with enjoyment as she takes every bite and he admires her.

 

“Happy one year.” She chirps with a fork full of pasta in her face.

“One year?” He quirks his brow.

“It's officially been a year since we got here. I know it's grim sometimes but...I found happiness here.”

He musters up a sad smile, he knows this place has been good to him too, regardless of the past. The nightmares are of other things and his past a mere flicker between his new found problems.

 

The nightmare he once was has a strong effect on him today. It effects his child's life. The choice he made in Mount Weather branded him and Clarke.

All in all he refuses to let that happen. He would never let anyone lay so much as a finger on Clarke or the baby.

 

He hopes that he's something to fear.

For once in his life he hopes people fear him to a point where so much as looking in his direction warrants death. He'd say it was more of a wish, a hope for change. A hope for the better. A hope that he can be a leader when life calls for it, in four years when they get out of this safe haven.

 

_Oh the world may crumble, it may be engulfed in the flames created by his very own hands, but not a single flame would touch her._


	18. I count four in the garden of Eden.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The burning love he holds inside himself for her is what keeps him going, he knows this now.  
> For all he’s done, he’s a better man when he loves her, that’s enough for now.  
> He lays tangled in the bed sheets for a while and falls asleep to the sound of Clarke singing to the baby.  
> It’s more than enough for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been entirely too busy to update, so I hope you enjoy. Thank you for having patience with me. xx

“Have you decided on a name yet?” Octavia asks curiously as she awaits her brothers response. 

“Clarke’s been looking through just about every book in the library to find something she calls, “inspiring” he laughs as he flips through one of the books he’s reading. 

“I know. If it’s a girl just name her Octavia.”

“That’s not happening, O. I can hardly handle one of you, let alone a second.” He teases.

“You think you can handle a second Clarke? - That’s hilarious” Octavia teases back as the conversation with her brother goes light. Ever since Clarke had announced she was pregnant, and ever since the days seemed to pass by, Bellamy and Octavia had time to work on their relationship. To fix what was broken was a start, to maintain it was another story. When Octavia had the time, which she seemed to find often, she desired to spend her time speaking to Clarke and Bellamy. In a way it passed time both on the ground, and on the Ark, no neither could complain. 

“Clarke isn’t - never mind. She’s a handful, I’m aware.” 

“I was about to correct you but I’m glad you caught yourself, you didn’t spend every waking second following her around down there for nothing. It’s admirable though Bell, I’m only kidding. It was cute and something I had never seen before, you know, my brother falling in love?” Octavia’s tone changes to one he hadn’t heard before. There was something far different with her connection with Clarke that made her soft toward her more than anyone else. He knew it had to do with the baby, but more so the way she took care of Bellamy. He knew more than anyone that Clarke would always support him, though it seemed that others had noticed it too. 

“It’s funny.” he mumbles as he flips through the pages of the old book. “I hardly noticed myself doing it.” 

“Believe me, I know. It was admirable how you stood by her, how she too stood by you. Now once we get down there, you two will be something to fear.” she says it confidently but catches herself in her own words as Bellamy sighs on the other end.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make it sound like that.” She’s immediately apologetic. 

He lets out a deep breath. “It’s alright. I’m just worried, how are we supposed to raise a child, when we aren’t accepted. I don’t want to live my life on the run anymore Octavia, I want to live in peace.” 

“I know Bell, and I will do everything in my power to make them see that Wanheda and her lover, are not bringers of death.” She tries to reassure him.

“Do they seriously call me that.” he deadpans and Octavia laughs on the other end.

“You know how they work with the story telling and name calling.” 

“They could have at least given me a name that’s scary, if I’m going to be feared I want to actually be feared so they leave me the hell alone.” 

She laughs again. “Earth really wasn’t a cup of tea that you enjoyed huh.” 

“Honestly, the peace I’ve had this last year is all I could ever want. Once everyone comes down again, it’ll be over.” he runs his fingers through his hair. It had been a while since he cut it and the curls are doubling. 

Octavia pauses in thought before she answers him. “You know that the life we live will never be peaceful, right?” 

“This place still has me thinking idealistically. It's peaceful here, deafeningly quiet at times. Clarke and I are still learning to accept it, after all we have done to get where we are, do we even deserve it?” 

“If anybody deserves happiness, it's you and Clarke.” Octavia answers honestly. “Bellamy you took on everyone knowing full well that you didn't truly have to. You came to earth for me, and lead the camp.” 

“I didn't do a good job all things considering, so many of them died.” 

“Bellamy, you can't save everyone, but if it counts, you kept me alive all this time and that's gotta count for something. You deserve happiness Bellamy. - I bet if you asked Clarke, she would agree with me. In fact go do just that, go ask Clarke if you deserve happiness.” 

Bellamy knows what Clarke would say. She would tell him that the things they have done to survive didn't define them. More than likely she would repeat familiar words to him, letting him know that who they are and who they needed to be to survive were two very different things. The life he used to live is long gone now, but that doesn't stop his mind from wandering, desiring to remind him that he's done unspeakable things. 

Bellamy sits in silence when Octavia leaves. The radio silence is comforting to his thoughts. 

Clarke has accepted the decisions she's made, he thinks she's stronger than him in a lot of ways. It's been over a year since Praimfaya, longer since they first landed, but his thoughts and memories of his choices, the decisions he's made, he can't shake them. 

He thinks that maybe he deserves this. All he has done has finally caught up to him and he's incapable of being truly happy. Bellamy spends a good majority of the rest of his day laying in bed, appreciating the way the soft fabric feels along his chest as he lays on his stomach. His dark curls tangled in his face and nothing but a dim light to keep him company. It’s symbolic to his life and the chaos that shrouds him, the light being Clarke. 

In the past few months, he’s been able to put together another radio, so he knows that Clarke’s probably gone and done check ups on the baby with Abby, and now he can hear loud music and Clarke’s melodic voice through the beat. He assumes she’s continuing with her regularly scheduled painting sessions she has for herself as she sings to the baby within her. Bellamy finds a small smile peeking at the corner of his mouth when he can hear her talk to it.  _ “So what should we paint today? - Should we paint daddy? I think we should paint dad.”  _

It warms his heart that even in a short period of his absence, she never forgets to talk about him. Although she seems oddly chipper, more so than she usually did. He assumes she’ll mention it later, or it could just be a positive review of the baby’s process. 

 

His chest grows two sizes and becomes warm to the thought of her. He smothers his face in his pillow, but it’s not joy he feels. A sinking pit in his stomach tells him that he doesn’t deserve this, it’s repetitive, it’s the same feeling he’s had since the moment he got here. Any small amounts of happiness is dampened by the thought of his demons. He knows now it’s just him torturing himself, but what he has done, he cannot forgive himself for.

He hates the knots that develop in his stomach, they almost hurt. He wants to scream, feel something other than the tight grip of his past. He wants to feel love, he wants to feel something that’s not numbness. It coils and tightens like barb wire around his body. 

 

_ When does the pain end?  _

 

He supposes he should be thankful that Clarke isn’t feeling the way he is. The baby has changed her. If she wasn’t pregnant, he could only assume she may be in the same boat as him, but because she does have a child on the way, Clarke has cast aside all her past memories, all that pains her, because anything that could harm the baby, she doesn’t want - that includes her memories and thoughts about the past. 

 

The burning love he holds inside himself for her is what keeps him going, he knows this now. 

For all he’s done, he’s a better man when he loves her, that’s enough for now. 

He lays tangled in the bed sheets for a while and falls asleep to the sound of Clarke singing to the baby. 

It’s more than enough for now. 

 

* * *

 

After she finishes a small painting of Bellamy, she washes her hands off from all the paint she manages to get on herself. She supposes it’s symbolic of her life, it’s never been easy. Now in this home, she’s found love and it’s an entirely new experience, she’s found small pockets of peace, and now she’s experiencing happiness. She’s become a little self conscious about the baby’s health, so she spends a lot of her time in nutrition books to see what she can use to supplement maternity pills. Bellamy’s distant, but he’s never forgotten once to help her out. He’ll massage her when she’s sore, and read to her when she’s having trouble sleeping. Her favorites are the stories he tells about his past, which he’s far more open to telling her now.   

 

Bellamy’s never been open to anyone, not entirely - but with Clarke? He’s learning that he can, and that’s steps on it’s own. Clarke however, refuses to push him or make him feel like he has to unravel. One thing she absolutely loves is that she gets to experience Bellamy laugh, truly laugh, not small puffs under his breath, full blown laughter like a child. -  He tells her stories of his mother, and what it was like to work on the guard, and he won't shy past the embarrassing memories, because he knows the stories are in safe hands.

 

Clarke wanders down the hall as she hums and sways, her hand carefully rested on her ever growing belly. The warmth she feels as she becomes a mother, knowing full well the father of her children will always be Bellamy. 

 

As she comes to the bedroom, Bellamy’s laying haphazardly across both sides of the bed, his arms tucked comfortably under a pillow and his curls hanging in his eyes.

 

“Hey” he mumbles.

“Somebody looks comfortable” 

“It would be better if you two joined me, I want my Clarke.” he reaches out and gestures grab hands. 

Clarke giggles. “Actually, I need to talk to you about the baby.” 

 

He sits up pretty quickly to this, his brows furrow in concern. Clarke stares in awe for the moment, the way his olive skin looks across the white soft bedsheets, he looks like heaven. 

Those god forsaken freckles that she knows the child will have, his deep eyes bore into her and she wishes in moments like this that she will never forget anything about Bellamy - ever. 

 

“What about the baby? Are they okay? Are you okay?” he spews questions left and right, so paranoid ever so quickly. Clarke waves her hand in her face to dismiss his worry as he finds himself moving toward the edge of the bed.

He sits in anticipation.

 

A small smile curls at her cheeks.

“I hope you’re okay with a boy.” she mumbles, she watches his eyes widen. 

“A boy?” he repeats, his hand finds his jaw, and a smile forms very quickly. “We’re having a boy?”

“Ah-ah-ah wait.” she puts her hand up before he rises to meet her. 

He’s puzzled by her actions, but his smile doesn’t leave. 

“A girl too.” Her eyes glimmer, and his widen once again.

“Wait, what?” 

“Bellamy, we’re having twins. - two babies.” she nods. “My mother said so, we ran a few tests and well, it’s a boy and a girl.” 

Bellamy’s completely lost it, his eyes are glimmering and he shakes his head. He rises from where he was sitting on the edge of the bed. “Two” he repeats.

“Yes, Bellamy. Two, one for each hand.” 

 

He walks to her and cups her face, giving her the softest of kisses. She returns them with ease, but she can’t help but laugh. His hands find her stomach now, and he kneels down to lift up her shirt and kiss the bloom of her stomach. “Two” he repeats again. His voice is full of thrill and excitement, and the shit eating grin on his face won't leave. 

“Yes Bellamy, two. - my goodness, you weren’t this excited when I first told you.” 

“This entire thing” he starts. “I’ve been blind to it, mostly because I’m not entirely sure how to be a father, but Clarke….this is incredible, it all is.” He lays kisses in between his words. Her hand covers her mouth in awe, also the feel of his stubble makes her chuckle. 

“Freaking two! I can’t believe it.” His eyes are starry, his world feels lighter. He rises quickly and takes her hand pulling her toward the bed. He lays her down and lifts her shirt. 

“Hey so, this is dad here. Let’s not beat mom up until you come out okay? Then we can get excited.” His hand rubs in circles and just as it does he feels a kick. 

He erupts with laughter. “Hey!” Clarke pouts. 

“I think they agree.” He grins cheekily and she smiles back as he peppers kisses all over her face. He lays down next to her and pulls her as close as he can. 

“So everything is going well?” he asks her as he tucks a lock of her hair behind her ears. His eyes still glowing from pure joy. 

“Everything's perfect.” 

“For now at least right?” he smiles softly, attempting to rid himself of potentially harmful thoughts. 

“I don’t care what it takes Bellamy, my children will not be feared over grounder traditions. Just because I’m Wanheda to them, doesn’t mean my children will be harmful. I will make them see that, your sister will too.” Clarke smiles back.

“Yeah my sister is really something isn't she. You know now that it's two children, she will stop at nothing to show the grounders that peace is attainable.” 

“That's the thing, the children will be safe. I don't know if I will be.” Her eyes wander away from his face. 

“No, nothing is happening to you either.” 

“Bellamy, they don't forgive easy.”

“Then they can have me instead, I'm just as guilty if not more than you. I helped kill that army that was sent to protect us. I'll take your place.” 

She shakes her head and tears begin to form. He wipes away the tears. “None of that. Either way, everything is going to be okay,  _ I promise _ .” 

“I won't let anything happen to any of you.” She says firmly. “It's not happening - they will feel Wanheda’s wrath if they so much as think they can touch my family.” 

“Now now we talked about this, it's princess, not Wanheda.” He teases “princess was first.” 

She smiles at this. “Brave princess?”

“Yes” he laughs “my brave princess.” 

“Can we shower?” she asks sweetly. 

“Of course, or do you want a bath instead?” 

“Bath, but you’ll join me right?” 

“Always.” 

 

So Bellamy runs the bath and his mood changes entirely. He’s humming and tapping his hands along the side of the tub. Clarke can’t help but grin to the sound of the man she loves. He’s changing and growing. Her heart is ever so warm, her body pools with heat to the thought of the fact that Bellamy’s children are growing ever so quickly within her, they will grow up by his side, he will teach them all he knows and more. He will love them endlessly, as she loves him. That eternal love they share, that’s enough for them. 

 

She’s lost in thought until Bellamy calls from the bathroom. “Coming?” 

When she enters the bathroom, she’s surprised to find candles lit on all corners of the bathroom and a very happy Bellamy awaiting her, sitting on the edge of the tub.

“What’s all this for?” 

“Just c’mere” he takes her hand pulls her towards him and settles her between his legs. 

She kisses his nose, then his two cheeks, then his forehead. 

“Two?” he asks again. 

“Two.” 

 

The remainder of that day consisted of holding Clarke in the warm bath, telling her stories of mythological creatures, insisting that they be prepared for the radioactive animals that may still roam the planet. She tells him how lucky she is to have him, and he tells her just the same.

 

For all the world is quiet, it’s just the four of them now. 

 

“Clarke?” - “Bellamy?” They are pulled out of the peaceful moments by Raven’s voice, Bellamy slips out from behind her where he had her held, ties a towel around his waist and goes to find the radio. He brings it back and responds.

“What is it Raven?” 

“The storms...they’ve stopped. I can see green.” 

“How is that even possible?” Clarke asks. 

“It’s like only a small part of the planet...wasn’t touched. Remember how I told you that 96% of the earth would be uninhabitable?” 

“Yes of course.” 

“Well you’re on that 4%” 

“We went outside, we saw it. We saw the destruction, I was in it.” Clarke is confused now more than ever. A matching face of confusion meets Bellamy too, he runs his hands through his damp curls. 

“That’s the thing. I’m under the impression that once the storms stopped, the house and the land around the house, it’s a special piece of land. I mean Becca was a genius, so I can only guess that she prepared drones, or already planted seeds to bloom once the environment was right, God I have no idea.” Raven mumbles clearly still analyzing the data she’s received. “If my calculations are correct, all of us will be safe to come down within a year.” 

Clarke’s eyes widen and so do Bellamy’s. 

“This house still has so many secrets.” Clarke mumbles. 

“Does it ever” Raven practically cheers. “Dare I say it, Becca continues to surprise me.” 

“Are you sure that’s what’s happening? How green is it from up there?” Bellamy asks. 

“It’s not an enormous amount, but you did mention a greenhouse?” Raven responds casually, her mind still occupied. 

“Yeah, the green house.” Clarke nods.

“I can guarantee that’s where it’s all come from. It’s not just a decorative green house. It’s made to help grow after destruction.” Raven confirms her theory. 

“How is the soil capable of retaining the nutrients it needs to grow, none of this makes sense.” Bellamy shakes his head. 

“No, no it makes sense. Remember Luna told us of the prophecy? Of the two people who would help restore peace to the Earth. It only makes sense that this house is a form of a garden of Eden.” 

Bellamy grins at the restatement of Genesis, it was one of the gardens he told her about months prior. 

“The grounder stories they tell, it’s all connected.” Raven mumbles. “All of it is connected.” 

“So the house, the garden is restoring the planet?” Clarke asks.

“Becca was always prepared, so she had to have had drones ready for the coming of Praimfaya. She knew the planet would inevitably be destroyed. Clarke, when she told you about Praimfaya in the City of Light, did she mention a way to save us all?” Raven asks curiously. 

“No, but she instilled hope in us, she believed that we could find something, that we could thrive.” Clarke answers. “Allie on the other hand, insisted I let the City of Light thrive.” 

“The yin and the yang, the dark and the light both thriving together to push against one another. One attempting to end mankind, the other knowing it would live so long as she gave Clarke faith. - Amazing, simply amazing.” Raven is baffled beyond comprehension. 

“So Luna’s stories are all true then.” Bellamy adds. 

“I had spoken to Gaia not long after Luna’s talk with you. It is true, all of it.” 

“This is just too much.” Clarke sighs deeply. 

Bellamy walks toward her and kisses her forehead. 

“Everyone is coming home a lot sooner than we thought.” Bellamy mumbles into her hair. 

“Too soon.” Clarke adds. “Way...too soon.”  


	19. How to love yourself.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few weeks after Clarke and Bellamy receive word that their people are to return home sooner than expected, Clarke finds herself frustrated with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to say thank you to those who have had the utmost amount of patience with me.  
> I had a lot of writers block in the last two months and its made it difficult for me to continue on both of the fics I've been working on. I had to go back and re-read a lot of it to truly reconnect myself and I'm pleased to say I'm back.  
> So thank you.

 

There was something so unsettling about the idea of everyone returning to Earth. Clarke supposes she should be thankful that she could see her loved ones soon enough. It’s true she missed them dearly. However, she was expecting it to be years from now. The peace she had with Bellamy she feared to be unobtainable, she feared it would vanish into thin air, when they come home.

 

She was angry.

 

It had hardly anything to do with the fact that she’s Wanheda, or the grounder traditions that would weigh upon them. It was the simple fact that it only felt like she was just starting to enjoy her new found life with Bellamy. It wasn’t perfect, they were still healing, but by God was it ever something she holds onto so tightly.

She paces the four walls of the library, desperately trying to push negative thoughts out of her head. Her fingers play at her ever growing tummy, and the flutters she feels from the children remind her to stay calm. A book in hand, and her thoughts going a mile a minute. That’s how Bellamy finds her.

 

“Clarke?” she hears him call her, but she’s so passed frustrated that it’s hardly audible.

“Clarke….” he repeats, softer this time. The confusion rises in his face. He just watches her pace for the moment. Taking in the beauty that is Clarke. No matter what she has herself doing, he will never stop being captivated by her presence.

 

She’s reading a book, but he can’t quite catch the title as she speeds by every ten seconds. Instead of trying to shake her resolve, he picks a book off the shelf, not entirely mindful of his choice due to the fact that he wanted to keep out of her way. Picking it he finds himself on his chair, slipping those glasses on the bridge of his nose. He flips, and listens to her huff under her breath. She’s talking to herself - again. Whatever it is that she’s got going on inside that wild head of hers, he will wait to hear it.

 

He knows it has to be something good. It’s been awhile since he’s seen her this worked up.

He sits with his ankle on his opposite knee, his eyes wander to find her every so often, then back to the book he picked up. It feels like forever, it feels like she won't speak, but as he waits for her to erupt, she does accordingly.

 

Stopping dead in her tracks, dropping the book to the floor below her, she spits. “I don’t want them to come back.”

Bellamy’s low laugh almost irritates her, but she remains cool as he replies. “And why is that?”

“They will come down, and ruin everything.” She pouts.

 

He wants to laugh, but he doesn’t push further. Her anger at this topic, be it weeks later amuses him. She had to talk about this now? Did it take her a few weeks to realize that the peace they’ve obtained could be ripped directly from them due to conflict with the grounders?

 

“We’ve established this already Clarke. That’s exactly what happened when we first landed.” Bellamy’s tone is venomous, but he doesn’t mean it to be.

She scoffs. “It’s not the same...we were invading their land then. Now it’s just childish. It’s so ridiculous that I’m some kind of death bringer, and now that I’m to have children, they’re bringers of death too. It doesn’t make sense!” she flails her hands in the air in defeat. “Why should my children have to suffer for the terrible things I’ve done?”

Bellamy feels that one. It’s familiar, it never leaves his mind. He thinks back to a few weeks before, when he was laying in their bed just soaking in his demons.

He lets out a small sigh. “They won't suffer because of what we did.”

“How?” her eyes lock onto his. He feels like her glare could cut him in half.

“So long as we don’t let it…” he says softly. “The thing’s we have done don’t define us. They don’t make us who we are regardless of what those around us have to say. C’mon Clarke, use your head here for a second. We bear it so they don’t have to, right? That’s what you said countless times. Why is this any different?”

 

Her eyes widen as realization passes through her. It feels like she’s been shot. His voice so full of truth, his strength and resolve. Bellamy had become a lot of things in the time he’s spent here, but he’d be damned if he let his children feel any of it. He remembers what he went through when he was a boy. His mother's choices directly impacted his life, and Octavia’s. If there was anything he learned from those experiences, it’s that he never wishes to become something he cannot control. Now that his life has solid foundation, he wishes to keep the demons on a leash. His children will be cherished, protected and loved endlessly. So long as he didn’t bring them into anything, they would live happily.

 

She looks to him again, her eyes are full of sadness. “I don’t want to make the mistakes my mother did…”

He rises to the occasion, he knows she’s about to break. Even still he gives her a moment as he says. “We aren’t on the Ark anymore. We aren’t those kind of people anymore. Even those living up there...that isn’t a way of life anymore Clarke.”

Fresh tears spill from her eyes, but the thickness in the air leaves her unwanting of that love he gives. It isn’t him that makes her this way. It’s her eruption, it’s the truth to his words that she desperately needs to hear.

“We can’t afford to be those people anymore, not after everything we’ve been through.” he adds slowly, taking cautious small steps towards her. As if the world below him would crumble, and he’d fall into the fiery depths of hell.

“What if I can’t let go of who I once was. Bellamy...I’m-” she stutters. “I’m terrified. I really thought I had this whole mother thing down, I was excited...and now..I’m so afraid Bellamy. I’m a monster.”

 

The inner turmoil he knew would never truly disappear. What they had to do, how they had to adapt to the world they were forced into. It made them human beings who did questionable things to survive. In those flesh eating moments, the ones they remember that crawl at their insides. They were the right decisions, the right calls they had to make at the time. If it’s Clarke pulling the lever to close the dropship door on Bellamy and Finn, or Clarke and Bellamy pulling the lever in Mount Weather to irradiate the level, killing hundreds….it was the right choice.

Deep in her heart, he knows she knows that. The healing...was entirely a different story.

With decisions to kill or be killed, they live on through you.

 

“You cannot let your choices define you Clarke. You’re not a monster….” those slow steps he takes become stiff as he hesitates. She’s fragile, she’s shaking, she’s distant.

She lets out a pitiful laugh. “But I am a monster, I bring death to everything I touch.”

“That’s not true.” he protests. “I’m still here.”

“You’ve almost died at my own hands, if I didn’t give you my blood, you would have died. Don’t you see Bellamy? Everything I love, everything I touch, I destroy.” Her voice is broken, and the sobs are shaky.

He stops walking, and she notices immediately. “Clarke, don’t you see?” he smiles. “I was already broken, you just put me back together.” he takes a deep breath before he continues his point. “You saved me. From myself, from my demons. The things that drown me, you saved me from. You and I, are one in the same. Let me...show you, let me guide you.”

“I’m an empty man, I always was. I had one true intention, and that was to look after my sister. Now I have you, I have all three of you, and you gave my life meaning again. When we got here, I wanted the black rain to eat and tear away at my skin, because I thought you were better off without me. Then you told me to lay with you, to stay, and I thought to myself once again, after everything, this woman in my life told me she needed me. Right from the beginning she gave my life meaning, and now here we are. I ask you this, will you let me change your life, the way you changed mine? Will you let me in, let me heal you.” He reaches his hand out to her.

 

She takes in his words, and she inhales sharply, wiping the tears away she closes the distance between the two of them, taking his hand as it shakes in his.

His hand comes up to cup her face, and his eyes shimmer the way they always did when he looked at her. She nods slowly, and leans into his hand.

 

“I will spend the rest of my life loving you, until you love yourself.” He presses his forehead against hers. “No matter how many odds may press against us, we still thrive. - Together.”

She nods again, and a small smile creeps up on her. “You don’t think I’m cursed?”

“I think that things have happened for a reason, with or without your touch. Things happen, and are meant to happen the way they do. Death doesn’t follow you Clarke, it’s a part of life and it encircles the Earth. I need you to understand that.” He presses a kiss to her forehead, still holding her hands, he caresses them slowly.

“You’re not scared of being a father?” she asks, the fear very clear in her voice.

He lets out a genuine laugh. “I’m terrified, but the funny thing I’ve learned about myself, is for whatever reason, I’m never terrified so long as you’re by my side. Once more, into the Fray.” he announces triumphantly.

 

Clarke laughs at this, he’s always been able to make light out of her darkest moments. This one being one of the darkest moments she’s ever had. The fear of parenthood, the fear of who she is creeping up on her and reminding her of all she has done. However, she is reminded that she never truly did it alone, because she had Bellamy.

 

“Kick-ass” she poses with him.

 

They’d be alright for a while.

* * *

 

“So let me get this straight, I can’t teach your kid how to throw knives?” Murphy asks with that same coating of sarcasm to his voice that they’ve grown to love.

“Ah, that will be a no from me John Murphy.” Clarke is dicing up fruit in the kitchen while Bellamy talks over the radio.

“C’mon Clarke, I mean think about it. The little ones need to protect themselves.” Murphy replies smoothly.

“That’s what I’m here for.” Bellamy replies nonchalantly. “And, Clarke, you, Monty, Raven, O, the list goes on my friend.”

“You’re both lame. It’s that parent thing kicking in, isn’t it? - Now that you mention it I guess it started when we landed. Mom and Dad of the hundred.” Murphy teased.

Bellamy shakes his head and Clarke lets out a giggle. “Hilarious. Anyway, could you possibly get my sister and Raven, I have some things I need to talk to them about.”

 

“Sure thing, take care guys.” He lets them go, and for the moment it’s quiet.

“You know” Clarke starts as she puts half a strawberry in her mouth. “I’ll never get tired of the banter between the two of you.”

Bellamy laughs too. “Ah, yes, the possibility of us strangling one another is quite a breath of fresh air.”

“You know what I mean.” Clarke rolls her eyes as she pops the other half of the berry in her mouth.

“Bellamy?” Octavia’s voice calls in a sing-song fashion.

  
“Hey O, how are things?” Bellamy asks casually.

“I could call them good, I guess.” She sighs. “It’s like one thing after the other up here, I swear.”

“What do you mean by that?” Clarke asks.

“Well...I’m officially Heda now.” Octavia announces and Bellamy’s eyes quickly dart to Clarke’s when he hears the news, he swallows hard. “Which is weird.”

“Being a leader, I thought that was yours and Clarke’s job. Now I’m one too, I’m not just some random sky girl who won the conclave, I’m so much more than that now.” Octavia finishes.

Clarke says what Bellamy cannot. “That’s amazing Octavia. You’re going to make the perfect Heda, I know it.”

“Thanks Clarke, it officially makes me the coolest auntie ever?” she laughs. “What about you Bellamy? What do you think?”

It takes him a moment to register he’s being talked to “Oh, I - It’s wonderful O.”

“Don’t sound so excited.” she deadpans.

“You know how I feel about it all Octavia. I just want you to be safe.” Bellamy replies quickly.

“Don’t worry big brother, this is something I most definitely have a hold of. Which means…” she pauses and you can hear the excitement begin to lace itself within her voice. “I pardoned you both, you’re no longer Wanheda! The label is forbidden!” she announces.

Clarke nearly drops her plate. “What?”

“I said, you’re free.” Octavia repeats again.

Clarke’s hand comes to her mouth, and she cannot believe what she’s hearing. It doesn’t stop the happy tears, it doesn’t stop the smile.

Bellamy makes a pout as he watches Clarke fall apart again, this time in a fashion he’s not familiar with. It’s glee, it’s excitement, it’s...perfect.

“Octavia….I don’t know what to say I’m -”

“Clarke, don’t say anything. It’s the least I could do for you. After all you’ve done for us, for me, for my brother. You saved us all, you’re a hero, and you deserve to live peacefully when the time comes for us to return.” Octavia speaks confidently, and Bellamy takes these moments to walk to Clarke, and wrap her in a warm embrace. She cheers, and he leaves the receiver on.

She wraps her arms around his neck, and the excitement fills the room.

 

“Thank you Octavia.” Bellamy replies too.

“Anything for my big brother.” You could hear the young Blake’s smile.

“It wreaks of happiness in here, I hate to intrude, but you all have a second?” Ravens voice calls off the radio.

“What is it?” Clarke asks as she untangles herself from Bellamy’s hold.

“I’ve been running numbers and logistics, and I believe we could all be home within the next six months. However the problem lies within the ship itself. In order to get us to the ground again, we will have to build ships from the parts of the Ark we could use, or pilot the ring through the atmosphere and hopefully land on something soft.” Raven finishes.

“Is it even possible for you to pilot the ring. It has controls, I remember from the few times I was in the command center, but can you really pilot that thing?” Clarke asks as she picks apart her memories of what once was a familiar environment.

“Well it’s not impossible persay, but it’s tricky. It’s not piloting anything that’s the issue, because we know I can do that. It’s reentry into Earth's atmosphere that’s the issue. There are so many variables that need to be thought about and gone over. Monty and I are doing what we can at the moment, but I don’t think we will be coming down as soon as we hoped.”

 

Clarke would be lying if she didn’t feel relief as she let out a content sigh. It wasn’t that she didn’t want her people to come home, it just gave her more time to live in peace before this solitude was removed for good.

 

“Do what needs to be done, like always.” Clarke says confidently. “It’s not ideal, and I know we wanted an early return, but it needs to be done safely. So get that beautiful brain working on a solution that brings you safely.”

Raven smiles at this. “Thanks Clarke.”

 

Bellamy nuzzles his nose into her neck and tickles her with it. She lets out a fluttery giggle that makes him feel like he’s got the rest of the years to come to listen to that.

 

“So.” Octavia changes the subject. “Are you going to name the girl Octavia or what.”

Bellamy sighs. “No, she won't be named Octavia.”

“You suck, you know that?” Octavia pouts.

“Have you guys even thought of names yet?” Raven asks.

“Honestly, I’m waiting for one to truly stick. Two names to catch me, it will come to me, I know it.” Clarke answers honestly.

“I’m sure we’ll think of something.” he presses a kiss to her nose.

“We always do.” Clarke sways in his hold.

 

* * *

  
It’s a few days later that Bellamy finds himself lost in a dream.

 

He’s wandering that familiar forest, a young Clarke to keep him company at his side. He’s young, he’s the man he once was all those years ago. Clarke’s walking with him, this time she’s reading out the coordinates of where the bunker with supplies are. He relives that trip with her, he teaches her how to shoot. This time, of all times, Dax’s bullets land, and once again Clarke dies in his arms. He knows these moments are dreams, he knows when she dies he will wake and she will be not too far from where he is.

 

It doesn’t stop the tears from flowing when he’s stuck in his dream. Paralyzed, unable to wake for a few short moments. He’s covered in her blood, and her cries of pain are heart wrenching.

 

He hums all the pretty little horses to her, and he tells her brokenly that everything will be alright.

 

It fades to black, and he’s woken viciously from his sleep. Desperately catching his breath, he’s sitting up as the blanket slips off his chest. Clarke is asleep next to him, and for once she doesn’t wake to the disturbance. He’s glad, and breathes a sigh of relief. The Clarke in his dreams is always so young, so naive, and somehow he can never save her. This is the second time he’s dreamt of her, and he’s been unable to save her.

 

A parallel universe, one he wishes to never live. The experiences he’s having in his dreams feel so real. He wakes and he can almost feel the blood in the creases of his fingertips.

 

He slips out of bed and goes to shower. He feels disgusting. He feels responsible. After he spends too long in the shower, he wanders into the bedroom, his hair still dripping from the shower, and a towel held loosely around his waist. Clarke is still fast asleep, dreaming of what he hopes to be pleasant. All is quiet in the world, it’s always quiet.

 

As his heart calms it’s racing speeds, and he reminds himself these are only dreams. He knows he’s done good. He’s kept her alive all this time. He runs his hand across his face, hoping to wipe what still feels like her blood.

 

His silent suffering is what he expected, and they come in forms of dreams, of his old self failing to do what he did right. It felt good to be the one making the right choices. It felt good to be the one saving her. Maybe it was his mind playing games on him. His hyper awareness of possible failure catching up to him.

 

He watches her stir out of her sleep, and she groans lightly and her hand comes to her bump.

 

“What is it?” he asks quickly, his voice laced with worry.

“They’re having a dance party in there….c’mon I just want to sleep.” she groaned irritably and he laughs and lays next to her.

She’s half asleep, and her eyes peel open to look at him. “You’re naked.”

“Why yes” he flips open his towel.

“Get some clothes on you neanderthal.” She waves him away and buries her head into her pillow.

“Neanderthal? I thought you liked me a bit more than that.” He teases his hand down her back.

“All three of you are keeping me up.” she groans. “Go to bed, that’s an order from mom.” She barks and he laughs.

“Yes ma’am.”

“Aw c’mon now I feel old.”

“What do you want from me woman.” he whines as he crosses the room to his dresser.

“Come here...and cuddle me, get them to stop tap dancing on my bladder.” she whines back.

He slips into a fresh pair of boxers, and he’s at her side just as quick. He slips his arms around her and pulls her back to his chest. “Better?”

The fluttering stops as Bellamy’s hands rub circles around her bump.

 

“Yes.”

 

_Maybe he could get some damn sleep._

 


	20. Ardent.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “O. - I need to talk.”
> 
> She answers almost immediately. “Bell? Bellamy what’s wrong.”
> 
> “Clarke…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At last, my hiatus is over and I'm back to writing again.  
> Thank you all for being patient and understanding.

There were many things that have woken Bellamy up in the past. Yelling teens, gunfire, explosions, the list goes on, but he never figured the feeling of his hand being kicked would be one of them. Below his hand is Clarke’s stomach, and below his hands is two very restless infants.

 

He grins at Clarke’s groans of irritation. “Get. Them. Out.” she whines. 

“I think it’s kind of cute.” He mumbles as he presses kisses to her neck. 

“Yeah, maybe if you’re not the one dealing with it.” Clarke replied sarcastically, fussing out of his hold. 

 

Clarke sits up, her baby bump showing each and every day, the hem of her shirt slowly creeping up revealing her belly button. Bellamy leans on his arm to watch her, it’s something he could never tire of. 

She reaches her arms up and stretches, and her blonde curls fall off her shoulders. Bellamy takes all of it in, she's intoxicating,  _ she’s everything.  _

 

“I don’t think you realize what you do to me.” Bellamy mumbles as his eyes dance all over her.

“Hmm?” her eyes peel open from her long stretch, and she turns to him with a smile that’s all cheeks. “I think I know a few things I do to you.”

“Do you now.” he challenges with a smirk. 

She puts her finger to her chin as if to think. “Well for starters, I totally drove you crazy from the moment we met.” She teases.

He chuckles. “That you did.” 

“I’m clumsy and somehow we always landed in hot water, which we almost always found a way out of.” 

“We did, didn’t we.” 

 

They smile at one another, and he leans in to kiss her cheek.

 

She pulls away too quickly and he groans in irritation. 

“Hey, none of that.” She kisses him on the cheek as well. “I have to get up and get my day going, I have to call my mother, it’s baby check up time and I wanted to get that out of the way relatively early so I don’t have to spend most of my day in that crammed little room.” 

He makes a little noise of agreement, and gets up to follow her into the shower. 

They don’t say much, they don’t have to. Their eyes always say enough. 

 

_ I love you. _

 

_ I know. _

 

_ Always? _

 

_ Always. _

 

\---

 

“So how's Bellamy?” Abby asks as she makes small talk with her daughter over the radio. They discuss things like this while they wait for results on the babies. Abby has a full detailed chart in one of the rooms up on the Ark, she writes down and records everything, not missing a single detail on the well being of her daughter.

“He’s good, getting better every day.” Clarke mumbles idly as she watches the computer screen. 

“And you?” Abby asks. 

“I’m good….just hanging in there I think.” Clarke replies casually. 

“That’s good.” Abby replies. “The babies seem healthy, but it’s you I’m concerned about at this present moment.” 

“Why” 

“You’ve always been very small, and I’m just worried when the time comes that you may be too small to deliver both children naturally. - It’s not always an issue, and you should be fine, but I worry that this may be very hard on you.” Abby answers, and the air in the room grows thick. 

It takes a while for Clarke to respond. A thousand and one things flash through her mind, and she begins to worry. “Nonsense.” Clarke sighs. “I’ll be fine.” In her mind at that very moment, her words are very clearly there to convince herself this. 

 

She worries about having to tell Bellamy.

She worries about the babies.

 

_ What could possibly go wrong next?  _

 

* * *

 

Clarke makes her way to Bellamy, padding down the hall rather quickly. Her anxiety is at an all time high since she spoke to her mother, and all she needs right now is him. 

 

She finds him in the garden, planting lilies of all colors. Tilling the soil, and watering them. 

“Hey princess.” he smiles to greet her, his hands filthy and a bit of dirt on his nose. His smile quickly vanishes as she begins to walk to him, he watches her wobble, a hand going up to her forehead to feel her temperature, and she feels herself faint and suddenly  _ exhausted. _

He jogs the short way to meet her.

 

“Clarke!” 

 

He catches her in time before she passes out in his arms.

 

* * *

 

“Abby, I need Abby.” Bellamy calls into the radio. He has Clarke in his arms, and he gently sets her down on the bed. He removes the small cardigan she's wearing, worrying that it may be a fever, and attempting to make her comfortable.

He hears mumbles and noises over the radio before her voice comes in loud and clear.

“What is it Bellamy.” Abby’s voice is laced with worry. 

“Clarke passed out she-” he lets out a chilling breath. “I don’t know what’s wrong with her, is she okay.” 

“Let her wake up.” Abby replies quickly. “That’s all you can do at this moment. Check her pulse, how quickly is her heart beating.” 

 

His reaches his hand to her neck and hesitantly places two fingers at her neck. 

 

“Count them. I’m going to time it, for her it should be seventy beats per minute due to the fact that she’s pregnant.” 

“Starting…now.”

The silence is louder than his heart beating in his ears. Before the minute is up, Clarke’s eyes flicker open. 

“She’s awake.” Bellamy says quicky. His hand moving from her neck to her face as he leans in to press his forehead to hers. “Thank God.”

“What happened…” Clarke mumbles. 

“You passed out.” Bellamy replies.

Abby doesn’t wait. “Clarke, are you eating enough? And are you stressing yourself out over this pregnancy.” Her questions sound more demanding than anything else.

“I eat like I normally do...and yes of course I’m stressed out because of this.” Clarke replies with a bit of hostility, she leans up on her elbows and props herself up against the headboard as if it accentuated her words.

“What don’t I know?” Bellamy looks to the radio, and then to Clarke’s worried blue eyes.

 

A long pause before he hears abby let out a deep breath. “It isn’t likely, but I’m concerned Clarke may not be able to handle child birth. One child is one thing, but two children is far more difficult, it will be hard on her body, and I fear for that.” 

 

“Why can’t she handle it?” He asks, his voice cracking with concern. 

“I’m small Bellamy, occasionally smaller women have a hard time giving birth naturally. The only other way to do it is a cesarean section, and we can’t do that alone.” Clarke answers his question and his eyes meet hers. Something like fire, and the coldest of ice she sees in his eyes.

 

_ They can never catch a break _ .

 

“Look Bellamy, there is not guarantee this will be the case. I brought it to Clarke’s attention because I figure that it’s worth knowing and possibly being prepared for.” Abby exhales again. Her breathing is unnerving. 

“So what happens if this is the case then? What are we to do if she can’t deliver both naturally?” Bellamy asks quickly, not waiting for an answer. “What will happen.” 

“You have epidural anesthesia there,  I had Clarke check, so the birthing process should go by smoothly and she should be perfectly fine.”

“You’re not answering my question, you’re feeding me best case scenario, damn it Abby what could happen? What do we do?” Bellamy hits his fist of the bed frame, and Clarke’s brows furrow in worry.

“We would have to perform a cesarean section, which we aren’t equip nor trained for.” Abby replies.

“I’ll die.” Clarke says slowly. 

_ She’ll die…..? No...no...no. _

“I wouldn’t have a choice Bellamy.” she watches his face lose color.

_ Bellamy...say something...god damn it now is not the time to freeze like this. _

“You don’t know how to properly perform one, it would kill me.” Clarke nudges him. “Bellamy you have to understand that. If we had more people, prepared and trained people, we could do this, but if I can’t give birth naturally, the cesarean section would kill me.” Her voice grows weak. “The babies would be safe...that’s what matters.”

“No” he says slowly. “No. - I’m not going to let this happen _. It won't happen. _ ” 

 

She watches his back as he disappears out of the room. 

 

_ For the love of all Gods...hear me.  _

 

_ I can’t lose her.  _

 

* * *

 

Bellamy spent the last few weeks working on a separate radio that he could use when Clarke had the other occupied, that way he could talk to Octavia at any time, and heaven knows he needs that now more than ever.

Tears leak down his cheeks as he presses the button to call his sister.

 

“O. - I need to talk.” 

She answers almost immediately. “Bell? Bellamy what’s wrong.” 

“Clarke…” he says slowly as he wanders in and out of his thoughts, desperately trying to find what to say. “She could die.” 

“What? Bellamy how.” 

“It’s not definite, but if she can’t give birth naturally...I will have to…” Bellamy’s voice cracks again, and he can’t finish his sentence. Octavia knows enough to know what he’s about to say, and she feels it chilling through her bones. 

“It won't happen.” She says trying to convince herself, and more importantly her brother. 

“What..” he says in a whisper.

“Bellamy...you helped mom deliver me. You’ve got this, Clarke is a strong woman, she can handle this too.” she mumbles. “You never give yourself enough credit, and she deserves it too. Bellamy you helped mom deliver me, don’t you get that? You’ve been prepared your entire life for this moment. You’re going to let fear stand in the way of that?” 

 

Clarke pads to find him, and when she does she sits in the doorframe of the library, listening to the siblings talk. 

 

Bellamy lets out a hiccup between his tears, it breaks Clarke’s heart to see him like this. It’s a moment she’s never going to forget, she’s never seen him this broken, this shattered, this empty. 

 

The fear of losing her alone is enough to drive him mad. 

“I can’t lose Clarke…” Bellamy says slowly. “I can’t do this without her...I can’t.” 

Clarke’s heart is in her throat, tears well in her eyes. 

“You won’t Bellamy. You two have been too far to look at something like that now. You are people from the sky, you stood against an army of grounders, you defied laws, and started a miniature rebellion. People followed you both, you inspired masses, there is no way this will end that. You’ve got this Bellamy.” Octavia’s speech is chilling and honest. 

He lets out a small laugh. “You know every time I’ve ever said I’ve got this, I never truly did. I always messed it up somehow, but it’s funny...it sounds real coming from you O.” 

“Good, now go tell Clarke you love her, and that everything's going to be alright,  _ because she has you.”  _

He hears a click on the other end of the radio, and he lets out a half smile. He gets up to go find Clarke, and is stopped immediately as he turns to look at her. 

He can see tears that have already fallen down her cheeks, and she smiles slowly. 

He runs to her and wraps her in a warm embrace. Letting out a shaky breath, he breathes her in. 

 

That all too familiar smell,  _ Clarke.  _

“She’s right you know” Clarke say’s with love. 

“I’m afraid.” she says again.

“But she’s right, I do have you.”

 

He nods into her hair, still breathing her in to calm himself down, he kisses her temple. When he’s ready he lets her go to look at her, as he wipes her tears from her face, that small half smile exchange happens. 

 

“This is our life Bellamy, it will always be like this...but I’m not afraid...I haven’t been afraid since I met you.”

His forehead touches hers, and her hands find his cheeks.

 

“I love you too much to let you go now. I think about us, our future, and I can’t imagine my life without you. I think about it and I can’t breathe.” Bellamy says softly. 

She shakes her head. “You won’t have to.” 

“Are you sure? How can you be sure.” His grip on her tightens. 

“I just know.” She smiles and his heart skips a beat. He believes in that smile.

“Believe in me.” 

“I do.” 

 

* * *

 

“What about the name of a God?” Bellamy asks as he lays on his stomach flipping through the third baby book he’s gone through since they sat down to relax. Clarke is behind him leaning on the bed frame, nose deep in a similar book. 

“Bellamy….I think we need to think of a more normal name.” Clarke glares at the back of his head.

“What’s not normal about that. What’s normal about our life? I mean think about it, he’ll fit in great with all the ridiculous names we have around.” Bellamy protests. 

“There is nothing truly abnormal about our names Bellamy…” Clarke says as she skims through the H’s on the page. 

“I still like Thea.” Bellamy says honestly. “It’s not her, I know that, but the name...it’s beautiful.” 

“I like it too…” Clarke replies. “But we do need to think of a boys name if we go for Thea for a girl.” 

“What about Jake, after your father?” he turns to look at her and she immediately frowns.

“I don’t want to name him after my father…” her eyes fall away from his. “It hurts too much.” 

He smiles sadly. “Okay...what about Alec?” 

“I kind of like that…” she mutters. 

“what about Atticus?” he mumbles.

“Icarus?” she asks. 

“Are we going for Greek names? And no, Icarus flew too close to the sun and burned alive.” Bellamy teases. “Icarus fell in love with the sun, I think that’s a little more accurate when describing me.” 

“Hey...that’s not funny.” Clarke pouts. 

He rolls over to her, and leans over her blocking her book.

“Hey…” she says irritably.

He looks her in the eye.

“I mean because you’re as beautiful as the sun itself, and you’re going to be the death of me first.” His eyes glimmer with love, and she frowns still. 

 

He kisses her nose.

“Aiden.” she says. “It’s Gaelic, it means little fire, or to be ardent.” 

He smiles genuinely. “Thea, the god of the sun, moon and stars, and Aiden, the boy of fire, the sun.” 

She nods. “I like those.” 

“So unless you change your mind...Thea and Aiden it is.” He kisses her forehead, then trails down to her baby bump, his eyes aglow with love. 

 

_ She doesn’t think she could love him anymore, in this moment, than she already does. _

_ It’s all so real.  _


	21. Where I belong.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She loves him, does she ever love him. The future is coming, the future is them together for as long as she lives, and as love erupts from her throat, forever seems too short.
> 
> “I love you.” She mumbles as he looks over in response. She watches his face soften to her words, and a small smile reaches him too.
> 
> “I love you more.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A shorter chapter, but for good reason.   
> All will be revealed soon enough.   
> Thanks for all the love and support. xx

“Did we ever discuss what’s to happen to this home when everyone comes home again?” Clarke asks Bellamy one day as she’s painting a forest mural on the wall of the babies room. She’s propped on the wall as Bellamy moves around furniture. 

 

He cocks his head as his attention is drawn to her. “What do you mean?” he wonders.

“I mean when the grounders come home, when our people return, will we still live here? Will we share the living space?” She answers him quite wearily. 

“I mean” he coughs. “We’re decorating the room for our children, we’ve made a sustainable and comfortable home here. Why wouldn’t we stay?” 

“I just...I don’t know.” She trails off as her brush strokes down the waterfall on the mural. 

He eyes her, he feels his jaw clench, wondering just how long she’s had this on her mind. “Clarke…” he mumbled idly as he walks to her, his hands go on her shoulders, his fingers ghostly trailing along her neck. 

“I don’t know. I was just thinking that when everyone came home and got settled, they would start building wooden homes, rebuilding villages here in what’s left of the valley. I wasn’t sure if you would want to live in this home, or build one of our own.” She smiles as she feels him so close to her, his chest pressed against her back, his chin now on her shoulder. She feels his eyes watching her paint. 

“I always wanted to build a house. Be a lumberjack, have that house by the waterfall.” He presses a kiss to her clavicle as he dreams of the dream she once had of their home. His dream from the city of light. 

“This house is just far too big for me I think.” She mumbles. “It will be fine for now, but I feel as though we should share it. We live here until we build our own, and from there we leave when we’re ready.” Clarke nods to agree to herself. 

“Doesn’t sound like a bad idea at all. I’m sure Octavia and Abby would love to use this home for its resources. The garden to be public, and the offices and laboratories for everything we could possibly need. They could build a miniature hospital in here.” Bellamy’s voice is full of optimism and faith. The lightheartedness she feels inside Bellamy, just itching it’s way out from beneath his skin. Clarke thinks it’s more than likely his excitement over the babies, though he’d never admit it. 

“You’re happy.” She says with glee. 

“I am.” He mumbles into her hair. “I don’t know what’s come over me this last little while. This house, you...it all changed me. Maybe this is the man I was supposed to be. Before war made me who I became. I can’t say I fancy who I was.” He laughs at his own reply. “Never did I think for even a split second that the blonde princess would fall in love with the rebel.” 

“Rebel prince.” she adds as he laughs. His glasses begin to slip down his nose and he catches them accordingly, pushing them to sit where they should. 

“I could pass on the glasses though.” he adds again. “I look like I belong in a library twenty four seven.” 

“I personally think it looks great on you.” she smirks. _ “A sexy librarian.”  _

A grumble of laughter erupts from his throat. “Is that so.” 

“Most definitely. I kind of like my nerdy, rebel prince. He’s kind of cute you should meet him sometime.” she teases.

“So, you’re telling me that there’s a cute boy wandering around here, and I haven’t met him yet? A damn shame.” he peppers kisses into her neck, and it begins to tickle her as light giggles begin to leave her.

“Bellamy...that tickles, stop it you’re going to ruin the mural.” She pokes his nose. 

“Fine, but if I catch him anywhere near you I’m going to have to give him a nice talking to.” He removes his hold from her and goes back over to what he was working on. 

 

“Certainly sounds like a Bellamy thing to say, so I wouldn’t ask for anything more.” She looks over to him. 

 

Never did he look as good as he does in this moment. Watching his muscles move as he reorganizes the shelf haphazardly, the way his glasses slip down his freckles. She loves him, does she ever love him. The future is coming, the future is them together for as long as she lives, and as love erupts from her throat, forever seems too short.

 

“I love you.” She mumbles as he looks over in response. She watches his face soften to her words, and a small smile reaches him too. 

“I love you more.” 

 

* * *

 

“So you’ve doubled your portions in food, right?” Abby clarifies.

“Yes. A thousand times yes. I feel like a whale.” Clarke replies. 

“Bellamy’s making sure you’re eating right?” Abby says as if she’s checking off a list in her mind. Which Clarke doesn’t doubt that, that’s exactly what’s happening.

 

“Yes Ma’am.” He answers her. 

“I just wanted to bring something to your attention. You were three weeks early, so don’t be surprised if you start to feel contractions sooner rather than later.” 

“Great.” Clarke mumbles. “You couldn’t have brought that to my attention...I don’t know... _ when this was first announced?” _ She sounds irritated and Bellamy is quick to hold her. A soft reminder that he’s here, and that she doesn’t truly need to worry.  _ Not yet.  _

“I’m sorry Clarke. Things up here have been entire hell since we got here, it’s been difficult for me to worry about everyone else and the health of the ark, as well as you. Not to say that I haven’t worried about you, because surely I do. It’s just far easier to push that worry aside, because you have Bellamy there.” Abby answers honestly. 

 

She feels Bellamy go still around her. It’s normal for him to have this kind of reaction to gratitude, he’s been doing it since she met Bellamy. 

 

“I do.” Clarke says. “You’re right.” 

“I didn’t bring it up to worry you though Clarke, I just thought it was more than worth knowing that your babies could be earlier than expected. It’s something you both need to prepare for.” Abby says to them both. 

“Thank you Abby. I will keep you notified if we see any change.” Bellamy says confidently, like he could take on the world. 

 

With not much else to say, Abby is called on the PA system, and she leaves not much of a moment later, saying temporary farewells to them both. 

 

“So...you’re shaping up to be a fantastic son in law.” Clarke quirks her brow at him.  

“Enough of that.” He pokes her.

“Of what” 

“If you call me a son in law, I’m never going to hear the end of it from Octavia. So let’s just...not use that word for now.” he smirks. 

“Can you imagine if Raven got ahold of that information? She would tease you until they came home...and then when they did, she’d tease you more..but with wrenches.” Clarke laughs. 

“Nope.” Bellamy says walking away. “Not happening.” 

Clarke waddles after him laughing, and he swings around to catch her in an embrace. 

She lets out a small noise as he startles her. Towering over her, he says “I wouldn’t say anything if I were you.” 

“Oh and why’s that?” Clarke challenges. 

He walks closer and closer to her as he pins her between him and the wall. A spark ignites, and she feels it in her stomach. Distinguishing this feeling from the flutter of their babies, the same spark he’s ignited in her from the beginning. He leans down and whispers into her ear. “I’ll tell them you drool in your sleep.” He gives her a lip smacking kiss on her cheek, leaving a wicked red blush to coat her cheeks. 

 

“You wouldn't” she pouts. 

“Oh yes I would.” He smirks, winking at her. 

“Okay - fine, you win...for now.” She smiles, her voice fluttery and full of love. 

He melts into her, hugging her tight. He’s got her against the wall, and she melts into him too. They’re mindful of her very visible, and very big baby bump. She lets out a small laugh, and he hums in contentment. 

 

They stay that way for just a little while.

 

No words.

 

They never need any.

 

* * *

 

“You believe in soul mates?” Clarke asks him as they lay in bed. He’s looking into her eyes as he curls a lock of her hair behind her ear.

“I don’t believe in much, but maybe I believe in those.” He answers. “Well maybe not soul mates, not entirely...just fate. The way it works.” 

 

She nods along as she listens to him talk.

 

“The world revolves and goes, we all tell different stories. Even the raindrops, the dew on the grass. It’s all stories. I feel like when it’s the right time, your path will cross with another path, and sometimes instead of continuing on your own path, you begin to walk with the person you ran into.”

“That’s a beautiful way of putting it Bell.” She smiles. 

“That’s what my mother used to tell me when I used to ask her about my father. That when it was the right time I would meet him, that our paths would cross again. It gave me faith...but when I grew older, and I understood the situation...it made me stop believing for a while.” Bellamy’s voice is a song to her as he tells her tales from his past. Something she cherishes more than anything. 

“I really did stop believing for a long time. Then...I met you, I met everyone. It was more you than anything else that made me believe in that kind of thing again. We got stuck here, out of everyone we know, just the two of us. I’d like to think that’s fate cramming us together, as it always has.” 

“Because we always find a way back to one another, right?” She knows this one, because she feels it too. 

 

Somewhere between their stories, they fell asleep.

 

* * *

 

“I swear to God, if you guys don’t answer this radio I’m going to come down there!” Bellamy and Clarke are woken up by the sound of a very angry Raven. 

Bellamy shoots up from the bed, completely and entirely irritated from the way he’s been woken up.

“You know what, the name Raven is appropriate for you because you make noises like one.” Bellamy says irritably as he answers her.

“Well maybe if you guys learned to answer.” Raven spits back.

“We were asleep, Clarke needs her sleep.” Bellamy hisses. 

“I’m awake.” Clarke says slowly from across the room. 

“Harper had her baby.” Raven says. “I felt like you should know that they are both healthy and happy.” 

Bellamy and Clarke look to one another, and they feel it in their heart. Missing such a huge event for one of their friends lives, all because they’re down here. 

“That’s wonderful.” Clarke speaks first. “Was it a boy or a girl? - What did they name it?” 

“It was a boy, and they named it Jasper.” Raven says with glee. 

 

Clarke feels that and smiles sadly at Bellamy. He returns to her side with the radio, and she leans her head on his shoulder.

“Jasper Green.” Raven says. 

“Did they pick a middle name, or are they going to go with just that?”  Clarke asks. 

“Not sure if they’ve decided just yet. I’m sure they will let you know when things get a little more settled for them.” Raven replies. “Anyway, I’m off to go snuggle a baby and teach Murphy not to scare it.” 

Bellamy chuckles. “Enjoy that.”

 

_ “Shut up.”  _

 

* * *

 

“Could you make the pasta again?” Clarke swings her legs on the stool as she sits on it, watching Bellamy putter around the kitchen.

“Again?” he quirks his brow.

“They like it, it seems.” she points to her stomach. “A little too much.” 

“Seems like they have that in common with their mother.” He teases.

“I’d have to agree.” 

“You know how lucky I am?” He says to her while he fills the pot up with water. 

“For?” 

“Having you.” 

“I think you’re forgetting two very impatient children.” She pokes her belly.

 

_ He smiles. _

_ He’s never felt so alive. _

_ Why is it that when all is good, a nightmare unfolds? _

_ He can't let those thoughts get to him, once they do, it's all over. _

_ it's all...over. _


	22. The Undaunted Queen.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the time comes, will you be ready?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy! thanks for reading. xx

“I really don’t want to talk to anyone right now.” Bellamy grunts as he sits in a dark void, awaiting his dreams.

 

_When the time comes, will you be ready?_

 

He swivels his head to the left, to the right, and he can only see darkness. The only thing he can hear is an unrecognizable voice.

 

_Not everyone gets to make it to the promised land._

 

“Who’s there?” He asks as he looks around impatiently, walking in the void for what seems like hours, waiting for a voice.

 

_Are you afraid?_

 

“No” he shouts.

 

_You should be._

 

_What is to happen, if I took away everything you love?_

 

At this point he’s unsure of who’s toying with him, or why he’s hearing this voice taunting at his worst fears. The thought of losing Clarke, the thought of losing the babies. It’s the thing that’s on his mind constantly. To prevent Clarke from worrying, he’s hidden it as he always did. It eats away at him, pries at his dreams that become nightmares. It destroys whatever peace he’s created within him, shaking him to the very core of his soul. When Clarke mentioned that if anything happens to her, as if she were to tell him to live without her, he feared that more than anything in the world. When she spoke those words, he immediately interrupted her as if her words were but a gust of wind, a tiny particle of dust. In reality he didn’t want Clarke’s words to become a reality, which they seemed to have a habit of doing. He didn’t want his harsh dreams to become a reality. He almost lost her after the war with Mount Weather, she left for months and he found her tied to a post. He didn’t want that ever again, now his worst fears are being taunted at him once again, the only person who’s ever loved him for the damaged, broken person he’s become...or maybe he’s always been.

 

_Poor, pitiful, lonely Bellamy Blake._

 

_Couldn’t even live alone if you tried._

 

_Pitiful like your father, a deadbeat human being just waiting for a kiss of deat_ _h._

 

“Get out of my head.” He grunts, completely frustrated.

 

_Should have just let the deathwave kill you, isn’t that what you said when you arrived?_

 

_What? Too honest?_

 

_Only reason you keep living is for Clarke._

 

_Desperately clinging to anything that allows you to breathe. Praying for the forgiveness you never deserved._

 

_What makes you think you deserve to be forgiven after all your sins? As if Clarke’s the only one who matters? What about the lives you’ve taken. Are they for nothing?_

 

“No” “They aren’t for nothing. I did what I thought was best for my people at the time. I made mistakes, I’m not ever going to deny that.” He spits. “I know I’m a monster.”

 

_But Clarke keeps you sane...is that it?_

 

_“Yes”_ he whispers almost as if it’s to himself.

 

_Are you ever going to tell her that you wanted to walk off into that radiation storm? Are you ever going to tell her that it was one of the first things you thought of? To leave her to die in here alone._

 

“I didn’t ever want to leave her!” he shouts.

 

_Too bad, time is running out._

 

_You won't get the chance._

 

_Not really._

 

Bellamy wakes from his dream, his eyes fly open and he’s completely paralyzed. His heart is racing and he can feel it in his ears. The loud thumping, as if drums were being played directly beside him.

 

When he calms himself, he sits up and rubs his calloused fingers across his face.

 

_What the hell was that?_ He thinks to himself. Trying to digest what had just occurred, trying to find out whos voice he was hearing.

 

He looks over at Clarke, who’s fast asleep and as beautiful as ever. The dim light of the room illuminating her golden hair. He can see her eyes moving behind her eyelid, she must be dreaming too. He hopes for her sake, that it’s a better dream than his own.

He gently gets out of bed, mindful of his sleeping muse. Padding to the bathroom, he flicks on the light.

 

_Did I always look like this?_

 

He runs his hand over his face once more, the dark circles appear darker with each passing glance. He’s growing older, his body is feeling it. His lack of sleep, the lack of peace within his soul shows.

 

He leaves the room, letting Clarke have her much needed rest. If he was to be awake, tossing and turning, he could almost guarantee he would wake her. It’s been a while since he sat alone and thought to himself. They seem to be therapeutic moments for him, so when he remembers to take them while he can, he does so accordingly. He wanders in just his boxers, he doesn’t have to be dressed for therapy, _right?_

 

He walks to the library instead. Running his fingers along the spines of the books, as if to say he had a specific title he was searching for. As if he was still searching for anything more than himself. A place he fit in. He finds a book out of place, and he pulls on the top of the spine to pull it out of the spot it sat in. The title was so destroyed he couldn’t make out the words.

 

He walks over to the desk in the far corner of the room, a place that was once a study to whomever stayed in this place. He sits on the chair, and his notes from his last visit still sprayed a mess on the table. He was studying radioactive energy, desperately trying to understand the heavy blanket of energy that surrounded them, that suffocated life. Charts and diagrams, everything in between. He hid a box of cigarettes he found in the second drawer to the left, figuring it was something he could use if he had ever needed it. It seemed to be the case as of late. He lights a match, and pulls the cigarette to his mouth.

 

_When did I become...this?_

 

His first drag from the cigarette is rough, but it wouldn’t be the first he’s ever had. It becomes smooth just as quick, and he slouches against the desk. His right elbow becoming numb to the weight, while his left hand dances with the cigarette between his fingers.

 

The person who had this study felt like an older version of him. It had history books, a small lamp on the desk, a bottle of whiskey in the drawer with a glass cup always on hand. Bellamy takes to the whiskey, and he takes to the book he picked off the shelf.

 

As the golden liquid has a bite, it’s refreshing.

 

He reads.

 

_Now for the moment are your minds removed_

_From everything but loveliness,_

_And you here present, if you’ve ever loved,_

_Loved and wearied of that sweet distress,_

_You who have dearly proved_

_The arrow’s sharpness and the archer’s blindness_

_Remember still, as best behooved,_

_His lovingkindness._

 

The words from the writer sound honest, and they speak to him as if they reveal truth. Be as it may, a truth he can’t accept. Bellamy has lived his entire life looking after others, so much so that he’s forgotten himself. The only one who’s ever remembered to look after him, is Clarke.

He takes another drag of his cigarette, watching the smoke do coils in the air.

Clarke sits at the door frame, a beautiful nightgown flowing around her, feeling a little snug day by day. She followed to where she thought he would be, and here he was, in a state she hadn’t expected.

There was something very raw and human about the Bellamy she was seeing. All his bravado gone, not standing with pride or something to prove. Slouched on a desk, reading a book. A glass of alcohol on the table, and a cigarette playing between his fingers.

 

_When did he start smoking?_

 

The light glow of the fireplace just glows against his face, illuminating his brown orbs that hastily moved left to right as he reads an untitled book.

 

“Everything okay?” she calls to him, and her voice doesn’t quite reach him.

She then walks to him, and he finally peels his eyes from the book. They soften once they see her, as they always did.

“Is everything alright?” She asks with a lace of worry in her voice.

“Uh-yeah.” he mumbles.

“Nightmares?” she asks, already knowing the answer. She knows he doesn’t sleep, and when he gets up to come here, she feels his absence.

 

He only nods sadly.

 

“I thought we talked about forgiving ourselves, isn’t that what we agreed on?”

“Clarke, it’s not that simple for me, you know this.”

 

“I know it’s not simple.” she says softly, sounding ready to cry as tears fill her eyelids. “I just wish you’d talk to me.” The whimper in her voice is heavy on him as he finishes his cigarette, pressing on it to put it out, the burning sensation on his finger waking him up. He doesn’t say anything, he just hisses at the burn.

“God damn it Bellamy, why wont you tell me anything! I need you to tell me what’s going on with you, I need you to let me in!” she cries, all of her anger pouring out of her like wildfire.

 

He gets up from where he was sitting and he closes the space between her. He figures he deserves this, whatever she has to say he can take it. He’s shut her out, he’s done her wrong. He hasn’t opened up as much as he hoped he would, and he never knew that it would be such a challenge.

She looks at him and her eyes pierced through him. Such deep blues to respond. She balls her fist and hits his bare chest weakly. “Just say something!” she prepares her fist again, and he catches it the second time. Shocking her when she feels the warmth of his hand, and his fingers gently touch hers.

 

“I’m sorry I’m not the man you need me to be.” He cloaks her in his embrace. Her cheek against his chest, he holds her with all of the love he has.

“I’m sorry that I can’t love you the way you need to be loved.”

“I’m sorry that I shut you out.”

 

He takes a shaky breath and continues.

“I can’t lose you, and when I think about it, I forget the world around me. I forget who I’ve fought to become, and I become this mindless drone, just waiting for your voice to call me back to the light.”

 

He feels her go still, then soften to his voice once again. As she listens, and her fingertips touch his chest, she can hear his heartbeat. Within a man who’s never felt like he’s had a home, his home is with her.

 

A restless and sorrow filled man, his beating heart. The monster he had always claimed to be, found peace in her.

 

She finally looks at him, and she can see tears sparkling against his eyes. He kisses her softly, as if everything he cannot say speaks for him. He knows that in the end her love will be what brings him back indefinitely.

She touches his cheek, and he leans into her touch. His eyes sealing shut for the moment, his senses alive and filled with her love.

 

She knows how he feels, and she wishes it were different for them. However this is their life now, this is how it has always been, this is how it will always be.

“Let me walk you back to bed.” He mumbles into her hair.

“Take me to the garden?” she says softly.

“Alright. Can you walk okay?” He looks to her with concern, he knows that her back grows sore with each passing day.

“I should be fine.” She returns a half smile as he takes her hand and guides her to the garden.

“Raven says they should be home three months after the babies are born. I think that’s pretty exciting.” Clarke says as they walk together.

“Octavia will be happy.” he says as he follows the tiles on the ground with his eyes.

“She mentioned that the seamstress among the grounders wants to make them clothing for every year, so we have plenty when they arrive.”

“That’s really wonderful.” Bellamy replies.

“We will have to give godparent privileges once they all arrive. I feel as though those types of titles don't matter. All of them will want to be something to the children.” Clarke laughs a little. “Including Murphy.”

“No knives.” Bellamy says.

“When they get older, much, much older maybe.” Clarke smiles at his strict father like behavior.

 

He guides her across the small bridge to the gazebo, and helps her sit down on the bench.

 

“How's your back?” he asks.

“Sore, very sore. My body is just permanently sore now, but my mother says it’s to be expected. I am carrying twins after all.” She says lightheartedly.

He gave her a cheesy half smile as a response, because if he thinks about it too much he will begin to worry once more.

 

They sit in silence for a while, listening to the rush of the waterfall and the sounds of birds. She leans on his shoulder.

 

“I miss Jasper. I wish...I got to say more to him before he..” Clarke says after the long silence. It catches Bellamy’s attention.

“He was a good person, I miss him too.” He says, and his honesty comforts her.

“Do you think he would be proud of us? After how far we’ve come.” She asks sadly.

“I would like to think that all who have left us are proud of us. We have come way too far to look back now.” Bellamy tries to say with the confidence he’s lacking.

“You’re right Bell.” She nods and quirks up. “Do you know what time it is?”

“ _Ah_ \- you still keep track of time?” he laughs. “I don’t remember the last time I paid attention to the time.”

“It keeps me from losing the two marbles I still have left in my head.” Clarke laughs too.

_“Touche.”_ he mumbles.

 

_The voice told me I wouldn’t get the chance to tell her._

 

_So why can’t I speak?_

 

_Why can’t I tell her?_

 

_Why won’t I get the chance?_

 

_I won’t let her die._

 

_She can’t die…_

  
  


_She will, Bellamy._

 

He shakes the voice out of his head, he figures it’s his mind playing tricks on him. He focuses on her eyes instead, her voice. He hears a consistent ringing in his ears.  

He watches her frown quite suddenly and that pulls him back quickly.

“Clarke?” He asks.

 

She winces again, and her hand goes to her stomach.

 

“Bellamy...it’s happening.” she says.

“You’re not due for another few weeks!” he shouts as he wraps his arm around her, rushing to her aid as she tries standing.

“Abby warned us” she says with a strained voice. “I was early.”

He picks her up in his arms, carrying her bridal style. He takes her to the hospital like room where they set it up for when this moment came. He calls Abby on the radio.

“Abby! I need Abby right now.” He demands, and she answers quickly.

“What is it?” worry in her voice.

“The babies are coming.” Clarke says weakly as she works through one of her first contractions.

“God. - Okay, Bellamy we talked about this. Get her comfortable, and I need you to monitor her contractions with her. Stay with her and keep me posted. When the contractions are close enough together, we will deliver the babies.” Abby speaks with confidence, even though Bellamy knows full well that the confidence is wavering bit by bit. She’s as terrified as he is.

 

“The babies are so early.” Clarke says with worry.

“That’s alright Clarke, everything’s going to be okay.” Abby says in her motherly tone.

Bellamy pulls up a chair beside her.

 

“Hold my hand please.” Clarke says softly.

 

He takes her hand and holds it close to his mouth, he kisses the back of her hand, and for the moment, everything is quiet again. The fear of the situation sinking in to all three of them. If this goes wrong, even the tiniest thing could cause an impact so great on their lives.

“Bellamy… I’m okay.” Clarke mutters to him. He believes her, but he finds it hard to focus on her words. A million different scenarios running rampant throughout his mind. All of them with the expectancy to lose the woman he loves.

 

He only nods in response to her voice, what else could he truly say? There isn’t much he could say to himself. To her on the other hand, he could say all he wants.

“It’s really happening Bell, it’s all happening.” Clarke smiles slowly, the pain already talking to her body.

“Has Clarke had the babies yet?!” They can hear Raven and Octavia enter the room Abby must be in.

“No, she’s just beginning to have contractions now.” Abby replies.

“Oh good, I didn’t want to miss it.” Octavia says happily.

“I actually need to focus on helping Bellamy deliver the baby, so I can’t have you both in here. I’m sorry.” Abby breaks the news to them as she should. If Clarke was honest, she’s never been so grateful for her mothers brutal honesty.

“Don’t worry, Abby will call you in as soon as everything is settled, Okay?” Clarke says happily to the two women she loves. She needs them to understand that this is not only personal and private, but it’s a very serious matter that needs to be handled with accuracy and caution.

“I understand” Octavia says. “Bellamy you take care of her.”

“Don’t worry O, it’s my number one priority.” Bellamy says to his sister with full confidence. If Bellamy was good at anything, it was keeping Clarke safe. That was the telltale of their stories together. _A knight by his queens side._

 

_This is more than a knights duty._

_What happens when the knight falls in love with the queen?_

_What if their life is a disaster?_

_What of wisdom, and courage?_

_The future could only tell._

 

Another contraction came, and Clarke squeezed her hand that was knit tightly to Bellamy’s. Watching her go through this, and knowing there was hardly anything he could do, it ate at him.

 

“This is...pretty painful.” She mumbles with a faint chuckle of pain.

“Everything’s going to be alright. You’ve been through worse.” Bellamy smiles at her, wiping away the tear on her cheek. She hadn’t even realized at this point that she had been crying.

 

The contractions continue onward into the night, until they grew closer together. Bellamy prepared for the delivery with a fresh pair of clothing he was willing to get dirty, and at that moment Abby told her that she was ready to deliver.

 

Bellamy readied the station with damp warm cloths, a bin of warm water, and sanitized the area as best he could. He moved two dollie trays with baby cushions and blankets for them.

“Clarke...okay on the count of three I need you to push.” Abby says to Clarke.

“ _I can’t...I can’t..._  it’s too painful.” The beads of sweat drip down her face. This was what they were worried about.

“Clarke... _look at me Clarke,_ you can do this.” Bellamy’s voice calls to her, and she looks at him.

“I’m afraid….” she says.

 

“Clarke just look at me, look into my eyes and focus.” Bellamy says to her, his eyes don’t leave her, his nerves gone away, because she is his top priority. All of his worries, all of his personal fears and thoughts go away when he knows Clarke is in distress.

 

Clarke takes a deep breath, and her body flows naturally with her. She has to deliver these babies. It is the most important moment of her life.

“Good, you’re doing great.” Bellamy coaches her. “Keep going, deep breaths, you’ve got this.”

He’s right there, the babies safely being delivered in his own hands. Bellamy’s helped with this before, it’s all too familiar.

 

She takes more deep breaths and she follows his instructions as he talks her through this pain. She feels numb, but she feels all the pain at the same time.

“You’ve got this.” He says again. As he says so the first baby is delivered, and there sits Thea in his arms. He’s covered in blood, and he can hear the cries of her. The world stops for both Bellamy and Clarke as he cuts the umbilical cord. Clarke peels her eyes open, and she can see Bellamy holding her tight. The most beautiful thing she had ever seen. He takes one of the white blankets and wraps Thea in it, bringing her to Clarke to hold.

 

“Look at our girl, Clarke…” Bellamy hands her to Clarke.

“Thea...hi princess.” Clarke mumbles. “She’s so tiny…” rocking her slowly in her arms.

“One more Clarke, that’s it. Just one more time for me. Can you do that?” Clarke lets out a half smile.

“One more.” She repeats.

 

“Want me to take Thea?” Bellamy asks and Clarke nods. He has just a few moments to calm the baby before he has to deliver the second. He rocks and calms Thea in his arms, carefully placing her into a soft baby bed.

Clarke wails in pain, and Bellamy snaps back to reality.

“One more Clarke...we’ve got this. You got this, okay? Just look at me, breathe and look at me.” Bellamy repeats his words as he talks her through the second delivery. He didn’t think his world would stop for a second time, that it would freeze in a matter of moments, and here he was holding a second child, Aiden. He repeats the same process, only this time he wheels over where he has the baby beds on the trolleys right to Clarke’s side.

 

Clarke’s crying from pain, and happiness.

 

“Bellamy you did great.” Abby says. In honesty she knew they could do it, there wasn’t much of anything that the two of them couldn’t get through _together_. As she heard him talk her through it, she realized that they didn’t really need her help at all.

 

“Aiden…” Clarke says softly as she watches Bellamy hold both of the children in his arms.

“One for each hand….” she says as she watches Bellamy watch the children in complete adoration.

“I promise, I won't let anything happen to you.” Bellamy says softly, as he repeats words he thought were long forgotten.

 

Clarke’s head hangs low with exhaustion, and Bellamy notices her immediately.

 

“Abby, Clarke is really pale…” Bellamy says, his voice now laced with worry. He places both of the children back on the bed.

“What’s her heart rate at on the monitor.” Abby asks.

“It’s really low…, Clarke can you hear me?” He’s close to her and he takes her head in his hands.

“No…” he says softly. “No no..” he shakes her.

“Abby, I don’t know what’s wrong with her!” He says.

“She’s exhausted more than likely, the good news is her heart is beating. Bellamy just give her a moment..” Abby tries not to show fear in her voice.

“Abby she’s not breathing properly,  this isn’t right.” Bellamy says again, his voice raising as much as he could without disturbing the newborns.

“Bellamy, Clarke is alright. I can assure you.” Abby says. “Please just give her some time to rest. Sometimes this happens.”

“I can’t lose her...I can’t.” Bellamy shakes her. “Clarke please…” He thinks back to the voices in his head that called out to him. They told him again and again that he would lose Clarke. Now that was all he could think about in this very moment. “I can’t do this without you…”

 

_Was it all in his head?_

“You _wont_ lose her.” Abby says, and the babies begin to cry.

 

He takes them both, and he cleans them off one after the other. Bathing them in soft soaps, removing the blood from them. The soft cries ringing loud and clear in his head as he cries too.

 

Abby’s gone of the radio for a few moments, telling him that she will be back and that the hospital up there had an emergency. It gives him time to think, it gives him time with the babies.

“Momma’s going to be alright...” He has them both curled up in his arms, warm and cozy in the softest of blankets. Was he telling them, or was he trying to convince himself.

 

Tears leak and poor out of his face. He’s never felt so confused in his life. This is his happiest moment in his life. He’s holding his children, their children. Clarke made bottles of homemade grounder formula that they used in times like these. She had made them incase this were to happen, _incase they were to lose her._

 

He smiles through the tears as he hears Clarke’s heart monitor beating at a steady rate again. She’s still pale, and she’s still asleep, but the thought that they made it through this, the thought of her waking up to see both of her children healthy, that motivated him.

 

Thea and Aiden already had dark hair. Thea’s was lighter, and it seemed she had a mix of Clarke’s complexion, whereas Aiden looked just as Bellamy did in his baby photos he remembers. The soft noises the babies make, they remind him just how pure humanity was once. It reminds him that there is still good in the world.

 

Hours pass, and his arms are tired, but he can’t help but hold onto them, and rock them. He feels as if he could do this forever.

 

He presses a light kiss to both of their heads, the smell of baby intoxicating.

 

Clarke lets out a little noise, and Bellamy is caught off guard when her pearly blue eyes are staring at him with love.

 

“Hey you..” she says quietly.

_“Clarke…”_ He says with relief.

“Can I hold one?” she asks as if she needs to ask.

Bellamy hands her Aiden, and he continues to rock Thea ever so gently. He watches Clarke as she admires him in awe.

“They’re so beautiful” Clarke says. “We did it Bell…”

“We? This was all you.” He smiles.

“Clarke? Is Clarke awake?” Abby asks as quiet as she can.

“Hi mom.” Clarke says happily.

“How are you feeling? How are the babies?” Abby asks question after question.

“Bellamy’s taken care of them while I was resting. As for me I’m sore and in a lot of pain.” Clarke laughs a little while she plays with Aiden’s small hand.

“It will pass.” Abby says happily. “How beautiful are they?”

“You honestly...have no idea.” Bellamy says in awe.

“Did somebody say babies?” Octavia says with glee.

“SHH you need to be quieter.” Raven says in equal volume.

“I wish you all could see them…they’re so beautiful.” Clarke replies.

“Soon enough. Let’s let them rest, shall we?” Raven gets both women off the radio, and the four of them are left with the quiet noises of the babies, and the hums of contentment from them both.

“I can’t believe I’m finally holding our babies…” Clarke says to him and Bellamy hums in agreement.

“This is our life now.” she adds. “We’re a family.”

“You and I have always been family, right from the moment I knew I loved you.” Bellamy says to her. She feels her heart melt.

 

_A family._

 

_Their family._

 

_So….this is what peace feels like._


	23. Ai hod yu in.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The worries of one are the worries of many.  
> Will Octavia's voice be enough?   
> One could only hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote most of this on the plane on the way to Unity Days! Talk about writing in extreme places.   
> thirty thousand feet in the air Bellarke!

Bellamy woke to something different than his regulated nightmares. It wasn’t dreams he was having that woke him, it was the innocent cries of the two, very newborns that just arrived into their lives.   
  
It’s becoming instinctive for both Clarke and Bellamy to be in a half asleep state at all times, just listening for the cries of the two newborns.    
  
He can tell Clarke is far more exhausted than he is. But when she holds them, when she feeds them, it’s like the tired eyes fade away and are replaced with love.    
  
“Want me to check on them? You need your rest.” Bellamy mumbled as he dragged his hand down his face.    
  
“We can both do it, that’s why there is two of them.” Clarke smiles sleepily.    
  
Bellamy would hate when he was woken up in camp. The shouting, the yelling, the complaining. He had about enough of it within the first week of him being on Earth. Though instinctively he took the role of leader, he had to continue to remind himself that the people he was looking after would rely on him for everything. That’s where he thanks Clarke. Without her, he may have lost his mind and ran off into the wilderness.    
  
Perhaps in part of the multiverse, some other Bellamy is completely unrecognizable due to isolation.    
  
He laughs at the thought.    
  
He goes to Thea’s crib, and picks her up gently. He kisses her forehead, and sways softly as he rocks her. When the babies first opened their eyes, both Bellamy and Clarke were astounded to find hazel eyes peeking back at them.    
  
Bellamy’s eyes were the dominant gene, but somehow the mix between Clarke and Bellamy’s eyes, the luck of it, both children were born with hazel eyes. The rarity of it all, and how beautiful both of the children are. They really and truly were blessed.    
  
“You rock her to sleep with no issue.” Clarke whispers from across the room as she continues to rock a very restless Aiden.    
  
“I may have forgot to mention that I have magical powers.” Bellamy teases as his eyes wander the child in his arms. Complete adoration for the tiny miracle that she is.    
  
“Hilarious. You would think that would be worth mentioning, no?” Clarke sticks her tongue out at him.    
  
“Possibly. I do love the element of surprise though.” Bellamy nods along to his own statement, as if that would be new information to them both. “Maybe it’s all the radiation, it gave me powers. Too bad I didn’t grow a second head like that deer.” 

 

Clarke looks over at him and frowns. “You weren’t there for that, how did you know about that?”

“Octavia thought it was one of the best things she had ever seen. When you returned that night, she spent the night in my tent. She told me that even though she was in danger, she had a lot of fun.” Bellamy laughs. “It’s funny how I felt and knew I could trust you with my sister. We were on the ground for like...five minutes?” he laughs again. 

“You’ve always had a pretty strong intuition. So maybe you already knew that I was going to take care of her.” Clarke coo’s at Aiden as the baby makes small fussing noises.

“Clarke Griffin takes care of everyone before she takes care of herself. I learned that quickly, and the hard way.” Bellamy replied, still rocking Thea closely in his arms. 

“Hard way?” she asks

“Throw yourself into danger and I was dumb enough to follow you into any type of storm and chaos. Hopeless fool, desperately in love.” Bellamy telltales. 

 

Clarke blushes and lets out a laugh. “Oh poor Bellamy, I can see that it totally ended out rough for him.” She gestures to the children.

 

“I got the best outcome humanly possible. In this world, anyway.” Bellamy agrees.

“This world?” She asks.

“Clarke, there's a world where the first Praimfaya never happened, the Earth thrived in greens and blues. We didn’t need nightblood to live out radiation, and war was only on occasion. There were no nuclear disasters.” He rocks Thea and places her gently in the crib. Turning to her, he finishes what he has to say. “We meet at a coffee shop, and you’re a posh and rich artist, I’m a history teacher with messy hair and thick glasses. Hell, maybe I’m a mechanic. I hold the door for you, and offer to buy you coffee, I fall in love with those blue eyes, and we talk about Van Gogh. It all happens so quickly. I take you to dinner, and show you the history books I have in my bookbag. We talk all night. I take you home, and kiss you on the doorstep, and we do that over and over again, until we grow old, and we have children. We sit on the front porch of our home, watching our children grow into adults, and remain hopelessly in love with one another. Until I breathe my last breath.” 

 

Clarke placed Aiden down next to Thea, as they finally get both of the children back to sleep. Her heart being pulled in different directions as Bellamy tells her his dreams. She sinks into her stance, and watches as the two babies chests rise and fall. It’s sad to hear all the things they could never have. 

 

Bellamy senses her unease and takes her hand, pulling it toward his lips. “However.” He peppers kisses down her hands, and she lets out a tearful laugh. “I think my life with you now, has been such an adventure, that I don’t think I would choose that life over this. Certainly it would be nice to not have war brewing at every turn, but I don’t think I would trade my life with you for anything. It’s how we fell in love, and I think that makes it the greatest one of all.” 

 

Bellamy wraps Clarke in his arms, and she kisses him deeply. He lifts her and wraps her legs around his waist, carrying her slowly to the bed. Tracing her body with his fingers, memorizing every detail as he always would. He wants to commit her taste to memory, for as long as he lives. 

 

Clarke pulls on his hair, and lets her tongue dance with his. The way he makes her  _ feel  _ says enough. 

He always knows the right thing to say, he knows her, and that’s all she’s ever wanted. 

She’s always associated “I love you” with “Goodbye” - now she knows she never has to, because Bellamy has always been by her side, right from the beginning. It seems as though it will never change. His heart of gold, and she's wrapped so tightly around it,  _ around him.  _

 

She’s sweet as sugar, and she smells like fresh lavender. He couldn’t get enough of her if he tried.

 

_ So this is what being in love is like? _

 

They get lost for a little while. 

 

* * *

 

“Preparations are almost complete up here. It will take another few weeks, but are you guys excited?” Raven asks cheerfully.

Clarke coos at Thea before she replies. “I can’t wait for you to meet these two.” 

“Do they have the bastard scary Blake gene?” Murphy asks.

“Scary? Bellamy is a big teddy bear.” Miller replies. 

Clarke laughs as Bellamy rolls his eyes. He’s bouncing Aiden on his lap, playing with a toy elephant. 

“Listen you two, no swearing.” Bellamy scolds them both and everyone in the area on the radio laughs.

“You’re doing great big brother.” You can hear Octavia’s smile. 

“So did you guys pick who’s the godparents?” Harper asks as she holds a young Jasper in her arms. 

“All of you.” Clarke smiles. “I’ve assigned you all as godparents. That way I know one hundred percent that you’re all on babysitting duty for the rest of your life.” 

“What! Aw! I totally wanted to be exclusive with Octavia.” Raven pouts.

“Too bad.” Bellamy replies cheekily. 

“Blake” Raven replies.

“Reyes” He says back with the same amount of sass.

 

* * *

 

Clarke is bouncing Thea on her hip, playing with the lilies they planted for Jasper in the garden. 

She’s humming, at peace within herself. She checked the closet earlier and found a beautiful white gown to wear, she knows the children will make a mess of it, but she can’t help but find herself admiring her healing body. Her mother told her that it would never truly be the same after child birth, and she knew that indefinitely when she discovered they were having twins. 

 

Bellamy finds Clarke in the garden after putting Aiden down for a nap. His eyes dance over her figure, and her back is to him as she sways with Thea in her arms. A lily that was picked from Jaspers garden is in Theas tiny hand, and he can hear her tiny noises from where he stands. He finds himself constantly in awe of her beauty. Striking, breathtaking, overwhelming, but gentle. 

 

Most importantly, between them both, the underlying pressure of looking after the hundred is long gone. The clans have followed under Octavia’s rule since she took the conclave and won it with pure victorious strength. The girl under the floor who came down to earth with nothing, rose from the ashes with everything. He couldn’t be more proud. Bellamy however, has learned to take caution when good things happen. He doesn’t favor happy endings, because well, they never last. Happiness has always been a temporary aspect of his life, but now that he has the babies, now that he has Clarke, he has an even stronger sense to protect those he loves. He wouldn’t let anything happen to them, so long as he was alive and breathing. 

 

“Bellamy?” Clarke calls to him from afar when she’s noticed he's drift off into his own little world. “Everything alright?” 

 

His eyes are on her, glowing with adoration and love. “Everything’s okay.” he nods along accordingly. In truth, he was okay. He had everything he could ever want, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that this temporary spell of happiness was only temporary. 

 

“I’ve known those eyes forever to know that, that’s not true, and you’re also a terrible liar.” Clarke smiles, letting out a little laugh after her accusation. 

He tilts his head to the side with a tiny smirk. It’s nearly impossible to hide anything from her, you would think he ought to know that kind of thing by now. 

He clears his throat. “I’ve spent almost all my time in this place worrying instead of accepting. I think I shouldn’t be feeling what I do, but I can’t shake the feeling that all of this is temporary.” He gestures to the beautiful blooming garden around them.

“Everything in life is temporary, Bellamy. That doesn’t mean we can’t fight for it. We deserve happiness, you know this.” She’s looking down at Thea now, her tiny hand clasped around Clarke’s finger.

 

Bellamy closes the space between them and sits next to where Thea lays. He leans down to press a kiss to her temple, and a small eruption of baby laughter comes pouring out. 

 

“See, happiness.” Clarke hums. “All we really need is us four.” 

“That’s true” He hums back. 

“I get why you’re worried though Bellamy. I have these fears too.” She places her hand on his shoulder and he looks up at her. Earthiest of eyes, meeting the vast blue skies as they did time and time again. It left her breathless, and the way he looked at her was enough to send shivers down her spine. 

 

She takes a deep breath. “Arkadia will listen to her, my mother and Kane undoubtedly will. It’s the other elven clans that have me concerned. They listen to her now because it’s order in a tiny cramped space, anyone with enough common sense knows that in tiny confined places such as the Ark, order is key. However on the ground...it’s different. When they touch Earth again, they’re in no way obliged to follow her command any longer. With the time of the flame gone, they no longer follow a natblida, and I don’t doubt that she’s gained enough respect among the grounders that most of them will follow, but what of Azgeda, what of those who want to live freely, who wish to rebel against the new command. She doesn’t come of bloodline to them, she was born in the sky, and she’s young. They could take advantage of that.” 

 

Bellamy nods along as Clarke voices every concern he has in his head. As if she read a transcript from directly within him. “They don’t take kindly to sky people...we learned that one the hard way.” Bellamy teases playfully in attempts to lighten the topic. The thought of something happening to his sister was far more than he could bear. 

 

“Freedom is handled differently when placed in the hands of those who would take advantage of that. They will want to go back to living as separate clans. The only problem is, we have to share this place. Any and all room left on the ground needs to be divided into twelve hundred people, including any children that have been had.” 

“Trikru will stand with us, and any of their allies certainly will.” Bellamy says confidently. “I trust Indra.”

“Food will be scarce at first...but I think we can manage.” Clarke contemplates. 

“There is enough people who want to follow under Octavia, and if things erupt into chaos, I have no doubt in my mind that we can get through this. - Still….we should talk to O.” Bellamy replies. 

 

* * *

 

Clarke lays Thea down with Aiden. Running her fingers along both of their cheeks. Simply admiring them in all of their glory. 

“If you’re calling to voice your concerns about the clans, trust me you’re speaking for many.” Octavia says to Bellamy.

“How did you know.” Bellamy almost deadpans, though a hint of curiosity lingers. 

“Abby has been on my ass about it. I know not everyone will follow me when we land, but I know that the numbers won't be enough that we can’t handle them. I haven’t given anyone a true reason to rebel against the rule.” Octavia replies in her usual confident demeanor. 

“Not giving them a reason is one thing, but they have one and you know this. You were born in the sky, and made your way up the rankings. You’re Skaikru, and your role doesn’t change that.” Clarke replies quickly.

“I haven’t been a true Skaikru in ages, you know this.” Octavia snaps.

“Taking to Trikru ways, and adapting culture, doesn’t change how the grounders view you entirely.” Bellamy says as he exchanges worried glances with Clarke. He had a feeling Octavia may not take kindly to these words. 

“Echo has taken a leadership role among Azgeda. She listens to me, so her people will too. The other clans follow wherever Trikru goes. It’s simple, anyone who steps out of line I will kill myself.” Octavia says.

“And she will undoubtedly be victorious once again.” Indra says. It catches them both off guard, and it’s a voice they hadn’t heard in what felt like decades. “Congratulations Clarke and Bellamy of the sky, I have no doubt that you delivered beautiful children. I haven’t gotten a chance to interact with the newborns up here, being a war chief doesn’t give me much time for that. However when we arrive, I wish to see and hold the children that belong to the two people who saved our lives.” Indra finishes her words, and as always they are striking and true. 

 

A smile blooms on Clarke’s face  _ “Chof Indra” _ she says softly, which means thank you Indra in Trigedasleng. 

 

_ “Klark en Belomi kom Skaikru na always na allies gon ai”  _ Indra says proudly, meaning Clarke and Bellamy of the sky people will always be allies to her.

_ “Same gon yu” _ Bellamy says as he catches Clarke’s glittery eyes. She watches him in awe as the grounder language slips off his tongue. Same to you, so confidently spoken.

“See? Nothing to worry about Bellamy. We have to get back to work, I’m training the children with Indra today and we’re already late.” Octavia leaves promptly, not calming the storm inside them both, but enough to let them know that things truly are alright. 

“You’re getting good at that.” Clarke says as she closes the space between the two of them, wrapping her arms around his shoulder. His body responds naturally and his hands fall at her waist. “As if you couldn’t get any more perfect.” 

 

“It’s nothing…” he says bashfully. His eyes fall away from hers and a tinge of blush plays at his cheekbones. 

_ “Ai hod yu in”  _ He whispers softly. 

 

_ I love you.  _

 

“I’m going to need you to shut up now.” His lips crash into hers.

 

They didn’t leave the living room. 

.


	24. What's Left of Dawn - Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That was the most precious thing, and all of the feelings he once had as he protected his baby sister came flooding back. It was instinctive, he was like a father figure to Octavia, and now he’s a father all on his own. He would be damned if he let anything happen to any of his family, they were precious bonds he couldn’t afford to lose. He would lose himself, before he ever gave the chance of losing them.
> 
>  
> 
> His family, his responsibility.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank you for your patience. I can't say this road has been an easy one for me, that's for sure. My real life priorities tend to get in the way of how much writing I wish to do. I even wrote some of this on a plane. Thank you for reading on still even now.   
> PART II - SOON.

Raven ran every possible check she could. Cross checking, back checking, making sure that everything was secure for the trip to Earth. She’d admit she wasn’t looking forward to it. When she went down to Earth the first time, she could argue that she expected to die in that hundred year old rocket. The odds of her landing safely were slim, but she had faith that she would see Finn again. Little did she know that her world was about to change, and everything she planned wouldn’t end up taking place. She wouldn’t be happy, she wouldn’t know peace, not until this moment, and even then it falters from time to time. Earth would be a puzzle that she couldn’t solve. She learned that one the hard way. She would find Clarke as Abby instructed, she would signal the Ark, and they would come down to live on Earth as was all planned.

 

Although things never truly seemed to go as one would plan. 

 

Back in Becca’s lab, before Praimfaya, Luna, Raven and Murphy discovered a way to land safely into water. Steering and controlling the ship to land safely instead of a sudden impact explosion killing everyone on board.

 

“Hows preparations going?” Murphy asks as he enters the room.

 

“They’re almost complete. Has Luna gotten everything ready on her side?” Raven asks as she’s distracted by the electronic tablet in her lap, her legs swinging as she sits on the table.

 

Murphy closes the space between them and tilts her head up with his fingers.

 

“Are you alright?” his proximity is close, too close. It’s intoxicating. 

 

“..n-no” she mumbles. 

 

“What is it?” His eyes wander her face.

 

“This is the most complicated thing I have ever had to do. I’m planning a landing...with over twelve hundred people on board. When it was just me, it was different. I didn’t have the responsibility of all of these people...and you.” Her eyes glistened with tears. 

 

“Raven -I” He mumbles, pausing to find the right words. “I’m a cockroach remember? I got this.”

His body wills him forward, and his lips crash into hers. It surprises him just as much as it did her.

 

Motion at the door startles them both out of the tangled hold they have themselves in. Hearts racing equally, breathing heavily. 

 

“Woah, woah, woah I came in at the wrong time.” Octavia holds her hands in front of her eyes so she can’t see. “Jesus guys...you all couldn’t have waited until we got down there uh…”

 

“Sorry little leader” Murphy chuckles.

 

“Are we ready to get this thing going? uh...I have a niece and nephew I’m dying to see.” Octavia says without much more to give. From the look on her face, she doesn’t have much else to say.

 

“Yeah, we leave tomorrow.” Raven says confidently as she slides off the table she was sitting on. 

 

“Good, I’ll go tell Bellamy and Clarke.” Octavia jets out of the room and Murphy turns to Raven. 

 

His eyes wander hers and they both let out a little laugh, he leans forward and their foreheads pressed together. “Ready to go home?” he asks softly.

 

_ “More ready than I have ever been.”  _

 

* * *

 

“Tomorrow” Octavia says. “That’s what Raven told me.” 

 

“Are you alright?” Bellamy noticed the change in her voice.

 

“I just ran into Murphy eating Ravens face so yeah, totally fine.” She laughs.

 

“Raven...WHAT?” Clarke pipes in.

 

“Yeah it shocked me too.” Octavia mumbles. 

 

“What do you know, he does have some game after all.” Bellamy chuckles.

 

“Wait, what happened with him and Emori?” Clarke asks, now terribly curious about what has changed with her friends. She would admit, she feels left out from time to time. 

 

“I guess that’s something you would have to ask him yourself. As you can see I’m just as dumbfounded as you.” Octavia murmurs. “Anyway, I’ll talk with you tomorrow...or I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.” You could her Octavia’s smile now. 

 

“Tomorrow then.” Bellamy smiles back.

 

* * *

 

Clarke twirls around in the library, reading a book. Happy that she finally got both of the twins to sleep. Her excitement is for her people as well, her mother and her friends will return to her. 

 

After they spoke to Octavia, Bellamy went to work out for a little while, seeing as he hasn’t had the ability to in quite some time now. Having children to look after would do that.

She wanted to give him that time, after all when she looked after the kids, it was the only time he had to himself now. She wanted more than anything, to give him time to think and digest the fact that everyone is to arrive home tomorrow. Their lives were set to change once again, and they needed to be prepared now more than ever for it.

 

She would admit, she is a little nervous for the return. She’s going to miss having just Bellamy all to herself, because she knows that once everyone returns home, Bellamy will still wish to be the leader he had grown to be. It’s a natural instinct he cannot control, his will and want to help people is poisonous to him, he never stops going. 

 

A quality she both loved and hated, because God damn, will he ever get a decent night's rest?

 

She can’t control his choices, for they are his own to make, but she hopes that one day Bellamy puts himself first. He stops trying to influence what he cannot control, he uses his head instead of his heart. 

 

When they had that conversation, when they were preparing to leave to go to space, she truly thought that if he had lost her, that he would take that advice into consideration. “I’ve got you for that.” Rang true, and Clarke never died. She stayed by his side, and Ravens premonition never came true. She was to live, she was to accept that. 

 

Bellamy was right, he wouldn’t let her die. 

 

He never did.

 

* * *

 

“Aim for that one spot of green and you will find us.” Clarke said over the radio, happily. 

 

“We got to see it yesterday, Clarke, earth looks so beautiful.” Monty hums. “Just as I remember it.” 

 

“It will be better this time around.” Clarke says softly, knowing the topic she could touch is one that brings about pain.

 

“It’s funny, when Jasper and I braced for the landing, we held hands so tight I felt my hand go numb, and he said. “Whatever happens, if we die here, just remember I love you.” 

 

He sighs. “It was weird, because I didn’t think of it much then. I didn’t think I needed to hear that, but I did. When I told him I love him before he died, it’s like the I love you went full circle, it almost...meant more.”

 

“Monty…” Clarke says slowly. “Jasper...will always be in our hearts.” 

“I know, I know. I shouldn’t be getting this emotional over it. I just wondered what it would be like to see his face when he saw green again. His face when he got to see Earth for the first time. The trees, the fresh air. I watched it flow through him and it changed me. I wanted that for him again.” Monty finishes.

 

“It’s not the same without him, I know, but Jasper lives on through you. Besides, you have a little Jasper to take care of now. Show him Earth, show him everything you could ever want him to see.” Clarke smiles as she pours her heart out with her words. She knows in her heart that it’s something that Monty needs to hear.

 

Monty lets out a little heartfelt laugh. It’s been so long since he’s had a conversation this warm, especially with Clarke. “When Harper told me we were having a boy, I couldn’t even think of a single name that I liked. It’s so challenging. I thought to myself: “Wow, okay, I have to name a child. My child, I’m having a child.” and it was such a weird feeling to know that this was my future. The problem was, not a single name was honourable enough to name my child. Harper agreed too, she was struggling with it. Then she looked at me, and asked me “What if we name him Jasper?” I think I cried that entire night. So we decided that Jasper would be his name.” 

 

Clarke listens to him tell his story, and it warms her heart. She figured it went a little something like this, how they came about naming him Jasper was fairly obvious. It was his best friend, his entire family. Memories of him would live on forever.

 

_ An unbreakable bond. _

_ A fate that brought them all together. _

_ They fight together. _

_ They die together. _

_ That’s the story of the delinquents.  _

 

* * *

 

Bellamy finishes up at the gym and finds the other radio. 

 

“Raven, you there.” Bellamy calls out into the void. 

 

“Yeah, what is it Blake?” Raven says nonchalantly.

 

“I need you to get Monty, Miller and Murphy. Can you do that for me? It’s important.” he presses. 

 

“Sure, Monty just finished talking with Clarke, but I can go get him again. Just a second.” He hears a click as Raven walks off to find them. 

  
  
  


Bellamy had a lot of time to think as he worked out for probably the last time. 

Thoughts of all kinds ran throughout his mind. Happiness, he gets to see his sister again. Concern, for things could turn to hell. He decided that if that would be the case, he wasn’t going to give anyone the opportunity to harm his family. So he devised a plan.

 

Shuffling echoed off the radio, and Millers voice spoke out first. “Hey man, it’s been a while. Everything alright?” 

 

Miller was never one to dilly dally around the subject, he cuts right to the chase. He knows Bellamy doesn’t summon people for no reason - not really. 

 

“I’m assuming you’ve heard the concerns when it comes to retaliation and rebellion?” Bellamy starts.

 

“Yeah, we have a small council up here, so it’s discussed regularly. Why?” Monty asks.

 

“I’m concerned about Clarke.” Bellamy confesses.

 

“Okay, but when aren’t you concerned about Clarke?” Murphy teases as he hears Bellamy let out a heartbreaking sigh. “Relax Bell, I’m just kidding. What can we help with?” 

 

Miller kicks Murphy in the leg, and a little faint “ow” is heard, it breaks the tension and makes Bellamy chuckle. “I need you guys to watch over Clarke. I don’t know what will happen when the clans touchdown, I don’t know who will come after her. Discreetly I need you to watch over her with me. When I’m not there, I need someone there with her.” He takes a deep breath. “Her body is healing, but she’s still weak. We also have the children, they could use that against us.” 

 

“Makes sense, does Clarke know?” Miller asks.

 

“I’m going to discuss it with her soon.” 

 

* * *

 

He meets Clarke in the library. She’s back at the walking and reading she always did, only this time she has Aiden on her hip, bouncing him slightly. 

 

Her senses heightened, she sees him at the door immediately. “Hey” she mumbles. 

 

“Everything alright?” He asks, attempting to mask his concern.

 

“Nothing, I’m alright, just getting some reading in before the other one wakes up.” She mumbles, still into her book.

 

“Let me take him.” Bellamy walks over to her and slips Aiden out of her hands. 

 

“Thanks.” She says. 

 

He takes a deep breath and begins. “So I actually wanted to talk to you about something.” 

 

That gets her attention, and she finally looks up from her book. “Yeah? What is it.” 

 

“I talked to Miller, Monty and Murphy...they all agree that people should be watching over you. So they took the role immediately. When they get down here, you will have full security.” Bellamy says, his tone firm. 

 

“Bellamy...you’re being ridiculous. Octavia told us not to worry, so why are you still worrying.” Clarke closes the book in frustration, fire lit in her eyes. 

 

“Clarke, you know how this could go. I don’t want to risk it.” Bellamy still stands behind his opinion. 

 

“I can take care of myself, for starters. Second, I don’t want people trailing me around like I’m some kind of royalty.” she sighs. “Don’t even make the princess remark because I don’t want to hear it.” She puts her hand up before he can speak. 

 

This is the first time, in a long time, that Clarke didn’t agree to something that Bellamy decided. Most of their decisions were made together, and were ran through one another to finalize the choice. However, Clarke was the furthest thing from interested in his idea, that was new. 

 

“Clarke, it’s for your safety, the babies safety. Don’t you think you’re being a little, I don’t know..” Bellamy stopped himself. 

 

“Being what Bellamy? Spit it out.” she presses. 

 

“You’re being a little unreasonable about this. Of all the times you could pick to be this way, now really isn’t the best time. I’m trying to protect you.” He raises his voice. “I’m trying to make sure you’re safe!” 

 

“I’m not being unreasonable.” She takes a deep breath, her fists clenched. If you looked closely, it almost looked like steam was coming out of her nostrils.  _ How dare he _ . 

 

“I think you are. These people want to protect you, why don’t you appreciate that?” Bellamy pushes. 

 

“Unreasonable, and ungrateful, fantastic. Listen Bellamy, and listen close. No, I don’t want people trailing me around, protecting me. I’m very capable of handling myself.This entire thing is unreasonable. We have the entirety of Trikru and Skaikru to protect us, I don’t need my own set of guards!  I’m not some weak girl who needs saving, so for Gods sake stop looking at me like that.” She spits, and her words hit like venom. They sting. 

 

He’s only trying to protect her, why can’t she see that?

 

He sighed as Aiden began to cry. He rocks him slowly, whispering the softest of things to him. 

“Clarke, they’re going to be protecting you if you like it or not. You don’t get that choice, they won’t give you it.” 

 

She scoffs and takes Aiden from his arms and begins to walk away. “You’re all ridiculous.” 

She mumbles, maybe a little too loud. 

 

He hears it, and it stings. He lets out a loud grunt of pure anger, and kicks over the table with the lamp on it. 

Engulfed in darkness, the only light is the fireplace. A single silhouette. 

This is the first time Bellamy has felt this alone in a long time.

Darkness.

 

_ God damnit.  _

 

* * *

 

He spends his night sitting in the corner at the desk, going over papers and diagrams. He was creating new home layouts for the new arrivals. Living in this house gave him time to educate himself, and he figured that architecture would do him the highest of favors.  

 

Helping rebuild the homes for those who don’t have any was a pretty important aspect that needed to be looked into several times to make sure everyone is accounted for, for every person said to come home. Some would have to share cabins, but who has the right to complain at this point. 

 

When Bellamy and Clarke aligned that satellite dish, not only did they restore power indefinitely to this home, but they gave the Ark the power to turn on in the process. If anything, those in the sky should be grateful, but his fears surface and he thinks otherwise. 

 

His fears aren’t irrational, and they hardly ever steer him wrong. This one in particular, he wish Clarke could see. He wasn’t being the typical, irrational Bellamy, who only wants what's best for his people. He was coming from a new place entirely, his worry for his new family. 

For the longest time he only had Octavia and his mother, and once he lost one of the two, he was alone again. He took the opportunity to go down to the radiation filled planet, if that meant he could protect his sister. Now that she was older, he quickly learned that she could handle herself. She had strength and perseverance like no other. She didn’t need him any longer. In the process of learning her strength, he developed a family among the hundred. The closest to him being Clarke, who became his everything. 

That was family bonds that could never be broken, they survived together, and that was something so precious. 

 

His most precious person, that being Clarke, has given birth to twins.  _ His children, with her.  _

That was the most precious thing, and all of the feelings he once had as he protected his baby sister came flooding back. It was instinctive, he was like a father figure to Octavia, and now he’s a father all on his own. He would be damned if he let anything happen to any of his family, they were precious bonds he couldn’t afford to lose. He would lose himself, before he ever gave the chance of losing them. 

 

_ His family, his responsibility.  _

 

He played with the ice cubes and the whiskey in the glass, watching the ice melt slowly as time passes. Clarke never came to check on him, and he never bothered to ask why. This study became a place where he could come to think, so that’s exactly what he did. The last thing he wanted to do was fight with Clarke. If he could do one thing right in his life, he wanted to protect her. 

 

The babies were fast asleep in their rooms when he wandered down the halls. It was dark all over, so he figured it had to be in the middle of the night. He walked to the bedroom and found Clarke fast asleep. His eyes wandered her sleeping form, and to his surprise he could see that she was crying as she held his pillow. 

 

_ She cried herself to sleep. _

 

He couldn’t bring himself to wake her, he didn’t know what to say. Instead, he went to the garden and picked some fresh flowers. Finding a vaze in the kitchen, he fills it with water and leaves the assortment of flowers on her nightstand. 

 

He decided he’d crash in the babies room, and good thing he did, because Thea grew restless in her sleep. He managed to grab her before she could make too much noise, and carefully rocked her. 

 

_ “Hey you, trouble sleeping too? _ ” he mumbled. 

 

He sat on the big chair Clarke uses for nursing, kicking his legs back on the pull out part of the chair. He rests Thea on his chest, and her tiny hands are warm on him. The concept that he was a parent still blew his mind, but warmed his heart. To listen to the tiny breaths and sweet noises she amits from her mouth, to the rise and fall of her chest, and that delicate heartbeat. 

 

_ He’s happy.  _

 

_ “Don’t worry, I’m going to stay here tonight.”  _ He says softly as he rubs her head with the most delicate touches.

 

Her hand finds his curls, which seem to keep growing at alarming rates. 

 

_ “Ow”  _ he laughs. _ “That’s not very nice.”  _

 

These peaceful moments are the most precious to him. He can’t change the future, and it terrifies him, but he knows he can protect his family. -  _ That’s what matters.  _

 

_ If Clarke has to hate me, so be it, I won't let anyone else die for my mistakes. My hesitation. I’ve killed so many people, I’ve changed the course of humanity itself. I’ve saved just as many lives as I have taken. If there is one thing I could do right, it will be to save my family.  _

_ No matter the cost.  _

 

* * *

 

Clarke wakes to find the bed empty, she isn’t surprised. After the way she reacted, she expects no less. A vase of flowers from the garden, a simple way Bellamy apologizes without uttering so much as a word. Her eyes soften to the thought of him, and she’s back to feeling like shit again.

More for what she did, how she reacted. She still believed that her opinion was valid, but maybe, just maybe, she did over react. 

 

She expects Bellamy to be in the library, she expects him to be anywhere else than beside her. However, what she didn’t expect is to find Bellamy curled up in her nursing chair, with Thea resting against his chest. Her tiny hand curled around his thumb, and his chest rising and falling. Completely and entirely at peace. Memories like this she wanted to have forever. 

 

Thea grew uneasy, and began to cry. Bellamy stirred instantly, his senses on high alert. Watching Bellamy’s body instinctively react to one of the babies was magic on it’s own. 

 

“Hey...now now, what's the matter. Am I snoring too loud?” he shifts Thea in his arms and rocks her gently. He doesn’t notice Clarke until a few minutes later. His eyes widen. 

 

“Hi” he mumbles. 

 

“Hey..” she says slowly. 

 

“I figured you could use the space away.” she says as she twiddles her thumbs together, avoiding all eye contact.

 

He gets up and places a newly calmed Thea into the bed next to Aiden. Clarke watches how careful he is with the child, and her heart grows to the sight of it. She could never tire of watching Bellamy with children, more specifically _ their  _ children.

 

“Trouble sleeping?” he says quietly. She notices how he avoids her comment, it stings to imagine what he could say in reply to what she said. She imagines something along the lines of “Yeah, I needed space away from you.” Even though it would be entirely uncharacteristic of him, her mind whirls anyway. Her eyes dance away from his face now. They both look like they haven’t slept in days.

 

“Yeah…” she now mumbles.

 

“What’s bothering you.” He asks at a distance too far for her reach. She doesn’t like the slight hesitance in her voice that's entirely parallel to his. It’s like he’s afraid to ask her anything. It was unlike both of them. How far they have come, just to let something like this rip them apart.

 

Clarke’s eyes gloss over with fresh tears. It’s like she can’t control her emotions any longer. Wanheda knows no fear, she’s supposed to be strong in times like these. A perfect persona, unafraid of what’s possible. She isn’t Wanheda, she truly never was. She’s Clarke Griffin, and she’s afraid again. - maybe she always was. 

 

Her body whisps away so quick, and she’s walking away from him. Confrontation became the scariest thing she has ever done. 

 

“Clarke!” he now calls to her a little louder, he follows her down the hall. She picks up the pace, and he follows too. “Clarke please, talk to me.” 

 

He catches up with her, grabbing her wrist as gently as he could, while still holding her from moving and running away. The darkness of the hallway swallowing them both whole. 

 

“God, will you please, just speak to me! No more of this. I’m so tired of hiding things, this isn’t us, Clarke! We don’t do this. We’re in this  _ together _ damnit. So speak to me. Stop shutting me out.” His voice is loud enough to prove his point. Hardly realizing that he’s backed her into a wall. Her eyes are not of fear, but pure...sadness. 

 

_ Was this really what they’ve become? _

 

_ “Clarke…” _

  
  


“I’m so afraid…” she whispers. Her face is soaked in tears. “Bellamy…I need you to promise me something.” Her eyes find his. His mind is whirling, his eyes dance all over her face. His look of concern alone was fighting back tears.

 

“Anything….” He says, wondering immediately if he would regret that.

 

“If it comes down to you having to choose between us. Save the kids.  _ Please _ .” She pleads.

 

“That’s not happening, because there won't be a time where this will ever happen. You will never be put into a situation where I would have to make that choice. I would die a thousand times over before I let any of you die.” Clarke has never seen this look on Bellamy before. His eyes speak volumes, as if his soul was on fire. The thought of it alone burning him up inside. 

 

_ “It’s not happening.”  _ He says again. 

 

Clarke only nods. She believes his words. She knows he would do anything to keep them safe.

 

Bellamy’s hands find her shoulders, and he kisses her softly. Her hands are now on his cheeks. 

 

“I love you.” she mumbles. “And the stubble on your face, that’s growing...rapidly.” 

 

He laughs as he kisses her a few times. “I think it makes me look like a viking.” He announces proudly. 

 

“You’re….a goofball.” She laughs. 

 

Her lips find his again. 

 

_ She wouldn’t ever stop loving him _ . 

 

* * *

 

Re-entry into the atmosphere was worse than Raven anticipated, but they landed not far from the house that Clarke and Bellamy were in. 

 

“Ready to see the world again?” Octavia holds the lever to the ships door.

 

“Aren’t you supposed to say we’re back bitches?” Murphy mocked.

 

“Aw, c’mon Murphy. Don’t you think little Octavia’s grown out of it?” Miller teases.

 

“No” Octavia says proudly as she pulls the lever. 

 

_ “We’re back, bitches.”  _

  
  



End file.
